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Wife libido is gone.

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Harddesires
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My wife and I have been together for 14 years. Over the last year her sex drive has gone completely away. We have had sex a handful of times over the last year and it hasn't been all that great. Mostly wam bam thank you mam... She used to be very active and loved to do kinkier things. We had a lot of great sex when we first got together but it is no longer happening. I have tried to initiate play and intimacy but am always turned away. Needless to say I am getting sick of taking care of myself knowing she is right next to me. She is a sexy attractive woman that I love very much but I can't go on like this anymore. I have discussed this with her many times and she says she is going to seek some help but it is taking forever for her to move forward. This morning she got angry at me for bringing it up again after she was gone all weekend. My question is what to to next? I have looked up sex therapists and Doctors the specialize in this area but here I sit waiting. HELP!!!
scottob1234
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Quote by Harddesires
My wife and I have been together for 14 years. Over the last year her sex drive has gone completely away. We have had sex a handful of times over the last year and it hasn't been all that great. Mostly wam bam thank you mam... She used to be very active and loved to do kinkier things. We had a lot of great sex when we first got together but it is no longer happening. I have tried to initiate play and intimacy but am always turned away. Needless to say I am getting sick of taking care of myself knowing she is right next to me. She is a sexy attractive woman that I love very much but I can't go on like this anymore. I have discussed this with her many times and she says she is going to seek some help but it is taking forever for her to move forward. This morning she got angry at me for bringing it up again after she was gone all weekend. My question is what to to next? I have looked up sex therapists and Doctors the specialize in this area but here I sit waiting. HELP!!!


There... Start... There.
black1
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I hate to say this but there are elements in your statement that are ringing alarm bells with me . I think you perhaps need to find evidence of her playing away .
shadowcat
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I am a wife who has lost their libido.

Let me give you an insight into how i think.
OK SO. i get up, shit i look awful, got so much to do today, don't have 2 minutes to myself, wish i had time to shower, what shall i cook for dinner, need to do some housework,

Then it reaches 8am. I barely have time to think everyday let alone make sure i am freshly shaved, and ready at all times for sex.

I used to do kinky things for my husband as well but it got old. I got fed up with doing the same thing in the same order everytime.

My husband brought it up a while back and i HATED having my failings highlighted to me when i was already painfully aware of them

We have since made an effort to try and improve our relationship by going out once a month just for a pub lunch or cinema.

Instead of blaming her maybe look at yourself and see how you can help her.
black1
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Quote by shadowcat
I am a wife who has lost their libido.

Let me give you an insight into how i think.
OK SO. i get up, shit i look awful, got so much to do today, don't have 2 minutes to myself, wish i had time to shower, what shall i cook for dinner, need to do some housework,

Then it reaches 8am. I barely have time to think everyday let alone make sure i am freshly shaved, and ready at all times for sex.

I used to do kinky things for my husband as well but it got old. I got fed up with doing the same thing in the same order everytime.

My husband brought it up a while back and i HATED having my failings highlighted to me when i was already painfully aware of them

We have since made an effort to try and improve our relationship by going out once a month just for a pub lunch or cinema.

Instead of blaming her maybe look at yourself and see how you can help her.


Some good advise there . The going out bit can make a big difference .
Tukeefuck
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What do you think the marital vow of "to HAVE and to HOLD" really mean? You think they're talking about hugging? She's breaking her vows by not letting you have her and hold her.

I would emphasize that you're done with this shot by moving yourself into the spare bedroom if you have one. If she gets unsettled by that action, tell her the next step is you moving out, followed by divorce.
ScreamQueen
living dead girl
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Quote by Tukeefuck
What do you think the marital vow of "to HAVE and to HOLD" really mean? You think they're talking about hugging? She's breaking her vows by not letting you have her and hold her.

I would emphasize that you're done with this shot by moving yourself into the spare bedroom if you have one. If she gets unsettled by that action, tell her the next step is you moving out, followed by divorce.



Wow dude you are kind of a jerk, What about that part with FOR BETTER OR WORSE
what if she's depressed?
What if she's having health problems or stress

Relationships don't work when someone is refusing to look into the deeper side of things or being selfish
its not all about your sexual needs..
Tukeefuck
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Quote by vanessa26



Wow dude you are kind of a jerk, What about that part with FOR BETTER OR WORSE
what if she's depressed?
What if she's having health problems or stress

Relationships don't work when someone is refusing to look into the deeper side of things or being selfish
its not all about your sexual needs..


He said he's tried to work with her to resolve the issue such as to seek medical advice to get to the root of the problem. If she is aware of the conflict in the marriage and can't even be bothered to see a doctor to figure out what's going on, she's a bitch. She's basically saying his needs are so unimportant that she's not going to do anything about it.

As far as your opinion about me (saying I'm a jerk), your opinion means exactly jack shit to me. You are entirely unimportant.
ScreamQueen
living dead girl
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Quote by Tukeefuck


He said he's tried to work with her to resolve the issue such as to seek medical advice to get to the root of the problem. If she is aware of the conflict in the marriage and can't even be bothered to see a doctor to figure out what's going on, she's a bitch. She's basically saying his needs are so unimportant that she's not going to do anything about it.

As far as your opinion about me (saying I'm a jerk), your opinion means exactly jack shit to me. You are entirely unimportant.



Marriage is.a game of patience
Guys getting on and bitching about their wives to strangers
clearly don't need or deserve their marriage

That is all.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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She's obviously a lesbian. that's the only explanation.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

nicola
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#teampussy
techgoddess
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Clearly she's just not that into him....

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Milik_the_Red
Internet Philosopher
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Quote by Tukeefuck
What do you think the marital vow of "to HAVE and to HOLD" really mean? You think they're talking about hugging? She's breaking her vows by not letting you have her and hold her.

I would emphasize that you're done with this shot by moving yourself into the spare bedroom if you have one. If she gets unsettled by that action, tell her the next step is you moving out, followed by divorce.


That is an easy solution... if pussy is more important to you than love.

To ask for a divorce because she isn't easily aroused is the act of someone who isn't in love anymore. For me, it would be unthinkable. Okay, so my wife is a lushie with a libido like mine, but still, I would never contemplate dumping her because she wasn't responding to me. If that's how he feels, I am not at all surprised she doesn't want to have sex with him. She isn't a sex doll, she is a woman.

Has he tried romance? Making her feel he still loves her? There are so many ways he can show her that they can still be intimate. I mean, SHOW HER, not tell her. Take her on a cruise. Find out through paying attention to what is stressing her and relieve that stress. Marriage is a partnership, not a commitment to suck his cock on demand.

She is a wife, not a whore.

I'm done here.
ScreamQueen
living dead girl
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Quote by Milik_the_Red


That is an easy solution... if pussy is more important to you than love.

To ask for a divorce because she isn't easily aroused is the act of someone who isn't in love anymore. For me, it would be unthinkable. Okay, so my wife is a lushie with a libido like mine, but still, I would never contemplate dumping her because she wasn't responding to me. If that's how he feels, I am not at all surprised she doesn't want to have sex with him. She isn't a sex doll, she is a woman.

Has he tried romance? Making her feel he still loves her? There are so many ways he can show her that they can still be intimate. I mean, SHOW HER, not tell her. Take her on a cruise. Find out through paying attention to what is stressing her and relieve that stress. Marriage is a partnership, not a commitment to suck his cock on demand.

She is a wife, not a whore.

I'm done here.



a big ditto on everything you just said.
Clearly this dude thinks women are pleasure robots.
Milik_the_Red
Internet Philosopher
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Quote by silentwhispers


Her Royal Spriteness
I'd ask you to read Milik_the-red(s) comment below for an "educated thoughtful comment" but obviously with your closed mind "He's obviously a fag. that's the only explanation.


Well, I am bisexual, so...

but I still stand by my post
Katherine
Nerdzilla
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Tukeefuck is obviously not the voice to listen to here. Also, Sprite is joking, trying to lighten the mood a bit. Goodness.

You've got some good advice here. I'd take it. This stuff happens, especially in long term relationships. It can be tough, but I think most people who work together to find a way to happiness will tell you it's worth it. Good luck, my friend. ?
Simplicity
Just me
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Tukeefuck, there is two sides to every story. I am just thankful I have a understanding husband that on many occasions I don’t feel like having sex, he don't threaten me with a divorce. Get a grip, and like Vannessa said your vows do say for better or worse, maybe for yours should say, for sex or not..
Click below to see

Simplicity
Just me
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Quote by Harddesires
My wife and I have been together for 14 years. Over the last year her sex drive has gone completely away. We have had sex a handful of times over the last year and it hasn't been all that great. Mostly wam bam thank you mam... She used to be very active and loved to do kinkier things. We had a lot of great sex when we first got together but it is no longer happening. I have tried to initiate play and intimacy but am always turned away. Needless to say I am getting sick of taking care of myself knowing she is right next to me. She is a sexy attractive woman that I love very much but I can't go on like this anymore. I have discussed this with her many times and she says she is going to seek some help but it is taking forever for her to move forward. This morning she got angry at me for bringing it up again after she was gone all weekend. My question is what to to next? I have looked up sex therapists and Doctors the specialize in this area but here I sit waiting. HELP!!!


If you truly love her as you say you do, work on it, I know you say you have but continue. Maybe give it a rest, dont bring it up , dont even try. Give her some time to think things through. I was in a long marriage and for the better half of it, there was no sex, because he had no sex drive. I let it go and understood his feelings. Good luck to you.
Click below to see

sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Katherine
Tukeefuck is obviously not the voice to listen to here. Also, Sprite is joking, trying to lighten the mood a bit. Goodness.

You've got some good advice here. I'd take it. This stuff happens, especially in long term relationships. It can be tough, but I think most people who work together to find a way to happiness will tell you it's worth it. Good luck, my friend. ?


i really need to work on opening up my mind, don't i? silly

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
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Quote by Milik_the_Red


Well, I am bisexual, so...

but I still stand by my post


sorry i called you the "f" word, apparently? in the future i will try harder to keep an open mind.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

KimmiBeGood
Simple Scribbler
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Harddesires ... I hear this from many people who have been married as long as you. I understand more than just missing the sex, you are feeling rejected by your wife. And that hurts. I also understand women have hormone changes at certain ages that mess with our libido. Also, many of us (myself!!!) have our emotional connections closely tied to our physical connections. Maybe you have not met her emotional needs in some way? She will NOT respond the way you want with you pressuring her. I suggest the two of you go somewhere alone together away from ALL daily life stresses. Then, listen to her. L I S T E N! Ask her how she feels about sex. Ask her how she feels about you. Try very very hard not to get defensive and make her feel safe to share her feelings. I don't think she feels safe right now to fully disclose what is going on. Go back to kissing. Kissing is in my opinion the #1 physical interaction to building and sustaining intimacy. Tell her you just want no-pressure kissing ... no sex ... just kissing. Give her a massage ... again NO EXPECTATIONS FOR SEX!!! Start there ... and best wishes to you both.
Milik_the_Red
Internet Philosopher
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Quote by sprite


sorry i called you the "f" word, apparently? in the future i will try harder to keep an open mind.


Yeah, I didn’t see that word in your post either. Not sure I where that came from lol
Harddesires
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Quote by shadowcat
I am a wife who has lost their libido.

Let me give you an insight into how i think.
OK SO. i get up, shit i look awful, got so much to do today, don't have 2 minutes to myself, wish i had time to shower, what shall i cook for dinner, need to do some housework,

Then it reaches 8am. I barely have time to think everyday let alone make sure i am freshly shaved, and ready at all times for sex.

I used to do kinky things for my husband as well but it got old. I got fed up with doing the same thing in the same order everytime.

My husband brought it up a while back and i HATED having my failings highlighted to me when i was already painfully aware of them

We have since made an effort to try and improve our relationship by going out once a month just for a pub lunch or cinema.

Instead of blaming her maybe look at yourself and see how you can help her.


I just got to thinking about this response as I was doing some house cleaning which I have done throughout my adult life as a husband and father. I got a little angry at first but then realized you are probably a selfish and unhappy person to begin with. I read some of your replies to form questions and I can see your not happy.
I am not blaming anyone for this issue I just wanted to know if anyone else has had this issue and could tell me how they handled the situation. I love my wife and want our relationship to flourish as it once did. I got some good advice from those that care and some bad advice from some assholes. Might I suggest you take care of your business before giving other your opinion.
kiteares
"the Great God (snicker)" - James 'Bear' Llewellyn
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Quote by Harddesires


I just got to thinking about this response as I was doing some house cleaning which I have done throughout my adult life as a husband and father. I got a little angry at first but then realized you are probably a selfish and unhappy person to begin with. I read some of your replies to form questions and I can see your not happy.
I am not blaming anyone for this issue I just wanted to know if anyone else has had this issue and could tell me how they handled the situation. I love my wife and want our relationship to flourish as it once did. I got some good advice from those that care and some bad advice from some assholes. Might I suggest you take care of your business before giving other your opinion.


Hate to tell you, but a year is nothing.
Changes happen, with both of you. There may come a time you're through this phase and you start getting erectile problems, yeah if it ain't one thing.

You've had plenty of good advice, don't limit yourself to people here, search engines and critical thinking are your friends in getting ideas. Patience and love are your friends in resolving this, but it will not be an instant fix, it will be something that will carry on for the rest of your time together.

Ultimately it may be as simple as she's fallen out of love with you (as you said you still love her), if that's that case, then I feel very sorry for you, but it will be unlikely that you can fix that.. but then I may be wrong, I'm a pervert on a sex site, not a therapist.

Just make sure you try everything you can before moving towards separate beds, rooms or lives. Then, at least, you will be certain that you have made the right decision and know you have done your very best. If it does come to that, don't be an arse about.

I'm sure there will be lots more anger before this is over for you. Hang in there.

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laurenhar
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Maybe she's just tired, she needs a little more time on herself. When was the last time you asked how she's doing, how does she feel? When did you show concern and not just want sex?
lesharon
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Ask her out on a date. Make it a rule to meet several times a month. Re-discovering a friend of a friend
WellMadeMale
Constant Gardener
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Quote by Harddesires


I just got to thinking about this response as I was doing some house cleaning which I have done throughout my adult life as a husband and father. I got a little angry at first but then realized you are probably a selfish and unhappy person to begin with. I read some of your replies to form questions and I can see your not happy.
I am not blaming anyone for this issue I just wanted to know if anyone else has had this issue and could tell me how they handled the situation. I love my wife and want our relationship to flourish as it once did. I got some good advice from those that care and some bad advice from some assholes. Might I suggest you take care of your business before giving other your opinion.


You decided to air your dirty laundry on an erotic story website forum where you asked for 'HELP!' - aka opinions to reinforce your thoughts (apparently). There was nothing hostile or assholish about Shadowcat's reply. She didn't demean you nor belittle you in any way. She provided you with a coherent backstory anecdote and then an opinion/option - which you probably felt struck a bit too close to home and you don't like that shit.

Perhaps you're simply not mature enough to even be involved in a mutually beneficial relationship with another human being at this point in time. There's no shame in living alone at any age. Strong and weak people do it all the time, whether by choice or circumstance.

Perhaps, instead of asking for advice online from strangers who could likely give zero fucks - try discussing this with the person from which you wish to rekindle the magic with. Maybe things aren't broken beyond all repair - maybe they are. If so, move on and don't leave your friend/lover/wife in a ditch, emotionally or financially.

Deal with this situation of yours maturely. Find those characteristics and qualities about yourself your wife valued enough to consider throwing in with you and marrying in the first place. Act accordingly.

If that means you need to start purchasing escorts and call-girls to satisfy the physical needs you still have because your libido hasn't been extinguished - go for it. You can't control another person's sex drive no matter how much you might think you once influenced it. Don't assign fault nor blame and keep resentments away from this relationship.

Go ahead, attack me now.
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She
Marx Sister
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Quote by Tukeefuck
"What do you think the marital vow of "to HAVE and to HOLD" really mean? You think they're talking about hugging? She's breaking her vows by not letting you have her and hold her.

I would emphasize that you're done with this shot by moving yourself into the spare bedroom if you have one. If she gets unsettled by that action, tell her the next step is you moving out, followed by divorce."


So... This if pretty fucking absurd. What if they didn't use standardized vows? How the fuck do you know with certainty what that archaic phrasing meant? Also, you can't contractually force someone to have sex with you and be a good person. Finally, if someone is insisting that somebody has sex with you when you are certain they're not interested, that just makes them a (either via coercion or force), doesn't it?

--------

In response to the original poster, there are a variety of options, many of which have been discussed. What I'm curious about is whether or not she is really interested in sex at all, anymore. If she's not and she's trying to get "help" because she wants to make you happy, it may be time to look at other options; though I encourage you to take a moment and look at the way she's showing you that she loves you deeply by making the effort.

Anyway, this is all the long way of saying that I think ethical non-monogamy may be a valid option for you. She may not be into the idea at all, but she may also hear you suggest it and feel a great wave of relief that she doesn't have to force herself to keep going with what I assure you will be a complicated, embarrassing, and painful series of medical exams – or at least, that she can do it at her own pace. It's worth noting that the wave of relief I've described there, might come after a wave of frustration or anger while she processes what you've said. Make sure she understands that the suggestion is about what both of you need.

Of course, dating as a married person (particularly one who is male or masculine presenting) can be a slow and frustrating process, especially at the beginning. It varies a lot based on factors like location (some places are more open and accepting than others, but the internet is your friend in this case), status of sexual health, which of those kinks you just have to have back, and of course your own feelings. Plenty more, too.

If you aren't sure how to bring this up, the best person to ask is somebody who practices ENM and also knows your wife. Next best might be a couple's therapist who is sex-positive, and non-monogamy friendly. You can often find notes about those things on people's websites and profiles now, or you can just ask. Such a person might even be able to help you bring up the subject in a setting where your wife doesn't feel threatened by the topic or pressured into answering right away.

I've been actively poly for close to a decade, and commonly is not usually have more than one partner. Now, I'm polyamorous, but there are many kinds of ethical non-monogamy, and not all of them involve emotional attachment, which can also make people feel better about the idea – though I personally am wary of this, simply because I fall in love so easily. It's actually kind of ridiculous. My one additional bit of advice is that you absolutely should NOT over-extend yourself when you jump into dating or hooking up. It is very easy to do, especially when you get no responses on the apps, get no responses, get no responses... and then you get fucking slammed with them and want to go out on a first date every night for a month. Since in this case you'd be pursuing your needs while also improving your relationship with your wife, don't forget to make time for her. You know, if you were to go this route.

Oh, and don't forget about testing for STIs, using protection of some kind, and figuring out clear guidelines about all of that stuff with your wife, as well as any other sex partners.
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