Let me tell you about the first time I really came.

You were patient and kind. You made me comfortable. Relaxed. Willing to be vulnerable. I fell in lust with you. And then, all that made me confident. I told you exactly what to do.

The second I did, you listened, you followed instructions, and suddenly, on a Saturday afternoon during magic hour, the sunset filtered through wooden blinds, it felt just like that moment in a movie when the camera zooms into someone’s iris, and you see all the brilliance of life in super speed motion, a crash of sounds, smash cuts to dancing, space travel, ending with an opera singer’s chandelier smashing high note.

Interests
Step 1: Make your way south of the border. You may guide this path with small kisses from her neck down to her pelvic region.

Step 2: You’re at the vagina! You made it! Boy, what a trip.

TIP: DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HER WHILE YOU’RE DOWN THERE. YOU WILL TURN INTO STONE. Just kidding, eye contact is fine. It’s an intense move, but depending on who you’re down on, it could be very creepy or very hot. You feel it out.

Step 2 continued: Before you pucker up, try some sensual kissing up and down her inner thighs. Not totally necessary, but I’m just saying she probably wouldn’t not be into that. Now get in there. Don’t tip toe around it— go in and find that clitoris. In case you’re unsure of what that is, it’s that thing that feels like a bean on the top of the vertical roast beef sandwich.

TIP: That bean isn’t just any bean. That’s a fucking magical bean. If you know what you’re doing (which you should have a good or better idea of by the end of reading this), you can make a girl convulse with pleasure like a demon is being exorcised out of her. Start off this exorcism right by DJing (using your fingers to rub the clitoris) and then stuffing your face in between her thighs.

Step 3: Use your tongue to lick the magical bean. Lick it up, down, and all around, but remain focused on the pressure of your tongue on the clitoris. The receiver wants to feel something going on down there. It’s kind of like a hard tonguing you do to get something that’s stuck in your teeth in the back of your mouth. Play with the shape of your tongue on the clitoris and mix it up.

(Steps 4 and 5 are interchangeable)

Step 4: Ask if she likes it. Not only does this add a good intro to dirty talk, but also, not all clits are created equal. Clits come in all shapes, sizes, colors, makes, models, etc. so you’re going to run into some different preferences. More pressure or a certain tonguing may be better for one girl versus another. If you’re already passing this with flying colors (in which case, bravo, sir, bravo), asking how she likes it is a 100% turn on anyway.

Step 5: You should stimulate other parts of her while you’re lapping it up like a dog drinking water. Run your fingers down her thighs, grab her hips, or reach for her boobies and massage those guys because they need some love, too. There are of plenty of options. Put some fingers in her. Lots of multi-tasking can be done in this position, but remain concentrated on that clitoris.

Step 6: Back to switching it up. The clitoris is very sensitive and if you play with it too hard for too long, you’re not going to get anywhere. Throw some light kisses on it.

Step 7: The beauty of multiple orgasms is that you can have BILLIONS OF THEM. Well, no, not billions, but a lot. Like, a lot. Let me walk you through how a female orgasm feels. It’s like taking the first slice of pizza from the cheesiest pie and watching the gooey cheese stretch like a waterfall. It’s like unicorns eating ice cream and galloping around the rings of Saturn. It’s like bacon. It’s an intense and concentrated feeling that no girl wants just one of. So if or when she orgasms, don’t dust off your hands and move on—give her another. You got that engine purring, so, you know, insert other vehicle related metaphor. Amirite?!

Step 8: Give some time between orgasms. I have no science to back this up, like all of the other scientific evidence I’ve provided, but it’s easier to achieve another orgasm with a short resting period. I mean, don’t check your phone or anything, but maybe throw in some of those soft kisses. Just give that magic bean a breather for a few seconds and then get back in the game, champ. Sports references!

Step 9: At some point, you two can agree when to move on to licking her clit again or Netflix or however you people choose to continue your time, but that’s none of my business.

Step 10: High five. Eating a girl out is not complete without a high five.