Candy Connoisseur
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Stop being a fucking psycho...although, I say this enough, Im pretty sure she understands me, but I want to be sure...
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If your pet could understand English for 5 minutes, what would you say to him/her?
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Princess Popsicle
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We have two little sister cats who are completely different yet equally as troublesome as each other.
To my cat:
1, why do you need my constant attention? When I'm trying to use the toilet, get dressed or brush my teeth, you cannot sit on my lap- especially when I'm standing up, please get that clear and stop clawing my legs to shreds.
2, when I'm making food, you always cry until I give you some and you never eat it- stop crying.
3, on the grounds that you will only drink running water I bought you a special kitty fountain with a filter and everything, it cost a bomb. Please use it and stop sitting in the sink squawking your head off.
To my fella's cat:
1, when I go upstairs in the middle of the day, it isn't bedtime! Ever.
2, you are now 18 months old, why do you shit in my bath?
3, why are you too scared to go outside, but it's your life's mission to escape to the porch?
And one piece of advice for you both: the noise that hairspray and deodorant make is completely normal, it's not the sound of Dementors who have come to steal your souls. Chill. Out.
To my cat:
1, why do you need my constant attention? When I'm trying to use the toilet, get dressed or brush my teeth, you cannot sit on my lap- especially when I'm standing up, please get that clear and stop clawing my legs to shreds.
2, when I'm making food, you always cry until I give you some and you never eat it- stop crying.
3, on the grounds that you will only drink running water I bought you a special kitty fountain with a filter and everything, it cost a bomb. Please use it and stop sitting in the sink squawking your head off.
To my fella's cat:
1, when I go upstairs in the middle of the day, it isn't bedtime! Ever.
2, you are now 18 months old, why do you shit in my bath?
3, why are you too scared to go outside, but it's your life's mission to escape to the porch?
And one piece of advice for you both: the noise that hairspray and deodorant make is completely normal, it's not the sound of Dementors who have come to steal your souls. Chill. Out.
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Active Ink Slinger
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Stop digging holes in my yard! It looks like land mines went off!!
Active Ink Slinger
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I'm sorry you're being so ignored at the moment. It won't last forever, just until the girls' are a bit bigger and stronger.
Lurker
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Quote by unicorn92
Mine do too. I'm sure they know what "NO" and "Off the table" mean by now, but they have selective hearing lol
My cat knows what off the table means, but like a naughty child she'll still it on it, til she sees someone coming then jump off looking all innocent.
Im guessing by now most, if not all cat lovers have seen 'simons cat', if not have a look see!
http://www.youtube.com/user/simonscat?feature=results_main
Lurker
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If you shit on my carpet one more time don't be surprised when I run you over or have you put down!
Lurker
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I tickle him under his mongrel chin as he gazes at me adoringly with his big eyes....
"Hey Minstrel, boy.... (He's a black and White Collie) You like the walks right? And the Pedigree Chum that I mix in with that crunchy stuff? And you love chasing the Frisbee when I throw it in the park! And you LOVE having your belly tickled! And I KNOW you get embarrassed when I have to pick up your shit in a bag off the sidewalk, but Dude, I don't mind.... It's cool... And you LOVE your chewy slipper! Remember it was one of the pair Sarah bought me from Turnbull and Adams in London? They cost £400.... Hey, boy.... It's okay.... You were just a puppy.... And you LOVE when I chase You! And I pretend to fight with you.... You old thing.... So anyway.... You're not mad we got the Vet to cut off your dick when we got you first, right?"
(Dog growls.)
XX Steph
"Hey Minstrel, boy.... (He's a black and White Collie) You like the walks right? And the Pedigree Chum that I mix in with that crunchy stuff? And you love chasing the Frisbee when I throw it in the park! And you LOVE having your belly tickled! And I KNOW you get embarrassed when I have to pick up your shit in a bag off the sidewalk, but Dude, I don't mind.... It's cool... And you LOVE your chewy slipper! Remember it was one of the pair Sarah bought me from Turnbull and Adams in London? They cost £400.... Hey, boy.... It's okay.... You were just a puppy.... And you LOVE when I chase You! And I pretend to fight with you.... You old thing.... So anyway.... You're not mad we got the Vet to cut off your dick when we got you first, right?"
(Dog growls.)
XX Steph
Wise Ass
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Quote by Somethingaboutme
If you shit on my carpet one more time don't be surprised when I run you over or have you put down!
Wow, please tell me you're not serious. Being a dog owner I would NEVER threaten my boys like that. Not cool.
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker
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Captain Turtle
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I'd also say:
I don't want to leave you when I go to uni, but I have to. So yes, I'm sorry I have become that little green robot you see when you listen to me on speaker phone.
I don't want to leave you when I go to uni, but I have to. So yes, I'm sorry I have become that little green robot you see when you listen to me on speaker phone.
Insert something witty here.
Wise Ass
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To my two French Bulldogs I will say this:
Boys you both fart a lot, when it comes out of you don't look all innocent and look at the other. It was YOU that let it go, they are audible and we know it came from you.
Please try not to snore as much as you do, it wakes us up almost everynight.
You can eat over your bowl you know!
Keep that silly love affair for ice cubes, it's hilarious to see you chase them around the floor.
We love it when you get all excited when we come home. You make it very easy to forget about work and "life" in general - don't ever stop!
You are both dearly loved - please don't ever forget that.
Dude
Please stop being so head shy, people want to pet you. At times you are like a cat, only doing things on your terms.
Be a little more assertive, stop letting your little brother push you around.
You have been more than understanding when we brought your brother into the house. Afterall we got him for you.
Outside of that, please don't change a thing. You are perfect.
Turtle
This year is the year buddy, you are going to learn how to skateboard!
Please stop pooping on the patio, the grass won't bite you!
You don't have to corrall ALL of t he balls in the house and protect them. Give your brother one every now and again would ya?
We are so lucky to have you in our life, you are one special little puppy and we have had all of those surgeries for you to make sure you are around for many more years to come.
We love you boys!
Boys you both fart a lot, when it comes out of you don't look all innocent and look at the other. It was YOU that let it go, they are audible and we know it came from you.
Please try not to snore as much as you do, it wakes us up almost everynight.
You can eat over your bowl you know!
Keep that silly love affair for ice cubes, it's hilarious to see you chase them around the floor.
We love it when you get all excited when we come home. You make it very easy to forget about work and "life" in general - don't ever stop!
You are both dearly loved - please don't ever forget that.
Dude
Please stop being so head shy, people want to pet you. At times you are like a cat, only doing things on your terms.
Be a little more assertive, stop letting your little brother push you around.
You have been more than understanding when we brought your brother into the house. Afterall we got him for you.
Outside of that, please don't change a thing. You are perfect.
Turtle
This year is the year buddy, you are going to learn how to skateboard!
Please stop pooping on the patio, the grass won't bite you!
You don't have to corrall ALL of t he balls in the house and protect them. Give your brother one every now and again would ya?
We are so lucky to have you in our life, you are one special little puppy and we have had all of those surgeries for you to make sure you are around for many more years to come.
We love you boys!
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker
[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Dudealicious
To my two French Bulldogs I will say this:
Boys you both fart a lot, when it comes out of you don't look all innocent and look at the other. It was YOU that let it go, they are audible and we know it came from you.
Please try not to snore as much as you do, it wakes us up almost everynight.
You can eat over your bowl you know!
Keep that silly love affair for ice cubes, it's hilarious to see you chase them around the floor.
We love it when you get all excited when we come home. You make it very easy to forget about work and "life" in general - don't ever stop!
You are both dearly loved - please don't ever forget that.
Dude
Please stop being so head shy, people want to pet you. At times you are like a cat, only doing things on your terms.
Be a little more assertive, stop letting your little brother push you around.
You have been more than understanding when we brought your brother into the house. Afterall we got him for you.
Outside of that, please don't change a thing. You are perfect.
Turtle
This year is the year buddy, you are going to learn how to skateboard!
Please stop pooping on the patio, the grass won't bite you!
You don't have to corrall ALL of t he balls in the house and protect them. Give your brother one every now and again would ya?
We are so lucky to have you in our life, you are one special little puppy and we have had all of those surgeries for you to make sure you are around for many more years to come.
We love you boys!
Ahhhhhhhh ... swoon!
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Somethingaboutme
If you shit on my carpet one more time don't be surprised when I run you over or have you put down!
I certainly hope you are just trying to be funny (BTW, its not!!) and arent serious!! I really hate when anyone would mistreat a pet no matter what they did.
Flirtatiously Fluttering
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Quote by Dudealicious
To my two French Bulldogs I will say this:
Boys you both fart a lot, when it comes out of you don't look all innocent and look at the other. It was YOU that let it go, they are audible and we know it came from you.
Please try not to snore as much as you do, it wakes us up almost everynight.
You can eat over your bowl you know!
Keep that silly love affair for ice cubes, it's hilarious to see you chase them around the floor.
We love it when you get all excited when we come home. You make it very easy to forget about work and "life" in general - don't ever stop!
You are both dearly loved - please don't ever forget that.
Dude
Please stop being so head shy, people want to pet you. At times you are like a cat, only doing things on your terms.
Be a little more assertive, stop letting your little brother push you around.
You have been more than understanding when we brought your brother into the house. Afterall we got him for you.
Outside of that, please don't change a thing. You are perfect.
Turtle
This year is the year buddy, you are going to learn how to skateboard!
Please stop pooping on the patio, the grass won't bite you!
You don't have to corrall ALL of t he balls in the house and protect them. Give your brother one every now and again would ya?
We are so lucky to have you in our life, you are one special little puppy and we have had all of those surgeries for you to make sure you are around for many more years to come.
We love you boys!
this was the sweetest thing I read today...thank you for sharing this and thank you for being you
Head Nurse
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I have started to post here many times but each time I start to post I realize they already understand everything I wish to share with them.
The boys enjoying their pineapple:
The boys enjoying their pineapple:
Internet Philosopher
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Oh.they understand. It is we who are left in the dark
Active Ink Slinger
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1) When I look at you and go, 'kitsy kitsy' what I would like is for you to come and let me pet&stroke you.
2) If you don't finish your food in your bowl don't expect me to put more in there.
3) if you on my lap and I start to stand up, DO NOT sink your claws in to hang on .... GET THE FUCK OFF!!
4) Try slow down when you do eat, you won't throw up (on the washed clothes) half as much.
5) I know you love me, all the birds, mice, lizards, snakes or prehistoric bugs you bring me isn't going to make me love you more.
6) You are a cat, not a human, you can sleep anywhere, please stop crawling under the devet and offloading all your flees.
7) You are more important to my life than you know, please don't push me, circumstances change.
8) When you are sunbathing in the driveway and I'm driving in/out, ... MOVE!!!!
9) When you climb onto the roof then Meow for an hour, I put the music louder so I can't hear you ... YOU A FUCKEN CAT, GET YOURSELF DOWN!
10) if I catch you stealing my biltong one more time, I'm gonna sell you to buy more.
2) If you don't finish your food in your bowl don't expect me to put more in there.
3) if you on my lap and I start to stand up, DO NOT sink your claws in to hang on .... GET THE FUCK OFF!!
4) Try slow down when you do eat, you won't throw up (on the washed clothes) half as much.
5) I know you love me, all the birds, mice, lizards, snakes or prehistoric bugs you bring me isn't going to make me love you more.
6) You are a cat, not a human, you can sleep anywhere, please stop crawling under the devet and offloading all your flees.
7) You are more important to my life than you know, please don't push me, circumstances change.
8) When you are sunbathing in the driveway and I'm driving in/out, ... MOVE!!!!
9) When you climb onto the roof then Meow for an hour, I put the music louder so I can't hear you ... YOU A FUCKEN CAT, GET YOURSELF DOWN!
10) if I catch you stealing my biltong one more time, I'm gonna sell you to buy more.
Lurker
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My dogs all understand me, they just have selective hearing
Active Ink Slinger
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To my girl cat: WHY do you pee all over my husband's army gear, but not mine? Do you really hate him that much?
To my boy cat: Thank you for being the most affectionate pet I've ever owned, who follows me from room to room, even the bathroom... but why do you love to trip me on the way up or down the stairs?
To both cats: So... you can understand and speak English...but this is just for the next 5 minutes, right? Because if you're going to be talking to EVERYBODY about me, this could get awkward.
To my boy cat: Thank you for being the most affectionate pet I've ever owned, who follows me from room to room, even the bathroom... but why do you love to trip me on the way up or down the stairs?
To both cats: So... you can understand and speak English...but this is just for the next 5 minutes, right? Because if you're going to be talking to EVERYBODY about me, this could get awkward.
Lurker
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To my dog and fatcat: you have your own food. Stop bugging me while I'm cooking!
To my other cat: go out and get laid you horny fucking cat!
To my dog: with your accute sense of smell peoples asses can't smell that good. Why do it?
To my other cat: go out and get laid you horny fucking cat!
To my dog: with your accute sense of smell peoples asses can't smell that good. Why do it?
Active Ink Slinger
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If we go outside for 20 minutes for you to sniff around and then as soon as we get in the house, you shit on more time. I will put you down myself.
If you can't fuck yourself ... who can you fuck?
Lurker
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I would tell them to learn German!
Wise Ass
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Quote by nellieneska
If we go outside for 20 minutes for you to sniff around and then as soon as we get in the house, you shit on more time. I will put you down myself.
If you are even an ounce serious about this, you don't deserve (or should have the right) to have a dog.
The night that changed my life, a four part series of a married man lusting after his co-worker
[URL=http://www.lushstories.com/stories/reluctance/the-night-that-changed-my-life-1.aspx][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/WPPsy.jpg[/IMG][/URL]
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Lurker
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please stop moving your food bowl
Lurker
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Wow, we really have some animal lovers around here...
Wonder what their pets would say, better would they stay?
I talk to my cat all day, she understands, she even talks back, more interesting would be if I get that subtitled for 5 minutes, although I can guess where that is going lol!
Wonder what their pets would say, better would they stay?I talk to my cat all day, she understands, she even talks back, more interesting would be if I get that subtitled for 5 minutes, although I can guess where that is going lol!
Active Ink Slinger
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"I know you think it's important, but you do not need to alert us to anything that moves within 20 yards of the property line. We hear the doorbell just fine - we don't need your help with that either."
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Active Ink Slinger
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Ich würde sagen, guter Junge, ich liebe dich!
Active Ink Slinger
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I would say, good boy, I love you!
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by WeretigerIch würde sagen, guter Junge, ich liebe dich!
I would tell them to learn German!
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
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If my dog knew English? I'd put her to work editing and proofreading my stories...of course...
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