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Tex Drifter's Hotline

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What could possibly be more honest than some clown passing out free advice dressed...well...as a clown?

It's like Dear Abby's worst nightmare. Honesty without a censor. No politically correct, touchy-feely, yawn-inducing answers that any second-rate"magic eight ball" could pull off...This is your shot at getting a completely honest, male perspective answer to all of your questions, worries, wants, and woes. How long have you complained that you can never get a straight answer out of a guy?
Here's your chance, don't let it slip by. (I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get bored with this shit. )


Here's how to play:

First-- Quote the nearest "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions )

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer [-o< (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)


Please keep in mind this is all in fun...Play nice with the other posters and I look forward to hearing from ya...none of this bullshit ---> or this --->
Also, all replies are final, no bitching, pissing, moaning, or whining about the advice you get...it's FREE and ya get what ya pay for...
Can't wait to get started, and thank you for playin' along...XXXOOO
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Line's open....waiting for the first caller...

Quote this post to get started...
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Quote by TexDrifter
Line's open....waiting for the first caller...

Quote this post to get started...



Dear Tex,

I'm seriously serious. I’m fat, 50 and fabulous, yet I can’t keep a boyfriend for very long. Ok well I can’t keep one at all. They’re always pretending to bump into me but they bounce straight off and are flung 10 meters away. By the time I try to run over to them, they are long gone. What am I doing wrong?

Franny Fatbottom.
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Quote by trinket
Dear Tex,



Dear Can't Read Directions,
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Quote by trinket




Dear Tex,

I'm seriously serious. I’m fat, 50 and fabulous, yet I can’t keep a boyfriend for very long. Ok well I can’t keep one at all. They’re always pretending to bump into me but they bounce straight off and are flung 10 meters away. By the time I try to run over to them, they are long gone. What am I doing wrong?

Franny Fatbottom.

[/quote
Dear Biggun,

Thank you so much for bein' our first non hang-up caller...although, from the heavy breathing and the sound of potato chip bags crunching in the background, I think you were the hang-up too...
Anyway, your problem is that you can't keep a boyfriend and don't know what to do? Correct? Wrong. See, you answered your own question in the first part of your post...You're fat. This is the part where you want me to tell you it's ok and there's more to love and there's more to a person than outer beauty, and blah...blah...blah... Not gonna do it Hun. That's just shit that fat people say to excuse themselves from cardio. Truth is that outer appearance does matter and when you present an appearance that you obviously don't care about, others won't either. Not saying everyone has to be the perfect '10', but everyone should be at least their own version of an '8'...If you don't care about yourself enough to take care of you...why the hell would somebody else? My advice? Get off your ass, dig the TV remote outta those fat rolls and let the cats use it for a chew toy. Go out for a nice, long walk...not to the fridge, Darlin'...actually get some exercise....Who knows, you may bump into the fat fuck down the block who's finally tired of whackin' it to Asian porn and decided to get some fresh air himself...It'll be a match made in hell. Either way, the movement will do ya some good and give you the best shot at your version of happy ever after. Hope this helps, thanks for playin' along...

XXXOOO
Tex
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next caller?



Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions no )

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer Pray (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?


Dear Tex,


Sometimes Hispanic guys call me "mommy".

I am not matronly or momyish by any stretch..I don't know what to make of that. Why do u think they call me that?

Thanks Tex,

Chanel


Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions no )

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer Pray (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)
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Quote by Chanel



Dear Mommy,

I'm very sorry it took so long to get back to you. Evidently the Hotline has moved to a quieter part of town and nobody told me. Been trying to figure out how the hell to get to work for the last hour. Coulda swore this place was in the Pub...go figure?

Anyway, to answer your question, sometimes the only honest answer is "Idunno"...I'm not Hispanic, but being from Texas I do hear them calling everyone from Grandma down to the tiniest toddler "Momma". What I will say is that it is obviously a term of endearment so you shouldn't be offended. You don't necessarily have to be flattered, but you should take it as a pleasant greeting. Kinda like when someone says Merry Christmas to a non Christian...it's meant as a pleasant greeting and if you're wittle feelers get hurt by that, step into my office and lemme show ya the difference between having your sense of political correctness tweaked, and bein' fuckin' offended..lol Anyway, sorry I couldn't answer any better than that, but I'll keep my ears open and talk to a few friends and possibly throw an edit on here if I find something out that makes more sense...Until then, just smile and nod...that's what I do when faced with foggy cultural differences and it has never failed me yet....Hope this helped (prolly not much and sorry) and thanks for playin' along...

XXXOOO
Tex
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next caller?



Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)
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Dear Tex,

I gotta PROBLEM! I'm only 5' tall but my GF (who has triple D knockers) is 6' 4" tall...in FLATS! The problem is, she LOVES to dance! Don't get me wrong, the SLOW dances are HEAVEN! BUT, a Cha Cha with her is like going five rounds with Mike Tyson! And, she LOVES to Cha Cha! Please HELP ME!

Signed,
Wee Willie Wankin
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Quote by TexDrifter
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Dear Tex,

Long time listener, first time caller.

I'm quite tall; we are talking jolly green giant realm here. I work out, run, cycle, swim. But my boyfriend never wants to go dancing with me. I wear low cut dresses that show off my huge tits, but he still won't cha cha with me.

What should I do?

Jolly giantess
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Quote by naughtynurse


Dear Tex,

Long time listener, first time caller.

I'm quite tall; we are talking jolly green giant realm here. I work out, run, cycle, swim. But my boyfriend never wants to go dancing with me. I wear low cut dresses that show off my huge tits, but he still won't cha cha with me.

What should I do?

Jolly giantess



Dear Jiggly Jolly,

You seem to be at a crossroads in your relationship. You may just have to ask yourself how important the cha-cha is versus how you feel about your vertically challenged beau. If you truly love him and can't imagine being with any other, dancing may be something you have to either give up or find another partner (if that's something he can be ok with). You see, one major problem here is that you're only seeing your desire to dance and not his desire to not fucking dance. Do you see where you're being selfish here? Instead of accepting your mini-he for what he is, you're trying to change him into the little, toy poodle, lap-boyfriend that you want him to be. The only fair thing you can do is decide whether you can live with the fact that he's NEVER going to be interested in dancing. If you can't accept that, then you should really toss his little ass back to the lolli-pop guild and find yourself a light-footed tall...really tall, dark and handsome that likes to lumber around the dance floor like Gulliver wading through Lilliputians. Or, you could always go braless and rub dem tig-ol'-bitties all over some other dude on the dance floor...your itty bitty boyfriend will be all about chasing the low cut dress around the floor to keep the other guys off his ta-tas...that's prolly what most chicks would do. Sluts. Hope this helped and as always, thanks for playin' along.

XXXOOO
Tex
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Quote by Weavindreams
Dear Tex,

I gotta PROBLEM! I'm only 5' tall but my GF (who has triple D knockers) is 6' 4" tall...in FLATS! The problem is, she LOVES to dance! Don't get me wrong, the SLOW dances are HEAVEN! BUT, a Cha Cha with her is like going five rounds with Mike Tyson! And, she LOVES to Cha Cha! Please HELP ME!

Signed,
Wee Willie Wankin


Dear Shorty Cantreadthefuckindirections,

You shoulda read the fucking directions and quoted me so that I would have noticed what a douche you were before getting onto your GIGANTIC ol' lady for being a selfish twat. But, to answer your question, teach her to two-step and she'll forget all about the cha-cha. Better yet...send her down here and I'll teach her to two-step...She might be a little sticky when ya get her back, but don't sweat it..it's better than black eyes right? Hope this helps and thanks for playin' along...

XXXOOO
Tex
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next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)



Dear Tex,

When I wake up in the mornings my best friend is in bed with my husband and I, however she is not there when we go to sleep. I seem to be sleeping very deeply lately. Anyhoo... When I ask her why, she says she is here to cook our breakfast but my husband says he’s already eaten. I think he’s getting his breakfast somewhere else. What do you think I should do?

Cassy Cantcookforshit.
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)



Dear Tex,

Ok so like this is like my serious like fucking like question! See like I met this like totally awesome like guy and he like totally like seriously like you know likes me too cause like he told his like best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my best friends brother so like I know it's like totally true! But like I went to his house to see him and he like totally like acted like I was crazy like in the head. He said he doesn't like know me but that's like not totally true bc like he told his best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my bests friends brother! So will you like help me Mr. Tex find out like what the fuck is like going on! Am I like totally like misunderstanding like everything. Its like so crazy because I know he likes me because he like told his best friend who liked told his sister who totally knows my best friends brother!! Like seriously like please help oh and like do you like help girls find out like how to like know what like toss salad is? I heard like this guy like wanted his salad tossed but like isn't all salads tossed? And like how does one like do something like sexual with vegetables? Though like there's this one girl who likes to use cucumbers in her pussy but that's because like she is like totally weird cause like who the fuck uses cucumbers on your pussy! You're supposed to slice them and put them on your eyes like totally duh!

Bambi Boomerang
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Quote by Sassylicious

Dear Tex,

Ok so like this is like my serious like fucking like question! See like I met this like totally awesome like guy and he like totally like seriously like you know likes me too cause like he told his like best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my best friends brother so like I know it's like totally true! But like I went to his house to see him and he like totally like acted like I was crazy like in the head. He said he doesn't like know me but that's like not totally true bc like he told his best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my bests friends brother! So will you like help me Mr. Tex find out like what the fuck is like going on! Am I like totally like misunderstanding like everything. Its like so crazy because I know he likes me because he like told his best friend who liked told his sister who totally knows my best friends brother!! Like seriously like please help oh and like do you like help girls find out like how to like know what like toss salad is? I heard like this guy like wanted his salad tossed but like isn't all salads tossed? And like how does one like do something like sexual with vegetables? Though like there's this one girl who likes to use cucumbers in her pussy but that's because like she is like totally weird cause like who the fuck uses cucumbers on your pussy! You're supposed to slice them and put them on your eyes like totally duh!

Bambi Boomerang




Come on...... I HAD to.

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Quote by trinket



Dear Tex,

When I wake up in the mornings my best friend is in bed with my husband and I, however she is not there when we go to sleep. I seem to be sleeping very deeply lately. Anyhoo... When I ask her why, she says she is here to cook our breakfast but my husband says he’s already eaten. I think he’s getting his breakfast somewhere else. What do you think I should do?

Cassy Cantcookforshit.





Dear Clueless Third Wheel,

I'm just taking a shot in the dark here, but it's fairly obvious what's going on. Your friend is selflessly saving your marriage. Obviously she isn't there when you go to bed because, why would she be?...Breakfast isn't 'til morning. I'm guessing she comes over early, quietly cooks breakfast so her beloved bestie can sleep in, and in the process completely exhausts herself. While your husband has his breakfast, she crawls quietly in bed with you. Careful not to wake you, she settles in for a little catnap...you know, tired from all the...uh...cooking. So, your hubby finishes up his breakfast, rinses the fishy smell off his face, then crawls back into bed for some digestive hibernation. Along this time you wake up to a completely satisfied hubby and an exhausted bff. Count your stars you have such a wonderful protagonist in your corner...She may very well be the glue that keeps your life together...prolly explains why she's kinda sticky in the mornings. I can see why you'd be confused about all this, but hopefully I've cleared a few things up for ya.

Tell your wonderful hubby "hi" for me and thank you so much for the case of Scotch and box of Cuban cigars. He's a real catch, don't ever let him go!!! Hope this helped, doll and thanks for playin' along.

XXXOOO
Tex
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Quote by Sassylicious



Dear Tex,

Ok so like this is like my serious like fucking like question! See like I met this like totally awesome like guy and he like totally like seriously like you know likes me too cause like he told his like best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my best friends brother so like I know it's like totally true! But like I went to his house to see him and he like totally like acted like I was crazy like in the head. He said he doesn't like know me but that's like not totally true bc like he told his best friend who told his sister who like totally knows my bests friends brother! So will you like help me Mr. Tex find out like what the fuck is like going on! Am I like totally like misunderstanding like everything. Its like so crazy because I know he likes me because he like told his best friend who liked told his sister who totally knows my best friends brother!! Like seriously like please help oh and like do you like help girls find out like how to like know what like toss salad is? I heard like this guy like wanted his salad tossed but like isn't all salads tossed? And like how does one like do something like sexual with vegetables? Though like there's this one girl who likes to use cucumbers in her pussy but that's because like she is like totally weird cause like who the fuck uses cucumbers on your pussy! You're supposed to slice them and put them on your eyes like totally duh!

Bambi Boomerang



Dear Empty Vessel,

Like, waaay stop over-thinking this, KK? Just relax and be happy with the alone time that he spends with you in secret. The reason he only calls at odd hours of the morning is that he is deathly afraid his friends might find out...what a priceless gem you are I mean. I'm sure he's infatuated (that means like, totes hot for ur bod) with you and it probably kills him not to be able to shout your name from the rooftops. But ya gotta keep it all on the downlow.

As for your salad tossing question, that's easy-peasy. He wants you to lick his asshole. Idunno what it has to do with salad either and have wondered myself on occasion how it came to be called that, but it is what it is. Normally I would suggest that a girl be very careful about such activities because they are degrading and can be slightly unsafe due to the spread of certain diseases. However, for you, I say go for it. Let's face it dollface, you ain't ever gonna cure cancer, solve the energy crisis, or perfect the longer-lasting light bulb. Your best shot at ever having any kind of life outside of govt assistance is tossing any pride you might have and becoming someone's little fuck doll.

You should do your best to learn every trick in the book when it comes to sucking cock, eating ass (salad tossing), taking anal, deepthroating, swallowing jizz, and just generally being the filthiest cockholster around. Bout the only thing you bring to the table, Hun, is a few warm places to rest a weary cock. Don't resist it...embrace it!!! Submerge yourself in it. If you get good enough at it, you might just find yourself a Sugardaddy willing to put up with 10 or 15 minutes of conversation with you just so he can bounce you off his dick like a cheap, plastic fuck doll. I doubt it, but everyone needs dreams, right? Shoot for the stars kiddo, and believe me, when you reach for the sky, your gonna have a hardon in each hand and callouses on your knees. Some girls are showered with diamonds, but let's be realistic...Like, sweetheart, like, a pearl necklace or two is about all you can ever hope for.

If you want, and you promise not to talk, I'll help with your training any way I can. Who knows, with the right attitude and hard work, you might even get into degradation porn someday and become like, famous!! Excited yet? Hope so...I truly hope this helped and thank you so much for playin'...

XXXOOO
Tex
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next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)


Dear Tex

I have a serious problem! I was told to come to you because you are so wise beyond your years. See I have this friend and she is addicted to porn and she discovered clown porn and wanted to try out this fantasy. So as she was going down on me wearing her big red nose as she was getting into it POP in goes her nose. Now its stuck! We tried everything to get it out but it absorbed all moisture and is lodged in there somewhere pretty tight. I don't know what to do! I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctor yet everytime I sit or squat my pussy now squeaks like a dinner bell oh what does one do in times like these! Can you help me Mr Tex?

Sally Squeaksalot
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)



Dear Tex,
I’m very pretty. I’m so pretty, oh so pretty, I’m prettier than the ugly girl next door. (She keeps saying I’m ‘pretty ugly’) She is always trying to copy how I dress, how I walk, how I apply my makeup but she’s still ugly. It’s just embarrassing for me because she follows me everywhere. Well, she walks in front of me everywhere… that’s still stalking, right? How do I get rid of this klingon?

Sasha Sofuckinguglyshescaresclowns.
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Quote by TexDrifter
next caller?

Here's how to play:

First-- Quote this "next caller" post made by me (very important that you quote one of my posts, because I've met me and I know I'm not gonna check in here for new questions)

Second--- Start your post with: Dear Tex, (It's just polite)

Third--- Ask your question, state your problem, or voice your concern (only one topic per post...no cheating and getting two or three for the price of one)

Finally--- Sign your name and wait patiently for an answer (I will answer all posts in the order they come in...if yours gets skipped, PM me)


Dear Tex,

I have a serious problem. See, I am addicted to clown porn. Yes, there... I said it!
Me and my girlfriend Sally Squeaksalot were acting out my fantasy when we ummm...we were getting
"close" if you know what I mean. And while I was doing something... you know "special" for her.
Well, son-of-a-bitch if my big red nose didn't just POP off and get stuck in her, ummm..."woman parts"!
We tried everything we could, to get it out... but it's STUCK!

My dilemma is that she has to meet my parents next week and now she squeaks,
every time she takes a step! How will I ever explain that?
Plus I have a "gig" at a retirement home next week, you know "juggling and balloon animals"... I NEED MY NOSE!!!
Please! we need your wisdom, oh! Great One!

Nelly Needsherfuckingnoseback
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Quote by trinket



Dear Tex,
I’m very pretty. I’m so pretty, oh so pretty, I’m prettier than the ugly girl next door. (She keeps saying I’m ‘pretty ugly’) She is always trying to copy how I dress, how I walk, how I apply my makeup but she’s still ugly. It’s just embarrassing for me because she follows me everywhere. Well, she walks in front of me everywhere… that’s still stalking, right? How do I get rid of this klingon?

Sasha Sofuckinguglyshescaresclowns.




Dear Fugly,

Stop stalking trinket. She told me about you, even pointed you out the other day. This infatuation with her is understandable, I mean, she’s a gorgeous girl and I can see where any chick would wanna be more like her. But this “Single White Female” obsession you have with her has gotta stop.

I think you should try to find a hobby. Needs to be something that either involves masks (maybe LARPing) or is done in the complete dark. Possibly night-time speed walking down deserted highways?

Better yet, go get yourself a job. Fill your time and earn a little spending money…you know, for more LARP masks. You could work at the bakery part time mashing your face in dough and making gorilla cookies. You’d be a shoe in if you applied at the exterminator’s. You could scare rats and cockroaches out of all the places that can’t be sprayed with conventional poisons. You could go down to the rail yard and get a job stopping runaway trains. Just make sure they stop instead of turning down a dirt road to get away from you. Point is, there are lotsa options.

Whatever you do, stop following my girl all over the place and emulating her every trait. It’s getting on my nerves listening to her constantly bitching, whining, pissing, and moaning about it. She chucks one more spak about you and ruins another night for me, I’m gonna have a couple of my sketchier friends work you over with an even uglier stick…catch the rhythm of the track I’m layin’ down here, sasquatch? Hope you do and I hope this has helped…and, of course, thanks for playin’ along.

XXXOOO
Tex
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Quote by Sassylicious


Dear Tex

I have a serious problem! I was told to come to you because you are so wise beyond your years. See I have this friend and she is addicted to porn and she discovered clown porn and wanted to try out this fantasy. So as she was going down on me wearing her big red nose as she was getting into it POP in goes her nose. Now its stuck! We tried everything to get it out but it absorbed all moisture and is lodged in there somewhere pretty tight. I don't know what to do! I'm too embarrassed to go to the doctor yet everytime I sit or squat my pussy now squeaks like a dinner bell oh what does one do in times like these! Can you help me Mr Tex?

Sally Squeaksalot


Dear Chew Toy,

Before we get into the solution for your problem, I just have to say, this is what you get for being a lesbian. I’ve looked at the pics you sent in and your decision to go vag-itarian is a waste of a perfectly good vagina if you ask me. Hit me up if you ever get tired of batting for the other team…I’ll make ya squeak from the other end…

Ok, as for the answer to your delima, I hate to tell you, there isn’t much option. Gonna have to see a doctor. When things get stuck in there, sometimes it creates a vacuum that makes it difficult if not impossible to remove manually (by manually I mean by your clown lovin’, clam diggin’, “roommate” shoving her hand up there and fishing around for trinkets and treasures).

I understand your embarrassment and reluctance to seek medical attention. However, it is very important that you get the thing removed. At worst, if left inside you, it could cause severe negative health effects like Toxic Shock Syndrome which is potentially fatal. It could cause severe infection leading to sepsis and possible death from irreversible toxemia. At the very best you’ll be known in hushed whispers as, “that girl with the uncontrollable whistlin’ farts.”

I highly suggest that you seek medical treatment immediately. If you’re overly concerned about the news getting out and being called ‘Squeaky’ the rest of your life, I think a road trip is in order. Drive far enough away that you feel comfortable that you’ll never have to look the giggling hospital staff in the eye again. Good news is that this kind of thing happens more often than you think and any Emergency Room at any decent sized hospital will be equipped to remove foreign objects from horny fucktards (don’t be pissed at me for using medical terminology). Most likely it won’t require surgery, just a simple procedure of drilling a hole through the rubber and allowing air to pass through to remove the vacuum effect. Maybe a coupla clowntown jokes, and you’re on your way, good as new.

I worked as a tech in an ER for two years before I ran off and joined the circus…you wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen shoved up idiots…Anyway, hope this helps and thank you very much for playin’


XXXOOO
Tex
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Quote by SugarBaby2013


Dear Tex,

I have a serious problem. See, I am addicted to clown porn. Yes, there... I said it!
Me and my girlfriend Sally Squeaksalot were acting out my fantasy when we ummm...we were getting
"close" if you know what I mean. And while I was doing something... you know "special" for her.
Well, son-of-a-bitch if my big red nose didn't just POP off and get stuck in her, ummm..."woman parts"!
We tried everything we could, to get it out... but it's STUCK!

My dilemma is that she has to meet my parents next week and now she squeaks,
every time she takes a step! How will I ever explain that?
Plus I have a "gig" at a retirement home next week, you know "juggling and balloon animals"... I NEED MY NOSE!!!
Please! we need your wisdom, oh! Great One!

Nelly Needsherfuckingnoseback






Dear SugarBaby2013,

Yeah, that’s right Hun, I recognized my favorite clown-groupie right off. Sill hung up on clown porn, huh? Woulda thought after spending two years as a fluffer on the shoots you’d have gotten over that. Sorry, must have been bad advice.
Anyway, I can solve your problem. This one’s a no-brainer…can’t really even believe you couldn’t pull it off without help.

First, foremost, and most importantly, gotta get you a new nose ordered and on its way. Even if your little play-pretty does get the schnoz outta her snatch, it will most likely be destroyed by the ER doc that removes it. Even if they get it out intact, they tend to keep these things as souvenirs in a “trophy closet” with all the other stuff they’ve pried outta perverted little skanks like your friend. You know, so they can come back and have a giggle when things get tough or they’re having a bad day. Important thing here is that you get the new nose on the way and take care of your J-O-B… I know you dig your little friend, but worrying about her squeaky little slit don’t pay the bills. Keep your priorities straight.

The solution to the squeaking girlfriend is even easier. You have a week ‘til she’s supposed to meet your parents, right? Dump her ass and replace her. No problem. There are lesbians literally everywhere. I’m so sick of having to not only compete with every swingin’ dick in the place, but now half the chicks too? Why can’t there be more gay DUDES instead of so many chicks? Anyway, shouldn’t be any problem picking one up and tonguing her into meeting your parents before the week is out. Problem solved.

Point is, you should really distance yourself from ‘Squeaky’ as soon and as far as possible. The word gets out that you’re involved with the chick that had a clown nose lodged in her twat and you’ll never hear the end of it…might even lose your gig on the porn sets. Definitely won’t ever get promoted from fluffer to full on clown-porn starlet…who wants to deal with a silly fuck that can’t keep her nose on during a little clam buffet? Not porn producers I promise. Dump the little tart and find yourself a replacement. Only real option here.

Well, Sugar, I hope this has helped. Tell everyone down at the set hi for me, and as always, thanks for playin’ along…

XXXOOO
Tex
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Oh my Mr Tex!
I surly do need your wisdom today! My southern lovin redneck decided he wants to spice up our sex life and I ain't shittin you when I tell you what this redneck did to me! This dumb ass done put Louisiana hot sauce on his pecker and then tried fuckin my ass! Now my ass is on fire nonstop and lemme tell you what else! I can't even shit straight without hollarin. How in the sams hell am I supposed to tell this damn redneck that spicing up our sex life don't take no damn hot sauce!

Ashley Myassisonfire
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Hey There Tex!

This here's yer ole drinkin' buddy, you remember me, Gomer Pyle's cousin Giveya?! Well the thang is, that silly lil twat I been a seein' done tolt me she wanted ta spice up our screwin' cause it jest wasn't hot enuf fer her anymore. SOOO, I done jest what she'd asked fer, I poured me about a half a bottle a Tabasco sauce on the ole whanger and shoved it up the dirt road. Wimmin! I tell ya it don't matter what they say they don't mean it! Now all she's a doin' is a whinin' and complainin' that it was TOO HOT! Jest how the Hell am I supposed ta satisfy her right when she don't know what the Hell she wants? (Answer this one fer me and I'll buy yer next six pack down at the Shamble Inn Bar, Grill and Cathouse.)


Yer ole Buddy Giveya Pyles (Gomer never could spell work a damn!)
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Oh my Mr Tex!
I surly do need your wisdom today! My southern lovin redneck decided he wants to spice up our sex life and I ain't shittin you when I tell you what this redneck did to me! This dumb ass done put Louisiana hot sauce on his pecker and then tried fuckin my ass! Now my ass is on fire nonstop and lemme tell you what else! I can't even shit straight without hollarin. How in the sams hell am I supposed to tell this damn redneck that spicing up our sex life don't take no damn hot sauce!

Ashley Myassisonfire



Dear Heinous Anus,

I’m purty sure I can help, shooger. Coupla minor hurdles here, but I think as long as you’re willing to suffer a few bumps and bruises along the way, hopefully we can avoid any more rectal rashes and booty burns.

First, the good news. It appears your raunchy redneck is at least interested in keeping things new and exciting. You have no idea how many women write to me complaining about their boring, mundane SO that won’t be bothered to put some imagination into their sex lives. I’m sure most of them would give their left tit for a scorched butthole and that dirty, filthy, feeling of having been used like a rented mule.

What you need is just a little good, old-fashioned female manipulation. You see, guys (especially thick-witted, over-zealous, under educated nimrods like your trailer-park prince) have a hard time locking in on subtle hints when it comes to what their women want. You have to be a little more obvious in steering him the direction you wanna go. Truth is, you have to hit him over the head with it. Just come out and tell him what you want, how you want it, and don’t spare the perverted details.

Generally most men will gladly do whatever it is that floats your boat, trips your trigger, or blows your skirt up. But we ain’t mind readers. Funny to me how women can talk about men being overgrown toddlers who can barely pull off walking upright…Then in their next thought expect their food services specialist to be Nostradamus in the bedroom. He ain’t got no crystal ball. If he did, he’d prolly just hock it for beer money or trade it for parts to that Camaro on blocks behind the trailer.

So, once your poor, tortured asshole loses the scent of calamine lotion and fades back to its original shade of pink, you might think about seductive ways to guide the ol’ boy in the right direction. You can either peel back the layers of inhibition and reach out verbally to let him know what really spices your taco, or risk an embarrassing trip to the ER when his next sexual epiphany hits.

Good luck in your healing process. Don’t eat anything acidic for a while, and make sure the hot sauce stays in the kitchen where it belongs. Hope this has helped and as always, thanks for playing along.

XXXOOO
Tex