“And I mean it,” said Gary. “I don’t want to hear any more self-deprecating remarks, okay? Things like, ‘I can’t do it, ‘ or ‘I’m not good enough, ‘ or ‘I’m not pretty.’ They’re all out, got it?”
Elaine blinked. “Yes, Sir,” she typed back quickly. She waited for him to respond, sensing he was gathering his thoughts. It gave her a moment to make a decision. She’d walk taller after tonight. She almost giggled as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She tried to relax while she waited. He used silence very effectively. “I have passionate convictions.” Elaine felt her head nodding. “Yes, Sir.” “I understand the vanilla ways in which you think. By that, I mean the ways you have been taught all your life to respond to situations and questions. Saying you are not beautiful when you clearly are, is considered to be ‘humble’ in the vanilla world. It’s a valued thing. So I know you weren’t intentionally lying. I understand that.” “Yes, Sir.” Elaine took a deep breath. “Thank you.” “It’s all right. You have a good heart, Elaine. Until I’m proved wrong, if anyone asks, I’ll tell them you are beautiful inside and out. So you better get used to it.” “You’re good for my ego.” “Good,” he messaged, adding a smile. “Perhaps we should call it a night and get some sleep.” “I don’t want to go yet. I’m still formulating a response.” “A response? I’m shocked,” he sent, then winked. Elaine smiled. “I’m just a bit blown away, is all. I want to thank you for what you said, though.” “I think I almost botched it. All I meant to say was, ‘ I think you are very attractive’. I could have been a little more diplomatic.” “But I learned a valuable lesson.” “Which was?” “I learned that you like the way I look. And you really meant it. Knowing you were pleased has made my night.” “Sometimes you sound like you are a hundred, Elaine. You have wisdom beyond your years.” She beamed. “Thank you, Sir.” Gary insisted Elaine go to bed. With an eight-thirty class in the morning and after having had a late night the night before, he pulled rank on her. “As a friend, you should expect me to take an interest in your self-improvement. As a Dominant, you should expect me to tell you when you screw up. And I’ll offer advice too. In some cases you may rather not listen, but it will be well meaning.” Elaine smiled. “Yes, Sir. I appreciate you taking an interest in me.” “Well said.” “I’ll always listen though.” “And I’ll always give you a chance to change my mind about something.” “Deal,” typed Elaine. She wondered if Gary was smiling at the screen too. “Now get to bed.” His message was followed by a wink again. “Yes, Sir,” she typed, grinning. “I hope to see you soon.” “I’m sure you will.” As she always did, she sent a goodbye into the chat room and watched and smiled as everyone farewelled her generously. In her mind’s eye she saw Gary sitting back in his chair thinking, just as she was. When she clicked out of the chat room and started closing windows, she found Gary’s picture. She’d forgotten it was there. Staring into his incredible eyes, Elaine allowed her mind to wander. Calling him ‘Sir’ seemed almost effortless now. How she called anyone ‘Sir’ in the first place was almost beyond her. A teacher in high school had insisted on being called ‘Sir’. At the time she’d thought it was archaic and outdated, a throwback to a simpler, more male-dominated time. Like the fifties or something. As she studied Gary’s face, she also wondered how the female Dominants fitted in. There was nothing Fifties-like about Dommes. Were they respected by the male Dominants? Was BDSM a modern movement? And what about feminism? Was there room for feminism in BDSM? She’d have to ask... For some reason the words of Catherine in Wuthering Heights came to mind... ‘... the thing that irks me the most is this shattered prison. I’m tired, tired of being enclosed here. I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there, not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it.’ Did Emily Bronte desire a world unavailable to women today? Or was she referring to a state of mind, a shattered prison, perhaps something unfathomable in these days of legislated equality? Elaine understood the usual translation: that Catherine yearned for the freedom to choose her own destiny. But right at that moment, all she could think of was a new world, one opening its arms to her, one that offered exactly what Catherine seemed to be seeking. She smiled at Gary’s picture. Hmmm... So where did male submissives fit in? In philosophical terms, the male submissive was the anomaly. BDSM couldn’t really be sexist when males were ‘allowed’ to be submissive. Elaine briefly wondered how prevalent BDSM practices were in the gay community. Were male subs more female than male? What was it de Beauvoir said? ‘One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.’ Argh. Elaine realised she was tired and her brain was not working well. Recalling such quotes out of context only proved to her she was ready for bed. And besides, she was in such a habit of looking at things in gender terms, she wondered which of her personas was doing the thinking: The vanilla one or the submissive one. No matter how flawed it may have seemed, every thought she had was coloured by her experience. She was beginning to see things differently. “Good night, Sir,” she whispered, saving the picture and switching off her machine. Perhaps ‘submissiveness’ was androgenous, Elaine thought, slipping between the sheets. Her eyelids felt heavy. She slept well. **************************** Most of the Elaine’s spare time on Tuesday was spent trying to finish the first draft of her term paper for Philosophy 301. She was determined to write something on ‘Sartre and the Authentic State of Being’. She was hoping to impress her Professor, rather than open up the uncertainty that was bubbling away in the back of her mind. And it was great. True to her original plan, she finished the paper as she’d envisaged, and was very pleased with the result. She was also pleased to see her general lack of conviction hadn’t been conveyed. Reading back her paper made her feel like a bit of a fraud, but she wasn’t going to change it. The paper was good, and a few edits and embellishments would make it great. Her Prof would be pleased. Her classes were okay, but after Feminist Philosophy, Elaine felt even more disconnected. The tutorial discussion centred on the metaphysical question, ‘What is a woman?’ Her tutor gave her a couple of imploring looks when the various conversations went off on tangents. She tried to contribute a few times, but she had nothing new to offer. For someone usually involved in discussions, her silence was out of the ordinary. For the first time in her life, Elaine realised some of her thoughts were a contradiction. She wanted a man who treated her like a woman. She wanted to be treated as an equal. She wanted to genuinely be heard and have her concerns addressed. She wanted someone firm who provided her with direction. She didn’t want to be a doormat. Sometimes she wanted to be a toy. As goose bumps rose on her arms, she shook her head and smiled. She had to redefine herself. And I have to do some reading , she resolved. As usual, Accountancy in Business was crap. All it did was make her long for the end of the year. She would drop the last of her father’s expectations from her studies when she abandoned Accounting at the end of May. She dreaded telling him, and though he’d rant and rave, he’d still support her. She was still ‘Daddy’s girl’. She realised she was starting to narrow down her alternatives drastically. Ugh. I might have to teach. ************************** Maybe her Dad would be okay. Elaine’s mother could be more of a problem. She’d always hoped Elaine would become a doctor, or at least some kind of scientist. Or a vet, Elaine thought as she turned the key, opening the door to her apartment. Their divorce should come through soon, she reminded herself. After tossing her bag on the bed, she went to the kitchen to make a coffee before she started on her term paper for Feminist Philosophy. She still had a week till it was due and was pleased with herself for being a few days ahead of schedule. She passed Kendra who waved to her as she lay on her back in the living room, listening to music in headphones with a textbook resting on her stomach. Elaine waved back. In the kitchen, Chelsea was busy chopping vegetables. “Feel like curry?” she asked. “I got some lamb.” “Sounds great. Tomorrow we can finish off the spaghetti if you like.” “Good plan.” “Do you want a coffee?” Elaine asked. Chelsea picked up her wine glass and showed it to Elaine before taking a sip. “Wine’s in the fridge if you want a glass. Help yourself.” “Maybe later. Thanks.” After making her coffee, Elaine returned to her room. An hour later Chelsea yelled out that dinner was ready and they sat down to eat. Conversation around the table centred on school and lecturers and how boring it all became as the end of term neared. Kendra was trying to convince Chelsea to try out for the cheerleading squad next semester, but Chelsea had never wanted to associate ‘with those airheads’. Elaine thought Chelsea probably would have made it. She was blonde and tanned and moved like a cat. She could dance too. Chelsea wouldn’t be moved. “I so don’t think so.” “Think of the parties!” Kendra implored, as if it would make a difference. “And the outfits!” Elaine teased. Chelsea rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Elaine would make the squad before I did.” Elaine’s mouth gaped. “I would not.” “Sure you would. So could Kendra, but she’s too pushy.” All Elaine could do was blush. “My ass is way too big,” said Kendra. “Oh, bullshit,” Chelsea said. “Look in the mirror. You look great.” The conversation meandered in various directions, but Elaine was struck by Chelsea’s words to Kendra. Gary had said almost the exact same thing the night before. Elaine decided she would look in the mirror before she spoke with him that evening. Well, she hoped he’d be there. Elaine was grateful there were no more cheerleading suggestions. Not in a pink fit would she try out. She shook her head. The curry had been demolished and Kendra was hard at work doing the dishes. Elaine excused herself, heading back to her room to study. Stopping in the bathroom to brush her teeth, for a moment she was mesmerised by the image in front of her. She leaned forward, placing her hands on the edge of the sink and studiing her face. Turning her head a little one way, then the other, she couldn’t decide whether she was pretty or not. Staring into her own eyes, she thought they were her best feature. She checked for blemishes and had to admit her skin was pretty good. She thought her lips were maybe a little full, but full lips were all the rage these days. My hair could do with a trim, she thought, fiddling with it in the mirror. And maybe a colour. The package wasn’t bad. But ‘beautiful’? Oh, I don’t know. I give up. She brushed her teeth and headed to her room. Pausing before the mirror over her dresser, she gazed at herself again. She liked what she saw. And she was proud of herself. She’d shut the fact of her nakedness out of her mind today. Mostly. Well, she had to. As it was, the dark grey skirt she wore would have stained if it weren’t for the built-in liner. Only when Professor Malcolm Sartori appeared to take an uncharacteristic interest in her chest had Elaine been reminded of her bralessness. She’d gone for the two-tanks look, a looser one over a tight one, hoping for both support and some camouflage. If Professor Sartori weren’t so good looking, she probably could have ignored it. For the remaining five minutes of the class, she imagined all kinds of things. She even had the bizarre thought of flashing him, but she didn’t. Her nipples tingled as she disrobed, but she didn’t dare touch them. Grabbing her nightie, she turned her back on the mirror and changed, resolving to get some work done and ignore the excitement bubbling away in the background. Booting up her computer, for the next hour and a half Elaine posted responses in the Philosophy forum and worked on her Accountancy project. She wasn’t in the mood for Feminism. As nine o’clock approached, she started getting edgy. At ten to nine, she packed away her textbooks and clicked out of the college website. Saving what she’d done and closing her Accountancy project, she opened Messenger and waited impatiently, biting her lip. She was watching the clock when it ticked over to nine P.M. Her nipples were itchy and she pinched them, making them spring to life. A rush of adrenaline washed over her skin, the silky hairs standing up. She clenched her pussy in anticipation, squeezing her legs together and balling her fists. “Hello, Elaine,” popped up on her screen, the very instant he logged in. Elaine’s body actually shuddered in relief... or excitement. She couldn’t tell which, but her pussy was suddenly soaked. “Hello, Sir,” she typed back, swallowing nervously. I wonder if he knows what he does to me? “I hope you had a good day,” he said. “Yes,” replied Elaine, suddenly unable to think. “Productive.” After a short moment, he typed, “Are you okay? I sense something is on your mind.” How did he do that? “I’m not allowed to lie, am I?” “I’m afraid not.
