Anyone wanna read my newest story?

19 Dec 2014

Hello one and all, I am aspiring writer, among other things. I would like to get some feedback and if you would also rate my stories after you read them id be great full (if its a 5, haha just kidding) but on a serious note im looking for any helpful hints you may have for me. also please send me a friends request after you read. I will accept pretty much everyone.

20 Dec 2014

Quote by jayjay123
Hello one and all, I am aspiring writer, among other things. I would like to get some feedback and if you would also rate my stories after you read them id be great full (if its a 5, haha just kidding) but on a serious note im looking for any helpful hints you may have for me. also please send me a friends request after you read. I will accept pretty much everyone.

If you're serious about the helpful hints, you really should think about fleshing out your stories - they're pretty short, and there's not a lot of depth to them - I don't feel like I'm given the chance to get immersed in them. Try working on creating a world rather then just banging them off quickly. smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

20 Dec 2014

Upon a cursory review, along with what Sprite said, I like to see writers vary their sentence structures and length. It shakes up the read a bit, even just in a small way.

20 Dec 2014

Quote by sprite

If you're serious about the helpful hints, you really should think about fleshing out your stories - they're pretty short, and there's not a lot of depth to them - I don't feel like I'm given the chance to get immersed in them. Try working on creating a world rather then just banging them off quickly.

Yes of coarse, I want to become a better writer and was serious haha. Thank you for the hint, I will try and give a better "world view" in my next story. can you possibly give me an example?

20 Dec 2014

Sure, be happy to. Since you write in the bdsm category, here's a bdsm story, or at least the beginning of one - what's important are capturing the essence of the character - once you have someone hooked on the characters themselves, the story will feel real to them. If you can carry that from start to finish, you will have your reader hanging on every word...

---

“Do you trust me?” she asked, and I’d answered without thinking, my words followed with a soft kiss, my body tingling all over as she pulled me closer, her tongue slipping easily between my lips.

“Of course I do. Why would you even ask?” I answered breathlessly, feeling the welcome warmth of desire kissing the insides of my thighs. She gave my ass a quick squeeze and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.

“You make me want to do bad things to you, baby.”

“I like it when you do bad things to me, Mrs. Vandermeer.”

She smiled wickedly, her gaze holding mine as I trembled against her, rubbing my wet pussy against her thigh and letting out a fevered moan of desire. She kissed me playfully on the nose, and shook her head before pushing herself away from me. Helplessly I watched her retrieve her black lace bra from the dresser and slip her arms into the straps.

She hadn’t really given me an answer, but I hadn’t really expected one. Abby was good at not giving answers. You might even say she was a professional. It came with the territory. She was a Professor at a prestigious university, teaching courses in political science. Up until now, she’d done all the right things. Gone to the best schools, graduated at the top of her class, met all the right people and kept her reputation above reproach. She’d married into money and given birth to two perfect, blonde, blue eyed, kids, just like her... And then she’d met me.

I was her Achilles’ heel she’d tell me from time to time. Usually it was while putting her clothes back on, like right now. I lay on the sheets, just watching her dress, my naked body covered with our perspiration and cum, a satisfied smile glowing on my face as she’d pause, a rare haunted look in her clear blue eyes.

“Baby,” (She always called me baby, never used my real name, Shannon. Okay, that’s not totally true. There were other names she called me in the throes of passion. Her dirty little whore, her slut, her fuck doll, but afterwards, it was always ‘baby’.) “Why do I keep coming back to you? Anyone finds out, my career is toast.”

“Because your husband doesn’t let you do this, Abby.”

Wincing softly, I rolled away from her so that she could get a good look at my ass. It was bright red from the paddling she’d given me. I could still feel the heat in my tender flesh spreading down my thighs and translating in my pussy as pleasure as I did my best to point at my cherry red cheeks. With my forearms bound tightly together behind my back, it took some effort.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

20 Dec 2014

Quote by sprite

If you're serious about the helpful hints, you really should think about fleshing out your stories - they're pretty short, and there's not a lot of depth to them - I don't feel like I'm given the chance to get immersed in them. Try working on creating a world rather then just banging them off quickly.

Please ... try to choose your words more carefully (ke).

20 Dec 2014

Quote by sprite
Sure, be happy to. Since you write in the bdsm category, here's a bdsm story, or at least the beginning of one - what's important are capturing the essence of the character - once you have someone hooked on the characters themselves, the story will feel real to them. If you can carry that from start to finish, you will have your reader hanging on every word...

---

“Do you trust me?” she asked, and I’d answered without thinking, my words followed with a soft kiss, my body tingling all over as she pulled me closer, her tongue slipping easily between my lips.

“Of course I do. Why would you even ask?” I answered breathlessly, feeling the welcome warmth of desire kissing the insides of my thighs. She gave my ass a quick squeeze and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.

“You make me want to do bad things to you, baby.”

“I like it when you do bad things to me, Mrs. Vandermeer.”

She smiled wickedly, her gaze holding mine as I trembled against her, rubbing my wet pussy against her thigh and letting out a fevered moan of desire. She kissed me playfully on the nose, and shook her head before pushing herself away from me. Helplessly I watched her retrieve her black lace bra from the dresser and slip her arms into the straps.

She hadn’t really given me an answer, but I hadn’t really expected one. Abby was good at not giving answers. You might even say she was a professional. It came with the territory. She was a Professor at a prestigious university, teaching courses in political science. Up until now, she’d done all the right things. Gone to the best schools, graduated at the top of her class, met all the right people and kept her reputation above reproach. She’d married into money and given birth to two perfect, blonde, blue eyed, kids, just like her... And then she’d met me.

I was her Achilles’ heel she’d tell me from time to time. Usually it was while putting her clothes back on, like right now. I lay on the sheets, just watching her dress, my naked body covered with our perspiration and cum, a satisfied smile glowing on my face as she’d pause, a rare haunted look in her clear blue eyes.

“Baby,” (She always called me baby, never used my real name, Shannon. Okay, that’s not totally true. There were other names she called me in the throes of passion. Her dirty little whore, her slut, her fuck doll, but afterwards, it was always ‘baby’.) “Why do I keep coming back to you? Anyone finds out, my career is toast.”

“Because your husband doesn’t let you do this, Abby.”

Wincing softly, I rolled away from her so that she could get a good look at my ass. It was bright red from the paddling she’d given me. I could still feel the heat in my tender flesh spreading down my thighs and translating in my pussy as pleasure as I did my best to point at my cherry red cheeks. With my forearms bound tightly together behind my back, it took some effort.

felt every dialog.. and tension btw them

20 Dec 2014

Quote by intellect

felt every dialog.. and tension btw them

exactly - you want to create the mood, otherwise it's just words describing sex. In fact, the less you write about the actual sex, the better. Really, if you distill it down to it's essences, most sex scenes would read like this: He put his penis in her vagina over and over, faster and faster, until they both came. To breath life into your story, you need to concentrate on what is going on within your characters as much, if not more, than what they are physically doing.

I could just as easily written the scene thus - it's the same exact scene, in essence. All the facts remain, only thing I've removed are the parts that make the characters breathe.

“Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Of course I do. Why would you even ask?” I answered.

She gave my ass a quick squeeze and was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.

“You make me want to do bad things to you, baby.”

“I like it when you do bad things to me, Mrs. Vandermeer.”

She smiled wickedly, her gaze holding mine as I rubbed my wet pussy against her thigh and moaned. She kissed me on the nose, and shook her head before pushing herself away from me. I watched her retrieve her black lace bra from the dresser and slip her arms into the straps.

“Baby, why do I keep coming back to you? Anyone finds out, my career is toast.”

“Because your husband doesn’t let you do this, Abby.”

I rolled away from her so that she could get a good look at my ass. It was bright red from the paddling she’d given me. With my forearms bound tightly together behind my back, it took some effort.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

23 Dec 2014

Quote by jayjay123
Hello one and all, I am aspiring writer, among other things. I would like to get some feedback and if you would also rate my stories after you read them id be great full (if its a 5, haha just kidding) but on a serious note im looking for any helpful hints you may have for me. also please send me a friends request after you read. I will accept pretty much everyone.

Your story of ‘Kitten’s Date Night’ is good, and one that I enjoyed, but I think that you might have improved it. If I may, I’d like to suggest one way an improvement could have been made. To illustrate my point, I have taken one short paragraph from your story and reworked part of it. You wrote,

I lifted her up onto the counter, and she spread her legs, allowing me a glimpse of her hairless, tight pussy. I looked down and saw that I was at full attention, and she said to me in her seductive and hypnotic voice,

“Fuck me like I'm your little slut, JD.”

Ok, now here is what I’d like to suggest might have been done.

Grasping the hem of her dress, I slowly slid up her long graceful thighs, her hot flesh burning my palms. Her tender skin felt as smooth as a silk scarf as my wandering hands hesitated a moment, allowing my fingers to gently caress her full cheeks. With her eyes closed, I heard a faint moan of appreciation escape those bright red kissable lips. Just a hint of the smile that appeared, creating a dreamy, faraway look was enough to tell me that she had entered her own private fantasy world. With her hands lightly resting on my arms, she offered no resistance as I continued probing and squeezing this area of her body that I had always admired. The naughty thoughts racing through my mind, as my fingers resumed their upward march over her hips, were causing a very definite and noticeable reaction between my legs. Placing my hands around her slender waist, she felt light as a feather, as I easily lifted her up and sat her on the counter.

I couldn’t resist a chuckle as her pretty eyes flew open with a loud ‘OHH’, the second her tender vagina came in sudden contact with the icy cold counter top. For a moment, her whole body tensed, her knees snapped shut as she tried to rise up off the cold surface. Feeling my hands on her naked thighs, she relaxed and allowed me to spread her legs apart. Even though I’d seen it many times, my breath caught in my chest, as her clean shaven mound surrounding those pink lips that guarded the entrance to her tight pussy, came into full view.

Okay, enough of that. If you carefully study what I wrote, you will realize that I have used almost every word from your first sentence and with only a brief hint at your second one. All I did was add to them. There is nothing wrong with what you wrote; you just didn’t carry it far enough to fully convey to the reader, the image you wanted them to visualize. I think that this is what Sprit is saying when she said, and I quote, ‘…I don’t feel like I’m given the chance to get immersed in them.’

This website allows you to have up to 10,000 words, so don’t be afraid to use them. It takes time to build a believable world that your characters exist in, and there is no way a writer can successfully do that in only a few words. Don’t be afraid to experiment, perhaps rewrite one of your stories and publish it again. By carefully studying the comments you’ll receive, you will soon learn what works. And if something doesn’t, at least now you have learned what not to do, and that alone is a big step in the right direction. If you look at my profile, you will see that I’ve co-authored four stories, and all of them are within maybe half a dozen words of that limit. The comments we have received show that readers want and expect more details, and I think that is what Sprite and I are trying to demonstrate to you. She said it much more eloquently than I ever could when she said, and I quote, ‘…you want to create the mood, otherwise it’s just words describing sex.’ That ‘mood’ is created by helping a person to form in their mind an accurate picture of what the characters are not only doing, but thinking and feeling, and to do that, the reader needs a detailed description.

One way to do this it to invoke the five basic senses that all of us share, those of sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste. The more of these you can utilize within your story, the better. Another thing you might want to remember, is that authors are doing the same job as journalists, that of telling some kind of story to our reading audience. Any good journalist has heard the five ‘W’s’ rule, that of who, what, when, where and why. Answer these five questions along with the human senses, and you will have a winning story that is so intriguing, that no reader will be able to put it down.

Now that Sprite and I have finished tearing your writing apart, I do want to say one more thing. I admire and compliment you on starting this thread and asking for help. It takes courage to do something like that. To be a good writer, I think that a person has to be a good reader, so I’d recommend that you spend some time reading some of the stories written by a few of the best authors on this site. Don’t just read them for the pleasure of reading, but break them down, tear them apart sentence by sentence, and word by word, to understand why that author wrote what they did and the way they did it. I’ve done this, and it is amazing how much a person can learn that way. You have the basic talent for writing, but at the moment, you are like a diamond in the rough. Now you need to spend some time ‘polishing that diamond’, then you will soon find that your readership soars and people will be asking for more stories. Trust me, that is a wonderful feeling.

If you're feeling bored during this Covid-19 epidemic I’d like to suggest
you take a peek at a story I collaborated with SueBrasil, a brilliant author.
It's about a mistake in judgment a lady makes concerning a friend, based
on the hurtful words of someone that only thinks of himself. Will that
conniving person succeed in ruining a beautiful friendship, or will she see
through his lies? It's gradually creeping up towards the 30,000 mark
and we’d love any votes or hearing whatever comments you may wish
to make. It is listed in my profile under ‘FAVOURITES’ as Apologize.

www.lushstories.com/stories/first-time/apologize.aspx