When something you put so much time and effort into falls apart. Someone you tried so hard to give your all and tend to their needs but failed in the end. Maybe they were right? A wanna be, a fake. How did you, others who have lost the one they started an amazing life in bdsm with, get back to how you were before it all? Just rambling maybe.... idk. Thanks though.
Wow, this is a huge question. Not just rambling I think, but the flowing thoughts of someone who has truly been hurt deeply. As I read through that, I get a stream of consciousness mentality that almost cries for help. I won't have any guaranteed answers. But I can give my opinion based on the 15+ years I have and maybe somewhere in there is something that will help.
First, when you put time and effort into something that shows a level of caring and passion. I would say that means it was something that in the very heart of you, you cared about. Not just with the person you were with but as a whole. In BDSM just like in a 'Nilla relationship, things happen. In my case it was twice this year. I lost a former slave named Lindsey, when she passed away. She was truly the first slave I ever really truly loved, then I recently lost a slave named Princess who I started mentoring, but now she is talking with others and she may end up being mentored by someone else.
Why? Because that is what she needs. And while I would love for her to stay. She needs to grow. That might very well mean casting off the very person who introduced her in the first place.
Would that feel good? No. BUT.... If it is what is for the best then by all means it is what needs to happen. I say all that too let you know I can sympathize and if you will let me even at some level empathize with you.
But my concern is not in the way you will deal with the loss. Why? Because loss while tough, is something that we overcome a lot in life. What I am concerned with is that it is driving you back to where you "were before it all".
That to me, and once again this is an opinion.
Seems like it is throwing the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I mean if you still love anything about this lifestyle there is going to be someone else in it for you. If you have doubts, I can speak again from experience. I never thought I would ever care about a sub/slave again when Princess left. I was hurt to the core. And then a chance email from someone who read my posts. Sent a friend who had experienced a loss to me. And a Master deserted another incredible sub/slave and once again we began to talk. Now I have two incredible girls that I care deeply for, that both love me and I them.
Two that I think most people might have never thought would end up with *takes two thumbs and points at himself* this guy.
I do not know the extent of the loss and so I was a little hesitant to post, but then I figured, if you were truly trying to get some sort of focus back that maybe just a few opinions offered here and there and you might find the words that speak to you and allow you to move forward.
As always if you want to talk on a more personal level feel free to send me a PM.
I hope this helped a little.
If you have read 50 Shades of Gray and think that you are ready to be a dom or a sub. Then you have a lot to learn.
Follow my slave's blog slave skye's real life blog if we can get 100 followers she is going to start posting pictures!!! I know there are at least 100 of you that want to see that click the link enter your email and follow. We hit 100 then she has said she will post a picture of herself. 
