So the husband and I have been togther over a decade. We got together at the begining of our teen years, have a home, a family, built a life. I am almost certain that this man still loves me. But I am even more certain I no longer love him. The life we have is not one we built togther, but one I have carved out for my babies... he's just kind of there. He's never worked a day in his life and has no ambition and honestly I just don't see a future anymore. Love is about accseptng someones flaws, but you can only accsept so much for so long. I work my ass off in a dangerous environment to give him everything he wants only to come home to a crap hole and do everything indoors too. Then listen to him complain about how shitty everything he has is. I just can't anymore.
That's not to say he's all bad. He cares about me and my interests, he is rarely every snappy or nasty to me in any way. He is a phenominal Dad. Genrally he's a good guy, just with a lack of life ambition.
This has been a long time coming, I knew my love for him was fading about 2 years back. I kept it to myself for a year and just hoped it was self sabotaging. When I knew it was genuine I tried to bring it up with him in the hopes we could carve out some time for just us (mums and dads you know how hard that is). Start a date night, something, anything. While I didn't love him that doesn't mean I didn't want to want him. I wanted to fight for our family I wanted to be happy with him.
You know what he told me... "well I'm not willing to break up, so you can just be miserable your whole life". I knew at that point I really couldn't being myself to see him as I once did. I knew what I felt for him was gone for good.
Now he's been offered a job (and a damn good one at that) am I keep telling myself this time will be different this time he'll do it. This time it'll change. It's not the first time he's been offered god work either, never followed through though.
What I'm doing to him is cruel and I know that. I just keep fighting for that perfect nuclear family for our babies. I am so distant now. We don't talk and when we do I'm blunt with every sentace We certainly don't bump uglies. I snap at him all too often, and when I'm really pissed off I let slip how I feel in anger.
What worse is I'm starting to stray. There's a guy I'm sort of seeing. More just heavy flirting, he's made it clear he's into me but knows my situation and will walk away if asked. I haven't slept with him (although I could have) but when I'm really honest I know that what's left of any morals I thought I had are not going to hold up forever. - please no hate, this post isn't half of whats going on.
I know I need to end this, not for me, but for him.
I know he can't afford the rent on his own, and call me a mug but I'll happily leave and let him keep the house and even top up the rent for him. It keeps the family home here for our babies and that's what matters. I'll go 50/50 custody too. He may be a shitty husband but he's an amazing Dad.
I may not love or even like this man anymore, but he is father to my children. How in the hell am I supposed to rip his heart out by walking away!? He has been my whole life for almost half my life. Just because I no longer love him doesn't mean I want to see him in pain.
I know its a long post, and I guess it's a lot to donwith venting to real people anonymously. So if you're still reading... thanks.
Disclaimer: I've never been in quite a similar situation (marriage and kids).
Since you've made your decision, I guess at some point you will just have to tell him what you told us now, and follow through with it. I don't see any other way, especially if you want to keep a friendly relationship, which will make a shared custody so much easier.
His "well I'm not willing to break up, so you can just be miserable your whole life" remark worries me a bit. Not knowing him, it could be the remark of a guy who might turn violent when he feels his life falls apart. But you're a much better judge in this of course.
Good luck!
=== Not ALL LIVES MATTER untilBLACK LIVES MATTER ===
Life can be so damn complicated. You are clearly not happy with your life with this guy. IMO, you are on the right track for your situation. The fact that you are clearly worried about your childrens' happiness and his shows your wisdom and empathy. I think that you will find your way. Best of luck.
How old are your kids? If he is truly a great father how long till the leave for college?
When my wife and I had a hard time I stayed fore the kids, and in the end it worked out for both of us.
For me, unless you are fighting or life for the kids is suffering, I felt it was my obligation to them to keep a family.
Old in chronological age. But young at heart and desire.
I'm confused as to what the question is.....sorry. It seems like a statement and offer for some friendly advice/discussion. I'll send you a pm.
****well scratch my idea. Find someone to chat with who may be going through this kind of thing. If you'd really like feedback on personal issues like this, you'll get more response if you allow non friends to send you PMs
I know there isn't really much advice to be given here. I don't really know what I was expecting, this place has always been great and it just seemed the the best place to get it out.
I started making plans today, and will be leaving after Christmas. I've been though hell and back in life, yet somehow this just feels like the hardest thing I've had to do yet.
I know he'll be hurt, but in time he'll come to find someone who loves him in return and treats him much better than I can.
My guess is you're probably not entirely ready to leave this guy. If you were, you'd have done it already. But it's a big decision (particularly when children are involved, and you've invested 10 years in the guy - that's a lot to leave behind), not to be taken lightly, and as is evident from the post, there's some ambivalence around it - which is natural. Certainly, there must have been some things that attracted you to him in the first place, and some kind of foundation for the relationship was built. Probably, if you could go back and recapture some of whatever was working for you then, and find a way to do more of it now, you might not be where you are today.
It sounds like he has some personal issues he needs to work on (maybe depression?). If he'd be open to counseling (either individual or couples counseling) that would be a good start. It's certainly worth a shot before taking the big final step of divorce. A good counselor (there are a few out there) can help him/you find out what it is that you actually want out of life and marriage (Does he even know? Do you?), and to find ways to work collaboratively towards those goals, rather than feeling just stuck and helpless as you both work at cross-purposes. Or maybe you'll discover through counseling that the marriage has really run its course, and there's really nothing left to save. At least in that case you'll be able to make a better informed choice of what to do next, knowing that you've given it everything you can. However it turns out, I hope you reach a decision you can make peace with (i.e. not feel guilty about).
The fact he doesn't work and then complains about what he has tells me that he does not appreciate you. In my opinion it is not the woman's place to work and the man not. Yes I am a bit old fashion.
I stayed in my first marriage too long, because of my daughter. I took a lot of verbal and mental abuse from my ex. Everyone deserves to be happy. You may break his heart, but maybe he needs a wake up call.
From your post I intuit that you are a genuinely caring person. You are in a relationship with a man who apparently cares much less than yourself. A marriage works when both give it 100%, and honestly it sounds like you are pulling the wagon while he rides rent free. He isn't ever going to be willing to chuck that deal out the window. He may be lazy but he ain't stupid. He's getting what he wants out of the relationship; you are not. The kids are a factor, yes, but consider what you are modeling for them by your example. Times like these are full of indecision, I know- I've been there, done that. But after hesitation is done and action occurs I've always been glad I made the move I did.
I wish you peace and happiness in life. The only thing worse than being alone is being lonely while in a relationship with the wrong person
Hey all. I haven't logged in her in about a year and just now thought I would. I came to this tread to remove it but thought I'd drop an update for all of you who really boosted my confidence in this issue.
I left my husband in the following January. He showed me a side to him that I didn't want to believe was there a and I know I made the right choice. Turns out he was capable of serious cruelty. With a lot of reflection I came to realise that I never really loved him. I fell pregnant very early on and we just kinda made it work.
Anyhow.... That guy I was flirting with well, we got together some time after and now live together. Never in my life have I cared for someone for much besides my children.
Thank you all for the needed words.
I'll leave this up a couple days before taking down the post.
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