The piece of dialogue involving the two Jamaican's was no doubt excellent (I have no terms of reference) although there was one challenge to it from my personal perspective, I didn't really understand it and had to read it two or three times to actually get it's meaning. For me this could detract from the reader's experience, of course counter wise if the reader is fully conversant in dialect then I am sure it will enhance the story for them.
I am by birth a Geordie (Newcastle, North East of England) and trust me if I dropped into full accent then it would have many running for Google translate to try to understand what I was saying, so I do understand a little about accents.
Then we have the 'pond' differences between America and UK, simple words like 'knickers' v 'panties' or 'arse' v 'ass' or one I can across recently (I have an American editor) which was 'dirt roads'.
Taking the above things into account when writing I will cheat a little.
1 - I let the reader do the work - By using a phrase such as 'Helga spoke in her clipped Scandinavian accent' they will now mentally read Helga's words with their interpretation of what a Scandinavian accent sounds like.
2 - Throw in key words that enhance the regional accent - 'pet' is good geordie word or 'y'all' for just about any of the southern states of America.
3 - Can I phrase it differently? - Sometime to avoid confusion rather than using a local word, say more but explain fully. For example, "Quick" shouted Mary, "down this ginnel and away." could be replaced with "Quick" shouted Mary, "down this gap and away." as she pointed to the covered passage between the two houses.
I am sure I still fall foul at times especially when it comes to USA / UK differences, but when I wrote I try to think of the reader's ease of understanding.
I understand your desire for real criticism but sometimes there is none to be given by a particular reader, in this case me.
I have read as requested 'Last Tango With Malena' and here is my criticism as follows:-
1 -
2 -
3 -
I could list more points to prove a point but I think you get my drift, I have no criticism.
I don't dance the tango (though that may change) yet I found myself drawn into a wonderful love story between two people that I truly wanted to get together and be happy. I found myself pleading internally for him to fuck her as I read the rehersal scene that was an 'almost' and then the fire alarm went off, and when we got to the end I found myself making actual threats on your life if you didn't let them consummate their love. (that's very clearly love not just lust)
To make the reader invest that much emotional energy into two fictional characters is a talent and you should accept the praise.
You didn't write a porn story so I can understand the frustration of some expecting to read sex scene every few paragraphs, what you wrote was an erotic love story, so stand up and take a bow.
P.S. My editing skills are rubbish at times so if you got the prose wrong or a full stop in the wrong place then bad you etc etc.
Sorry for the shaky handwriting
