I never thought I would be in this situation; sitting across from a therapist talking about my marriage. Nervousness has my body taut except for my foot that wont stop bouncing. I scan the small room, the wall behind him covered with bookshelves full of psychology and behavior texts. His certificates hang behind his desk. The room feels stiff. He looks up from his notes to address me.

“Why don’t you tell me about the moment you knew he was the one you wanted to be with,” suggests Doctor Williams.

“The moment I…? What? I don’t fucking know!” I blurt out impatiently. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to calm my agitation. I sift through my memories of the life I have spent with my husband. Bit by bit, I can practically see the pieces of the puzzle being put together. I get lost in the image; the doctors tapping fading out as the memory focuses.

xxx

Adam and I had only been together for a few months, a year at most. We were still feeling each other out and awkward moments were nothing new. We liked each other a lot but were still too nervous to be our real selves around one another. The sex was good, but not mind-blowing. I wasn’t sure how much longer it would last, and I think he knew it too.

He sat next to me one day while I was reading on the couch. He was even more rigid than usual; back straight and hands tapping a nervous beat on his lap. After a few awkward moments of silence, he finally spoke.

“W-would you like to go out to dinner? On Saturday?” I sat there and stared at him for a minute, surprised by the sudden question. It’s not like we haven’t gone on dates before, but he wasn’t even this distressed when asking me out.

“Uh…yeah, sure.”

“Cool! Great! I’ll set everything up!” He jumped to his feet and left the room, to plan I assumed.

The week came and went and the only other time the date was mentioned was to decide on where we’d go. We settled on a new lavish restaurant that opened up nearby, Adam saying he wanted the evening to be special. I had no idea what the significance of this date was supposed to be. It wasn’t our anniversary, I knew that for sure at least. Nevertheless, Saturday evening I slipped into a tight red dress with matching heels. If he wanted to make the evening special, then I figured the least I could do was get dolled up for him. He walked in and came up behind me to help me with my zipper. I turned around and raised my eyebrow, a silent question for his opinion. His eyes slowly moved down my body, something sparking in them. I never saw him check me out quite like that, but I appreciated the attention. His eyes finally made it back up to mine and he let out a low whistle of approval.

“You look amazing,” he said in an impressed tone.

“You clean up pretty good yourself, charming,” I responded with a wink.

“Are you ready to go?”

I picked up my handbag and looped my arm with his, giving him a nod before we set off.

At the restaurant, we were seated next to each other at a small circular table. We pored over the dinner menu and Adam ordered us a bottle of wine. We sat through dinner mostly in silence. A nervous energy was radiating off him. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I decided to wait until he was ready instead of pushing him. After a couple glasses of the wine, he seemed to have finally relax enough to talk.

“Are you enjoying dinner?”

“Yeah, this is a lovely place. We’ll have to come back sometime.”

“I’d like that,” he responded, smiling.

“So what was this special occasion for tonight?” I inquired.

“Nothing really. I just wanted to treat you to something nice.”

“Well, thank you. This was really sweet.”

He hesitated for a moment. I could see him growing nervous again, wanting to say something. He tooka  deep breath before speaking.

“I also wanted to ask you something.”

“Go on,” I said, unsure.

“I…uh…was wondering if we could try something new tonight,” he asked cautiously. I looked at him curiously.

“Something new? As in what?”

He leaned in close to whisper, “Something new…in the bedroom.” My curiosity peeked more at his nervous confession. There really wasn’t anything wrong with our sex life, but as I said, it wasn’t mind-blowing either.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I’d rather it waits until tonight, but I will need you to trust me.” I had no idea what to make of this, but I had to know. What could this timid guy possibly have in mind?

“Okay then...” We finished dinner mostly in silence, with the occasional small talk, then we headed home.

When home, he led me to the bedroom. His nervousness rubbed off on me. I had no idea what was about to happen. I put my bag down on my dresser and began taking off my jewelry just to give my hands something to do. When nothing was left, I turned to him expectantly. His hands were flitting from his tie, to his pockets, to his hands. He looked up at me and stilled his hands.

"So... what did you want to try?"

"I... I think it'll be better if you let me show you instead of telling.  But you can obviously back out at any time," He added that last part hastily. "Will you trust me?"

I paused uncertainly before nodding. He seemed to accept my response.

“I’ll be right back.” He hurried out of the room, leaving me standing there. I looked around the familiar room and shifted from one leg to another, unsure of what I was waiting for. I heard him coming and looked to the door. He paused to collect himself before entering, and before my eyes, I watched him transform from his nervousness at dinner, to a confident man that was in his element. As he made his way towards me with a swagger in his step, he placed a pile of rope on the foot of the bed. I didn’t know whether to be nervous or excited. He closed the distance between us and placed his hands on my hips. He leaned down and gave me sultry, lingering kiss. I gasped against his mouth at the unexpected advance, but back in kind. His hands traveled lightly up my arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. His hands traveled to my back with an exploratory fervor. They paused where my zipper lay, the kissing pausing as well in a silent question. This new side of him was working me up and I wasn’t ready for things to stop yet. I kissed him back passionately as my response. His fingers delicately freed me of my dress. He took a step back to appreciate the effort I had gone into for tonight.

“You look stunning,” he said, breathlessly, “but for what I have planned, I’ll need to get you out of those.”

His hands worked as carefully as usual, but the firmness of his kisses was new and titillating. This was not the same man I had been dating for months. My hands were all over him, ridding him of his jacket as he stripped me of my bra and underwear. I loosened his tie as the last article of my clothing hit the floor, but he took my hands before I could go any further. Breaking the kiss, he stepped back and lead me to the bed. A sly smile played upon his face as he directed my body without a word and barely a touch. The gentleness that was usually shy and sweet was now taunting me. I lay on my back, watching him intently as he grabbed the rope and brought my hands above my head. He tied my wrists together against the headboard in concentrated silence before smiling down at me. I didn’t need to be tied when his gaze was just as easily holding me in place.

He stood up and stepped away from the bed, eyes never leaving me. I began to blush from being exposed like this. A warm feeling entered through me. I had no idea where any of this was coming from or what brought it on, but I trusted him. I squirmed as I watched him slowly strip for me. That roguish smile never left his face. His confidence alone was turning me on. His teasing slowness was making me impatient, and he knew it all too well. He got down to his boxer briefs, his arousal pressing against the tight fabric. He eased his last article of clothing down his hips. When his stiff member sprung free, he let the garment fall to the floor and kicked it to the side. My eyes wandered over him, both seeing the man I knew and an enticing stranger I’d like to learn more about.

He joined me on the bed, positioning himself in a kneeling position between my stretched-out legs. His hands caressed up my calves, to my knees, and pushed them up and out, into an open butterfly position. He slid his hands further up to my thighs. His thumbs massaged against a nerve that sent tingles through me. Still further up he went. His fingertips danced along the crease between my thighs and mound. I tried to bend the legs because of the slight tickling sensation, but he slid his hands back along my thighs and pushed my knees gently down again. He made one more pass to my hips before placing his hands on the bed and walked himself up my body, kissing along my stomach on his way up. He paused at my breasts, giving each one an appreciative kiss. I instinctually pulled my arms to run my fingers through his short hair, but nearly forgot about the restraints around my wrists. This was going to be more difficult than I anticipated, but I was intrigued to see how this would end up. He finally brought himself level with me. For a moment, we just stayed there, looking into each other’s eyes. An unspoken excitement passed between us, hanging there waiting to burst free.

His body hovered over mine, so achingly close. I pushed my hips up off the bed to grind against him, but he placed a hand on my pelvis and held me down against the bed. I squirmed under him impatiently but got no closer. He lowered himself down to me just enough for his cock to rub lightly where I needed him most. I breathed out a moan, pressing into his hand that was still pinning me, needing more contact.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” he whispered, his lips brushing against mine.

“I want you.”

“How do you want me?”

I blushed, embarrassed to say it out loud. Pushing past it, I responded, “I want you inside me.”

“Ask politely.”

“Please, Adam! I need you inside me. Please?” I asked desperately. My arousal was driving me mad.

“I said ask politely, not beg,” he scolded. I let out a whimper and took a shuddering breath, trying to gain some semblance of control over myself.

“Please, Adam?” I asked calmly. “Please?” A slow smile creeped along his face before he leaned down, pressing his body against me. He whispered in my ear, “Good girl,” then eased himself inside me. My moan was long and loud, relief beginning to spread as I was finally being filled. Inch by inch, I could feel his shaft slipping in deeper until his hips reached mine. He held it there for, what felt like, the longest moment of my life. I squirmed, but he held my hips in place again.

“You need to learn patience, darling,” he whispered, his warm breath tickling my ear. I tugged once at my bonds in protest but otherwise laid still obediently. He wrapped my legs around his hips, switching between arms to hold his balance. My legs squeezed against him, bracing myself for what was to come. I was so ready. He slowly pulled himself back out of me and I had to bite my lip to muffle the noise that escaped me and squeeze my legs harder, so I wouldn’t thrash underneath him. But not a moment later, he slipped back inside me. My eyes closed, and a sigh left my lips. He began to rock his hips, his length moving inside me, giving me the pleasure I’ve been craving. It was a steady rhythm, caring and fluid; it was the same as every other time we’ve had sex, yet this was completely different. There was a confident and determined undertone that sent sparks through us.

I opened my eyes to see that he was staring back at me. He held my gaze as he picked up speed; his breathing getting heavier from the exertion. Every thrust became deliberate, punctuating his love and desire. I strained defiantly against the rope. I wanted my hands all over him. I wanted to scratch my nails down his back and pull him harder against me. But, at the same time, I loved this sensation; the helpless feeling of not being able to move how I want, but trusting him to give me what I need. I trusted him completely. He leaned his forehead against mine, his left hand coming up to tangle in my hair while he held himself up with his right. My gasps and moans slipped freely from my lips as I gave into the passion. His body glided smoothly against mine as beads of sweat collected between us. I arched my back up to press my chest against him.

“Adam...my breasts…please?” I asked between breaths. He understood and slid himself down enough to reach my breasts; maneuvering himself so he could still stay inside me. His left hand moved down to fondle my right breast as his mouth captured my left one. His rhythm faltered while he got his bearings, but picked it back up with ease. His fingers pinched and tugged one nipple while he licked and nipped at my other. He was moving in me with short, deep strokes. I strained against the rope over and over, wanting to rip the headboard off just so I could be free to grip him. My cries rang throughout the room as an offering to him. He looked up at me from my chest. Both of us were breathing heavy, mouths open. He brought himself back up to me, one hand holding himself up, the other squeezing my thigh. He picked up his pace. I could feel the tip colliding within me. Our respective waves built up and up with each thrust. He gripped me and the sheets and grunted as his hips thrust with emphasis. Once, twice, three times inside me, his seed filling me wholly; the sensation enough to send me over the edge with him. I cried out his name, or, at least that’s how I think it came out. I writhed around his length as my own waved crashed hard.

We stayed like that as we caught our breaths. Slowly and quietly he slipped out of me. He gave me a loving kiss on the lips then the forehead before turning his attention to my wrists. He began to untie my hands, his own shaking and tripping over the knots. When finally freed, he put the rope to the side and took my hands in his to kiss around my wrists. I watched him with adoration. He met my eyes again and smiled sheepishly.

“W-was that okay? Did you enjoy it? Did I hurt you?” He rattled off the questions rapidly. He was nervous again, but now I knew what was under that timid exterior.

“It was amazing,” I responded still somewhat out of breath. “I never knew I would like something like that until now.”

“So…would you like to do this again in the future? Maybe try new things eventually?” There was an underlying excitement to his hesitant tone. All I could do to respond was bite my lip and nod. He gave me a charming smile then swooped me up in his arms and carried me to the shower.

xxx

I have trouble meeting the therapist’s eyes after I finish. I’m blushing from the admission, but tears are also welling in my eyes.

“We experimented more after that and found a rhythm,” I say quietly. “He was affectionate and attentive for years, but we seem to have lost it.”

I yearn for those days again; the sex, the love, the energy. We both got busy within the past few years and have been neglecting each other. I look up to see him observing me. My feelings must be written all over my face, but I can’t bring myself to share anymore.

“Why don’t we call it there for now. Perhaps we can discuss this more next week,” he suggests. I nod silently, looking down at the floor. I hear him putting his notebook down and get out of his seat. He offers me his hand and helps me up. He leads me to the door and opens it, then stops me in the doorway between the office and the living room. My back against the frame, he cups my cheeks and dries my eyes with his thumbs, placing a kiss on top of my head. I look up into his eyes and his whole demeanor changes. That cool, confident smile so naturally returns to his face. The hunger in his eyes pin me where I stand. His hand slowly, gently, slides down to my throat and lays there like a collar.

“If that’s what you wanted, darling, all you had to do was ask. Now, why don’t you run upstairs and get ready for me.” He leans in closer, his lips brushing my ear as he says in a low voice, “I’ll go get the rope.”