My wife and I switched to an 'open cuckold' lifestyle back in 2008 on the back of infidelities causing her guilt. No problems with that -it seemed a natural progression.
But as more facts have slowly emerged about those previous infidelities, nearly 30 years on I find myself wondering about our first born child.
A few facts, (let's call mt wife J and me G):
June 1986 – contraception dropped, 'let's make a baby'
October 1986 – G gets a virus
November 1986 – Baby not happening - G referred for sperm count: Result = Very Low
April 1987 – second opinion sought
July 31 1987 – Sperm Count looking a bit more like normal, virus may have had an affect, J referred for investigation (long waiting list)
December 18 – J begins affair with R
R is very virile, has two kids and his wife is pregnant with third
January 5th onwards, J's sex with R gathers pace - moves from back of car to his house within three weeks of first fuck.
Mid November - Baby born, two weeks overdue
Likely time of conception - January 25
J insists R used rubbers but their sex was frequent and intense?
What concerns me here is that I remember clearly how desperate we were for a baby, J especially. Could she have assumed my sperm count was never going to be enough and sort a real life proven donor? Or could R been made aware of J's desparation (circumstances would suggest a real possibility) and offered to help... I have since learnt in the cuck world that many men get a thrill from impregnating other men's wives?
I now feel I need to know if I am indeed the father, but I have no intention of messing up my daughter's mind.
I am poised to order a DNA testing kit for my own peace of mind... because I feel I knowing is better than not knowing. Am I right?
You should be poised for a world of hurt. And if you go through with this crazy idea, if the results or the child isn't yours, NEVER allow your child to know. That would be cruel. You raised the child as the father. I seriously suggest you let sleeping dogs lie. Leave it alone!
I have a feeling you have a masochistic fetish. Don't force that kind of pain on your child and family.
Thanks Buz, wise words that I totally agree with. Not so sure about the masochistic fetish but I have no intention of forcing the pain on my child and family, I just want the knowledge for my own. The odds seem to beg the question and I really feel knowing would be more peaceful than guessing.
Does your first born child look strikingly dissimilar from the others? Does she have a completely different temperament/ personality/ outlook/ intelligence level than your other kids? Is there anything other than the coinciding dates that make you think you're not her father?
If you do the DNA test and you are her biological father, your wife is going to be hurt that you didn't believe her but life will pretty much go on as normal.
If however the DNA test were to show you're not your first child's genetic parent... that's a whole other story. For nearly thirty years you'll have been raising another man's child- will you feel differently about her while you're coming to terms with it, will you one day throw it in her face in the heat of an argument, will you look at your first grandchild and feel bitter because they're not 'yours'? What does it mean for your relationship with your wife, knowing that she lied to you when she confessed to her affair, knowing that for thirty years she's been hiding this? Wondering if the man she had the affair with knows about the child, have they ever met, did they get on, does your daughter look like him?
My husband and I have been trying for two and a half years so I know about the associated stresses of not being able to conceive, but I also know that the overriding desire is to be a parent. I would happily adopt right now and from conversations I've had with others in similar positions, they largely agree. You got your daughter, and she was happy and healthy.
What difference will it make, realistically? You've raised her as your own for nigh on thirty years. You taught her to walk and talk, you helped her with her homework, you bought her first pair of shoes, you've warded off boys you thought were trouble, you picked her up from sleepovers when she was homesick, you picked her up from the bar when she was drunk, she made you birthday cards and Father's Day presents and you're the first man she ever loved. Genetics aren't everything. She is, irrevocably, your daughter because you made her into the woman she is today.
If the test showed you were not her biological father you would have a moral responsibility to tell her. Which would mean telling all your kids. You'd also have to explain the affair, the open marriage, the most private of private things between you and your wife would have to be outed... it also leaves your daughter in a tricky position- does she want to meet this man or not and does your wife even still know him after all these years? What if they get on really well and she wants him to be a bigger part of her life?
I see a lot of cons and not many pros. Be very wary of what you are wading into and remember curiosity killed the cat. This could all backfire terribly. You have a family who love you and they are yours. Blood doesn't determine that.
Thank you Kinky girl. I have two daughters and yes, they are like chalk and cheese in looks as well as temperament. But, there is nothing unusual in that other than the fact that as far as the second daughter is concerned, I simply have no doubt that I am the father... to this day she is my mother's side of the family reborn in looks as well as persona.
I sincerely sympathise and empathise with your situation deeply and your words strike chords and open memories like it was yesterday... and in truth, life is so short it really was only yesterday. We were at the point that we were considering adoption negatively... in other words, if we could not have children, then that was the way it was meant to be.
I love the list of things you wrote that I did as a father, because despite geography and distance, they are wise words and 100% accurate.
It is the last two paragraphs I do not agree with. I don't have to tell my daughter anyhting morally or otherwise. It is my own desire to know the truth that counts here and I do believe I have the wisdom to accept the results without destroying the love of my children... blood or oherwise. At least, that is what I sense.
Thanks for this HeraTeleia. I do believe I can get the swab sample without causing concern and I certainly take on board all of your comments. However, the suspicion is already in place and the chance of it 'coming out' during a disagreement has been there for a long long time. Surely I have a right to know one way or the other, and if the result is a positive one then the mistrust and chances of the issue surfacing during discord, evaporate?
Dear Geoff,
There is nothing to be gained by moving forward with the DNA test. There is great potential for creating pain and mistrust in your family. Based on your avatar name and what you wrote, you've supported your wife having sexual relationships with other men. While it is possible the other man impregnated your wife, she is still your wife and more importantly your daughter is your daughter regardless of who contributed the sperm. If you continue to be focused on this, I recommend you see a therapist to help you process it and truly think it through.
Best,
M
Thank you Mustang I have appreciate your concerne here but for me the test would bring closure. However, I do like your suggestion about seeking a therapist but I am assuming the inference is for counselling - in which case the suggestion is excellent, thank you.
I agree with Mustang about counselling. There are therapists who will focus on this kind of thing as their speciality. They will be able to help and support you throughout this so it's maybe worth seeing them before you make any final decisions.
I think you would indeed have a moral responsibility to tell her. If you know, your wife knows and yet your daughter doesn't, well, it just doesn't seem right. And the law clearly agrees... You might be interested in the statement below. You need consent. Valid, informed, handwritten consent or it's illegal.
'Please note that it is an offence under section 45 of the Human Tissue Act to have any bodily material with intent to analyse the DNA in it without qualifying consent, subject to certain exceptions. In order to send a sample for analysis, the person or donor of that sample must give their consent in writing in order for us to test their sample. Furthermore, in order to be fully compliant with the Human Tissue Act, the donor of the sample must also be made aware of how their DNA sample will be used. Failure to comply with the Human Tissue Act is a criminal offence.'
No, you're not right. The consensus of everyone who's responded is that you're not right, yet you persist in pursuing an idiotic course of action against all advice. So why even start this thread, if you have no intention of heeding wise counsel?
Sorry to sound so harsh, but several very intelligent people have spent time offering you very considered opinions, which you have brushed aside in the certitude of your intentions. So seriously, dude? Why did you ask?
As usual, Bethany cuts right through the bullshit. Lives will be ruined if you persist in this cockamamie course.
@Bethany... hey - who says I am persisting? In truth I am absorbing these thoughts and comments which have put my action on hold.
In particular the suggestion of contacting a counsellor has been a very positive steer.
@69Kisses... again I appreciate the sentiment and am questioning whether it is indeed a cockamamie course I could not control.
Then I hear that voice again "I want to know". But now I hear "why?".
So I am not rushing into anything yet.
I'm torn with this one. My first instincts are to agree with all of you but what about the rights of the child? Not to mention who her genetic parent is, if it's not you? Don't they both have a right to know? If you are not the genetic parent, don't the genetic parent and the child have a right to decide if they want to get to know each other? Why should someone else get to decide that for them?
I'm with Buz on this one - leave well alone. There's a potential for a whole load of hurt here. I have seen families torn apart when something like this has happened
Unless there is a medical reason in your lifetime or a history of monogenetic genetic disorder in the family then bury this silly idea once and for all.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Well thank you Trinket!!!
At last some one has made the point that perhaps... I have the right to be certain, I suspect that all other contributors have looked at the background ad gone "ooops - it is obvious what has happened here, and there is going to be hurt". Not so,,,. I am pretty sure daughter #1 is not my child genetically but it makes no odds, I just want to know.
This is simple. You want to know, to assuage your feelings. You say you are thinking of your family's feelings, however, what do they gain? You look to tear their world apart for nothing. They gain nothing at all but doubt fear and worry. Don't be so selfish.
As for the daughter and her potential other parent, it doesn't really matter. You are her father, and that is that.
Personally, I can understand the intense curiosity of what you're feeling. No, it doesn't matter since she is your child; yes, you will still love her just the same. But the idea will always be there, just as it had been there for a while now (assuming you gave this a considerable amount of thought, as it is deserved before posting openly on a forum). Personally, I am one who cannot tolerate being in the unknown. I get furious when I find out about things later down the line that I should have know while it was happening. Being under enforced ignorance is something I cannot cope with.
I believe there is nothing wrong with finding out. HOWEVER, I am completely on-board with everyone who have brought up the fragility of family ties that this little string of thought is tangled around. If you can guarantee with no doubts that you can keep all emotions under control OUT of your family core and values, then there is no harm done in finding out. It's just.. time has proven that the human heart and mind do not work this way. Just as you might be certain that uncovering this truth will not affect your emotions now, it is just as likely (if not more so) that you will have planted a ticking time bomb ready to explode further down the line.
30 years has been a long time. That would mean your daughter is 30 years old, an adult woman capable of processing her own thoughts and emotions of her own accord. Ultimately, this is part of her choice too, whether you like to admit it or not. Could you imagine if you were in the same situation in which your father whom you have grown under and followed all your life was doubting the source of your existence? That he went behind your back to make sure you were his? Things like this have a high chance of being found out by your daughter. And I can guarantee, no matter how much you explain to her that this was just to satisfy your own curiosity, she will see it as something you were deliberately looking for to lower her validation, and that of her mother's.
Reflect on yourself and see if you can keep this huge life-changing information from everyone around you. You can literally talk to NO ONE about this. Would you be able to carry this on for the rest of your life while treating your family exactly the same as before? If you can, then by all means, find out to satisfy the nagging within your own mind. But if there is any moment of hesitation, it might be a telltale sign of something you shouldn't be dabbling into.
Thank you Donnanatrix, so at last someone with some perspective of my conundrum and not least the desire to satisfy my own suspicions. Your comment leads me to be clear on a few points here: I am simply unsure of the truth and feel I have a right to know. I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to upset my eldest daughter's harmony of life or her perspective of me as her biological father - quite simply I could not love her any more and I would only pursue this action covertly. At the time of conception my wife and I were discussing alternative options for exampe, adoption or donor - and in truth I would not be surprised if a virile male had taken advantage of the situation and her vulnerability, Inwardly I know I can both cope with and protect the truth, but at present I am still giving long long consideration to the next step as you quite rightly suggest. And in my heart, I simply need to know - yet I equally see no need to forgive my wife because I remember too well our shared desperation for a child at the time - in fact, I suspect she is not actually sure herself, and knowing and loving her as I do I know that will possibly be torturing her today as it would have done nearly 30 years ago. It is also something I wish I could reaasure her about.
I think it's kind of like Schrodinger's Cat. The real question is whether you would feel better not knowing or unveiling the hurtful truth, if it is what you think it is. I really hope the best for you, and hey, at least your kid had a father to raise him. You can go to sleep at night knowing that you did good for the world.
Big-haired Bitch/Personality Hire
Methinks this thread is one of those really drawn out cuckold fantasy things.
░P░U░S░S░Y░ ░I░N░ ░B░I░O░
If this is indeed a legitimate thread then heed the advice given. I think the only realistic reason to determine authenticity is for medical history for things like diabetes or other genetic diseases.
To start let me tell you about my experience. While my wife and I were courting she spent some time with an ex-boyfriend. We planned to get married had set a date. Shortly afterwards she informed me that she was pregnant. The circumstances were such that I automatically assumed that it was my child even though I had been aware that she had contact with her ex-boyfriend. We bought the wedding date forward and soon we were happily married and some months later we had a baby girl.
Somewhere in my mind, a doubt occurred that our daughter wasn't mine but I pushed that thought aside. When our daughter was five years old I by accident stumbled on my wife sitting with her ex-boyfriend in a cafe with our daughter. I didn't show myself but watched from a distance. The ex-boyfriend didn't seem to be interested in my wife but was very interested in our daughter.
Afterwards, I confronted my wife with what I had observed and told her that I thought she had some explaining to do. She made out that she believed that I was aware that the ex-boyfriend was our daughters father because she had made no secret that they had spent some time together around the time that I had proposed. I couldn't deny that I was aware that she had met him but as I trusted her it didn't occur to me that they had indulged in unprotected sex given that we were engaged to be married.
We managed to get over our differences and because we also had a son by that time we stayed together. The boyfriend, later on, was involved in a serious accident and was confined to a wheelchair and to the best of my knowledge she never saw him again while we were married. My wife insisted that our daughter must never be told the truth. I was reluctant but eventually agreed.
Move on some years and with our daughter at nineteen years of age, my wife finds herself another lover and splits taking almost all the assets with her then sues me for the remainder. I fight it in court and during the battle, she threatens to tell our daughter that I am not her father. I simply laugh at her because this is the person that I have reared from a baby initially believing she is mine and even when I became aware I never once treated her any different.
After the settlement is complete (I saved some of the assets but men are always the losers in such circumstance) out daughter comes to see me extremely angry claiming that I had stopped her from knowing her father. It seems my now ex-wife not satisfied with getting the majority of our assets decided to brainwash our daughter with a story that her real father wanted to be part of her life but I had intervened to stop him. She has severed all contact with me and I have only seen her once in the last twenty years.
Why would I bother to tell my story? Reading yours I see a parallel. None of us knows what is around the corner. If I could live it all again I would not agree to hide the truth from our daughter. You may reconsider how you and your wife deal with your situation knowing the mistakes that I made.
I realize this is an older thread, just ran across it, but it seems still active. Any updates?
IMHO, if you do the testing then you have to tell your daughter the result very soon afterward - regardless of the result, and possibly before you discuss with your wife. The clinic will have records that you requested a test, and the results, which could inadvertently reach your daughter through countless paths you can't anticipate. Any family member could stumble onto your personal copy unless you destroy it. Your wife might use it against you in a fit of rage.
No matter what you do, if your daughter learns from anyone other than you, she'll always doubt you. You'll lose her trust.
She'll wonder about every event through her life, and your intentions at every milestone.
How does dealing with the worst case fallout compare to dealing with the anxiety of not knowing?
If you're consumed by anxiety... you may want (or need?) to discuss with a "mental health professional". Someone who can't reveal your concerns, but knows how to help you cope. I'll even speculate that this is the biggest, but not the only, issue causing your discomfort.
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