A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"
A peanut was walking down the road, he was assaulted.
Why was the tomato running? Because it had to Ketchup to the others...
A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
Of all our inventions for mass communication,
pictures still speak the most universally understood language.
Walt Disney René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Of all our inventions for mass communication,
pictures still speak the most universally understood language.
Walt Disney What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Of all our inventions for mass communication,
pictures still speak the most universally understood language.
Walt Disney A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
A boy walks in on his mom and dad having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?" The dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" The boy says, "Well, do her doggy style I want a puppy."
Two women arrived at the gate of heaven at about the same time and struck up a conversation while they were waiting in line.
One of them asked the other, "How did you die?" She answered, "I froze to death." "That must have been awful!" said the first woman. "Oh, it wasn't that bad. Once I stopped shivering, it was kind of like I just went to sleep. . . . And how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack. I had been suspicious that my husband was having an affair, and I was determined to catch him. I came home early from work one afternoon, saw that my husband was there too, and dashed into the house to catch him in the act. I found my husband just sitting on the couch, alone, in his underwear. I was sure he was hiding a woman in the house, so I ran around checking all the other rooms on the first floor but found nothing. Then I ran down to the basement and looked all over. I still didn't find anyone, so I ran back up two flights of stairs to check all the bedrooms -- but then I had a heart attack from all that activity."
The second woman stated, "Well, it's too bad you didn't look in the freezer, or we'd BOTH still be alive!"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"
"No...I'm a rabbit in Shropshire!”...
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef....
Thor is in Valhalla. Its another Saturday night and he looks around at all the old familiar goddesses and thinks 'Sod this. I'm fed up of shagging the same old goddesses, week in week out, I'm going down to earth for a night out and see if I can't pull one of those human girls!'
So he goes down to earth and finds himself sitting at the end of a bar in the West end chatting to a gorgeous blonde. They get on great, chatting, drinking, dancing and generally having a great night. One thing leads to another and Thor ends up taking her back to his hotel for the night and its not long before he is shagging her senseless.
They're at it all night; all positions and all over the room. They finally go to sleep around 6am..
They wake up late morning and Thor is lying there feeling a bit of a shit. He hadn't introduced himself throughout the whole night!
He feels the least he could do is tell this girl who he's slept with. He looks across at her as she lies there stirring. Her eyes open and she smiles up at him.
"Hi, he says smiling, I'm Thor"
"You're Thor!" she says, "You're fucking Thor! I'm tho thor I can't pith thtwaite!"
God want to have a holiday so he discusses the idea with Gabriel. They talk of various place but none appeal. Then Gabriel says "How about earth - lots of action down there nowadays?'' God replies, ''Naw I got a girl pregnant down there once about 2000 years ago and they've been going on about it ever since. ''
If you come home from work and your wife is yelling at you from the front door and your dog is barking at the back door. Go to the back door, dogs are always happy to see you.
What did you do wrong if your wife comes in from the kitchen yelling at you?
Made her chain too long.
2 buddies were sittin at the bar talking as they usually do on Thurdsay nights. Jim looks at his watch and says " I need to get going, or my wife is going to kill me when I get home." Dave looks at him and says "its early have another beer" Jim replies "every time I come home late I shut the headlights off a block down the street and kill the engine and coast into the driveway, somehow she always catches me then yells at me all night for being out at the bar!" Dave looks at him and says " your doing it all wrong, I take my big loud truck and pull up to our house with tires squeeling and the motor revving, come to a screetching halt just before I hit the garage door. When I walk in I smell of booze and women. I barge in the bedroom throw my clothes on the floor and say "your next woman" and she pretends to be asleep every time!"
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don’t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don’t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it’s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don’t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don’t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves. He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed. Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, LWell, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don’t think so!"
3 people are on a boat, each with a cigarette and with no lighter. So one throws a cigarette off the boat and now they are a cigarette lighter
A woman goes to the Doctor.
“Good morning Mrs Jones, what’s the problem?” she asks her.
“Well to be honest Doctor, I’m rather embarrassed. My husband and I had sex last night and we . . . well . . . we got somewhat carried away.”
“Look it’s alright Mrs Jones,” said the Doctor, “you can tell me what the problem is, it’s all part of the job. You wouldn’t believe some of the things we Doctors need to do!”
“Well if truth be known,” said Mrs Jones, “we were experimenting and well,” she said somewhat perplexed, “I’ve got a cream doughnut stuck up my pussy!”
The Doctor suppressed her laughter with a cough and asked Mrs Jones to step into the examination room and undress. She follows her in a short while later donning a pair of latex gloves and asks her patient to lie back on the bed. Gently she parts her knees and places her feet together before she makes to give her an intimate examination.
Mrs Jones lies there uncomfortable in her embarrassment. She reminds herself to chastise her husband for his sordid behaviour. The Doctor meanwhile peeks further into her rather delightful looking vagina, before gently parting her labia with her fingers.
“Well, I can see it Mrs Jones,” she says struggling, “and yes . . . I think I can reach it, but I’m going to have to numb the area first!”
Mrs Jones lies there mortified at having to go through such a routine.
“Do whatever you have to Doctor,” she says, “just get it out of there.”
“OK,” says the Doctor leaning in closer and lowering her head. “Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.”
Dentist looks at the man in the seat and says, "That molar has to come out! Bring me a needle please" to the attendant.
Patient insists, "No no no needles!!"
"OK, bring me the gas mask."
"No no no! No gas! No gas!"
"Then bring him a Viagra" the doctor says.
Patient says, "A Viagra? What's that for?"
Dentist: "You are going to need something to hold onto when I start yanking that molar out!"
In California, they changed the term "gay couple" into "same sex couple", and all the straight couples are saying "well that's redundant, once you're together for a long time, you're gonna be having the same sex"
