In my life, I talk to lots of men who have this situation, and I know that it happens to women too, but I just don't come into contact with nearly as many women, so I don't hear about it as much.
The situation is- you meet your partner, and you move in together- maybe you get married, maybe not- but either way, once things are set and you settle in as a couple, your partner lets themselves go. They gain lots of weight, they don't care about their appearance any more, and almost every time, their desire to have sex drops way down too.
I have met so many men who are in sexless relationships with wives that don't give a damn about how they look anymore, and they are unhappy and don't seem to want to do much to change. They talk to them, and it's like pushing string. So many stories are the same. Not that the guys always have super-toned bodies either, but they look for release because there is a difference in outlook. They want something in their partner that they don't have anymore, both in looks and in the things those looks affect inside them.
So my question is for both men and women- what if this happened to you? Maybe you don't care what he/she looks like, and maybe you're okay with not having sex anymore if that happens too, but focusing on the appearance:
Do you take it as a sign that they have given up? Do they think they hooked you for life so it doesn't matter anymore?
Does it show a lack of respect toward you when they let their bodies and dress and appearance get so out of whack and then don't prioritize fixing it?
Do you feel like you are stuck with a partner that you didn't marry- like false advertising?
How do you handle it?
Very good question LadyX, a difficult one to answer too judging by the lack of replies so far!
Personally, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't take care of themselves, how does that reflect on how they are likely to look after me long term (not that I need looking after)?
Of course everyone gets older and worn around the edges, but deliberately letting themselves go is another matter entirely.
Shape up or ship out I say!
seems like there has been a series these topics lately... does height matter? does size matter? too fat.. too short... too bald... too religious.. too broke.. too outta shape.. and all it boils down to dividing everyone into two groups... those who will be fucked.. and those who won't.... seems simple doesn't it.... never is though....
I think that a good predictor of the future is how the person takes care of themselves in the present. That means not looking at what they visually look like to you when you first meet them, but understanding their habits and orders of priority. The key here is someone who values a healthy lifestyle and a responsible outlook on what it takes to achieve this.
I have lots of female friends that look hot and get a lot of attention. They starve themselves down, avoid carbs so they can drink at night, subsist on salad with a wedge of lemon on the side, and pop hydoxycut and weight loss pills like candies. Sure they look great now, but how long can this person go on with this lifestyle. Look at the women who champion themselves on to lose 20 lbs to fit into a wedding dress and the day after the wedding, they heave a sigh of relief and kick back with the chocolate cake.
The point is, anyone can "look good" temporarily or to "hook a mate" as I've often suspected. Typically a woman takes the best care of herself when she is single because she wants to look good to draw in attention and find a man. But when she has the man, the effort often decreases because hey, she's already landed him. Now she can be who she really is. After all, how many women can happily subsist indefinitely on a diet of quinoa, lettuce, and vodka/water/lime or skinny margarita cocktails. This works the same with men. Some men look great and work out as a temporary measure but when they have their "committed partner" they retire to watching football and eating KFC every night.
It's very sad that people don't think enough of their spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend to put that effort in to looking good for THEM during the relationship... versus just worrying about looking good to GET them.
I feel strongly about this subject because I see these situations go to hell all the time. And I also know my own friends who are pumped up on hydroxycut and/or other weight-loss aids, or binging/purging or starving themselves to look good squeezed into a tight dress on the weekends so they can get a guy's attention are NEVER going to be able to maintain this kind of look indefinitely... So the person that meets them as a size 2 is inevitably going to have eyebrows raised when they morph into their "normal" state of being (whatever that happens to be).
I've always had a healthy lifestyle, and my choice of career requires me to look a certain way, so I've always kept myself in check through healthy eating habits and lots of physical activity. It's part of who I am now, not something I'm doing because I feel I have to in order to look a certain way. And I guess I have good genetics on my side, so maybe I sound a little more harsh on this topic. But I just think that people should want to look good for themselves and their mate. But the answer comes from looking at HOW a person maintains themselves and considering whether they have a healthy approach or "crash and quick-fix" approach to looking good. The latter very rarely has any kind of long term durability (in my experience anyway).
If my girl started to gain weight too fast and started developing bad habits I would exercise with her everyday to motivate her. I would help her cook healthy meals and wouldn't eat bad shit in front of her. Getting upset about her weight or criticizing her would probably make her care even less about her appearance. Thank god we don't have this problem but if we ever did, this is what I would do.
I think there is a degree of how far I would let myself go. Im definitely not going to make sure I look my usual best all the time and I certainly want to have lots of lazy Saturdays(no make up-pajamas ect)
But I will always make sure that I keep my body in-shape and that I go out of my way to get all dolled up for him to make sure his attention is solely mine...
I expect the same from him, I don't mind if he picks up a few kg's or looses a bit of muscle, as long as his desire to impress me stays.
I was in a situation similar but also very different when I was married. After my 3rd child was born, I had trouble losing the weight. My ex, who wasnt the most sexual person to start with really didnt have interest in sex much anymore so I realy had no incentive to try hard to get back in shape. Over the next few years, My marriage deteriorated for reasons I wont go into here and I felt trapped, so I had even less motivation. So before I got pregnant with my 3rd child, I was 115lbs and I was now about 160lbs and didnt really care. I had no self esteem, no desire for sex with my husband, even no desire to masturbate.
Well a chain of events led me to joining a gym as a favor to a friend. After a few months she quit but I was addcited and within a year I was back to 115 and in the best shape of my life. My desire for sex was back and so was my self esteem. I changed how I dressed and loved all the attention (not from my ex) I got when I was out. And 12yrs later, I am still 115lbs!!
So I really gave up on myself. I did feel like I was not married to the same guy who swept me off my feet because he changed, not me. I felt sorry for myself. I blamed myself. So girls (and guys too), no matter how bad things get, remember to be true yourself. Maybe he/she doesnt care what you look like, but you should care. You're worth it!!
Nice fishing Lady X...
It shows a great amount of disrespect towards your partner when you let yourself go and do not, at least, attempt to keep yourself attractive / in shape throughout your relationship.
Of course there are many circumstances that are out of your control and require some flexibility on the part of the couple. However, I believe that a two partners that are not attracted to one another sexually and / or emotionally can not maintain a healthy relationship going very long
Granted, the battle with the weight scale is much harder for women then it is for men, and this should be respected. However, some mentioned above that sexual appetite is very important if not crucial.
Self esteem and sexual appetite is directly linked to your life style. People who tend to eat healthy and exercise are prone to have more libido. One important factor in being healthy is not how THIN or OVERWEIGHT someone is but, how balanced meals are and how respectful someone is with their bodies. Hormones, skin tone, hair, teeth are very influenced by what goes into your body and how your body as a biological machine is able to filter the "harmful" agents out.
A couple that does not have the same outlook on life will not be compatible in the long run... no matter how in love and attracted to each other when they first started out together.
ok, honesty time. i love my girl. she stays in shape, she looks good, she's hot. that's not why i love her, but it's part of why i love her and it's her. if that changed... it would mean she's changed. i don't think i'd love her less, but it would bother me, for her sake, knowing she'd be unhappy about it, and for mine. sure, a few extra pounds - notice i said a FEW - wouldn't make me love her any less, but if she put on a lot, if it effected what she could do, what we could do together, how she looked, how she felt about herself? yeah, i'd put my foot down, help her with whatever is going on, and get her back to where we are both happy. she's a beautiful girl, inside and out, and the inside is why i love her, but the outside can be a reflection of what's going on inside, and i am just shallow enough to no want to be with someone who just let's themselves go.
i have always dated good looking men, slept with good looking girls, i am attracted to physical beauty in both sexes. sorry, but that's me. if that makes me shallow, then so be it, i am shallow. doesn't mean i think less of people with those extra pounds - honestly, i feel sympathy for them, and would do anything in my power to help them get themselves back into shape. like i said, i am not talking a few extra pounds, i am talking about people who push the envelope, falling into the obese catagory, or nearing it - it's hard to see past the weight, the health issues, the mindset that lets them get to that state, and it would be frustrating to be with someone who can't do things because of their weight or health or being badly out of shape. plus, it would show they don't care about themselves or their relationship with me.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
When hubby proposed to me, we had a talk a few days later that lasted for about five hours. We discussed many things, including the fact that he's quite a bit older than me. We made a very solemn vow that we would encourage each other in keeping in the best shape possible for the rest of our lives. Not that we're workout freaks or anything, but we both walk regularly, he does a series of situps and pushups every day and I do a basic aerobics routine every day. We also try to eat as healthy as we can, with the understanding that we're never going to be perfect. Do we slip from time to time? Hell, yes, we do! The trick is the support and love of your partner for me. After the baby, I felt horrible, and looked worse. While we had a few sexual issues, he NEVER once let on that I was less than the hottest, most desirable woman alive. When I cried as I looked at my belly and gigantic ass in the mirror, he was there to tell me he loved me unconditionally. He did, and still would if I hadn't gotten myself back in the shape, but the support gave me the attitude of "If he still loves me when I look like THIS, he's gonna be even MORE turned on when I get back to my best!" With that kind of encouragement, it wasn't that hard to motivate myself.
I think it's a part of a great relationship, that your partner makes you want to be at your best. I also think that some of these relationships where things have soured were never all that strong in the first place, and letting themselves go is just one of many problems, chief among them being a lack of communication.
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." - Groucho Marx
Its difficult with just one longterm partner hence the great popularity of this site as an outlet to our hidden desires. We love our partners for more than sex ( I hope we do ) but of course if they look sexy sometimes its a real bonus. My wife is beautiful but she often looks her sexyist when she does not know it. The trappings of sexuality can be a turn off.
.
This is a tricky question. When you love someone, you are in love with them, not the way they look. You love someone for their mind, their personality. You can't just stop loving that because they gain weight or lose their hair.
But here's the other side of it. If the person actually changes mentally, then it may be a different story altogether. For instance, the motivated ambitious many you married suddenly becomes depressed, starts drinking, doesn't want to get out of bed, and doesn't go to work, they have become a different person. Then I can see no longer feeling that connection.
As one of those who "let themselves go" and am now struggling to get back to a reasonable shape, I can tell you, there are many reasons it happens, and it is not always something we have control over. I am partly to blame for not trying harder, but I also had some things happen which were beyond my control. That includes some emotional reasons as well. And my significant other also had a number of issues that affected his looks and other things as well. None of this made us love each other any less. Yes, we both wanted the other to change, and both kind of nagged the other about it, but it did not change our feelings.
what i reaallyyy want to know is......... why think of this as.."doing a favor for the other person"???? why cant one..just do it for their own sake? i need to look good.. stay in shape.. for myself...this should be the mantra....
