I'm the guy who likes to think they have their life in check. I've always been ambitious; I had my future mapped out early. That's what you get when you're raised by a family of lawyers.
I graduated with first-class honours in law and landed a job at a prestigious law firm. Of course, I could stay within the family practice, but that wouldn't have been a challenge. By the age of thirty-two, I'd become known as one of the best barristers in England — an accolade to treasure and wear like a considerable badge.
My circle of friends is varied. Some work in the same field, and then there are my other friends, the folk who don't live on the right side of the law. They're not only handy friends to know; they're my bread and butter. And champagne.
You see, preventing someone from twenty years stretch in prison keeps me in my accustomed lifestyle. My connections ensure that the streets are still paved with naughty people, but the law is less cut-and-dried than many think. Some people don't mind paying my fee to ensure their freedom.
I don't look like the typical barrister. At least, that's what I've frequently been told by the women I pick up in seedy bars. They say I look "too rough and ready" to be in my profession. They reckon I'm more suited for a fluorescent vest and hard hat than a black cloak and wig.
I've been likened on more than one occasion to Tom Hardy, and truthfully, that does not harm my popularity with the female jurors. I'm not stupid; I know how to play the jury like the proverbial fiddle, and if a bit of flirting and a few intense stares get me — and, more importantly, my client — the result we want, who cares?
'You like all that poncing about in a cloak and wig, don't you?' my client Dominic said one evening as we drank in a particularly seedy bar in the bowels of Manchester.
'Court is like a theatre, Dom.' I clinked my beer bottle against his. 'Cheers.'
'What d'you mean?' He raised his eyebrows, creasing his forehead with several lines.
I took a long drink, enjoying the cold fizz at the back of my throat. I wiped a hand across my mouth and burped. 'Excuse me… umm, I prepare for court like an actor prepares for the stage. It's all an act, Dom, a competition as well. I'm not really interested in what crime has been committed. None of us are, not really.'
I took another swig from the bottle.
'Of course, we purport to care, but, at the end of the day, it's all about winning for most of us. It means putting someone behind bars or keeping them out of jail - it's that simple. As you know, I win nine times out of ten with my connections.'
Dominic finished off his beer in one colossal slug. 'Well, make sure you keep Ted out of jail tomorrow. That's all I'm asking because that bitch Chloe Klein has a right old reputation.'
'Don't you worry about Chloe,' I said. 'I know exactly how to deal with her. '
'Make sure you do, mate.' Dominic stood up and rifled his pockets for the cash for our next round of beers. I watched him walk to the bar, his body cumbersome, his brain even thicker.
The fact of the matter, dear people, members of the jury, and whoever else might be interested, is that Chloe has the hots for me. Now, she isn't exactly pretty, certainly not as pretty as my dear wife, Samantha. But she looks horny and has such a confident air about her that I believe she knows exactly what to do in bed. Who can resist that?
However, fucking Chloe in bed isn't my aim.
If all I wanted was the missionary and the occasional half-hearted suck, I'd stick with Samantha. My wife is beautiful, sweet, and the quintessential homemaker — but, oh God, she bores the shit out of me between the sheets. And she knows it.
She's aware that she can't and doesn't accommodate my voracious sexual needs, so she turns a blind eye to my activities. Well, almost. I must tell you that she has a weird kink: she likes me to video myself fucking my conquests and then send it to her. Apparently, she watches and masturbates in the privacy of our bedroom. Weird, huh?
I'm sure you will agree that this predilection is a turn-on. I guess it could be said that I'm an all-around performer, an actor in court, and, I like to think, a porn star outside of it.
That evening, after sharing beers with Dominic, I journeyed home, my mind ticking with thoughts of Chloe. I needed to win the case the next day, thus keeping Ted the Dead Head out of jail because I had a hundred grand and my reputation riding on it.
If I lost, my kudos with the underworld would be seriously affected. I needed to ensure success, and as I turned the key in the front door, I knew exactly how to guarantee a win-win situation.
**
I arrived at court early the next day. Whenever Chloe was on a case, she was the proverbial eager beaver, and I'd also heard rumours that she wasn't opposed to fucking the odd judge or two.
Walking into the grand foyer, with its stained-glass windows and polished floor, I spotted Chloe talking quietly but animatedly into her mobile phone. Walking to her, I leaned against a wall and flashed one of my most disarming smiles.
'Look, I have to go, Louis,' she said, abruptly ending her conversation.
'Oliver.' She coolly extended her hand. 'Good luck today… I have a feeling that you're going to need it.'
I smiled. 'I doubt it. I think I have this case in the bag, so to speak. But we can never say never, can we, Chloe?'
She grimaced and flicked her hair across her shoulders. 'I wish I had your confidence, Oliver,' she replied icily. 'Then again, not all of us take backhanders. Some of us like to win fairly and square and ensure justice is done.'
'Ah, yes. I'd almost forgotten that's why we're here in the first place. As legal adversaries go, you are one of my most threatening. Your performance at the McDonald's trial last month was impressive. You're making a name for yourself; I'll give you that.'
I watched as the iciness in her façade started to melt. Maybe Chloe wasn't an ice queen after all.
'Why thank you, Oliver, that's very gallant of you.'
'I like to give credit where credit is due, and you look beautiful today. I've often wondered what you wear under your cloak. I appraised Chloe's cleanly cut charcoal grey suit, tailor-made.
'Now you know. What else do you think I'd wear?'
I looked at her intensely, pausing long enough to create tension, 'Oh, I can't tell you that, Chloe or you might accuse me of letting my imagination run away with me.'
I watched her mouth curve into a huge smile. 'Are you flirting with me, Mr Cohen?'
I shook my head. 'No, I wouldn't do that, Miss Klein.'
'Ms,' she hissed.
'Sorry, Ms Klein. Shall we grab a coffee? We're not due in for another couple of hours.'
'I'm intending to do some last-minute preparations. That's why I'm here so early.'
Christ, she was making this hard work.