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Project Semi Colon: Lush Style

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So I thought I'd share something. I'm not sure why, it will do no good, but I tend to not talk about this type of stuff with my friends or family.

So I left the site for about a month, and I left because I really wasn't in a good place mentally. For those who don't know, my girlfriend died in April of last year. I thought I was doing okay, and I thought that the 'anniversary' of her death might start the healing process, but it didn't. It actually kick started a sudden slide into depression. I mean, I was of course already sad, but my mental state for two or three months after the 'anniversary' was very 'dark'.

I'm not sure if I was going to kill myself, but every night (and many days) for about two months I certainly researched the subject. I've learnt so much about what does and doesn't work, and with what type of statistical chance of 'success', that I know that drinking Whisky and taking pills (my first method of choice) wasn't really the way to go about it. I did devise a plan, which would have been 100% effective and would have allowed me to be out of my mind drunk on Whisky (which I decided was a must early on in the researching process)- but I obviously never went through with it.

The reality is that I don't think I would have gone through with it. I don't think that I was in 'that' place....I was just in a place where the thought of it all ending was of actual comfort to me. That having the plan, and therefore the option, was almost all that I needed to, bizarrely, not do it.

I snapped out of it almost as quickly as I fell into it (the 'dark place'), and as corny as this may sound it happened with a hug. I have several sisters, all younger than I am, and when I was round my parents one Sunday my youngest sister gave me a big hug. As made up as I know this probably sounds, like something that belongs in Hollywood, that hug, and the accompanying smile, was like a switch going on in my head- and the 'darkness' went. Literally just went. I suddenly felt very selfish for even thinking what I was thinking about doing. It was a death of someone I loved that has made me feel this way, and yet I was about to inflict that on several more people who I also loved?

Of course, I'm still sad, but I look at things differently now.

For example, my girlfriend had two children (from a previous marriage) and I met up with them, for the first time since her death, this week. I showed them where we scattered her ashes (they were scattered in different places, and this place was 'our' place) and went to have some lunch afterwards. At lunch, her son gave me a present that he had made her this year for mothers day. It is a present that she will, of course, never receive, but he made it anyway (it was done at school and all the children made gifts for their mothers). He wanted me to have it, and to keep it on a shelf I have with other things I have of hers (including a picture of her).

Now it was sad, and the thought of him making this present for his deceased mother, surrounded by other children making the same gift for theirs, is heartbreaking. But I was able to just appreciate the compliment (which is how I took it) of him wanting me to have it. That's the change of attitude I mean- rather than concentrating on the sadness of the story, I was able to see the good part of it.

So I'm back, in more ways than one, and that was (a small part of) my story.
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Quote by TheAngryishLover
So I thought I'd share something. I'm not sure why, it will do no good, but I tend to not talk about this type of stuff with my friends or family.

So I'm back, in more ways than one, and that was (a small part of) my story.


First I was not gonna reblog all of your post...
I find it amazing when someone shares their story just like you have.
and I hear you on just how small something has to be in order for one to fall into the dark place or snap out of it... it is something we all can do I guess... for me after 4 years of being on meds... something snapped inside me when I talked to my dad before he passed away and I dropped all the meds...

but after his passing...
tho I am not in the place where I was back then, I am in a dark place and have been for sometime... the suicide .... thoughts... research
Been there done that so I feel ya on that... hugs...

thank you for sharing that side of your life and your soul.

Chica
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Quote by a_chica


First I was not gonna reblog all of your post...
I find it amazing when someone shares their story just like you have.
and I hear you on just how small something has to be in order for one to fall into the dark place or snap out of it... it is something we all can do I guess... for me after 4 years of being on meds... something snapped inside me when I talked to my dad before he passed away and I dropped all the meds...

but after his passing...
tho I am not in the place where I was back then, I am in a dark place and have been for sometime... the suicide .... thoughts... research
Been there done that so I feel ya on that... hugs...

thank you for sharing that side of your life and your soul.

Chica


Something that I never realised about grief, and the problem I now have with my friends/family who don't realise it either, is how you can't predict it or when it will come and how hard it will hit.

People think, like I used to, that the grief hits you and starts really high, and then slowly decreases with time. However, the reality is quite different. She was in a lot of pain before she died, so actually our first thoughts (those who loved her) were that of relief. Then the grief came....and it changes. Some times I'm really grief stricken, then it's just a background thought (never really gone), and then something takes me back to that dark place....it's like being on a roller coaster with your eyes closed. You'll be up and down, up and down, but never sure what's coming up next- and up or a down.

But my mates don't get that.

For example, after about 6 months my mate thought he was helping by taking me out for the night. Thinking I needed to get out and have some fun. But all I really saw was couples dancing and having fun. I sat in the corner, drinking my Whisky, knowing that there was no one going to grab my hand and walk me to the dance floor. I went out and it was as if the whole club was reminding, screaming at me, that I was single.

So going out for a few drinks was one of the times the grief got worse. To be fair to my friends....how do I expect them to help when taking me out for a drink makes me sad?!
patokl
Active Ink Slinger

A friend
Who shares
Their grief
With a friend
Will never be
A burden

A friend
Who shares
Their burden
With a friend
Will never be
A pain

A friend
Who shares
Their pain
With a friend
Will never find
Deaf ears
A little kindness can be so valuable, yet costs almost nothing

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Unknown User
Quote by kiera
Just saw this and thought that quite often this is how I am....but not at the moment, I am being kept too busy atm and doing ok.

Hope you all are too?


It's so true, for me Keira. Something I am working on with my psychologist at the moment.
That and guilt. Does anyone else do things (or not do things) because of guilt?
I can't handle it. The biggest issue for me right now and the action it needs is all centred in guilt and I know what I want to do, what I am going to do, it's a matter of finding the space, the timing, the support, and part of that is challenging my own feelings first. Ugh.

ETA: please excuse my selfishness, I hit post before I finished. I am really glad to hear you are doing ok (I have read the previous posts though I do not interact a lot)
Unknown User
*edited*

Okay, omg, sorry I have rambled on, quite incessantly. Please if you quote me, delete my words, in case I choose to remove it... too much wine and well aware I am disclosing at the height of vulnerability . If you read this, thanks so much, I don't really need a response or sympathy, but I needed to talk it out. I will try and be more active. Sinner xx
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by sweetsinner
*A really lovely post, unquoted as requested*

Okay, sorry I have rambled on, quite incessantly. Please if you quote me, delete my words, in case I choose to remove it... too much wine and well aware I am disclosing at the height of vulnerability . If you read this, thanks so much, I don't really need a response or sympathy, but I needed to talk it out. I will try and be more active. Sinner xx



*hugs* never a contest here, and really, what you shared was a lot. it's great to hear that your working your way through things - it's not easy, and yes, depression is hard to shake, even all these years down the round heart glad that you feel comfy enough to open up here, where you are loved unconditionally. don't ever feel shy about sharing again, here. love you.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
HeraTeleia
Top Shot
What Sprite said.

I'm a mum three times over, I struggled with postpartum depression after the birth of my second son, I survived.

I'm not ashamed to say that my depression and generalized anxiety is still aggressively managed by a wonderful psychiatrist, twelve years on. She (my psychiatrist) took on my OB when I was pregnant with my third son, refusing to stop prescribing the medication that allows me to be me and not a broken shell of myself. I couldn't take on the OB myself, couldn't face down the "what about your baby" questions, and so my psychiatrist took her on and eventually, when I had a healthy, uneventful pregnancy with an end result of a healthy, 8 lb. 6 oz. son, the OB advised me that she'd like to forward my records to the drug companies, so that they could eventually have a record of good outcomes in pregnancy. It's a thing.

At any rate, feel free to message me.

Jennifer
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!
Gillianleeeza
Normal Adjacent
Quote by HeraTeleia
What Sprite said.

I'm a mum three times over, I struggled with postpartum depression after the birth of my second son, I survived.

I'm not ashamed to say that my depression and generalized anxiety is still aggressively managed by a wonderful psychiatrist, twelve years on. She (my psychiatrist) took on my OB when I was pregnant with my third son, refusing to stop prescribing the medication that allows me to be me and not a broken shell of myself. I couldn't take on the OB myself, couldn't face down the "what about your baby" questions, and so my psychiatrist took her on and eventually, when I had a healthy, uneventful pregnancy with an end result of a healthy, 8 lb. 6 oz. son, the OB advised me that she'd like to forward my records to the drug companies, so that they could eventually have a record of good outcomes in pregnancy. It's a thing.

At any rate, feel free to message me.

Jennifer


Thank you for that post Jenifer. I wish my doctors had been as helpful.

My doctors would not continue medication during my pregnancies. I'm not sure how old your kids are but mine are all in their twenties and any medication then was a no no. I did okay but after each pregnancy but suffered from various degrees of postpartum depression. Since I was nursing no meds then either. I did make it through but it was not pleasant. I have suffered from severe depression since childhood and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well.

I have been on and off medications for years, but after menopause things improved dramatically. Not the case for most women but it was the best gift for me. Not to say I don't still have issues and need medication and therapy at times.

My worst problem is the guilt. Guilt I feel about my children. Two out of three have problems with depression and one also has bipolar disorder and Tourette Syndrome. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I feel I passed on those genes and I die a little each time one of them is having problems. Watching them struggle and have to deal with the stigma (still) makes me cry.

Guilt about not being there for so many things in my families lives. I am a little better about that now. I know I did the best I could with the resources that were available to me at the time. But guilt still lives somewhere in my head at all times.

A point of pride though that one son is studying to become a mental health advocate. Something I try to do as a lay person. Just educating people about mental disorders would go a long way in helping everyone involved. Being ignorant about the topic is the worst thing you can be. Read, research and when in doubt, talk to someone who is currently or has gone through some of these problems. We don't bite, I promise. We are like anyone else with a disease, be it diabetes, cancer or any mental health disorder.

As Jenifer said above I welcome anyone to message me with questions or just if they need a shoulder or an ear to listen. I'm around off and on. I have no agendas and am harmless. I do try to be a good friend to people I meet on here and I don't ever gossip or share information with others.

Just my two cents worth, or more like a few dollars or more.

Wishing everyone good physical and mental health.
Unknown User
I've taken all day to resurface here, thanks so much for your kindness, love and support .

Quote by sprite

Thanks so much. The rational side of me knows it's not a contest but it's sometimes easy to fall into the trap of reading about the plights of others and thinking that your own path is less significant or that you are less worthy of help / support. Just another thing to work on. Opening up at all feels like a big step, thank you so much for being kind and loving on the receiving end.

Quote by HeraTeleia

Hi Jennifer, thank you. It's interesting you mention about the medication, I've had to learn quite a lot about therapeutics in the childbearing continuum, could go on about how it is an issues that needs to be considered by the woman and her own context of risk, for the exact reasons you describe. I am glad you had the support of your psychiatrist to ensure you were supported as well. Survived is such a big thing to say. Yeah. I did. We did. We all are, fighting and surviving.

Quote by kiera

Thanks so much Kiera. I've lurked for a little while and I hope in finding comfort and support I can also return some of the same.
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It's hard but eternally best to be brave, for me. Especially to scary real life stuff. I will always report someone when needed to, to the law.
Simmerdownchick
Creator
Heartfelt words of encouragement and hope are sometimes the only thing that can be given. When pain is real, there is only pain. I just can't seem to fit in. Square peg. Round hole. Story of my life. I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. That sad little girl is back and I just wish she'd go away. I try to get along but I'm so angry all the time. It is what it is.
Pitty party of one, your table is ready ?

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Simmerdownchick
Creator
Does anyone here actually talk to their psychiatrist or do you just get five minutes of crap and an adjustment of your meds? Just wondering if I'm being short changed. My psychologist is so disinterested and no help at all.

I have three famous stories, 2 recommended reads and have come in the top ten in two competitions~ Come in and make yourself at home.
Simmerdownchick
Creator
Quote by kiera


Same..what Sprite said.

Thank you for sharing with us I hope you will find comfort and support here in this thread as I have, sending lots of love to you xo


Kiera, did you know that I've always really wanted to be your friend? I'd like it if we could. If not, well, at least I know I put it out there

I have three famous stories, 2 recommended reads and have come in the top ten in two competitions~ Come in and make yourself at home.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
Quote by Simmerdownchick
Does anyone here actually talk to their psychiatrist or do you just get five minutes of crap and an adjustment of your meds? Just wondering if I'm being short changed. My psychologist is so disinterested and no help at all.


you need a new therapist, simple as that. i don't do meds, i talk. i went through half a dozen before i found one that fits to what I need. they need to be there for YOUR needs, and if they aren't, then you need to take control of the situation and do some shopping for one who is

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
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Quote by Simmerdownchick
Heartfelt words of encouragement and hope are sometimes the only thing that can be given. When pain is real, there is only pain. I just can't seem to fit in. Square peg. Round hole. Story of my life. I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. That sad little girl is back and I just wish she'd go away. I try to get along but I'm so angry all the time. It is what it is.
Pitty party of one, your table is ready ?


It's not pity. I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. That you have to go through this at all. It's not feeling sorry for yourself.
It's you're mourning your little self maybe.

I want justice and maybe that's what you want as well. Or maybe you just want your voice to be heard.

I'm here for you.

Sending good thoughts and vibes your way.

You have every right to feel any way that you do. I believe it's a natural process.

So sorry you are hurting, sweetie.
Kiera
Short Arse Brit
I just saw this on twitter, how pretty is this? I wanted to share it with you all and I really wish I had thought of this when I had mine done.

I am going back to get my phoenix touched up next month so guess I could ask my tattooist to make mine a butterfly, but the problem with that is that even just that little semicolon on my wrist he did hurt like a son of a bitch lol He had just spent an hour tattooing my lower back and I barely flinched, he tattooed my wrist for 2 minutes and I could barely stand it

Hope you are all doing ok? I am off to Zzzz now so night to you all xo
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https://www.lushstories.com/stories/straight-sex/long-time-coming.aspx

And my latest poem, The Temptation.

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/erotic-poems/the-temptation.aspx
Unknown User
I love that Kiera.
I still want to get mine done, I am thinking about it for my birthday, the butterfly just gives it that something special, huh?
I think I like it espeecially as it represents a transition.

Hope everyone here is chugging along.
Came across this on my PC and thought of all the beautiful people here.

Keep hanging in there

Guest
Lurker
Quote by sweetsinner
I love that Kiera.
I still want to get mine done, I am thinking about it for my birthday, the butterfly just gives it that something special, huh?
I think I like it espeecially as it represents a transition.

Hope everyone here is chugging along.
Came across this on my PC and thought of all the beautiful people here.

Keep hanging in there



Aw, thanks honey.
sprite
Her Royal Spriteness
Lot of stuff that i've been dealing with pretty well, considering, caught up to me today. not been one of my better days and, frankly, i feel like just giving up right now, or did, until i slipped back into here - thanks for all of this. it does help.

You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Guest
Lurker
Quote by sprite
Lot of stuff that i've been dealing with pretty well, considering, caught up to me today. not been one of my better days and, frankly, i feel like just giving up right now, or did, until i slipped back into here - thanks for all of this. it does help.


I'm sorry, honey. I'm here for you. You can lean on me.

Hope you feel better soon, honey. Love you.
Unknown User
Quote by sprite


Hey Sprite, I missed your earlier message, but a couple of days have passed and I hope you are feeling a little better.
Sending great big bear hugs to you
Unknown User
To everyone,
Keep fighting, you got this.