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What is the best way to come out of the closet?

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OldDog_BlackHeart
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Funny Video's I enjoyed them. However my question is,Why do people feel the need to tell. You mat not be aware of it but,for the most part we really don't to know. It's like masturbation we know it goes on & really don't want to know the details.If your sexuality isn't obvious It's more fun to let them keep guessing anyway.As far as parents go,Believe me they really don't want to know even if they say they do. Any more than you want to walk in on them when their having sex.(trust me on this one)The best thing to do is keep your sex life private.As they say what goes on behind closed doors ect: People may say they want to know but,When they find out they usually regret it.
TonyZ
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Quote by NightMan
The best thing to do is keep your sex life private.As they say what goes on behind closed doors ect: People may say they want to know but,When they find out they usually regret it.


I think this is an over simplistic way of seeing the big picture. For you as an individual it may just be sex going on behind closed doors, but for Gay men, Lesbians and some Bisexual people that is not the only case... it is much more. Could it be perhaps that the reason why you do not see the need "To Tell" is because you have never considered living, sharing your life and some day marrying a person of your same gender? Perhaps since for you it is just sex, you did not consider that for us it means not only social recognition, but also is an issue of financial, psychological and physical well-being.
Dirty_D
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I always prefer to open the door first. Otherwise, I end up with a sore nose. ;)
TonyZ
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Quote by naughtynurse
I always prefer to open the door first. Otherwise, I end up with a sore nose. ;)


ROTFL!!!
Lustyrose4u
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Turn knob quarter turn to the right.
"When its too kinky for everybody else, its just gettin' good for me."
(Kinky Freedman)
Guest
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By not going it it
DLizze
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Quote by adagio_sabadicus
By not going it it


Bingo. If you don't start by lying, you don't have to figure out how to undo the lie.

But, I understand that in this country there are still a lot of places where being anything other than obviously heterosexual will get you a world of hassle at best, and could get you hospitalized.
That being so, I can understand why there may be a great number of people who have kept their sexuality hidden. Not being amongst them, I have no experience with "coming out" and have no business trying to offer advice.

I would respectfully suggest others who have a background of experience similar to mine should refrain from making smart-ass comments to the original poster. Think how you would feel if something really important to you were made light of by others.
"There's only three tempos: slow, medium and fast. When you get between in the cracks, ain't nuthin' happenin'." Ben Webster
Guest
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Tony always thought provoking.

I just think it depends on the parents and the situation. My parents don't know I am bi but I never felt or feel the need to them. But they are also worldly people but I guess being bi I do not feel the same urge.
dpw
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Quote by NickiC
Tony always thought provoking.

I just think it depends on the parents and the situation. My parents don't know I am bi but I never felt or feel the need to them. But they are also worldly people but I guess being bi I do not feel the same urge.

This is sort of the same for me. I don't think I've "come out" as such but I never flaunted my sexuality. Sex was never ever discussed. The only person that mattered that I actually told was my best friend, his just said "yes but you're still you". I have picked uq the pieces a few times when others have come out (I hate that term). I do know that I am totally against outing a person, unless they have harmed the gay community or have spoken against it. Each individual is different so if they feel that they want to "come out" they have to find the way that they can deal with.AKwtPZcZaAJ7YHr3
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jump out on the person and starting KISSING BABE (ROFL)
TonyZ
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Quote by NickiC
Tony always thought provoking.


Aww... thanks, honey smile

Quote by NickiC
I just think it depends on the parents and the situation. My parents don't know I am bi but I never felt or feel the need to them. But they are also worldly people but I guess being bi I do not feel the same urge.


I guess for you it is more like why go through with the trouble if you already married a person of your opposite gender. But, even though I wish you to live happily ever after with your current spouse, lets say hypothetically that you get divorced and you fall in love again, but this time to a person of your same gender. You are head over heels in love and want to get married, how can you hide it? or would you still try to remain in the closet?

Quote by dpw
This is sort of the same for me. I don't think I've "come out" as such but I never flaunted my sexuality. Sex was never ever discussed.


Have you ever lived with another man? Would you like to get married one of these days? How or better yet, why would you hide the love of your life?
dpw
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Quote by TonyZ


Have you ever lived with another man? Would you like to get married one of these days? How or better yet, why would you hide the love of your life?

1. Yes
2. Only if you say yes
3. I didn't

Maybe you think that I intimated that, I don't know, am I so bad at expressing myself? I only meant that sex was never discussed at all with my parents.
TonyZ
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Quote by dpw

Maybe you think that I intimated that, I don't know, am I so bad at expressing myself? I only meant that sex was never discussed at all with my parents.


I think that coming out goes well beyond the sexual aspect. When a person comes out does not mean that he/she is seeking approval nor that he/she wants to talk about sex. You see, that is were I differ from your thinking... I don't think that coming out is about sex. Coming out is about who you are and how you feel inside.

Oh, and by the way... when a person comes out, their parents are just two of the people that they are coming out to. But other family members and friends would probably follow. I am not sure why most people associate coming out with parents only.
dpw
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Quote by TonyZ


I think that coming out goes well beyond the sexual aspect. When a person comes out does not mean that he/she is seeking approval nor that he/she wants to talk about sex. You see, that is were I differ from your thinking... I don't think that coming out is about sex. Coming out is about who you are and how you feel inside.

Oh, and by the way... when a person comes out, their parents are just two of the people that they are coming out to. But other family members and friends would probably follow. I am not sure why most people associate coming out with parents only.

I'm not sure what you are asking, what is it that you define as coming out? I've always thought it was friends and family.
TonyZ
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Quote by dpw

I'm not sure what you are asking, what is it that you define as coming out? I've always thought it was friends and family.


You had stated in a previous answer that in your family, you guys did not discuss about sex... and I replied that coming out is not about sex. Sure you would be talking about sexual orientation, but coming out to friends, family and colleagues is about acceptance. And I am not even talking about their approval, but your own. Its about how you feel psychological and emotionally speaking, its about turning the page freeing yourself from guilt and shame (if you have them) and being able to focus on life. Its about self-acceptance, its about telling others who you are instead of hiding your true feelings, its about self identity. It is a very hard thing to do for some, but not for others and it may not be right for everyone, but I do think that when a person comes out he/she feels liberated and is able to breath a little easier. I don't know if I made any sense...
dpw
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Quote by TonyZ


You had stated in a previous answer that in your family, you guys did not discuss about sex... and I replied that coming out is not about sex. Sure you would be talking about sexual orientation, but coming out to friends, family and colleagues is about acceptance. And I am not even talking about their approval, but your own. Its about how you feel psychological and emotionally speaking, its about turning the page freeing yourself from guilt and shame (if you have them) and being able to focus on life. Its about self-acceptance, its about telling others who you are instead of hiding your true feelings, its about self identity. It is a very hard thing to do for some, but not for others and it may not be right for everyone, but I do think that when a person comes out he/she feels liberated and is able to breath a little easier. I don't know if I made any sense...

Well I've no idea what I did, probably slipped out or emerged. I never felt guilty but I wasn't happy in myself. I felt dirty and I'll admit that I did contemplate suicide. Not easy this. I was okay at university but I thought I was very discrete ar I also had girlfriends. I wasn't apparently. After I finished and moved to London I didn't care and haven't ever since.
sprite
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i never did come out to my family. still, when i introduced them to my girlfriend, no one seemed particularly surprised, so... and that's not me being funny, that's how it went down. smile

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

Nikki703
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Make sure you open the door first, trying to go through a closed door can be very painful!

Not just trying to be funny, think about what I am saying. Do a little due diligence before just coming out and saying it. Maybe feel them out first, get yourself mentally prepared. Decide if you should tell everyone or just certain family members first.

Just my opinion since I never actually had to do this I never told my parents I was Bi. But I have a feeling my mom knew. I did tell my kids though!
LASARDaddy
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I am not gay. I am so straight I don't bend when I sit down.

My oldest son is Gay and my wife knew it when he was 10 or 12. He told us when he was about 21 and then just slowly let people find out. He never made a production out of it.

His mother had no problem but I, to my continuing shame, had a problem with his friends. Never him, he's my son. We hug and kiss and I love him, he's 54 now. I have no problems and haven't for 25 or more years but every once in a while one of his friends will grab my ass and I have a problem with that. I never say anything or indicate it, but I do not like it. I had one Gay experience when I was about 25, a hand job, but I didn't like it so never did again.

Be yourself. You are in charge of you, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE! Listen, think, then make up your own mind. Those that can't accept, walk away from. This is very hard to do when it's a parent though.

Good luck with whatever YOU decide.
I am always a gentleman.
TonyZ
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Quote by dpw
I never felt guilty but I wasn't happy in myself. I felt dirty and I'll admit that I did contemplate suicide.


That dirty feeling which you later became to accept does not mean that you have accepted being dirty, but it does mean that you have finally accepted yourself both on a psychological and on an emotional level... coming out helps to do that much quicker, and that is exactly why I say that coming out is not about sex. You contemplated suicide because you did not know how to deal with your mixed inner feelings, and most likely you were also depressed. You had girlfriends while at university to try to cover what you thought was wrong with you, but there was nothing wrong with you, except that you did not know how to cope with your inner and very secret (I assume) reality. Once you moved to London you did not care, but why? Could it be that a huge weight was lifted from your shoulders, as if you had COME OUT? You obviously changed your surroundings and probably friends, so it was like a fresh start... that in itself is like coming out, except that you don't really have to because no one knows the old you. There is nothing to explain. If you could have avoided those years in which you felt dirty and suicidal, would you? That is exactly the real value of coming out...
TonyZ
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Quote by sprite
i never did come out to my family. still, when i introduced them to my girlfriend, no one seemed particularly surprised, so... and that's not me being funny, that's how it went down. smile


For a woman it may be a little different than for a man. To begin with, bisexual women and lesbians are viewed quite differently in society's eyes. You guys are a lot more accepted than we are. Second, all women have girlfriends, but the word "girlfriend" does not have to imply romance or sex, so when you introduce your "girlfriend" the actual term may have been misunderstood (I am not saying that that's what happened, but it could have happened). Later, as your family sees more and more of her, you have successfully introduced the idea of her being in your life romantically in a "gradual" way. That takes away the shock from saying "Mom, Dad... I am gay".
dpw
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Quote by TonyZ


That dirty feeling which you later became to accept does not mean that you have accepted being dirty, but it does mean that you have finally accepted yourself both on a psychological and on an emotional level... coming out helps to do that much quicker, and that is exactly why I say that coming out is not about sex. You contemplated suicide because you did not know how to deal with your mixed inner feelings, and most likely you were also depressed. You had girlfriends while at university to try to cover what you thought was wrong with you, but there was nothing wrong with you, except that you did not know how to cope with your inner and very secret (I assume) reality. Once you moved to London you did not care, but why? Could it be that a huge weight was lifted from your shoulders, as if you had COME OUT? You obviously changed your surroundings and probably friends, so it was like a fresh start... that in itself is like coming out, except that you don't really have to because no one knows the old you. There is nothing to explain. If you could have avoided those years in which you felt dirty and suicidal, would you? That is exactly the real value of coming out...

No that's not how it went, I felt dirty because I was brought up RC, school, altar boy, choirboy the whole shebang. I stopped going to church because I thought it was a load of crap and if it was true I'd be going to hell so better make it worthwhile.
The depression was thinking I was a freak of nature, that my parents would be disappointed.
The girlfriends were because I wanted sex and that was the easiest option. I went to the gaysoc once and nobody floated my boat there.
It was a different era back then, there were 2 clubs and 2 bars no support network and nobody was looking for relationships. It was all just sex nothing else no emotion and nobody kissed. If I'd been born the same year as you my life would have been totally different. Better or worse I'm not sure but different.
Going to London opened my eyes to just how many gay guys there were. That's why I didn't care, not safety but reassurance in numbers.
Is there a bill for all this Dr Tony?
When your done with me do we get your story?
TonyZ
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Quote by dpw
Is there a bill for all this Dr Tony?


Sure there is, but payment would require you to be here with me ;) But don't do the happy dance just yet, I only require a big hug and a kiss

Quote by dpw
When your done with me do we get your story?


My story is actually very simple... While I was in college I friended a woman who convinced me to come out and I did, but for me it was very easy to do since I am the last child of three, and my brother who is 7 years older than me was already out, so he paved the way for me to come out as if its not a big deal. Just business as usual.
sprite
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Quote by TonyZ


For a woman it may be a little different than for a man. To begin with, bisexual women and lesbians are viewed quite differently in society's eyes. You guys are a lot more accepted than we are. Second, all women have girlfriends, but the word "girlfriend" does not have to imply romance or sex, so when you introduce your "girlfriend" the actual term may have been misunderstood (I am not saying that that's what happened, but it could have happened). Later, as your family sees more and more of her, you have successfully introduced the idea of her being in your life romantically in a "gradual" way. That takes away the shock from saying "Mom, Dad... I am gay".


nope, it was pretty obvious that we were romantically involved. i think it helped that they already knew and liked her, though - in the end, i think they were simply relieved it wasn't one of the string of losers i'd been going out with for a very long run

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.

dpw
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Quote by TonyZ


My story is actually very simple... While I was in college I friended a woman who convinced me to come out and I did, but for me it was very easy to do since I am the last child of three, and my brother who is 7 years older than me was already out, so he paved the way for me to come out as if its not a big deal. Just business as usual.
dpw
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Quote by sprite


nope, it was pretty obvious that we were romantically involved. i think it helped that they already knew and liked her, though - in the end, i think they were simply relieved it wasn't one of the string of losers i'd been going out with for a very long run

I honestly think my dad would have prefered to see me with the most unsuitable girl in the world than be with any guy.
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It was a hell of a storm i had to endure when my parents came to know about it, but they accepted it after a while.