Describe your worst, lamest or funniest sexual experience! Can be anything that would fit under horrible, lame or funny.
I will pick my worst blow jobs received. It was from my first gf that I got sexual with, it was in middle school. She sucked my dick and acted like it was made out of glass or something as I could barely feel anything. I think she was afraid to break it. Her lips barely pushed down on it and actually sometimes tickled because the pressure was so light. She also didn't use any tongue.
It was like she was trying to blow smoke rings with my dick.
In order to know virtue, you must first become acquainted with vice.
- Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade
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En vis mann slår aldri en hund i klubben med en stokk, fordi hunden vil vende rundt og biter mannens ballene av. I met this guy at a really strange hour after we spoke on the phone for a long time. He said we should be spontaneous so I went. (For the record, I would have refused such an offer today). It was cold so he told me to come into his van to keep warm. I did. Then after we talked awhile, he started opening my blouse. I closed it. He opened it again. I closed it again. Eventually, I let him touch my breasts for a minute because he clearly wasn't giving up. Then, he put my hand on his pants over his crotch. I moved it away. He put it back... yes, same as with breasts, he wasn't giving up. Then, he took out his cock, which frankly I had no interest in seeing. He started stroking it and then he begged, and I do mean BEGGGGGGGED me to put my mouth over it for a minute. I was on the naive side then and I just wanted to be done so I sucked it a touch and in my entire life, I have never seen a guy have a more intense orgasm. He came in my mouth, shaking like a leaf. Finally, he took me home. He asked me out again and for some reason (lol) I refused. Not my proudest "date".
Oops, I almost forgot. We chatted online from time-to-time afterwards (he knew I wouldn't meet him again) and eventually he got a girlfriend. Then one day out of the blue, he called me and asked if I could teach his gf how to give a great bj. He actually offered me money to do so. I refused but if I had accepted, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when he asked his gf if an ex lover could teach her how to give a good one. lol
Worst would have to be the first time I experienced anal. He was pretty large and I'd had NO experience at all in any way with it. He apparently didn't know what he was doing, because once he finally got it in, it hurt the entire time. Second time (with someone else) was so much better, thank goodness.
My worst was my first blowjob. She didn't know what she was doing, and I didn't know how to tell her what she was doing wrong. She was all teeth, and was using her hand like my cock was a poisonous snake that had to be strangled to death. I ended up getting rubbed raw, literally - my cock was chafed and raw from base to tip. I didn't cum, and I ended up asking myself, "Geez, is THIS what the fuss is all about?"
My next girlfriend really knew what she was doing, and loved doing it, too. She more than made up for what I missed the first time...
When I was 22 years old, I had a one night stand with a divorced lady who was 45. When you are 22 years old, a person of that age seems so much older, and at that age, I had never seen a woman having a full-on, chest-clutching, groaning orgasm. At a certain point in the proceedings, she asked me how I was going, and then said, "Because I'm about to go off like a box of crackers". Then, she threw her head back and clutched her chest, and started to gasp and groan, and for the briefest of sickening moments, I thought she was having a heart attack, until I realised she was having a massive orgasm. I felt kind of stupid after that.
BTW, next morning, after an encore performance, we were lying in her bed talking, and she told me her daughter's name, and I realised I had been in the same class as her in 3rd class.
I thought it was funny but some might put in the Lame category.
I've enjoyed so many 'worst moments' over the course of my life, a few will make it into the stories - humor, area. This particular one was awkward and I did not allow it to become a worst.
A few years ago, I briefly dated a woman in her mid-30's who was stone deaf from birth. As a result her speech was difficult to understand as well. I didn't know ASL and didn't learn it in the two weeks we saw one another.
We'd hooked up a few times, the sex was very passionate, sensual and considerate.
One day out of the blue, she was feeling horny and it would be a few days before we were to see one another again...she called me up.
Phone calls from her were facilitated through a third party. She'd initiate the call, and from a keyboard, she'd type what she wanted to say and an operator would read it to me, then I'd respond - and that's how that goes.
Beverly wanted to have phone sex.
Where she worked, she didn't have access to a chat program nor a webcam - nor did she necessarily have the privacy necessary to engage in webcam chat with a lover, anyway.
But I wasn't going down that street with a third party, reading me her emotes and typing to her my utterances.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
For me the lamest would have to have been sex with my ex. We hadn't seen each for 6 months and I had only ever had sex once before so after all that time of waiting I wanted to really have a good session. I travelled 5 hours to see him, we rented a hotel room and got there at about 3am after getting drunk at a friends house.
Now i assumed he wanted as good a session as I did after all that time and you would've assumed that he wouldve cracked one off that morning so that he could last longer than 5 seconds. He didnt. Literally 5 seconds, maybe not even that. Well that was worth travelling 5 hours for!
My wife and I went to a Christmas party that the company I worked for was having. After the dinner the open bar consisted of three drinks each. My buddies and I kept drinking, me having to be drove home by my wife. When we got home, I was horny and wanted to make love. I was feeling kind of sick from too much to drink but thought that would pass. I went down on her and that sick feeling just kept getting worse. I knew she would be mad if she knew I had drunk enough to make me sick, so I just kept fighting through that feeling. It didn't work and I knew I was going to be sick, I remembered the trash can by my side of the bed and lunged for it just in time. She jumped up, I just knew she must be pissed, and ran into the bathroom. I cleaned myself up in the kitchen and went back to bed, she was still in the bathroom. I just knew the storm was brewing, and like any good husband should do, just lay back down and waited for her to come back and start in on me. She came out, and lay beside me for awhile, the longer she didn't speak the worse I knew it would be. Just when I really thought I should say something, I heard her softly call my name. I said yes honey, and she softly asked if her smell was really that bad. Here was the moment of truth, tell her the truth and have her mad at me, or tell a little white lie and although dishonest help me selfishly get through the night without her being mad. I softly told her, yes honey, but don't worry I'll be alright.
Majority of us are adults here man, you are allowed to say "fuck" hehe
That's why I posted it, it was fucked up.
and by the way, thought your girlfriend farting bubbles was damned funny
Lmao, harsh. I would have just told her I drank too much, who cares, it happens to everyone, sometimes often lol.
In order to know virtue, you must first become acquainted with vice.
- Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade
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En vis mann slår aldri en hund i klubben med en stokk, fordi hunden vil vende rundt og biter mannens ballene av. Yes, I was in the wrong, sorry.
By the way, could the women here tell me what makes a woman want to suddenly quit making love to her husband? I just can't understand it.
Maybe cos you tell her she smells and freak her out with chainsaws?
She hasn't called a lawyer yet has she?
Not yet, but she did hide the saw for a long time.
My boyfriend and I are in the middle of it all everything is good...
For some reason he start to think about movies and say:
"Luke, I'm your father."
I get out of there very fast...
he likes to bring it up as fun.. I still get angry bout it. :P
A former bf...
I had dated this guy for a while and one (hot summer) night I took the lead and asked him upstairs for sex and he said
"let's get it over with then" (and undressed himself) wow talk about a passion killer.
How could I say no looking at a naked man (so I thought lets hope it gets better)
For starters his manhood was big and very wide, then he pounded me so hard my head hit my wall ouch! no surprise there wasn't any eye contact as well.
Then after quite a while I thought this guy is never gonna come, he was sweating over my face. His body was dripping with sweat and after a while he said "its to hot to carry on".
oh my dented and embarassed pride. He left to go home, he made some lame joke about sex being good exercise. I couldn't believe how bad it was. I don't see him anymore now. I just hope he has improved ha ha.
Easy on my 21st birthday my buddies took me to Vegas thy went ALL out on me. Free drinks, free food the works. Well they got me a "Pro" as a final gift it was for 90 min, we lasted more than that, but......... it was some chit chat some fore play and so on. When it got time to do the deed, my partner in crime could not preform. We tried "EVERYTHING" and he just laid there flacid and very very unresposnsive. Lets just say she did not charge them for the "Overtime" and said it was a wonderful but very wonderful evening. Ofcourse to this day my buddies think we went at it all night, but what they don't know wont hurt them.
