It all started innocently enough, but that seemed like a lifetime ago now. She couldn’t believe that it had already been twelve months. In that time her life had completely changed. It had changed so much in fact that she barely recognised herself now. On the outside, both when she looked at herself in the mirror and to friends and family, nothing much had changed really. But, inside her own mind… that was a totally different story.
Of course, small changes had been noticed by people close to her. The usual things that change in a person’s life when they enter into a new relationship. Many people had commented upon, both to her face and amongst themselves, that she seemed calmer now since she had this new boyfriend. More composed and somehow even more elegant perhaps. She exuded a happiness and confidence within herself that was now unmistakably genuine, whereas before it seemed to be there only as an ephemeral illusion; albeit a reasonably convincing illusion - most of the time. But nobody had the slightest idea as to the monumental changes that had occurred inside her head. It was almost as if she had somehow been reprogrammed. That, she thought, was the real reason for the change.
Nowadays, dealing with friends, family, and colleagues was now so much easier. So much easier because she now had another focus for her obsessive perfectionism. For he was a perfectionist too and he demanded nothing but perfection from her.
Looking back, she realised now how fortunate she had been. She could so easily have missed the opportunity and she almost did if it wasn’t for his persistence. He seemed convinced that what he was describing was exactly what she needed. Even before meeting her, he seemed to know her so well.
It started as usual, after a long stressful day at work, as she was looking for a way to unwind. She often struggled to get to sleep at night and, as she often did, she found herself perusing the personal ads looking for that elusive something that she was missing. On this particular night, one ad leapt out at her as being different from the rest. Yes, it’s true that there were plenty of similar ads on this particular personals website, all claiming this thing or that. But this ad seemed different somehow. The ad was simple and to the point. It wasn’t bragging or trying too hard like so many of the other countless ads she had already trawled through.
Before she realised what she was doing, she had responded to the ad. It was a throw-away response which she didn’t really expect would get a reply and afterwards, she didn’t really know why she had even sent it. And with that, she shut off her computer and tried to get some sleep, thinking no more about it.
She woke the next morning as usual, with her mind racing at a million miles an hour. She had no idea what was wrong with her and why she couldn’t switch her brain off even for just a few seconds. She had tried countless things, but all with the same disappointing result. Yoga retreats, meditation, overseas holidays. But nothing seemed to work.
She had completely forgotten all about sending the message the night before, but she took a look on the personals website just to try and give herself a few seconds of peace from all the thoughts racing around her head on what she had to get done that day. That’s when she noticed the reply. While she wasn’t exactly expecting a reply, the response that she got was just as non-committal as hers had been, so she ignored it and got up and got on with the day.
It was only later on in the day, when her phone buzzed to notify her of another message, that she took another look at her messages. There were now a few more responses to her initial contact message. In this one there was a picture of what looked like a BDSM dungeon.
Holy fuck! That was far more than what she was expecting in response to her flippant inquiry.
However, it definitely had an effect on her that she couldn’t ignore. She put her phone away and tried to get on with the rest of her day, but her mind kept on drifting back to that picture in the message that she had received.
Finally, after a couple of hours, it was too much and she found herself having to respond. She explained that she didn’t really know what she was looking for and wasn’t really sure why she had got in touch. However, she explained that she wanted to experience what it would be like to relinquish control. She wasn’t really sure why she was sharing this intimate information with a complete stranger, but what could possibly be the harm in doing so? It was just a bit of fun and a distraction at this stage.
In response, she got a very detailed reply which explained exactly what he was looking for. He was more looking for an ongoing serious affair whereas she just needed some peace and quiet from her brain for just a short period. She was just looking to lose control just for a bit.
But something about what he wrote appealed to her. Could she be interested in something more? While she strongly doubted it, where was the harm in just playing with the idea a little bit, so she responded, explaining that she might be open to something more.
Almost immediately he came back with more details on what he was looking for. She couldn’t believe what she was reading, but it sounded like he was actually looking for a Dom/sub relationship where he would effectively collar and own a slave. To her utter surprise though, the thought of being completely controlled like that gave her goosebumps. She knew that what he wanted was far more than she could possibly ever commit to, as her life was far too busy and complicated to conceive of something like that. But the idea of being completely and utterly owned and having no control over anything deeply appealed to her all the same, while at the same time terrifying her too. She couldn’t bring herself to respond, but his messages had certainly given her overactive mind yet another thing to think about. Great, she thought, just what I needed.
Over the coming days, she thought about his messages constantly, but normal life got in the way and she quickly realised that she couldn’t possibly commit to something like what this guy was looking for. But why had she felt the need to message him again, explaining that she didn’t think it was for her, rather than just ignoring his last set of messages altogether? Of course, she knew that she was a polite person and she just wanted to thank him for his interest and time that he had spent explaining to her what he was looking for. At least, that's what she told herself.
But, was there more to it than that? she wondered. Why go to the trouble of messaging him again? She looked at the original advert again and, not for the first time, found its simplicity and straightforwardness intriguing. There were no words wasted in his advert and it was actually everything the advert didn’t say that intrigued her the most. The few messages that he did send filled in some of the gaps, but she knew there was more. Much much more that she didn't know.
These thoughts and more whirled around her head for the next few days. During each of her busy days, she kept having random thoughts imagining what her life would be like if she was a collared and owned slave girl for a dominant Master who knew exactly what he wanted.
She was all about making decisions and she thought that she had made one quite decisively by telling him that it would be impossible for her to commit to the kind of thing that her was looking for. But the fact that these thoughts kept on infiltrating her mind completely unbidden told her that she hadn’t really addressed it properly at all. All she had done was to procrastinate and to defer the issue until a later time and that did not sit well with her as she was a woman all about making decisions and taking charge. She made countless decisions every day for God’s sake. Too many in fact.
Well, these unwanted distractions were more than enough and it was time to resolve things once and for all. She would find out whether actually submitting to another person was what she needed or not. She was galvanised in her decision now, knowing it was the right thing to do, mainly because she was now utterly convinced that she wouldn’t be able to let go and release control of everything. And now she was determined to prove that she was right.
She contacted this guy again and simply asked him if he was still looking. After she had pressed send, she cursed herself for being so stupid. But that didn’t stop her from checking her messages almost constantly for the rest of the day.