My hands weren’t my hands.
That’s the first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes. Or I think I noticed it. Were they my hands? Were they not?
I couldn’t remember, holy shit, I couldn’t remember.
Breathe. Assess. What was around me?
White walls. Bright lights. Some sort of medical equipment monitoring… me?
I looked down over my body to see if anything was connected to any of my limbs. No, nothing.
I was naked, lying on a metal table.
I ran my hands over my face and through my short hair that cropped just below my ears. No, nothing.
I was panicking, and I didn’t know what to do. I bounced off the metal table and went to the windowless door of the room. The handle was locked, so I banged on the door with my fist furiously.
“Hello!?” I screamed out, hoping someone was there to hear me. Hoping someone was there to help me. “Hello!? Is anyone there? Please, help me!”
Who am I?
No one came. There weren’t any clocks in the room. I had no idea how the time passed. I eventually went back to the table and sat on it, drawing my knees up to my face.
I tried to remember anything. What was my name? How old was I? Was there anything I remembered before waking up here? Where was I born?
Nothing came to me. I was a blank slate, and I was terrified.
I was a woman. There weren’t any mirrors in the room, so I didn’t know what I looked like. My skin was pale, and I had three freckles that formed a triangle on my wrist. A few more freckles on my arms and legs. Large breasts. I cupped them, and they were definitely more than a handful. They also looked perfect. As perfect as I could imagine breasts looking.
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. Time passed slowly, but it did pass.
Eventually the door opened with a soft whoosh sound, and a pretty brunette women with her hair up in a bun walked in the room. She wore a white lab coat over jeans and a shirt, and she gave me a gentle smile.
“Oh good,” she spoke softly to me, “You’re awake. I’m sure you’re terrified, but I’m here to help you adjust and understand what’s going on”
I was shaking uncontrollably. Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t know why. The only words I was able to get out was, “Who am I?”
She walked up and placed her hand on my arm gently. “That is a very complicated question right now.”
I didn’t say anything, but I was confused. I waited for her to continue.
“First thing you should know is that your body is a surrogate,” she started to explain as if it were a normal everyday thing, “The real passed on, and before you passed, you put yourself in our Celestial program. Meaning that when you died, we... uploaded your mind to a empty husk. All of your memories are safe. I promise you that they are there, but it just takes time to access them. You probably have a few weeks before you’ll remember everything about who you were.”
What was she saying?
“In the meanwhile, you’ll remain here at Celestial Headquarters, and we have a program here to help you get acquainted with your new body. Your new body is entirely mechanical. You are essentially a robot, an android, but you possess the cognitive mind of a human. And a very specific human.”
Is this real?
“You were previously known as Olivia Bartram. You were a successful business woman who made quite a fortune in alcohol marketing. You were very good with a particular brand of vodka, but I’m sure all of that will return to you soon. You lived to be the admirable age of ninety-two before you proceeded with the mind upload. You’re living body passed away earlier this morning.”
How did I know these weren’t my hands?
“And that’s why you woke up in this body today, Olivia,” the gentle voice continued to explain. “I know this is overwhelming… It always is. Please don’t be deterred by that. Trust me. We will do everything to help you transition easily.”
She smiled at me then, and I felt like I could trust her. It was a warm smile that touched her eyes, her age showing in the small creases at the corners. I remembered a phrase someone said to me once. Or maybe I remembered a phrase from a book? I wasn’t completely sure, but I remembered the phrase.
If a smile touched your eyes, it was genuine.
I didn’t sound mechanical.
I moved my arms around, listening closely. That’s what it was like in old science fiction movies, right? The androids or robots would move around with the mechanical buzzing to signify the gears moving in their body.
My skin was soft. I could feel touches. Goosebumps appeared on my flesh when I ran my hands up and down my arms.
It had been two weeks since that first day I woke up.
Memories still hadn’t returned to me, but I knew everything Celestial had on file about Olivia Bartram and her life, which honestly wasn’t very personal information.
I knew what she did in life on a professional level, but I still didn’t know who she was. What she desired from life. Who she loved.
The staff gave me the files to try jumpstart some of the memories. It didn’t work, but the staff members assured me to keep trying and it would come to me.
They all called me Olivia too, and I went with it. It felt wrong though. I still didn’t feel like her. I felt like an imposter, stealing an identity that wasn’t mine. That wasn’t me.
“Hey, Liv,” a masculine voice called out to me.
I turned and saw another surrogate, Alex Crenshaw, walking up to me and smiling at me. He was as handsome as always. As handsome as a robot with the conscious mind of an old man could be in his black dress pants and tucked in, white button up. He was too clean sometimes, too precise. Too perfect.
I didn’t care anymore though. He had been a lifeline for me during the past two weeks.
Alex gave me some hope, and a lot of fear too. He had actually begun to remember his past life. He explained it as if he sometimes got glimpses of a movie that felt really familiar. As if he’d seen all the scenes before. It wasn’t strange to him. It felt right.
He hadn’t recovered everything, but it was different for everyone. Some got it in pieces; Some got it all at once.
Regardless, the staff at Celestial said he was almost ready to transfer out.
Almost ready to leave me. I felt lost thinking about that.
“Hi, Alex,” I said as I put on the best imitation of Dr. Ross’s smile from that first day I met her. “How are you doing today?”
He reached out and put his hand on my arm. “Liv. I’m doing great. They’re saying I can go out into society soon… as early as Friday.”
It was Wednesday. Oh God, he could leave in two days.
“Oh wow. That’s wonderful.”
Alex grimaced briefly, but he quickly tried to hide it under the guise of a smile. “Yeah... “
We stood awkward there for a moment. I didn’t know what to say to him. Hey, I’m an empty husk without any memories of my former life, but I’ve really become attached to you these past two weeks?
“Liv…” his deep voice hummed out, “Please don’t worry. I know you’re afraid for when you finally remember. It’s not bad though… And anything you do remember, whether good or bad, it’s in the past. This is your second life. Anything you choose to do from here is your own choice, regardless of your past life.”
My smile was genuine now. I could feel my eyes light up to him.
“Alex…”
“Hey... “ he started, and I could tell what he was about to say was uncomfortable for him. He persisted though. “Liv, I really enjoy your company. You’ve helped me so much. I was wondering… I know I’m leaving soon, and you haven’t gotten your memories back yet. But would you consider… possibly… going on a date with me? Or as much of a date as we can muster here?”
A date?
“Um…” My eyes were probably saucers. I think we could have rehabilitated a family of surrogate transitions in the time it took me to gather my words. “Alex... “
I reached over and grabbed his hand in mine. His hand was so much larger than my own, and it felt wonderful to feel the size of it envelop mine. The image of my hand in his burned into my memory.
Was it my hand?
I looked up at him with determination in my eyes, “I would love that. Let’s do it.”
He smiled.
Our night started with dinner. It was simple.
We visited the commissary and got our normal rations. It felt strange that we still ate when we didn’t need to, but it was the action that made us feel normal.
The stolen touches in the commissary made me feel alive. He placed his hand on the small of my back when I walked ahead of him in the commissary line. I smiled at him, and he smiled back.
Lust burned in both of our eyes.
His hands stole touches often. Mine did too. Arms. Hands. Shoulders. Whenever we got the opportunity.
At the table, his feet found mine, and our ankles locked. Over clothing, but still enough to be electric. Was that human or machine?
Our conversations were awkward and rushed. We were going through the motions, but our eyes were on the prize. We both knew what we wanted.
After dinner, we made our way back to his room. We took our time, not wanting to seem eager, even though we were.
We saw Dr. Ross and said hello. She congratulated Alex on his soon to be departure. I pulled him away, intent on getting him alone and putting his departure out of my mind.
When we finally entered his room, I felt like a teenager again. That was a strange thought. I guess I kind of was. This robotic body was technically a virgin. I still didn’t have my memories of my past. How many partners did Olivia have before? Had she been married? How many kids did she have? Grandchildren?