‘But some are definitely too big,’ Sara added, seemingly trying to reassure me. ‘My previous boyfriend was huge. It was way too much for me. It actually hurt sometimes with him.’

Ape to Angel oozed in the background with a melodic, hypnotic hum. I was stoned, which was impairing my attempts to trace back to when and why we’d begun talking about cock size. I definitely hadn’t brought it up. In truth I’d never thought about it until Sara had started off on one. Was she wasted? Should I even be talking about this with my girlfriend’s best mate?

‘It’s just that Gina told me you’ve got a small cock. That’s why I mentioned it.’

Oh. So that’s why we started talking about cock size.

‘Everyone knows,’ Sara offered matter of factly. ‘You’ll learn that about Gina - she ain’t the most discreet girl in the world.’

I could feel my cheeks burning. Where’s a giant hole in your living room floor when you need one?

‘It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,’ she insisted, tailing off and looking up at the ceiling, ‘Well, it is. But, well, you know what I mean.’

Not really.

Sara looked at me quizzically.

‘Had nobody ever mentioned it to you before? Being small, I mean?’

I shook my head.

‘Oh sweetheart. Fuck. Really? Hadn’t you realised?’

I shook my head, again.

It was true. I had never been told that I was small before Sara mentioned it. It felt almost more nausea inducing that she wasn’t mean about it either - just genuinely surprised that none of my previous girlfriends had ever brought it up. But there wasn't time for contemplation of how I came to be twenty two before anybody had let me in on my shortcomings. Sara was already galloping ahead.

‘Gina needs a boyfriend like you. The two of you are good for each other. That’s why I’m talking to you about it.’

Sara had such kind, imploring eyes, the sort that didn’t seem to mind at all that I’d spent the majority of the evening staring down her top as we sat opposite each other smoking pot on my living room carpet. I took solace in that. Her cleavage had become a sort of safe space.

‘She’ll cheat on you. Which I totally get is like a really uncool thing of her to do. But I feel like you could be the kind of guy that understands that need in her.’

‘Why are you telling me this?’ I asked, opening an industrial sized bag of Doritos and putting them on the floor between us.

‘Because if you are that guy, then she’s very much into the idea of being with you long term, like settling down and getting a place together type thing.’

‘I certainly don’t want to lose her.’

‘Yeah, I get that. She’s like way prettier than any girl you’ve dated before, huh?’

I nodded and leant in for a blow back.

‘I don’t mind admitting that,’ I acknowledged, between coughs.

‘For sure. It’s best to be honest. She likes you, like *really* likes you. But you have to get how and why that is. Girls like Gina go with guys for what they can offer them. You’re thoughtful, you’re sensitive, you’ll be there for her. You’re the doting boyfriend type.’

‘Ok. Well, that’s not a bad thing, is it.’

Sara shook her head and nibbled on a Dorito.

‘Nah. It’s good. Because the others come and go, but the boyfriend is always with her. It just means you have to be understanding about certain things she likes to do…part of which involves her being sexual with other guys.’

‘This is surreal.’

‘You mean being stoned?’

‘No. I mean having a conversation with my girlfriend's best mate about letting her cheat on me.’

Sara laughed.

‘You still get to fuck her too. She isn’t denying that to you or anything. And there’s no pressure on you to be any good at it because she’ll get her kicks elsewhere. You just need to be the safe, lovely guy you are. It’s a nice role.’

‘I can’t believe I’m even thinking about it.’

‘But you are?’

‘Well, yeah. I like Gina, a lot.’

‘Cool. So how would you feel if she wanted to bring a guy home tonight? Would you be cool with that?’

‘Tonight? That soon?’

‘Yeah. It’s kinda why I’m here.’

‘So this isn’t really a get to know your mate’s boyfriend better type evening at all then?’

‘Uh huh, it definitely is still that, because we’re learning lots about each other, aren’t we? But I also promised Gina I’d have this chat with you. Because this guy, he’s married and he can only get out like once in a blue moon.’

‘Is he likely to be rude to me? Is it that sort of deal?’

‘No. Of course not. We’re all adults here. His name’s Max. Just be polite and make him feel welcome. Maybe offer him a drink when he gets here, that sort of thing. He’ll do what he wants to do and at some point he’ll go home.’

‘It’s quite kinky, isn’t it.’

Sara shrugged and slugged back a Baileys like it was a chilled milkshake.

‘Meh. I think a lot of people do it, if I’m being honest.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. You’re just like the most naive person I’ve ever met. But that’s another reason why Gina likes you, because you’re so sweet.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Welcome.’

There was a lull in the conversation while Sara texted Gina with the ‘good news’. I felt like vomiting, but oddly, another part of me felt relief. I adored Gina, and I’d always felt like I couldn’t be enough for her. Somehow, the honesty of it all felt liberating.

I got up from the living room floor and poured myself a glass of wine. Drinking seemed like an excellent way of handling the anxiety.

‘So let’s see your cock then,’ Sara asked, delving elbow deep into the Doritos bag, ‘I wanna see how small it is.’

‘Only if I can see your tits.’

‘Cheeky fucker.’

‘It’s only fair.’

‘Go on then. But don’t tell Gina.’

‘Yeah, right. She’s bringing a guy back to have sex with, but I can’t even see your tits.’

Sara laughed, plunged about eight Doritos into her mouth and then nodded.

‘Yeah. That’s how your friggin relationship works.’ She mumbled, barely audibly.

I unbuttoned, tugged on my zip and dropped my trousers.

Sara instantly burst into laughter, which sent an explosion of Dorito dust spewing from her mouth like a volcanic eruption. Then she began choking, so I dashed to the sink and poured her a glass of water. As she drank it, I crawled around on all fours picking saliva caked pieces of orange crisp out of the cream pile.

‘Baby, that’s sooooooo tiny,’ she wheezed, slapping my little balls when her gasping for breath had finally subsided, ‘And out of sheer pity, I’m going to let you see my tits. Just because.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Such a cuck.’

‘Why, because I said thank you?’

‘Uh huh.’

The last button of her blouse popped free. She reached back, unclasped her bra and for the briefest moment, I marvelled at what had been my personal safe space during the revelations of the tectonic shift in my relationship.

‘They’re really fucking awesome,’ I mumbled, almost drooling over the two huge melons hanging teasingly in front of me.

‘Yeah, Max loves ‘em.’

‘Wait. You know this Max guy too?’

‘Uh huh. It’s like a threesome type deal we have with him.’

‘You’re going to fuck him too?’

‘Oh yeah. He’ll have us both tonight, baby. He loves my big titties, does Max. And he likes watching me and Gina play together. You just make sure you get us anything we need. There’s a good cuck.’

I nodded, and immediately rebuked myself for doing so. But Sara hadn’t noticed.

‘You never know, you might get to eat his cum out of Gina’s arsehole if you’re really lucky.’

‘Thank you.’

‘See, now you’re getting it.’