I love the responses in here. I wish I could have a direct conversation with every one of you! As for true love, I think Aristotle actually has a lot to offer, saying that we must first be friends, and that being friend means to wish for and do good for the other for their own sake, as opposed to doing good for them in order to gain some benefit for ourselves. My general story:
I grew up in a home that was pretty severely emotionally and psychologically abusive. Like it or not, it shaped what I thought it meant to receive love and to give love,as everyone's environment does. I used to have a hard time relating this to people who grew up in a home that nurtured their basic human self. I think people take for granted that they weren't raised to believe they are an insult to the universe, or even to question their self worth.
The first time I thought I was in love, I was just emotionally dependent on my partner. I was 16. Suicide was the plan after that one. The second time i thought I was in love, I was just an arrogant possessive prick out of boot camp supercharged with testosterone and thinking I had to die to prove my love. I lost her quick. Martyrdom in Iraq was the plan after that one. Anyone who has done the research will tell you that, given my background, it was 10 times more likely that I would become abusive in my relationships, and that's what happened in both of these cases.
I spent the next 7 years of my life single... learning about myself, taking responsibility for my life, and dealing with my past.
A couple years ago I was dating a girl who I think I actually succeeded in loving. Unfortunately, I was not ready to be "in love". I tried to make the point to her that I was NOT ready to fall in love, that I was doing some serious internal work and often shared my progress with her, and frequently commented that I wasn't the idealized version of me that she saw. I wanted to know that she saw me for all of my strengths and all of my flaws. I couldn't get that point across to her in time and she left me. Ironically she left me because she thought I wanted to leave her, and even pointing out that I didn't seemed to only strengthen her conviction to not work things out. She had a thing about not contradicting herself or exposing her own errors. I was devastated. It was kind of weird that even after dating a short time we had connected so well that anywhere we went people assumed we had been together for 6 years. It felt like I had lost someone I was with for 6 years. As tragic as it was to lose her, it was a turning point for me. As a result of the heartache and everything I learned about myself I found closure about a lot of things that have happened in my life. I worry about her a lot. In any case, I had achieved what I set out to do, and that was to love her and myself, and care about what's good for both of us. Her for her own sake and me for my own sake. It was like the lonely years of my life leading up to that relationship were about becoming a better person so that I could be better for her. I think I still love her, although I don't know if I could ever date her again just because of how she ended things.
Two years later I'm still single although I have dated some friends, and I've begun volunteering as an advocate at a domestic violence shelter. Realizing how far I've come in my life I've started to consider that I may actually be worth loving, that it's now safe to love me, and that I may actually be capable of loving again. Until then, I'll just keep doing good in the world.
Active Ink Slinger
i don't like this. I don't know this person well enough to trust or not trust them. Maybe I jumped in too fast.