Why is it that some guys claim to be Doms or Masters when all they really are is just aggressive phonies? They have no understanding of the lifestyle. They think domming someone is one sided where the submissive just gives and they abuse them not only physically, but emotionally as well?
A real Dom cares for, protects and gives their submissive what it is they desire, helps them to achieve their dreams and goals in life.
calling yourself a Dom or Master does not make you one, your actions will decide whether you are a true Master or not
Agreed... and the same is true for many subs in reverse.
Thanks for you comments and contributing, hopefully it helps those starting out on either side
Here Here well said!!! Amen to A/all that have posted above.
I have seen so many claim a status that they have no clue, understanding or knowledge of. For Dom/mes it also takes training of some kind nobody wakes up and says i'm going to take a submissive and know what to do with them and how to protect, nurture and guide them without first learning. I personally want to know how long One has been in the lifestyle, how many submissive, why they separated, what kind of training was involved, rules, punishments and so on.
Another thing is that overlooked is the submissive and how they act in public. A submissive is a representative of their Dom/mes. I have seen some horrendous behavior that i look at the Dom/me and respect shifts depending how the situation is handled. A submissive learns from their Dom/mes in all ways from talking to punishment. I see a submissive show no respect to the One they have given their submission to and I see a Dom/me run around chasing them. No submissive should like punishment as that means they have disappointed their One they gave their submission to. To disappoint should be the worst feeling. A submissive should strive to always make their Dom/me's proud.
There is a huge difference between Cocky know it all and one that is approachable, considerate and doesn't think they are above others. A good Dom/me educates and helps the submissive grow.
Anybody can claim a status but how you present yourself is how you are judged worthy of that title.
No one can make you jealous, angry, vengeful, or greedy -unless you let him.
- Napoleon Hill
Oh you've hit a nerve for me as I have experienced this!
Something else you might want to take into consideration: Just because men have the inner drive or desire to be a Master, or have a dominant persona, that doesn't mean they are born knowing how to do it. Men have to learn how to Master a woman, in the same way that women have to learn how to serve a man. In the same vein, I might have a really strong desire to cook, but unless I read a few cook books or watch my grandmother cook or go to cooking school, I'm not liable to do a good job of it. The problem is that most men have trouble admitting (to themselves as well as to others) that they need help learning to do something. You know the old saying: When in doubt, read the directions?
Warning Signs of the NonDominate:
1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.
A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy
2) Explosive temper
3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way
4) Abuses drugs/alcohol
5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes
6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive
A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.
B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.
C) Withdrawal of affection
Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
Great replies, all.
Of course much can be perspective as well on many of the issues pointed out.
Some other things to consider for the opposite side of the coin......
Warning Signs of NonSub:
1) Claims of submission but constant refusal to be submissive. It is not about control, but role.
2) Claims of giving of one's self, but then not committing to it unless it suits their needs or desires at that time.
3) Choosing a Dom but then not putting that Dom first, or as a top priority. This leads one to believe that the sub is only after a thrill and not truly committed.
4) Makes claims of their Dom being jealous or "overly" jealous to cover up what looks to be bad behavior on their part. This diverts blame when in fact blame might be had by one, or both.
5) Claims of explosive temper after calmer attempts at communication and sharing have been tried and ignored.
6) Abuses alcohol/drugs (or is on medication to control moods, or what have you)
7) Uses unhealthy behavior to elicit discipline or a reaction from their Dom.
8) Claims of wanting open and honest communication, unless that communication does not feel good or fit their desires. This is dangerous and can cause a lot of issues for both.
9) Behavior that openly disrespects their Dom, more so in public view.
Now granted, again, much of those can be perspective as well. So choosing the right Dom/sub is crucial. Exceptions MUST be known, and frankly, honored. If not, there can be hard feelings, just like in any relationship that really was not a good match.
But I still believe that there are a lot of Doms and subs on this forum that fall under the heading of "fashion" or "fantasy" but not really into it, or as fully as others are. So everyone needs to keep all things in mind when looking to pair up.
Very much egocentrism at its best!
Now we must also remember that there are two sides to every situation and often times how it is presented is not quite accurate. And what one person might find to be one way, another might not. Perspective and complete honesty are important, as with all things. Again, finding the right match is CRUCIAL. Not doing so can cause some real problems.
I am sure things have been posted here that will help everyone in the future.
I think everything that was said in this forum is true. On both sides of the Dominate side, and the submissive side. You just need to actually get to know someone before throwing yourself into a D/s relationship with someone. Because even if you are both TRULY in the Lifestyle doesn't mean you'll click. It's a lot like dating in the vanilla scene. There HAS to be a connection, a spark, something that lights the fire between the both of you.
This is a subject very near and dear to My heart as well. Unfortunately, there isn't a "school" that teaches one how to be a proper Dom/Domme. And it is far too easy for someone to put a title in front of their name and think that makes them a Dom/me or sub.
I have seen more people hurt, confused, and broken from players and wannabes than I care to think about. What has been posted above is all good information and I would add that communication and discussion is the most important thing when it comes to beginning a D/s relationship - whether you are brand new to the scene or a long time participant. Anytime you start a relationship, expand your interests and views while in one, or make any changes to your D/s relationship, you must talk to each other and discuss, analyze and understand each other. I cannot stress the importance of constant, open, honest communication - it is a building block for any relationship and especially one as serious as D/s.
I have read all of the posts in this forum. I have to agree with most of what is being said. I also feel that modern technology is the one that must take the blame. Several have mentioned that there is no school for this kind of stuff. I contend that there is, or at least there was. Not too many years ago, when our lifestyle was not proliferated by the internet, there was a system of self policing. One had to hang around, get known by someone. If they were able to pass the initial tests, perhaps they may be invited to a gathering. Perhaps after a few gatherings play may ensue.
Another thing that has gone by the wayside is starting from the bottom. Maybe you knew you were destined to be a Dominant. You still had to spend your time on the bottom. Reason being is to learn what that is like so that when you have charges of your own you have some kind of reference. That time may have been short, but not only did you have the experience to guide you but you had other experienced people, from both sides, to guide, help, and instruct you. Those people watched and let you know when you fucked up. And when you fucked up you had to fix it, those people were there to make sure that things got fixed. If you got listed as bad player or a manipulative bottom you were out. Turn in your beanie and your tie tack.
Today, most play spaces and groups ask for little more than an ID. Any Joe/Jane Schmuck can put up a website proclaiming themselves the GREAT AND POWERFUL MASTER BATOR. Then it’s simply getting enough people to climb on their bandwagon with them. I actually witnessed an occasion where a gentleman walked into a public play space, to meet his play date for the evening, and asked what the floggers hanging on the wall were for. When he was informed, his retort was, “Oh, so that’s what I’ve been online for all these years.”
I apologize for the rant and I shall now get off my soap box.
i could never give myself to someone if there wasn't more to it then simply the roles of Dom(me) and sub. that's me, obviously, but i do scratch my head when i see others doing it. this, more then any other relationship, requires SO much trust. it goes beyond just a spark for me. there has to be friendship first. i've been in several bdsm relationships. the ones that work, the one that is working now, that has been working for over a year, is based on friendship and genuine care. the ones that are just based on sex, like most relationships just based on sex, usually fade when the couple finds nothing else in common. if a Dom(me) doesn't genuinely care for their sub, isn't doing this out of wanting to fulfil their subs needs, then it's already broken. bdsm relationships are NOT about being selfish - they are about being selfless. my former Mistress, now my sub, taught me that. she's a very wise little kitty. i'm her Mistress, now, because that's what SHE needs and i do it because i care about her needs more than my own (not that i'm not getting a LOT of enjoyment out of this myself. mmmm).
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
I think one thing W/we all must remember is instant access sites like this are the equivalent to a free concert in the park (with a lil more nudity). Even ppl who aren't really into the music may stop in just to check it out ..and if they see someone there who they think is hot...they may ACT like they enjoy it more to try to hook-up.
Not to mention the fact that there are a huge percentage of ppl who are "occasionally kinky" instead of "Lifestyle Oriented"
I will end communication with a Dom who speaks to me as if I belong to him before I have agreed to such a relationship. Just because I am A sub that does not mean I am YOUR sub. I prefer Doms who are patient and wait for me to offer my submission to them. This tends to weed out the abusers. They make some stupid comment about me not really being a submissive and then they go on their merry way prowling for a weaker submissive.
double post
