There are not enough doors in my apartment.

...anyone else starting to think that he's not actually gonna take anyone to Mars? 😗

Quote by utterchaos

Unless someone is wearing these bad boys with flames... Which certainly won't be me 'cause I gave myself concussion (twice in a row) trying out rollerskates with my bestie. I have no balance.

The wheelies are for the pros.

I'd never be caught wearing these.

Do you know how fast people go when they wear them??

So fast.

10/10 would never catch.

-.-

Oh boy. Here we go.

1) Teens. Teens as a trope, particularly teens in sexual conjunction with 40+ year-old people, so the whole "older and younger" thing.

Have you, older person, met a teenager?? And not one of those you see in "Grease" and in 90s/00s high school-themed TV shows. Real, actual teenagers. Sixteen-year-olds. Those with attention spans the length of a tiktok video, who cannot hold half a conversation if you hand it to them in a bucket. They genuinely are not "good lover" material, y*all. Suspension of disbelief is one thing, but every time I read a story featuring some 16yo who has a brain and is also a generous and pleasing bedsport partner to some dude who has been on this planet three times longer than she, my fingers are itching to put that shit into "Fantasy & SciFi" instead.

2) "OOOH OOOH FUCK YES YES OOOH BABY YES AHH OOOH MMMH MMM BABY FUCK YES FUCKKKKKK" etc.

Firstly, can we get rid of porn closed captions altogether? It's not even sexy in actual porn where it's accompanied by moving pictures. It doesn't work in written form. It just doesn't. Put in some proper dirty talk. Use your words.

Secondly, you cannot elongate plosives. It's physically impossible. Stoppppp itttttttt.

3) Exploding.

He exploded in her pussy.

She exploded into orgasm.

Everyone's constantly being torn to bits - which is weird because that's not at all what orgasms feel like most of the time - and it makes me think of Magawa, the Cambodian landmine-sniffing rat who died a national hero in 2022. RIP Magawa.

4) Husky.

"I want you to come for me," he said huskily.

His voice was so dark and husky.

Huskily, he growled, "Slowly."

Nothing compares to you - Sinead O'Connor

It's acceptable. Recreational drug use, particularly after the actual sexy time, is okay to mention/describe. You might want to add a tag to give people a heads-up.

Issues arise when the drug use itself is not entirely consensual, or when there's sexual action while heavily under the influence. This is in conflict with Lush's No-Noncon rule. (Drunk/Drugged people cannot consent.)

Aww yiss! This pleases me greatly ☺️

What's it called when something haunts you, but in a good way? That's what this story is doing to me. It pops into my head randomly, and then it makes me smile.

Congrats on the well-deserved award, Kelly! 🌟

https://www.amazon.de/Conquered-Clippy-Digital-Desires-English-ebook/dp/B00UJ01WBW

And there's clippy erotica, too! (Although I gotta say I enjoyed the second instalment, "Invaded by the iWatch", more. )

Edit: Oop, are Amazon links allowed at the Forum? Sorry if not! Also, I'm not the author of the clippyrotica. (Unfortunately.)

Quote by Dani

This is one of the most disturbing things I’ve seen in a while. Bravo.

evil laughter

Quote by Jen

👀

Quote by simplyjohn

wtf.... simplified in good English:

I would like to have an orgasm please. Can you help me?

Writing Clippy-based erotica again, I see.

Kitty teef.

Quote by LisaD69

I’ve tied to publish three stories. All returned. I got some help from an editor, they completely fixed it, I submitted it, and it was pushed back again.

The one story you had help with was returned to you because of non-consent, not because of any formal issues, Lisa.

Authors, please keep the ToS/site rules in mind! If your editors are not familiar with Lush rules, consider giving them a heads-up and ask them to not just check your spelling and grammar, but to also alert you to possible conflicts re:content.

Showgirls. The sex scene in the pool.

It's like he's fucking a trout while it's being electrocuted. Or one of those car dealership wacky flailing tube men.

All these years, and I'm still not sure whether it's supposed to be funny or not.

Quote by DanielleX

Poisonous and venomous. Toadstools and Golden Dart Frogs are poisonous; Black Mambas and Box Jellyfish are venomous.

Poisonous things are of themselves toxic. Venomous things deliver the toxin by biting etc.

Sooo Alice Cooper going "You're poison running through my veins" is technically impossible...?

I like cats.

That's all. 😊

Quote by AvidlyCurious

"Will you marry me?" she asked coyly.

"Mrrrow," she said.

Hiya everyone! Welcome to class! It's "Dialogue Formatting For Lushies In A Hurry"... also in five(ish) parts.

Let's quickly go over the absolute basics that some people have probably forgotten by now:

[0] Punctuation IS NOT OPTIONAL!

"This is incorrect" the mod complained because of course she did.

+ "This is correct," the mod said and looked unnecessarily smug.

***

[0.1] Punctuation goes BEFORE the quotation mark!

"This is incorrect", the mod complained again.

+ "This is correct," the mod repeated.

(It's different in other languages. Sorry. Yes, the world is unfair.)

***

[0.2] Only ONE type of punctuation, please!

"This is incorrect!", the mod complained yet again.

+ "This is correct!" the mod said with apparent excitement.

+ "This is also correct," the mod said.

***

You got that? Fantastic. Let's level up! Please have a look-see at this wonderful website:

https://www.thebluegarret.com/blog/how-to-punctuate-dialogue

Ms Tate summarizes it very well, really:

[1] Commas for speech, periods for action

"This is incorrect," the mod baked a cake.

+ "This is correct." The mod happily kept on baking.

+ "This is also correct," the mod said as she licked the batter off the spatula.

***

[2] Don’t capitalize after ? or !

"This is also incorrect!" Screamed the mod.

+ "This is better!" she yelled.

(The spoken bit and the dialogue tag are ONE sentence, ONE unit. You don't randomly capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence.)

***

[3] No further punctuation after — or ...

"Incorrect again...," sighed the mod.

+ "It's all coming together..." the mod sighed wistfully.

(Extra credit: Thy ellipsis shalt be three dots. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt dot, and the number of the dotting shall be three. Four shalt thou not dot, nor either dot thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the dots are three, being the third dot, be reached, then, dot no more.) (Stole this shamelessly from dronette.)

***

To add:

[4] Give the new speaker a new line for clarity!

"Why?" "Because it's clearer." The mod shrugged. "It's not that hard." "I've already lost track of who's actually talking." "Also, is this also still the mod talking?" "Who tf knows." "She's probably talking to herself." "Or to her cat." "Mrow." "Wait, how many legs are there in this conversation??" "Mroww!"
***

[5] Be consistent!

"This looks wonky,' the mod complained.

+ "This is better."

+ 'This is also fine.'

***

That's it for today. Questions?

Thank you! Class dismissed!

I mean, have you seen her stories?! Whew! 🥵

I highly recommend the episode of "Behind the Bastards" on the weird, misguided manchild that is Elon Musk. It's a compendium of human descent into caricature, starting from a place that was already absurd to begin with.

I honestly think weekly about that dude who helped get the Thai boys soccer team out of that flooded cave (remember that?) - the dude that Musk, for no reason whatsoever, alluded went to Thailand for pedophilic reasons. I hope that dude is doing okay.

Toothbrush+ toothpaste.

Please mind your oral health, folks! A friend of mine works as a dentist. The horror stories, y'all. You can avoid starring in them.

Quote by MollyDoll

Some of us ask this same question every single day. We are not okay.

I could tell. I've since moved on to something slightly more upbeat...

"The Retrievals", about how people who wanted to get pregnant got their egg retrievals (aka big-ass needle shoved into private parts & abdomen) done on saline solution instead of fentanyl because one nurse had swapped the two, and none of the nurses and doctors listened when the patients said that they can feel everything, and the person who did this never even lost their licence and oh. My. Fucking. God. America. 😵‍💫 What are you even...

I'm listening to my own shocked silence.

A podcast called "The Children of Rutherford County".

Unfuckingreal, America. What is wrong with you.

Thank youuu 🌈☂️ 🧡

And congrats to Lefty and Kat! Stellar job, everyone 🎉

I have learned from porn that porn is amusing at best. I don't really believe that there are people beyond puberty who watch it unironically and really get off.

Should be sleeping for half an hour at least...

Yes.

And socks, too.

I get cold.