Hi Saphria,
I saw your request for feedback on an initial story opening that you'd written.
I believe you have a good imagination and vivid descriptive powers, which is always a positive. However, if I could make one initial suggestion then it's that your sentences are often too long. There were several instances in that opening where you had sentences with nearly ten commas and sections, and this can be hard to parse. It can also be hard for a reader to fully become immersed if they are having to re-read sections to ensure they have the sentence formation correct in their own mind.
If you're interested in getting some editorial help, I'd be happy to help with the sentence structure. I've only posted eight stories myself, but you can get a sense for my writing style from those.
I think you've got a very nice start to a good story here, and it'll just be a question of getting the sentence and paragraph level structure right. Otherwise, looking forward to seeing more from you!
Hope this helps,
S.