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CunningLinguist143
Over 90 days ago
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Dancing_Doll
I think you kind of answered your own question in your first post. She did a breezy "hey, if you're ever in my town, I'll show you around", which is how people typically leave things on vacation, while not actually meaning it if this were ever to come to fruition, and then basically put you on ignore as you sent her messages on social media and commented on her pics. She's just not interested. Whether that's because she's just not into you, or that she doesn't do long-distance, or she already has something going on at home (ie. boyfriend), it's hard to say. I would definitely leave it alone though.

Thing is - on vacation, we meet tons of different people and have different levels of interaction with them. Being friendly on vacation is not the same as being friendly at home in your own city/bar/social-scene. You mention she was in your 'group' - if that meant your tour group or it was a Contiki thing, then it practically requires you to be friendly and chill with everyone. Even on resorts - it's a bit of a cooked situation - you talk to everyone, you're friendlier than normal with total strangers because you have something in common - you're tourists, foreigners, you're in vacay-mode etc. You have to take it all with a grain of salt that they're just being 'vacation-friendly' - not 'I-want-to-date-you'-friendly.

I think you already put yourself out there, she was polite in return, but now she's no longer responding and she's likely already moved on - so I think you should too. Sorry, I know that's not the answer you wanted to hear, but you can't push something like this. If she was into you, she would have kept the convo going on social media. There's nothing you can do from across the country that's going to suddenly wow her into a long-distance relationship and honestly I think the more you keep at it, without any encouragement from her, the more off-putting it's going to be.



You know to some degree this sort of was the answer I was looking for; I think you make a very valid and perceptive point. For the most part, other than a fleeting thought during that vacation. I've really overlooked the fact that this was a vacation group so everyone was going to be at their amiable "best behavior". Thank you for the perspective and an idea with which to ground myself.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by daddysweetheart
We're trying to help you and you wrote a novel, dude.

Lusting???


I won't add my anymore then.

I'm too lazy.



Nooooo. Don't be like that! I wasn't even referring to you.

You've all been a great help and I'm very thankful to all those who have posted and shared their thoughts.

I wrote a novel because I wanted to get some of what was going on in my head down concretely somewhere, preferably to the public where it can be scrutinized. Plus I thought i'd be good to provide lots of context; and, in hindsight at times I suppose it's evident I was/am caught up in some emotion.

As for lusting I simply meant that this site naturally has a sexual side to it and so some people might enter this thread already with their hands in their pants. It's natural and to be expecting; and, hence why maybe only about 5% (if not less) of the people who view this thread reply to it. I meant some people are lazy in that if they see a wall of text in a thread and it isn't a topic they're into or they're simply looking for normal sized posts then people might be liable to skip this one and be too "lazy" to read. It happens; it's a mood thing.

I didn't mean to offend you. You've and the others have been great.


FYI, the original post is updated with a summary and current info.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by paul_moadib
A brief summary would work better at the top. The details could follow in a later post.


I forget people are on here lusting and in general tend to be lazy when it comes to things not imminently effecting them within arms reach so too much text is a bad thing. I'll make a summary in the original post. Thanks for the advice.


Quote by silveranode
Regardless of her age. Suffer in silence. Otherwise you will suffer the fate of being pilloried by society.


We're of similar age. I have no intention of suffering in silence or really suffering at all. It feels great to be have strong feelings for someone and would feel even better if I could get to know this person which is something she doesn't seem to care for. Also I don't care about being ridiculed by people; I know what I was getting myself into posting my feelings on an internet forum and have an idea of how I come off as so to some degree my expectations were set.


Quote by stelmaria
I didn't read all that but just come out and ask her out... at least then you'll know for sure.


I suppose you're right ... but asking her out isn't practical since we live on opposite sides of the country. The idea/hope was we chat online, open up to each other, fall for each other, get into a relationship, hopefully that develops into a real one, a serious one, and then take things from there.


At the moment she's simply just not that into me and I guess there's nothing I can do. Maybe trying messaging her again in a week or two.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Magical_felix


I'm not being sarcastic... You should write a story about that and send it to her. Tell her how the best way to finger a girl is with your tongue.

I'm also serious about showing up at her house. Like, girls love that shit. After you blast her favorite song, be all "where art thou sweet Juliet, my tongue is ready if your body is, girl."


Oh, I apologize. I thought you were pulling my chain.

Well I can't show up at her house since we live on opposite sides of the country; and, as for sexually explicit stories go, I suppose ... but the thing with me is that this isn't lust. I mean don't get me wrong I think she's beautiful and stunning; but, I'm first and foremost attracted to her personality, that's where this whole infatuation thing is coming from.

Plus imagine someone you don't really know messaging you on a social media site, commenting about how they would look into that person's light brown eyes as their tongue circled her clit - teasing it slowly, leaving a wet trail that would be refreshed with his tongue as soon as it started to dry, and all the while tongue and clit never colliding. I would imagine from the girl's point of view she would think the guy is a pervert.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Magical_felix


Oh my god, THIS.

Definitely send her a sexy story you wrote. Make sure the girl character has her name too. She would love that.

Also if she doesn't respond to that you should show up at her house with a boom-box above your head and play her favorite song loudly like John Cusack in "Say Anything".


Lol. If only you weren't being sarcastic ... I'm actually quite skilled with my tongue - and I mean that in more ways than one.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by HeraTeleia


You do seem to be perseverating on this woman, or rather the idea of this woman (you did say that you'd only had a few, incidental conversations with her), a bit much. Maybe just let it lie for a bit?


Hmm. I suppose you're right in pointing out the disproportion of our limited interactions and my exaggerated reactions towards her. I'd simply point out that, and but also hope and think, that my over-the-top responses are really just my normal way and level of intensity with which I experience and express my feelings; and, not actually reflective of the caliber in which I am and my interactions are experienced in reality (i.e. that is to say I'm not excessively messaging her and positively rating all her pictures, etc.).

I'd also emphasize the fact that I'm deliberately exploring the "idea" of this woman because the depth psychologist in me is liable to think projection the moment emotions and attraction among other things are involved in the situation.

I think you're right to suggest to let it lie; and, if she chooses not to open up/respond it'll have to be for more than a bit and I'll have to move on - much to my disappoint at missing out on a relationship with a potentially amazing person.

Thanks for your commentary and perspective.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by FrozenBlade
Well it started off with sailor moon cause my brother n sister watched it all the time. Then it went to the dragon ball series, rouruni kenshin, trigun, n others I cant think of right now. But what about you, what got you hooked?


I suppose I technically had similar beginnings though I have to say what really made me an anime "fan" was Fullmetal Alchemist in my teenager years; and, especially Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood when it later came out.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by elizabethblack
I would think general chat with her would be more effective. Maybe sending her a review of a book, movie, silly incidnet in the news - things of that type. In other words, go slow since she has not gotten back to you. You are effectively just ignoring that and sending her something you think she'd enjoy. See what she says back. Ask her something like where does she work, or is she looking for a job. Do you know her major? You could chat about someone you both met at the retreat; weren't they nice, funny, etc.? Keeping it just very friendly and non-threatening with romance or love would be the way I think you should go. Let her get to know you this way and go from there. You sound like a good guy and who knows; all kinds of things happen in life.


Thank you. This seems like the sensible thing to do and exactly what I had in mind, have a casual but genuine conversation with her. I guess I was getting all bothered over the fact that she hadn't replied to me so how could I do that; but, really all I can do is non-persistently (as in give a few days break) try a few more times and hope for the best. I also see in hindsight how my fear of losing/tarnishing the "relationship" and desire to meet imaginary expectations are really manifestations of my own personal psychology - and I'd personally say worth further exploring. The fact of the matter is is that she seems like a nice person and all I can do is meet her halfway in that domain and well in general and just hope for the best.

Also thank you for the compliment.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Ls63563
I see restraining orders in your future.


I'm neither that weak willed nor possessed. If she tells me to piss off then I'll hit the road. Obviously there's a line with romance and being taken away by someone versus a one-sided stalker-ish thing. I would hope and like to believe I'm grounded enough in reality to tell the difference.
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Quote by daddysweetheart
Why not send her a sexy story you wrote ( in private) maybe about how you'd please her, or write her a poem.

Do something extra special for her.

I would leave her a message and ask her why she hasn't gotten back to you...but non-chalantly, non-threatening.
Ask her to get back to you.

Good luck.


Ooo, how creative and romantic. That wouldn't be too creeper though? I mean we're practically strangers more or less.

I've also always been more of the blatantly-expressive-intense romantic type (flowers, public-unabashed compliments/indications of interest, etc.). My only thing is that I feel weird (or maybe ashamed?) coming off as interested (now online) when I literally had plenty of opportunities to socialize and didn't when in person; but, hey when in love... Lol. I also feel this pressure to conform to some imaginary-invented standard in my head to "win" her over, e.g. be Don Draper or charmingly funny, etc. - that's why I keep reminding myself to be genuine and hope for the best.

Anyhow, thank you for the advice and ideas daddysweetheart. smile I'm tempted to think some artistic display of passion (like a sensual story or poem) isn't her thing ... but then again I don't know her and besides who doesn't love a good romance?



I hope you guys don't mind my chatter, I suppose I'm just exploring and trying to make sense of some of my personal dynamics here. Besides no one said you have to read and reply to this thread.
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CunningLinguist143
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Thanks for your comments JacquieJ and dpw.

I added this comment to the beginning of my reply, after the fact, since it occurred to me later on as I was writing and didn't know where to put it. This is essentially the concise version of what I've been circling around and trying to get at in my posts. Jacquie, I see what you're saying that I'm afraid of being rejected; I think it's something along those lines ... I feel like you're getting at rejected and then me being down/despondent while as silly as it sounds I think it's more I'm afraid of "losing" what bit of relationship or connection may currently exist between us by making another advance on her and getting rejected therefore putting her off and thinking less of me. But really that's all just my fantasy, clearly if she wanted to talk or was interested she would reply to either of my messages or send her own. I guess one of my initial issues was that I wanted to make something (give meaning/value) to her original message of her being glad to meet me and visiting my hometown in the foreseeable future; but, really she's just a nice person and after the fact I see I was also included in her goodwill and she's not interested. That's why I'm on here debating whether to get "C'est la vie" tattooed on my arm or keep trying and if I keep trying what are some ways I would go about doing so since my original-traditional method of messaging her is failing from the start.



Quote by JacquieJ
I'm wondering if you are not sure what to do because you are afraid of being rejected. A girl's 'No' can be a huge blow to a love-lorn male. It seems to me that you have not done a lot to let her know that she's very special as far as you are concerned. There is this old-fashioned word that has been forgotten, it is wooing. On the other hand she may already have someone special...


I don't mean to sound like I'm in denial but I genuinely feel, on some level at least, I'm not afraid of rejection - not with her and not that rejection doesn't suck in general. The reason I say I'm not afraid of being denied is like you said that people love to be wooed and in my mind (not that there isn't some healthy level of doubt, especially because I don't know her that well) she's my future wife; so in that respect whether she's not interested or has a boyfriend, is only of slight consequence (as in should be respected of course) but as far as I'm concerned can be overcome.

My only worry being, like I said before, I come off as creeper because she ignored my messages and I want to continue trying to talk with her and woo her. That's sort of one of the things I was asking, she currently doesn't seem interested and whether communication is possible isn't clear; so I'd love to hear some ideas and/or past experiences of ways things can play out.

You do make the point that I haven't/didn't do much to make my affections known; and, you can say that's one of the things that's been bothering me. It's part of what I was getting at saying I made a bad impression; the other substantial part of that being, at some points of the trip, I was a lot more inhibited and closed-off than once should be - I was feeling down and embarrassed about how I had acted. You can say more or less my initial way of expressing myself is to be very expressive and romantic, almost of a childlike intensity, but in the same respect you can say it takes me a little to open up and if I'm dealing with other stuff in my life than it takes a lot more.



Quote by dpw
Wow! That's some story. My first reaction would be to say take the hint and leave it at that. However you give some worrying hints about yourself.
You seem to be an introvert with quite low self esteem. I think that you should deal with that problem first.
She sounds like a normal young woman, maybe a bit flitatious but that's not uncommon. This has piqued your interest, maybe she's different to your female friends.
You mention manly guys, by that I take it you aren't athletic. You also mention her intellect, you obviously have that high on your agenda. You ask about romancing, suggesting social awkwardness.
You obviously want to be more outgoing, so you have to deal with this first. You have to learn how to be more positive about yourself. That way more people will be positive about you.


I appreciate your analysis but I fear you make too many assumptions on pieces of circumstantial evidence and so can easily paint a story of fiction when you're in fact trying to establish more context to provide a more helpful answer - hence why I've written much of my thoughts and been so descriptive in my posts. *cough* @BethanyFrasier :P *cough*

I'm tempted to take the hint as well but like I said I'm quite infatuated with this girl; and, I really want to get to know her better and enjoy the pleasure of her company, sharing and creating memorable experiences.

I actually am an introvert but all that means is that my interest and motivations, on a conscious level have to do with myself, so in that respect while it is less likely because of the dynamics at play (i.e. unconscious extraversion) you can still have outgoing "introverts". As for "low self-esteem" ... I mean I guess I do though I also feel like I am or can be quite confident which might speak more to some drastic and/or un-adapted mechanism of dealing with self-esteem issues. I don't know, I've been told I come off as arrogant and inflated - so I'm tempted to think (psychological dynamic of) compensation and that I habitually do have low self-esteem. Regardless there's no easy-quick fix for low self-esteem so that's not a "problem" that can be easily dealt with; also I'd argue I'm more ahead of the curve than most on this topic since I've read a little of Heinz Kohut's works on Self Psychology; where some of the central tenants of his writings are the topics of narcissism as well as internal and external mechanisms of regulating self-esteem so in that respect I might argue that I'm not better equipped to tackle such issues only that I make a conscious effort to keep them in mind when interacting with others.

She is a normal young woman, if anything I probably think highly of her - that's probably both unfounded and founded. I'm tempted to think more of the latter but since we only knew each other for a few days and never had many intimate conversations who knows. I wonder if she is flirtatious; I feel like she might be generally? Like the occasional joke with a latent sexual theme or dressing in an attractive manner or acting implicitly sexually/seductively. I can't say none of these were aimed at me or that I ever saw her reaction physically (blush, etc.); it was just aimed more at the crowd, that's not to say she didn't have someone else in her sights.

She certainly is different to my few female acquaintances and just most women I've met/known in general - and I live in one of the most populated cities on Earth. I'm just blown away by her: her mannerisms and the way she expresses things, her sense of humor which is frequently-publicly conveyed, her amiable and encouraging attitude towards everyone, etc. I could go on; though sometimes I worry I'm being general and clearly since I'm infatuated how much of what I'm saying are actually qualities of her and how much are things I've projected.

I'm actually quite athletic and muscular; I use to have an avatar up on Lush. I mentioned manly guys, specifically Don Draper, because I swear her dress style is so elegant and refined and I'm liable to think of Betty Draper or Trudy Campbell from "Mad Men" and maybe based on things she wants a guy who isn't afraid to express himself. Idk, I get uneasy speculating about things she wants because I feel that speaks more about me than her. I mentioned those well dressed older guys with short groomed beards because I got the feeling she had an imposing father figure; so I might be tempted to think she's into older guys, some of her guy friends maybe fit the description. She also seems to have this kid side to her so then I wonder how that fits into the things. Anyway in the end it's best and less problematic to be yourself.

I wouldn't say intellect is high on my priorities list for a partner; though for a long term relationship I won't settle for someone who's willfully ignorant. I should mention I think there's a difference between being smart and self-conscious. I mentioned her intellect because I was just surprised to see that trait in the already awesome combination of her qualities.

I think jumping from a person seeking advice about romance to them having to be socially awkward is a stretch. I can be very charming, at least so it seems and I'm so told but who knows the reality of the matter.

My point is is that I'm clearly not myself hence why I'm on here looking for some perspective and asking for other people's comments and insights. The whole point of this thread is that it's clear she was just being a nice person earlier when we messaged on social media; so I've been ignored twice and don't know whether or how to continue. I mean my options are limited right? Especially since we're talking about romancing via the internet. This is why I was asking women how does a guy stand out to them among the crowd, especially one they have overlooked in the past.

I fully agree with you, I definitely need to be more outgoing and I daresay is something I'm slowly working on. I believe or at least want to say that I am more often than not positive about myself ... but maybe that's more in my head; and, you make a very good point about being positive and then consequently people taking me as positive.
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CunningLinguist143
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Lmao. I see what you did there. Make me sound...

I probably talk too much with the wrong people maybe or just not enough with the right ones ... I want to say I only had one conversation with this girl that really lasted more than a minute and didn't involve chiming in on some informal group discussion.
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Quote by stephanie


The key word here being "Love"......

Only twice.....

In College I fell heavily for the girlfriend of a really good friend of mine... He was studying Medicine and was frequently very busy... They married and she moved to where we lived and I ended up keeping her company while he was busy... We used to go to Art Galleries and Foreign movies and stuff... I adored her, and I know that she liked something about me.....

On one rather drunken afternoon, (why am I telling you this) we undressed and sat on the edge of the bed in my apartment...... She took off a plaid miniskirt as I remember.... And I remember... I wanted her, I seriously wanted her and I did, (I still do) love her.....

And I couldn't...... And in truth she couldn't.... It simply wasn't right..... So we hugged and we cried a bit and we didn't... And eventually we re-dressed like people in a bad play..... Awkward and innocent.....

(My GOD!!!!! Was that 20 years ago????!!!!????)

We see each other occasionally to this day..... I smoke, she doesn't...... Every time I go for a smoke at parties she follows and we talk..... She's happy and I love her still..... I'll be honest with you guys, usually I have a different girl when we share these soirees.... Usually, given my job, a younger girl....

She, (my mate's wife) always "tsk, tsks" at me like I'll never learn..... And tells me she's happy.... And I believe her..... And I love her still.....

(She's almost 50 now..... Still as beautiful as ever......)

The Second One.......

Do you know what....... ?

Let me just think about the first one for a while..... (Sigh!)

xx SF






That was lovely and poetic; a story was set in motion in my imaginary. =d>
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by 1nfinitesexuallity
Alright guys and gals I just have to get this out somewhere... and I figure what better place than here.
well I'm lonely like really lonely :/ I'm quite shy when it comes to going out alone and what not. also I can't really say I have much time to go out :/
I really miss having someone there to say good night to, or to wake up to.
anyone have advice on dealing with this little problem? thanks in advance


I don't think what you're talking about is a little problem; don't trivialize it, it's an important issue. smile

Have you considered seeing a psychotherapist? They're affordable contrary to popular belief and going to therapy isn't just about mental illness, psychotherapy is also life affirming and depending on which school you subscribe to aims at personality growth, deeper appreciation of oneself in the world, etc. The idea being that such things help life along and does away with feelings of loneliness.
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CunningLinguist143
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Someone pointed out in one of the later posts there was too much text to read and it might be better to have a summary. So here goes.

Summary ("New Post")
I was on vacation with a group. There I met this one girl (in my group) who was around my age that really stood out to me and by the end of the trip I'm practically in love and see her as my future wife. Throughout the vacation we only had superficial, short, and intermittent chats; only one time did we have a normal and slightly-lengthy conversation where we talked about each others interests, particularly the fact that we had the same major. Throughout the trip I sporadically, though more towards the middle and end, became a lot more reserved and withdrawn not socializing or mingling with others. I also ended up getting pretty wasted on two separate nights so I suppose that was slightly embarrassing if not at least setting a bad impression of myself - she was probably there at least one of the times and if she wasn't I'm sure she heard. One night at the club she let me buy her a drink while I was buying rounds for the group; later during some formal dinner I had a drink sent to her table. We live on opposite sides of the country. After the vacation was over I added her on a social media website, she doesn't seem to have a boyfriend according to the site; she accepted and I messaged her and thanked her. She replied that it was nice to have met me and that if in the foreseeable future if she was in my hometown she'd let me give her a tour. I replied back wanting to continue the conversation but she ignored me and then several hours later I messaged her again trying to chat with her and got ignored again; around this time (around a day) I may have positively rated 1-3 of her photos. Since she never replied there was nothing I could do and just gave things a two day break. After this time period I liked a photo and messaged her again (third time now) wanting to chat and got ignored. So I guess she's just not that into me.

I'm quite taken with this girl, infatuated. She has a great big sense of humor and is a very nice supportive/encouraging person. I'm very attracted to her personality and also her style. This thread has been essentially me asking advice on how to proceed and well just looking for perspective. I suppose I've also been exploring my own personal psychology throughout this thread since I've been mentioning assumptions of mine and probably touching on projections. That's really about it. I want to have a genuine and serious relationship with this girl; I want to get to know her and be fortunate enough to be in her company. She doesn't seem to feel the same though to be fair I never made my affections known.

That's about it. The rest of my posts are essentially me going into more detail on these and related things; feel free to read them to get a - hopefully - better sense of things. I figure there's really not much I can do other than in a week or two try and strike up another conversation. I enjoy reading everyone's comments, opinions, past experiences, and perspectives. Feel free to share. Thanks in advance.





















Original Post:
I recently met a girl while I was on a retreat and I'm crushing hard on her. I'm just in love with her personality and her sense of style, I feel the way she dresses is so elegant and sexy with occasionally an undertone of seduction. She has a great big sense of humor and seems like she makes an effort to be nice/encouraging to everyone. She's clearly a looker and has lots of guys commenting and positively voting her pictures in the social media site we're on. Based off her profile she doesn't appear to have a boyfriend but that doesn't mean she's not committed or simply has a fuck buddy tucked away. She tends to make jokes that have a clearly sexual undertone, maybe she's after a boy toy only or she's sexually deprived. She's also smart and well educated; the thing being that she doesn't seem to express that, as in doesn't talk about intellectual topics though she clearly has knowledge of them and the capacity to discuss them. Also she seems to have this childish/playful side to her but at the same time I get the feeling there's a more serious side lurking underneath, possibly some world filled with emotional depth.

Long story short. I was pretty reserved and not-too social for most of the trip and we barely chatted all throughout; a random superficial conversation here and there. I maybe got drunk once or twice and made a fool of myself during the trip; one time she let me buy her a drink while our group was at the club. She accepted me on a social media site after the trip, I messaged her thanking her; she replied that she was glad to have met me and if in the next year or two she'd be on vacation in my hometown then I could give her a tour. I replied to her message continuing the conversation and she didn't bother replying and then several hours later I messaged her asking about her interests and that got ignored too. (She uses her phone to browse the site and it's been a few days so I clearly got rejected.)

So I'm sort of stumped, I don't know what to do. On the one hand I'm tempted to take the hint and let things be and maybe best case scenario just do my own thing and maybe she'll fall for me one day; but, I'm quite taken with this girl and on the other hand I'm tempted to conjure up whatever romance and charm I'm capable of and win her over. I have no problem with the latter, even if it takes months if not years; but, at the same rate I don't want to come off as some persistent hopeless stalker/loser. If the advances were to continue, ideally I'd be as romantic attempts though I'm not sure she even knows I'm interested. At least I never explicitly said so, not even really a compliment except maybe one time when people were trading them in a group; I guess my fear is that, she's not stupid, and probably assumes on some level I'm interested but believes that I'm really governed by lust when in fact I was hit with one of Cupid's arrows. I suppose there's also the issue of how I could win her over with our medium of contact being the internet, like what we'd just chat and fall for each other, or I'd take a more active interest with things and romance her somehow; but, since this is online and she doesn't seem interested I don't know how I'd go about with the charm in the first place.

I suppose there's also the issue of if she's not into you maybe she's not your type and you're just getting caught up in some fantasy, etc. But that's the thing, like I want a relationship with this woman; get to know her and spend time in her company, have fun, etc.

Also maybe on a personal level, I'm struggling with ideas of how to present myself? I guess ideally one would want to be genuine. But you know then you have issues like you have several sides to yourself and only some of them are constellated in the person's presence. I have this random idea in my head that she wants some kind of handsome manly gentlemen like Don Draper or one of those casual older guys (around 30s) that are well kept with a short beard. It seems she's surrounded by playful guys. I just don't know really what to think about her and that's in large part because I don't know much about her but from the little I do know I'm head over heels in love.



So the point of this post, other than I suppose to express myself, is that I'm curious about people's similar experiences and advice. What do you think I should do? What would you do in my position? Am I overlooking something or caught up with something in particular? If you've been in my position what have you done in the past and how did it play out? If you're in the girls position, how would you react to all this? Especially, for girls who have/are in a position of being admired by many guys, how does one stand out to you among the crowd? If say the guy hasn't made the best of impressions on you and you're not interested, how would he win you over? I suppose the first and the last questions are the ones I'm most interested in but really I value perspectives and critical dialogue and like to read everything people write pertaining to the topic on hand.

That's about it. Thanks for reading everyone and thanks in advance for any and all comments.

Edit: FYI, we're both recent college graduates.
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CunningLinguist143
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The world view I created for myself many many years ago as teenager reading up on this stuff was that the average (as in 50th percentile) length of a penis was around 6 inches (with a +/- margin of error or range of .25 inches) and the average girth/circumference was 5 inches (with a similar if not smaller margin of error).

That said I've always considered my member to be around average in length and slightly above average in girth; the data you posted seems to be in-line with and support my own personal world view.

Nice table btw, I like how it compares studies and is easy to read. Thanks for sharing.

Also I understand your reasoning in posting it in the women's section because they've seen more cocks first hand - pun intended. But I'd wager most women (and realistically people in general, not even limiting myself to a particular sex) don't have a good sense of perception and measurement and even if they do normally not while they're taking part in circumstances that led them to see a penis. A misjudgment by eye'ing it - pun sort of intended - could be quite misleading because as your charts show. One standard deviation is anywhere from half an inch to a whole inch so one mis-perception on the observes part and you're in a completely different percentile, further complicating the topic.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by LASARDaddy

A quickie can be fun but the real enjoyment is in the intimacy. I've done a couple wham-bam-thank-you-mam's and I much prefer to take my time. Knowing what each likes and wants makes it so much better. It's all about trust. I want there to be a long time between, "Hi." and "Where's my panties?"

We are all slaves to our feelings and emotions but I don't think they're instincts. They're a learned thing and we have the power to change them if we try. I look at mine as my ego and I have a big one. Very demanding but I'm in control, not him. I do see it as a separate "Being?", I don't know, I just know that I do not allow most of the things he wants.

I learned to control it a long time ago.


The "where's my panties?" line is a classic - well said.

I was conceptualizing emotions as different from instincts. I suppose this is all open to debate and everyone's subjective perspective and how they define these ideas. But I was using instinct more in the traditional biological sense. As in one might have an instinct to fuck or eat or socialize.

I'm tempted to agree with you that the ego has some willpower but I suppose I subscribe to the "Jungian" worldview that there are bigger things out there than the ego. Are you familiar with Analytical Psychology? I feel like the difference you're getting at between your ego and something else, could be the Ego - Shadow axis or Ego - "Self" axis.

I'm also tempted to point out that people tend to use the word identity as a definition or synonym for ego, so one generalizing thing a person could say is ego = I. So when you say "[you're] in control, not him" you'd technically be getting at something outside yourself/ego.

If you found anything I said interesting, I'd suggest looking into the books "The I and the Not-I" and/or "Psychic Energy: Its origin and transformation" both by Mary Esther Harding. I feel like both works touch on the subject that we brought up.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by JacquieJ
Bloody uncomfortable


Well said.

Quote by anonymous1526
Well as you could imagine... It feels dry.


Fair enough.

Quote by trinket

A cock is not going to "slip" in anywhere if she is dry.


Quote by SweetKing126
nor will it "slip" anywhere if he is dry


Damn, writers and authors so literal.

Quote by BiMarriedMomNY

Couldn't have said it better myself
Although if I am with someone and we are at that point of 'insertion' I very much doubt I am dry


Seems there's some agreement.

Quote by ChuckEPoo
Actually as a guy, a dry pussy doesn't feel any better fore me than for her. Sex is a team activity and there is more than my needs to consider. So if she is dry she is either not into it and I should not go any further of she is older mad the natural secretions are not happening and I should not go any further, or I have not spent enough time in foreplay and should not go further. Hmmm common theme here?


A slip 'n slide is more fun.

Quote by BethanyFrasier
OK guys... picture a proctological exam with an unlubricated rubber glove! :-)


But I'm still trying to forget the one with the lubricated glove!

Quote by jollyjack
Imagine sand-paper in the bottom of a budgies cage......


The sandpaper would explain that "rash" I have.

Quote by Ariel21
Who does this?? What guy wants to feel a dry vagina???? I have not once ever heard a man beg me for my tight, dry, pussy. And if shes dry shes not turned on. Work harder. It would hurt. Like a really bad turn on a slip and slide that was never hosed down.


Your first question cracked me up. I'm tempted to agree with you, I can't say I'm a dry vagina guy myself but I can't speak for the whole male sex. I think "If she's dry she's not turned on. Worker harder." needs to be made into a t-shirt.

Quote by Milik_Redman
If she's not feeling it, then I haven't done the things I need to do to arouse her. I love giving a woman tongue time, so i don't see this problem if she wants sex.

If she isn't in the mood, then she isn't in the mood. Trying to do it when she is ready seems... Forced to me.


I suppose you're right about not being in the mood part. I was thinking more along the lines of she's mentally not horny atm but still open to sex.

Quote by Milik_Redman

Anal sex without lube.

This is a big reason so many women only try it once. Sex should be wet. Simple as that


I agree with you 100%. It's amazing what lots of lub, rubbing and teasing, and fingering could have done prior to shoving it in.

Quote by Dirty_D
I might be the odd one out, but if we are going for a quickie, it can sorta be fun. I get very wet extremely easily, so for me to have dry sex means my partner just came up on me and decided to fuck me. (and within a stroke, Im already getting wet, so we arent talking a lot of fucking here) the excitement isnt in the dryness(its awkward, and nothing slides right) but in the urgency.


Thank you for the unique and interesting perspective.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by 1lush
Breasts are great "TOYS" in any size. Never seen any that I didn't like.


Amen. Toys are fun but we started life without them and most ended up outgrowing theirs and finding other (better?) interests.
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Quote by Whispurr
I love it when he starts with licking and sucking my lips and then moves on to my clit which by the time he gets there is aching with anticipation. When its done with that combination or anything similar he will have me cumming in no time at all!


Yes! Definition of tease.
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Thank you everyone for the information and perspectives - I appreciate it.

Quote by Dani
Uncomfortable, painful.
Of the two scenarios, I don't engage in sex unless I'm there mentally already unless it's abrupt (like angry sex).

As far as the other, pain or discomfort is an instant turnoff for me. So sex just doesn't happen at all or happens much later.


Interesting so you need all the dominoes in place.


Quote by Metilda
When you're older - dry and turned on just happens sometimes. Why stop having sex just because? Saliva, a vigorous finger fuck (does wonders), lube - whatever you need to get wet and get fucked. Your body's natural wetness will follow along soon enough.

And at least in regard to men who are sized like my husband: dry isn't even possible. Too much skin friction.


Mind and body aren't always synchronized indeed; thankfully we have human creativity.


Quote by pink_pussy
Never had a dry pussy lol


Oh you. Now I know my first short story. The Woman Whose Pussy Never Went Dry: A Gift or a Curse?


Quote by Rubz
If I'm not mentally ready for it, then we just don't start yet, got to be up for it.

Sometimes the willing is there but the body hasn't quite caught up, in which case we opt for, 1. I give him a blow job - usually works. 2. He goes down on me...always works!! 3. Watch a bit of porn/lush stories and if all else fails, grab the lube. It's too painful without.

Though to be fair, it rarely gets to the needing lube stage lol.

Rubz, xx


I see foreplay equals more play for more than one person.
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CunningLinguist143
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I apologize if this has been asked before. I mean the word "feel" in my question in many ways: emotionally, physically, etc.

Lets paint two scenarios. The first one sex is just starting and you're mentally not turned on yet. The second one you're in the mood but your pussy has yet to follow. A cock slips into you while dry. Your reaction?

Also what are your reactions after the moment? Do you keep trying? Do you go for the lub?

I ask more for widening-my-perspective and writing-research purposes; not really to get turned on, for immediate needs I have porn for that.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by anonymous1526
definitely would choose my clit being sucked over licked any day! Also, I HATE it when a guy starts licking me and shoves his finger in blerrgghhghghghhhh, what's the point in licking if you're fingering as well, so stupid! Get your lips on my clit and suck gently and use your tongue on it whilst sucking too, play with my nipples at the same time and I will be cumming in no time!


Amen. Thank you for the validation.

I know everyone's different though and would love to hear more opinions and perspectives.
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CunningLinguist143
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I'm just planning ahead here and like to be informed. I suppose this really belongs in the KDP Amazon forum but it's a little relevant here too. My question is, does anyone know if I'd be violating copyright with Amazon KDP Select if I posted a chapter of my book here before I publish the whole thing with them?

Also on the topic of copyright ... If I'm quoting a real book that exists in the world in my story and give it a citation at the end bibliography at the end. Then I'm all good right?

Thank you in advance for any and all help.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Dancing_Doll
1. I come up with an idea.

2. I let it sit in my mind for a day or sometimes a week - going through possible scenario and scenes, trying to establish character ties, in order to tell the story I want to tell. In general, it will often play out like a movie in my mind in quite a natural way.

3. I write a detailed sketch of each character and scene - from beginning to end. I always have the final scene established in my head before starting the process of taking the reader on a journey there. I like to have it mapped out so that I can add texture and nuances along the way, especially if there's some kind of unexpected twist or ending that requires some hints and plot-layers along the way.

4. I begin writing... usually it's the first opening scene, but sometimes I'll write them as I'm inspired and piece them together later. Because I know what the big picture is going to look like, it's not overly complicated to do this, however I do notice that these stories tend to require heavier edits because I can sometimes be repetitive.

5. Editing - this process feels like it takes forever. I'll hack, chop, refine, add to and re-arrange. Then I'll do the edits for grammar and proofreading.

6. Wait a day or two and re-read so that it's fresh and do further proofreads/edits.

7. Publish.


It's took me a while to commit to this kind of writing process. My earliest stories were basically "hazy idea concept, write, proofread once, and publish."


Thanks for this. I'm giving this whole erotica writing stuff a shot and this approach seemed like an efficient way; seeing someone actually say they do this makes me want to commit in this way more. I put my favorite part in bold.
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CunningLinguist143
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Quote by Petamarie

this....



I'm sure it's just my subjective perception but I don't understand the hostility from either of you. Is getting your clit "slapped" by a cock or hand not pleasurable, at least for some? I don't mind getting my balls cupped. Idk about squeezed ... there's blood vessels down there.
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CunningLinguist143
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I think objectifying women * pauses for moral following moral judgements * only works when you're lusting at a distance. Once you're under the sheets whether it be to satisfy desire or breath fire to an intimate connection, it really doesn't matter; and, just exploring the other person's body no matter how it's shaped is enjoyable.
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