Stephanie-- Your first example hardly even seems like a serious story. It's all telling and no showing and seems to be more of a summary that a living story. The reason show don't tell is important is because when you just show what the characters are doing, you draw the reader in as he or she becomes a living part of the action by trying to figure out what's happening. Anytime you tell him what's happening, you push him out of the story's context. You alienate him and eventually alienate yourself.
Wilful-- I just really have no interest in reading any story told from a dog's POV. I know Harlan Ellison has done it, but those were extraordinary exceptional conditions (dog geneticially modified to be super intelligent)
The important thing to remember is: Story, Story, Story!! Words follow a story, it doesn't work the other way round. You can't just start writing and have a story emerge from the the scrap hear of verbiage you've spewed out.
Whenever you get stuck or tangled up in confusion, return to your story. What does your story need now to proceed?
Rookie Scribe