Prologue
… To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you…
Marriage vows. What a fucking joke. Is that what he thought when he “pledged himself” to her? Did he ever imagine breaking those vows one day? Is infidelity inevitable? Are married couples simply fooling and deluding themselves when they vow to “love and cherish” one another? I thought about these things quite often, especially when I was tangled in his arms, naked, exposed from inside out, like I was in that moment.
Everything about this man had captivated me from the second we crossed paths… twice. The first time our worlds collided, it was a unique experience, to say the least… a digital collision of energies. It happened one night last year when I couldn’t sleep. Insomnia usually creeped up on me in cycles like it did that winter, so I was bored in bed, restless and lonely. I had decided to hop online and found some random chat site where I blocked a plethora of horny pervs, until someone worth talking to messaged me. I still remembered his opening line: “Give me a reason why I should invest my precious time and energy in you.”
The cocky bastard had messaged me first, and of all the things he could have said, he had introduced himself with nothing but an air of arrogance. That alone should have repelled me. His chat username should have been warning enough for me to block and move on: LucifersFall… but I couldn’t. I was intrigued by this stranger who was carefully hidden and protected behind the invisible barrier of the world-wide-web. I had no idea what he looked like, how old he was, whether he was a deranged psychopath, or a sociopathic narcissist; all I knew was that if his intention had been to reel me in, he had been successful.
Much to my surprise, this mysterious stranger had turned out to be quite a heartthrob, a sexy silver fox in his early forties. The first time I saw his photo, I was taken back by the intensity of his bright blue eyes; they made me feel as if he was piercing through my soul. I didn’t like to feel vulnerable around anyone. I hadn’t even met him in person and his picture had the power to make me feel… exposed.
A quiet intensity: that summed him up. Adam’s facial features were so attractive, salt and pepper beard and hair, clipped short; impeccable fashion sense, whether he was dressed in formal or casual attire. He made clothing look good because it was on his body, which was mouth wateringly delicious. He clearly worked out and took care of himself, though it was easy to notice as soon as he had sent me multiple bathroom selfies, showing off his sculpted physique. I was a sucker for broad shoulders and muscular arms. Perfection was simply impossible to achieve, but his body was perfect to me. It stirred nothing but desire in the pit of my stomach.
Despite our initial surface attraction, I was still quite guarded. For starters, Adam was married—with kids, and he wasn’t looking to change his situation. I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for at that time, but I was afraid to get involved with a married man. As a professional photographer, he was passionate about his career and often requested that I send him new and up to date selfies of myself for his eyes only.
My photo exchanges with him were quite tame compared to the photos and videos we share with each other now at present. He didn’t know that I struggled with body dysmorphia. At twenty-seven, I had suffered through a variety of eating disorders throughout my life that included: anorexia and binge-eating, all of which had accumulated to years’ worth of psychological pain and self-loathing. From the outside looking in, no one would have suspected that I had self-esteem issues. I had no problem turning heads and often attracted attention to myself whenever I stepped into a room. What people didn’t know was that it was all an act… a façade. My mask served its purpose in projecting confidence, and I did my best to make sure that it never cracked in public. This was no different when I logged on as the virtual version of myself online. To me, people were scary and unpredictable. I was always in a state of self-preservation.
I didn’t feel a hundred percent emotionally safe with Adam at that time, yet I found it difficult to stop myself from chatting with him. There was the Biblical allusions of our names that made it seem like our connection had a deeper meaning and purpose. Yet, he’d made it clear that his intention was to engage in a sexual relationship with an ideal partner, and although I knew I was at risk if I continued chatting with him, I couldn’t resist. Intuitively, I had felt that there was something more beneath the surface—that maybe, just maybe… he was wearing a mask as well.
It seemed to be a blessing in disguise when I became overwhelmed with my studies. We had chatted on Skype for about a month before I told him that I could no longer stay consistent with our discussions because I was in grad school and was struggling to balance my studies and social life. I buried myself with work when it came to academics and was prone to frequent panic attacks; I hated feeling like I was underperforming. Adam knew I was working hard towards an M.A. in English, but he had no idea who I really was behind my mask. We were both wearing masks the first time around, proud, and a bit prejudiced.
I thought he was arrogant, shallow, and selfish, and he thought I was stuck up and uninterested in him. I guess that explained why he pulled away and stopped chatting with me when I told him I wouldn’t be around as often. Men and their fragile egos… sigh.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by our sudden loss of contact. I remember logging on to Skype a few weeks after to try and message him, only to realize that I had been blocked. At the time, this only reinforced my unwavering conviction that most men were assholes, and in order to cope with the disappointment, I did my best to erase him and our conversations from my mind altogether. Little did I know, my entire world would be flipped upside down when I ran into him a year later… in person.
Part I
Living in New York City meant that you had to deal with big city traffic on the daily. Fortunately for me, commuting through the subway and opting for Uber, made my life a little bit easier. As a Canadian girl, I was completely out of my element when I made the move from Toronto in June. Autumn was my second favorite season and Central Park was gorgeous during this time of year. I was nearly late for my appointment as I stepped out of a cab and rushed inside a five-story building that looked like a remodeled warehouse condo.
I needed some professional headshots for my LinkedIn profile and had set up a session at a private studio. One of my coworkers had recommended a photographer who was a good friend of hers. All I had to do was show up looking sleek, with a few changes of clothes, freshly laundered and ironed. I had some hair and makeup products in my handbag and I practically drove myself crazy the night before trying to find my “good angle” in the mirror. I wasn’t ever a fan of taking photos of myself and I hated forcing a smile for anyone, much less “the camera.”
My colleague, Sarah, had insisted that her friend was a fantastic photographer and that she’d immediately make me feel at ease during the shoot. At a discount rate, I couldn’t refuse. As I made my way up the elevator, I glanced at my watch and was relieved to find that I was right on time: 10am sharp.
My heels echoed behind me when I made my way down a hallway that led to a large steel door. I rang the buzzer and a few seconds later, the heavy door slid open.
“Good morning, Eve! Come on in. I’m Peter, Karen’s intern.”
I was greeted by a tall, slender man, dressed in all black, a red bowtie, with a flamboyant personality. His pompadour hairstyle complimented his platinum blond hair. As an empath, I could easily absorb people’s energy, and he was certainly high vibration.
“Unfortunately, Karen had to leave last minute,” said Peter. “Family emergency.”
“Oh, no.” I frowned, shaking off my coat. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, nothing too serious. She didn’t want to cancel the shoot, so she told me to stay behind. There’s another photographer who is on his way right as we speak. He should be here soon.”
I was blown away by Karen’s workspace; her loft was beautiful… high ceilings, monochromatic furniture, hardwood floors, arched windows; it looked like a place that was taken right out of Architectural Digest. The open concept design was illuminated with natural light that poured in from the windows.
Peter led me down a hall into a room where I could change and freshen up. He told me that if I needed anything, I should holler. When he finally left, I decided to change my black blouse to a white one. I was wearing a high waisted, black pencil skirt with black stilettos. As a natural brunette, I had dyed my hair auburn in the summer and had recently retouched the roots for the shoot; it was styled in waves, brushing past my breasts. Being a big-chested woman meant that I had to be extra mindful of my cleavage.
I finished buttoning up my blouse and retouched my hair and makeup before I stood in front of a trifold full-length mirror. Satisfied with my reflection, I practiced a couple of smiles and expressions before I scoffed and rolled my eyes, feeling stupidly silly.
It wasn’t long before I heard a knock, followed by Peter’s chipper voice.
“Just letting you know that our photographer has arrived! We’re ready whenever you are, Eve!”
I was nervous about being photographed, especially by a man. Everything that had gone down with my ex had left me with nothing but heartache and PTSD from that toxic relationship. It was two years of my life that I’d wasted… the things he had put me through. I stole a moment to calm my nerves before I opened the door and stepped out.
Music was echoing around me, getting louder as I walked down the narrow hallway and entered the professional space. There was a white backdrop that was set up near a wall, some lighting and camera equipment. Peter was busy adjusting the lights before I turned and noticed a tall man, hovering near a table with his back to me. He was dressed in skinny gray suit pants that really showed off his trim waist and amazing ass. His white shirt was rolled up at the sleeves, revealing an expensive apple watch on his left wrist: caramel brown leather cuff. His salt and pepper hair indicated that he was an older gentleman.
“Peter, did Karen mention when she would—”
He turned around. And froze.
Oh my God…
My heart nearly stopped beating as I stood there, paralyzed, completely freaking out on the inside.
Our eyes locked: cobalt blue piercing through hazel. He seemed to be just as in shock as I was. I opened my mouth to say something, when he suddenly extended his hand and said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Eve. I’m Adam.”
~oOo~
I could hardly focus on Adam’s directions when there was nothing but a traffic jam of chaos in my head. How could this have happened? Of all people to run into again, why him? Why now? A few things were clear to me:
- Adam was originally from New York, working in Toronto for six months when we first started chatting a year ago.
- The silver band on his finger indicated that he was still very much married.
- He was a hundred times hotter in person (dare I say, dripping with sex).
- I still remembered what his beautiful cock looked like.
“Eve? Hey… where are you?”
“Sorry, what did you say?”
Embarrassed that I had zoned out, I followed Adam’s instructions and tilted my neck a little to the left while I sat on the stool that was placed in front of the backdrop.
The camera flashed, nearly blinding me before Adam paused and called Peter over. His deep baritone voice was so seductive; it gave me tingles. I quietly listened to their discussion and tried not to look as awkward as I felt.
“I’m working with a 135mm prime lens,” said Adam, “which is sharp and perfect for the look our client’s going for.”
Peter nodded, listening attentively with what seemed like hearts in his eyes. It was undeniable: Adam was… sexy. As. Fuck. If I wasn’t so complex, neurotic, and wise beyond my years, I would have impulsively met up with him the first time around and let him fuck my brains out… for hours.
His ocean eyes found mine once more as he gave me further directions. I felt as if my face was flush, and the more I thought about it, the more my cheeks heated up; it was embarrassing. I was terrified that he noticed when he stopped and moved his camera away.
“You look a bit flustered,” Adam chuckled.
“Sorry,” I nervously uttered, fidgeting with my thumb ring. “Photoshoots aren’t my thing.”
“Now that’s a shame.” He slowly stepped toward me, intoxicating my senses with his inebriating cologne. “You’re very photogenic.”
I blushed and released a little laugh that was more like an auto-response to soothe my nerves. This man made me incredibly nervous. This man intimidated me; not in a way that made me feel that he was dangerous, but in a way that made my mask crack… just a bit.
“It’s those eyes,” he said, brushing a wisp of my hair away. “They’re killer… very disarming. It was the first thing I noticed about you.”
“I’m surprised you still remember me.”
“You have an unforgettable face.”
We had a moment, right there, as he stood in front of me, caressing me from head to toe with his heated gaze. I had never dated a Sagittarius man before, but the fact that we were both fire signs had me convinced that there must have been a cosmic explanation behind the intensity of our attraction. He was the embodiment of traditional masculinity in its purest physical form. I never cared that there was a twelve-year age gap between us. I liked that he was older than me.
I’ve seen this man naked!
I tried to erase the snapshots from my mind and averted my gaze. His eyes were so damn blue, and they were doing something inside of me; something I didn’t want to feel.
“Peter,” said Adam, summoning him. “Do you mind picking up some coffee?”
“Not at all.”
Adam handed him some cash and told him his order before he asked me what I wanted.
“Oh, no thank you,” I replied. “I’m trying to cut back on caffeine.”
“Green tea—neat,” he said to Peter, making me smile.
As soon as the eager intern disappeared, I met Adam’s eyes and said, “You remember that, too?”
“There’s only one tea-drinking ‘Baby Yoda’ I know, and that’s you.”
I giggled, feeling a little more at ease. Of course, we had flirted a lot online, with many “sexting” conversations, but real life is so much different… when you’re face to face with that person.
“Did you know I was Karen’s client?”
“You couldn’t tell by how stunned I was when I turned around?” Adam replied, hovering over a MacBook.
“You have a convincing poker face.”
“Ah. And here I thought my mask had slipped a bit, which is very rare, I should add.” He looked up and found my eyes.
My heart skipped a beat again. There was an undeniable pull between us. I wanted nothing more than to feel his hard body pressed against mine, his lips on my neck and his steel hard manhood finding its way to my…
“When did you move to New York?” he asked, breaking my steamy train of thought.
“This summer.”
“For work?”
“Yeah, I’m working at Blue Star Publishing as a junior editor.”
“Congrats!”
“Thanks.”
“Not pursuing a PhD? That essay you had sent me was pretty damn impressive.”
“Maybe one day. I’m just so sick of studying.”
He nodded, as if to say that he understood. I walked toward an arched window and looked outside. The sky was a bit overcast, but there were sunrays piercing through. The music in the background eased the tension between us as I admired the view and allowed Adam to finish whatever he was working on.
I found myself drifting away, getting lost inside the labyrinth in my mind when I was suddenly startled by Adam’s deep voice. He was right behind me as I turned and faced him.
“Eve, I must admit, as shocked as I am, I’m pleasantly surprised to run into you again… this time in person. Wish you could have taken me up on my offer a year ago, though.”
Touch me. Please touch me.
The air was so thick with sexual tension, you could have cut it with a knife. Everything was rushing back to me; all our conversations… night after night, day after day: thirty days of cyber seduction, all of which had brought us to this point. We were strangers, but not entirely. How was it possible to know someone so intimately, having never touched them?
Adam’s heated gaze was unraveling me at the seams. I always wanted a life by the sea—my own little house by the ocean. All I had to do was stare into his clear blue eyes and I was there, letting the tide pull me in before submerging me.
“Are you always this quiet in person?” He chuckled.
“I… I’m sorry. I’m still in shock. I just didn’t expect to—”
“Have me as your photographer? Well, can’t say I’m unhappy about it. I was—at first, when Karen called begging for a favor. But then I laid eyes on you… and it was a game-changer.”
“You always liked to play games.”
“Life is a game, beautiful. You just need to learn how to play it well.”
He was too close. I could literally feel his body heat and it was making me drunk with lust.
“Is that why you sent Peter out on a little ‘errand,’” I said, taking a step back. “So you could initiate a ‘game’ with me?”
Adam flashed a seductive smile and closed the distance I’d placed between us.
“No games,” he said in a husky voice. “I just wanted an opportunity to ask you out to dinner.”
I folded my arms in my chest and arched an eyebrow. “I’m not going to sleep with you, Adam.”
“Oh, Eve.” He frowned. “I’m offended that you interpreted my innocent intention in such an immoral way. Who do you take me for? A charlatan?”
“More like the Devil in disguise… Lucifer’s-Fall,” I said, reminding him of his old username.
He laughed and replied, “First off, let me remind you that Eve was the one who tempted Adam to consume the forbidden fruit... but okay, Princess-of-Darkness. If you’re going to judge me that way, I take back the invitation.” His eyes lingered on mine for a few seconds before he turned and sauntered back to his workstation.
My heart sank a little. We had bonded once upon a time, as short-lived as it was. He had no idea what he did to me every time he looked at me. I’m sure he was aware of the effect he had on heterosexual women. It wouldn’t have been his first affair had I slept with him last year. I guess I didn’t want to be another number, despite how badly I craved his perfect body.
I slowly walked over to him, as if he was this big scary lion that I didn’t want to piss off. We had so many inside jokes, especially with all the Beauty and the Beast animation gifs that we used to send each other through Skype. I wondered if he still remembered all that, or if he’d successfully purged it from his memory.
“I’m going to change my outfit,” I said, stopping in my tracks when he spoke.
“You still owe this beast a kiss, and I plan on collecting.”
“You can’t force me to kiss you.”
“You can’t force the willing.”
His sharp witticism always charmed me as I smiled to myself. Whether our meeting was fate or complete coincidence, a part of me was ready to explore the possibility of getting caught up in a torrid love affair with a married man. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to prove that marriage and monogamy was a sham, or if I was simply self-sabotaging instead of healing deep emotional wounds from childhood trauma. Whichever it was, I knew I wouldn’t leave that studio without giving Adam my number.
~oOo~
It was another restless evening in bed as I replayed the last twelve hours of my day. Meeting Adam for the first time had been an unexpected surprise, but I was happy to discover that the chemistry we had online was even stronger in person. I was about to get up and grab a drink when my cellphone buzzed.
I had long deleted all those “dick pics” and X-rated videos, but I couldn’t erase those explicit images from my memory. He used to lie down and stroke himself, enticing me with dirty talk… getting my panties soaked. He knew exactly what to say to stimulate me. All those possessive pronouns…
“Does my girl want this cock?... look at all this precum, baby… I wanna pin you to your bed and split your juicy wet pussy open… inch by inch… slowly…. I know how my girl needs it… I know your desires…”
The memories were enough to get me hot and bothered. But we had boundaries; boundaries that I couldn’t break because… I was a recovering sex addict.
