STD Concerns when it comes to the number of partners

4 Dec 2010

I toyed with putting this under "the number" thread in relationship advice, but decided to create a new one instead of resurrect that old one.

I have had more partners than the most people my age, and probably a lot of people twenty years older than me. I tend to not share that number, and am not even sure I know the exact figure. However, when asked, I answer honestly with an approximate figure.

I have become involved with a man who will not fuck me. A large part being that I have had as many partners as he has had by the age of 19 (he's 38.) He says it's due to his fear that I have an STD, yet he has had chlamydia five times.

There is another man who I had a bit of a play session with. He did not want sex either, because he thinks I may have an STD due to the number of partners I have had.

I have only had unprotected sex with men I have been in ltr with, and have checks regularly. I also don't want to have unprotected sex with these men.

I am so offended by this, and am not sure whether or not I should lie in the future. Looking back at the "The Number" thread most people weren't concerned about their partner's "number," and STD concerns were rarely mentioned.

So am I being unfair to be so offended? Or is this generally something that crosses your mind when becoming involved with a new partner?

4 Dec 2010

I think they were right to be cautious, as anyone would be if their partner had a high number, wouldnt you be? Mind you, i can see where you're coming from being offended but they have a right to know.

4 Dec 2010

Something that puzzles me and it kind of doesn't even have to do with your question but, how does the topic come up of how many people you've slept with?

4 Dec 2010

So am I being unfair to be so offended? Or is this generally something that crosses your mind when becoming involved with a new partner?

You know, it's funny how life has changed over the last 40 years.

It's so not funny how it's still acceptable for a man to have fucked 100 chicks, but not acceptable for a woman to have had the same number of flings/rolls in the hay/whatever you want to call it.

I have been so offended by men who I have dated (once!) that think that I should be the one to carry a condom, or offended if I ask them to use one. (You don't use? Really? Fuck off and go use your hand!) I have been very offended by a few men who have said after I have informed them that I am negative in tests that they have NEVER even gone to be tested. Really??? (as I run for home)

It puts me right off of trying to find a man to share my life, in any way, with.

So ... you should always protect yourself, as no one else will, apparently.

I hope for Christmas, my friends buy me stocks in the EverReady Battery Company, or Duracell Battery Company!

Van

EDIT - oh ... and it is surprising how many of our stories on here DO NOT USE protective sex ....

4 Dec 2010

Quote by chefkathleen
Something that puzzles me and it kind of doesn't even have to do with your question but, how does the topic come up of how many people you've slept with?

I don't know if it's a generational thing or not. But it's pretty common for people to ask about past partners. For me it's a real turn on really to learn a girls sexual past. I guess some of the younger generations dont find this rude.

It's good to be cautious... Herpes is for life, as a wise man once said.

4 Dec 2010

People should really have two numbers... 1) the number of sex partners one has had, and 2) the number of unprotected sex partners one has had. The latter number is the one to be more concerned with.

But as Chef said... I can't really see this question coming up unless you were thinking of having unprotected sex with someone, and then you wanted to share histories, testing, and maybe numbers if you wanted to go that route. I still think numbers can be misleading (and highly inaccurate depending on who you are dealing with).

4 Dec 2010

Being up front, in the interest of honesty, about your sexual experiences is only asking for negative repercussions- I found that out the hard way. If it's important to tell somebody, just be prepared to spoil whatever you have by doing so. If they insisted on knowing, they are a poor fit for you since that's how they insist on judging you up front. As for this guy, if he's not satisfied by an STD test plus your assurances, kick him to the curb. It's not even worth worrying about how justified you are in your anger.

4 Dec 2010

Quote by LadyX
Being up front, in the interest of honesty, about your sexual experiences is only asking for negative repercussions- I found that out the hard way. If it's important to tell somebody, just be prepared to spoil whatever you have by doing so. If they insisted on knowing, they are a poor fit for you since that's how they insist on judging you up front. As for this guy, if he's not satisfied by an STD test plus your assurances, kick him to the curb. It's not even worth worrying about how justified you are in your anger.

That's a little unfair... Just because a guy asks doesn't mean he'll judge you.. A lot of guys are effin stupid, I'll give you that but to me it's actually a very mature conversation to have with the right person of course. Some people will freak but fuck em. Means they couldn't handle you to begin with.

4 Dec 2010

Quote by Magical_felix
Quote by LadyX
Being up front, in the interest of honesty, about your sexual experiences is only asking for negative repercussions- I found that out the hard way. If it's important to tell somebody, just be prepared to spoil whatever you have by doing so. If they insisted on knowing, they are a poor fit for you since that's how they insist on judging you up front. As for this guy, if he's not satisfied by an STD test plus your assurances, kick him to the curb. It's not even worth worrying about how justified you are in your anger.

That's a little unfair... Just because a guy asks doesn't mean he'll judge you.. A lot of guys are effin stupid, I'll give you that but to me it's actually a very mature conversation to have with the right person of course. Some people will freak but fuck em. Means they couldn't handle you to begin with.

That's my entire point, Jack. If they freak, fuck'em, let them go.

If they insist on asking early on, thats a red flag, fair or not. Otherwise, we're saying the same thing. Their reaction tells the whole story, regardless of how it comes up.

4 Dec 2010

Quote by LadyX
Quote by Magical_felix
Quote by LadyX
Being up front, in the interest of honesty, about your sexual experiences is only asking for negative repercussions- I found that out the hard way. If it's important to tell somebody, just be prepared to spoil whatever you have by doing so. If they insisted on knowing, they are a poor fit for you since that's how they insist on judging you up front. As for this guy, if he's not satisfied by an STD test plus your assurances, kick him to the curb. It's not even worth worrying about how justified you are in your anger.

That's a little unfair... Just because a guy asks doesn't mean he'll judge you.. A lot of guys are effin stupid, I'll give you that but to me it's actually a very mature conversation to have with the right person of course. Some people will freak but fuck em. Means they couldn't handle you to begin with.

That's my entire point, Jack. If they insist on asking early on, thats a red flag. Otherwise, we're saying the same thing. Their reaction tells the whole story, regardless of how it comes up.

So I like to be redundant, forgive me it's about to me Saturday night and were getting sauced early laughing6

I reread my post and I kinda contradict myself... smile

4 Dec 2010

Quote by rxtales

I am so offended by this, and am not sure whether or not I should lie in the future. Looking back at the "The Number" thread most people weren't concerned about their partner's "number," and STD concerns were rarely mentioned.

So am I being unfair to be so offended? Or is this generally something that crosses your mind when becoming involved with a new partner?

Rather than lie about the number, I would suggest just saying that you'd rather not discuss it at the moment. I don't think I've told anyone my "number" early on in our relationship. I think it's a very intimate piece of information that I would only share with someone after I've connected with him a bit.

If a guy has slept around a lot, then I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him. But I would still have sex with a condom. However, I'd be more worried about oral sex because that's where most people don't use protection. I am also very cautious with kissing because you can get the herpes virus like that too (in fact, there have been several guys whom I fucked but would not kiss). Sex with a condom is pretty safe, so I'm not sure why these guys are having these issues. Maybe they're just uninformed.

5 Dec 2010

Quote by chefkathleen
Something that puzzles me and it kind of doesn't even have to do with your question but, how does the topic come up of how many people you've slept with?

I am surprised by how much it comes up. I really don't care, and usually don't want to know. I think it comes up a lot, because they want to hear my dirty past. One of the men I was talking about above wanted to know because he says he needed to know intimate details before having sex with me

5 Dec 2010

Quote by VanGogh

EDIT - oh ... and it is surprising how many of our stories on here DO NOT USE protective sex ....

Let me put it this way. My assumption is that the majority of the details in the stories here pertain to fantasy land, and that includes penis size, quantity in terms of volume of ejaculate, (no, you could not have blown a quart of liter of spunk), how wet women purportedly become (side note, sometimes I think writers assume we women are incontinent, from the descriptions of the wetness that flows or stains panties / trousers / back of dresses and skirts / upholstery etc), number of and intensity of orgasms, and so on.

So far as unprotected sex in the stories is concerned, that is as much a fantasy to me as the above mentioned exagerated details, and it doesn't bother me all that much.

What does bother me more, and I skim over it very quickly, is anal to vaginal contact without removal of or even use of a condom or washing up beforehand. I think many people are aware of the imperative need to practice safe sex and will indulge in an erotic story fantasy that doesn't require it, but many people (men) are not aware of the dangers involved in anal to vaginal contact and probably do want to engage in it, without practising the hygiene that is essential in preventing urinary tract infections due to fecal matter being introduced to the urethra. That goes for men as well as women, as men can also get UTIs from unprotected anal sex, and they are often far more difficult to treat in men than they are in women.

5 Dec 2010

Quote by gypsymoth
Quote by VanGogh

EDIT - oh ... and it is surprising how many of our stories on here DO NOT USE protective sex ....

Let me put it this way. My assumption is that the majority of the details in the stories here pertain to fantasy land, and that includes penis size, quantity in terms of volume of ejaculate, (no, you could not have blown a quart of liter of spunk), how wet women purportedly become (side note, sometimes I think writers assume we women are incontinent, from the descriptions of the wetness that flows or stains panties / trousers / back of dresses and skirts / upholstery etc), number of and intensity of orgasms, and so on.

So far as unprotected sex in the stories is concerned, that is as much a fantasy to me as the above mentioned exagerated details, and it doesn't bother me all that much.

What does bother me more, and I skim over it very quickly, is anal to vaginal contact without removal of or even use of a condom or washing up beforehand. I think many people are aware of the imperative need to practice safe sex and will indulge in an erotic story fantasy that doesn't require it, but many people (men) are not aware of the dangers involved in anal to vaginal contact and probably do want to engage in it, without practising the hygiene that is essential in preventing urinary tract infections due to fecal matter being introduced to the urethra. That goes for men as well as women, as men can also get UTIs from unprotected anal sex, and they are often far more difficult to treat in men than they are in women.

Very correct Gypsy - the stories are somewhat fantasy. I have though, often wondered, if a writer leaves the condom part out because it is too cumbersome like in real life or what. You know, a reflection of what the writer thinks in real life. After one story I wrote, I started leaving out the condoms .... but now this has got me thinking as a writer: Art reflects Life.

Such a huge question .... we all need to be safe and smart.

Van

5 Dec 2010

Quote by VanGogh
Quote by gypsymoth
Quote by VanGogh

EDIT - oh ... and it is surprising how many of our stories on here DO NOT USE protective sex ....

Let me put it this way. My assumption is that the majority of the details in the stories here pertain to fantasy land, and that includes penis size, quantity in terms of volume of ejaculate, (no, you could not have blown a quart of liter of spunk), how wet women purportedly become (side note, sometimes I think writers assume we women are incontinent, from the descriptions of the wetness that flows or stains panties / trousers / back of dresses and skirts / upholstery etc), number of and intensity of orgasms, and so on.

So far as unprotected sex in the stories is concerned, that is as much a fantasy to me as the above mentioned exagerated details, and it doesn't bother me all that much.

What does bother me more, and I skim over it very quickly, is anal to vaginal contact without removal of or even use of a condom or washing up beforehand. I think many people are aware of the imperative need to practice safe sex and will indulge in an erotic story fantasy that doesn't require it, but many people (men) are not aware of the dangers involved in anal to vaginal contact and probably do want to engage in it, without practising the hygiene that is essential in preventing urinary tract infections due to fecal matter being introduced to the urethra. That goes for men as well as women, as men can also get UTIs from unprotected anal sex, and they are often far more difficult to treat in men than they are in women.

Very correct Gypsy - the stories are somewhat fantasy. I have though, often wondered, if a writer leaves the condom part out because it is too cumbersome like in real life or what. You know, a reflection of what the writer thinks in real life. After one story I wrote, I started leaving out the condoms .... but now this has got me thinking as a writer: Art reflects Life.

Such a huge question .... we all need to be safe and smart.

Van

Van, the short answer is, condoms are a necessary nuisance in RL, so WTF, live it up in fantasy land. It doesn't bother me one bit when I read stories where safe sex isn't being put into practise, but I jump and shoot my mouth off if it is a real life question on a public forum.

Having read a great many stories here, and checked out the profile pages of a lot of writers, my overall impression is that they are very much aware of the need for safe sex in RL, and it's one of the reasons they enjoy letting loose in their stories and just not bothering with it. Some of them have stated as much, saying they practise it conscientiously in RL, and that is the reason it goes by the wayside in fiction.

However I'm not going to say don't practice and encourage safe sex in your writing, or anyone elses.

Art sometimes reflects life. Art is also an escape from life and its responsibilities.

5 Dec 2010

Quote by rxtales
So am I being unfair to be so offended? Or is this generally something that crosses your mind when becoming involved with a new partner?

I don't think you're being unfair. If he trusts you enough to believe the number you give him, why doesn't he trust you enough to believe you when you say you've been tested and don't have any STDs?

And what difference does it make to him? You could have had fifty partners in the past or you could have slept with one person who'd previously had fifty partners. Either way, if you're practising safe sex with your new partner, it shouldn't make a difference.

5 Dec 2010

The majority of porn films being produced don't involve condoms because it ruins the fantasy.

If viewers of porn don't want to see condoms used, then I imagine readers of sex stories don't really want to read about them being used either. I'm also guessing that when people have random masturbatory fantasies on their own, condoms probably don't typically factor in either.

It's all part of the fantasy in my opinion. I think most people know that condoms should be used when having sex in real life with random strangers.

5 Dec 2010

I think something has to be wrong with these two men that don't want to have sex with you. When first meeting someone I can understand the apprehension which leads to the inquiry. That works both ways. It sound to me as if these two guys are a hell of lot bigger risk for you than you are to them. You give them a clean "bill of health" & they still are not "interested".......Wtf? There may not be a woman alive that could pour any p.... on these two. Their loss ...your gain I say.

6 Dec 2010

Personally I will not have sex with a man unless he wears a condom. Maybe if we are in a relationship and I built up trust but even then you still never know. I preach to my daughters to always be safe so it would be hypocritical to not follow my own warnings.

But back to the original post, I think you have a right to be offended but also he has a right to be concerned. We are not talking about getting a shot of penicilen and your fine, we are talking life and death!! No sex is worth that risk, no matter what!!

As for safe sex in stories, I agree that the stories are supposed to be fantasy and using a condom would hurt the fantasy, JMO!

Someone mentioned that the majority of porn movies dont use condoms. It seemed a like a few years ago they did but got away from it. I also believe all the performers get checked weekly or something like that. But I think that most Anal scenes seem to use condoms. I have never seen a Gay Porno but does anyone know if they use condoms? Just curious.

14 Dec 2010

Very scary! I usually insist on their using condoms but I must admit, there have been plenty of times when I have been too drunk, too horny, or asleep when they started, where I have had unprotected sex. I'm on the pill of course but STDs are a genuine concern when I consider how many men have cum inside me. No I'm not saying the figure! LOL

15 Dec 2010

Without a question the more sexual partners you have the greater the potential risk. Certainly I have recommended to my daughters that they use condoms with every man they are with. Until the have a committed and mongamous relationship.

Do I always follow my own suggestion, not always, but it is a still prudent practice. Since I do not always practice what I preach, I am tested regularly.

If the guy I am seeing not tested, things will not last long.

20 Dec 2010

Quote by WHR43
Without a question the more sexual partners you have the greater the potential risk. Certainly I have recommended to my daughters that they use condoms with every man they are with. Until the have a committed and mongamous relationship.

Do I always follow my own suggestion, not always, but it is a still prudent practice. Since I do not always practice what I preach, I am tested regularly.

If the guy I am seeing not tested, things will not last long.

I think that pretty much sums it up. Have I played away from home? Yes. Did I use condoms? Abso-bloody-lutely!!

"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element

"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw

13 Aug 2011

I remember in college the school putting out the word/flyers/etc. several times that there was an STD 'epidemic' going on. I did know of several fraternity brothers ending up at the campus health clinic. I think that building was second only to the football stadium in drawing a crowd.

2 Sep 2011

as an openly gay person i ALWAYS make sure my partner always wears a condom simply because of a saying "better safe than sorry"