Do you think it's cheating?
Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for many years. We have three happy, successful children and a good life together. I love him dearly.
I recently discovered that he had been spending a lot of time in erotic online chat rooms. He had hundreds of contacts he was speaking with regularly for pleasure. It had escalated to the point that he would have “conversations” with them on the phone or watch them on a webcam.
After I caught him, he promised to stop. I caught him again and threatened to leave him. He swore that he had never met any of these people and that he had used a fictitious name. He’s now getting counseling and expects me to get beyond it. I am trying, but I feel betrayed. I feel as though he was unfaithful.
I am sure you have other readers out there who have experienced Internet infidelity. Do you consider it cheating if they never actually physically meet the people they talk to? I have no one to discuss this with and would appreciate some input.
— Just Plain Sad
in Maine
Dear Just Plain Sad: Yes, I do consider it a form of cheating. And it would be in your interest to get to the bottom of why this happened before you “get beyond it.”
You’re feeling sad because you were betrayed. And the fact that you have no one to discuss it with makes me sad. That’s why I’m advising you that you could also benefit from counseling, and I recommend that you seek a referral right away.
http://www.reporternews.com/news/2009/nov/22/no-headline---abby_1122/
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Dear Abby, from a Lushie's wife? LOL
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Matriarch
That's hilarious, we actually had a post about the same thing in here a short while ago.
Active Ink Slinger
Yeah, I think I asked that question. If I remember right it was almost unanimously considered cheating by the respondants at the time.
Active Ink Slinger
That's why I ONLY use a computer with polarized glass, ROT13 cypher, Point2Point closed loop cryptography, in a basement fall out blast room shelter, with lead lined, tin foil draped walls and curtains.
Or at work.
ROFLMFAO
Or at work.
ROFLMFAO
Constant Gardener
That previous conversation must've been before I discovered this joint, so I'll wade into the pool now. As if anyone gives a shit.
Since the advent of internet technologies in my region of the world, and my discovery of chatrooms as well as internet chat...I've only been involved in what I would call a truly monogamous relationship, once - and that for a brief period of just slightly less than a year's duration.
During that time-frame, I engaged in chat sessions with any number of possible females. Exact memory escapes me now, but I'm pretty certain that some discussion of sex did arise on numerous occasions, as it's a popular topic and I certainly wouldn't shy away from it.
I do know that at no time during that real relationship with my partner, did I ever attempt to arrange an actual meeting with an internet acquaintance for the sole purpose of 'hey, let's fuck'.
That would be cheating, in my book. I realize that my morality is a lot more open than some people's. What is normal for me is not for other people and what may well make me twinge or recoil - would be perfectly acceptable behavior for others. I've lived in a glass house all my adult life, so I try not to have any stones lying about with which to pitch. I don't always do a real good job of that.
Like Jimmy Carter, a former President of the United States, I do lust for women - nearly constantly. Unlike President Carter, I don't feel a twinge of guilt for doing so. Unlike President Clinton, I've never cheated on someone I've agreed to not cheat upon.
I would feel like a shitheel if I actually acted upon such lust and physically engaged in a sexual fling with someone else, while I was supposedly involved in an agreed upon one-on-one partnership with another woman - who I felt or thought, was holding up her end of our bargain.
But again, that's just me.
Since the advent of internet technologies in my region of the world, and my discovery of chatrooms as well as internet chat...I've only been involved in what I would call a truly monogamous relationship, once - and that for a brief period of just slightly less than a year's duration.
During that time-frame, I engaged in chat sessions with any number of possible females. Exact memory escapes me now, but I'm pretty certain that some discussion of sex did arise on numerous occasions, as it's a popular topic and I certainly wouldn't shy away from it.
I do know that at no time during that real relationship with my partner, did I ever attempt to arrange an actual meeting with an internet acquaintance for the sole purpose of 'hey, let's fuck'.
That would be cheating, in my book. I realize that my morality is a lot more open than some people's. What is normal for me is not for other people and what may well make me twinge or recoil - would be perfectly acceptable behavior for others. I've lived in a glass house all my adult life, so I try not to have any stones lying about with which to pitch. I don't always do a real good job of that.
Like Jimmy Carter, a former President of the United States, I do lust for women - nearly constantly. Unlike President Carter, I don't feel a twinge of guilt for doing so. Unlike President Clinton, I've never cheated on someone I've agreed to not cheat upon.
I would feel like a shitheel if I actually acted upon such lust and physically engaged in a sexual fling with someone else, while I was supposedly involved in an agreed upon one-on-one partnership with another woman - who I felt or thought, was holding up her end of our bargain.
But again, that's just me.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Matriarch
You're a good man Wmm.
Matriarch
You talk a lot of sense Wmm.
It can be harmless fun, but so often leads to something else.
It can be harmless fun, but so often leads to something else.
Active Ink Slinger
A lot of it has to do with what you're choosing to share or to withhold from your partner. If, in your relationship, you know that one of the other of you likes to chat and flirt with folks, whether it be your co-workers or somebody you met online, and you're open and honest about it, it can be OK, as long as that's what you both feel is acceptable.
Some relationships have stricter rules than other. Those rules are made by one or both of the partners.
If, on the other hand, you keep secrets from your mate, then that is unacceptable. That is when it becomes infidelity, or, literally, un-faithful to your promises, either expressed or implied.
Some relationships have stricter rules than other. Those rules are made by one or both of the partners.
If, on the other hand, you keep secrets from your mate, then that is unacceptable. That is when it becomes infidelity, or, literally, un-faithful to your promises, either expressed or implied.
Constant Gardener
Quote by chefkathleen
So when you're in a one on one and agree not to cheat on each other, is it cheating to have cyber sex with another?
At some level of the cheating hierarchy, I imagine it would be considered cheating - by some people, Kath - not by me at the level I was engaged in at the time.
To me, cyber-sex is no more a form of cheating on your partner, than it is to masturbate in private, while thinking of fucking someone else.
To me, masturbating and shooting a load of viable sperm all over the floor/carpet/shower basin/catch towel...isn't a sin.
Sharing those secrets about your lover to someone else, during a chat session - is, to me...more of a 'cheat' (against your monogamous partner) than it is to trade words, thoughts, desires and even images (which don't concern your partner - with a stranger)... * I did not word that well at first.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Constant Gardener
Quote by nicola
You talk a lot of sense Wmm.
It can be harmless fun, but so often leads to something else.
You know, Nic...I've a good many female friends too. Friends, who happen to own a functional vagina and are extremely attractive women. Some of them I've even looked at on occasion and thought to myself...
"Man, she looks fun"
But I've never flirted with them, nor they towards me. And...my other friends, male and female alike - cannot fathom such a relationship.
"There's no way you could be 'just friends' with her...you must be fucking!"
Sometimes it's better to just smile than to argue.
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by WellMadeMale
To me, cyber-sex is no more a form of cheating on your partner, than it is to masturbate in private, while thinking of fucking someone else.
To me, masturbating and shooting a load of viable sperm all over the floor/carpet/shower basin/catch towel...isn't a sin.
I agree with that 100%. Masturbation is all about fantasy and that is what cyber does for some people I guess. Whether it is considered cheating or not is whether they take it to the next level. That's my opinion.
Active Ink Slinger
I don't think anyone in Lush has a problem with the cyber chatting/buddy (or even sex) aspect of this debate. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out, it is all about perspectives and there are plenty of those around.
For instance, I am old enough experienced enough to remember a blazing row I had with an ex- many years ago when she found copies of 'Penthouse' magazine in my bedroom. We weren't even living together and her reaction was tantamount to accusing me of having a multitude of affairs, not loving her, etc, etc when all she had to do was ask the 'why' question. Soon ditched her narrowed butt and then told my flat mate not to leave his porn lying around again.
For instance, I am old enough experienced enough to remember a blazing row I had with an ex- many years ago when she found copies of 'Penthouse' magazine in my bedroom. We weren't even living together and her reaction was tantamount to accusing me of having a multitude of affairs, not loving her, etc, etc when all she had to do was ask the 'why' question. Soon ditched her narrowed butt and then told my flat mate not to leave his porn lying around again.
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw