Day one.

"I'm a tree!"

No, you're not, lady. You're just some crazy broad with a hairbrush phobia.

"And now I'm the wind!"

The crazy broad, standing straight, reaching for the ceiling, starts waving her arms and running back and forth, and all the crazy people around me do the same. Even Karen, but not before she's rammed her elbow in my side, forcing me to run around like a nutcase too.

"And now I'm the wind, embracing the tree."

She runs in ever smaller circles around herself, arms straight out in front of her as if she's running to meet a long-lost loved one, and when she stops she puts her arms around herself and caresses herself, running her hands up and down her body, her neck and her face.

"Hugging the tree, fondling the tree, making love to the tree."

Holy shit. Three days of this madness.

Day two.

The pamphlet said, 'On the second day, you'll learn to love your body without the imprisonment of clothing and shame'.

I took that to mean a bunch of hot, naked chicks doing no-holes-barred, misspelling intended, yoga positions on a sandy beach. I took it to mean that because that's exactly what the picture showed, and that's why I agreed with Karen's statement that this 'Nature Loves You; Mind And Body Retreat' would be good for us.

But this isn't like the picture at all.

Seven naked guys standing in a circle in a room without windows, where breakfast, if you can call it that, was served less than an hour ago, and the eighth guy, our "guru," a skinny guy in his sixties with a beard that would make Gandalf the Grey throw down his staff and run, standing naked in the middle.

"There is no shame here. No embarrassment. You're all beautiful. You're all attractive."

The guy is a fucking liar too.

"I want you all to close your eyes, and then reach out and touch the men standing beside you. Reach out, and touch the man on your right. Reach out, and touch the man on your left. Wherever feels right for you, put your hand on his shoulder, hold his hand, grab his ass, touch his chest. Don't think about it, let your instinctive self guide you, your instinctive self is always true to your feelings and your desires."

I feel someone's hand on my right shoulder, so I put my hand on his shoulder. I reach out to do the same to the guy on my left, but our hands bump into each other and he grabs mine and holds it, even interlocking fingers with me.

My instinctive self is telling me to pull my hand away and punch him in the face, but I don't.

"Now I want you all to breathe deep and calmly, and picture in your head the most erotic scene you can imagine. Whatever it is, your hottest fantasy, the thing your subconsciousness, free of inhibition, always turns to when you're pleasuring yourself. Are you with two women? A hundred women? Is your mom spanking you? Are you sucking a man's huge penis? See it. Feel it."

Yeah, that ain't happening, Gandalf.

I force my mind to see my car, which needs new brake pads according to the repair guy. My boss, who gave the promotion to that asshole Carl instead. Starving children in Africa. A burning building full of puppies. A young nun sucking my cock while the abbess fucks her hard with a strap-on.

What? No! Fuck. Shit. No, don't. Pleeaasee don't.

I feel my cock twitch and rise in mocking betrayal.

Stop it! Can't you see the children starving? Puppies are on fire, for crying out loud! The young nun is sliding her tight pussy down on my throbbing member.

Goddammit!

"Yes! That's it! You're beautiful! Open your eyes and see how beautiful you are! See the beauty of your fellow man."

No thanks.

I open my eyes. Seven guys holding on to each other, seven rock-hard cocks standing straight, some with pre cum already dripping. That'll do it. Nothing turns me off more than the sight of another man's phallus ready for action. My cock will drop and shrink like wet spaghetti any minute now.

My cock gets even harder.

What the hell?

"Now touch yourself. Or touch your beautiful brother. Let your carnal nature take control, let your libido make the decision for you, not society, not your upbringing, not what the world tells you is right or wrong. Touch each other. Taste each other. Love each other."

The guy on my left lets go of my hand.

Yeah, you better let go.

His hand reaches for my cock instead and grabs a firm hold of it, and starts pulling my foreskin up and down the head of it. I'm probably about to knock him senseless. I would have, but the guy on my right has taken my hand and placed it around his cock, and it'd be rude to just let go right away. Why is his so much bigger than mine, anyway? And thicker? I slide my hand down to the root, and he moans.

Really? That's all it takes, you wimp?

I let my hand glide slowly back up again, and he groans loudly.

You never last long, do you? Must be quite a few disappointed women in your life. Or maybe I'm just that good? What if I go faster, huh?

The other guy has dropped to his knees in front of me, but he's just holding my cock in his hands as if he has no idea what to do with it.

What are you waiting for? A written invitation? A manual?

He takes it in his mouth and starts sucking it, then sliding his lips up and down on it. Then he licks the tip before he sucks it some more.

Not bad, but don't get your hopes up, pal. Karen is actually quite good at that, and I can still hold on for a long time. Plus, you're a dude.

It's not even half a minute later and I'm howling as I squirt a giant load down his throat.

Day three.

Seven naked guys and six naked women. Karen is lying back in the arms of some plump old lady with enormous boobs. She's caressing her own breasts as the old lady rubs her clit. My well-endowed-but-not-very-enduring friend from yesterday is on his knees beside them, with his cock in Karen's mouth, and as I watch, he grabs her hair and fills her mouth with his warm cum. Next to them is a young man and woman. She's riding him as fast as she can, while he huffs and puffs with his eyes closed.

On Karen's left are two girls in a sixty-nine. The blonde is barely able to return the favor of the eager and skilled tongue of the girl on top of her.

My other beautiful brothers and sisters are all around me, lost in nature's pleasure gifts, but I turn my eyes back to the woman in front of me.

She is on her knees, palms on the floor, gasping for air as I shove my cock in and out of her. I slow down and lean over her, giving the guy behind me easier access. He pulls my cheeks apart and puts his tongue on my asshole, wetting it well before he pushes his cock inside of me. I want him to cum before I do, but nature disagrees.

Day twenty-six.

I run my hand across my face. A month ago, I would have wept over the loss of my razor. I look at the people standing in front of me, waiting, wanting, ready to learn. I may still be just an apprentice, but I feel nature's true love, around me and inside me, every day, and I'm ready.

I reach for the sky. My body is a trunk. My arms are branches. My fingers are leaves.

Feel it, then say it.

"I'm a tree!"