I realise I probably sound like I've recently been hurt and I'm just venting. Honestly, I'm a big girl and I'm genuinely asking.
Why do men spend time and effort pursuing you and pestering you until you finally relent and start thinking they're kind of cute. Then just when it starts getting good... POOF, they go cold and disappear.
It's not just me, other women tell me this happens all the time. Really, what's up with that? You guys confuse me.
I'm sure that is a heavily traveled two way street. Maybe you should question why you are attracted to a certain type of men. They are certainly not all like that. There is a broad spectrum encompassing men who are very shallow to men who have great depth.
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
I can't say much about your specific situation, nor anyone else's. But I think it might have something to do with the phrase, "Never meet your heroes." Often when we're pursuing someone, we've built up this idealized fantasy of them in our minds that the reality can't possibly live up to. And as long as we're attached to these fantasy versions, we're not in a genuine relationship with the real person right in front of us. So, then there comes some kind of disillusionment - he picks his nose, she farts in bed - and we realize who we're dating isn't who we imagined them to be. I've seen this happen many times with both men and women. They don't know how to deal with the inevitable disappointment when it turns out that their expectations are hugely over-inflated, and instead will blame their partner for failing to live up to their unobtainable dream-soulmate.
Furthermore, society has told us our entire lives that Mr. or Ms. Perfect is out there waiting for us, and that we are entitled to a lifetime of sheer bliss with this perfect individual, without having to work for it or ever be disappointed by them, and we should never settle for anything less. I think as you get older, you understand that this is just a myth. A mature relationship is work. It's compromise and acceptance and learning and breaking down and building and forgiveness. We all have moments when our partners can be perfect (and when we can be perfect, too), but these moments are not sustainable. They can't be perfect all the time. Sometimes they can be real shits too. But most of the time, they're just 'good enough' to make us feel content, secure, comfortable, loved, supported, and a little less alone in the world.
Don't believe everything that you read.
"insensitive prick!" – Danielle Algo
This probably only applies to me, but I've had on a couple occassions that as soon as the love turns out to be mutual that I start to doubt, myself, my honesty towards the other. "Am I fooling her just because I love the feeling of being in love so much?" It makes absolutely no sense and of course the other picks up on these doubts which will hurt the excitement of any new relationship. And trying to explain it is very hard as it just makes no sense. I don't understand it myself. But still, it has happened to me more than once and in all these cases my feelings were honest.
=== Not ALL LIVES MATTER until BLACK LIVES MATTER ===
The thrill of the chase.
P.S. If that's you in your avatar, I already fell in love with you.
because they still lack maturity and are afraid of committment
I have no idea... I guess some are just arseholes.
Clum, it's not me, but she could be my twin.
I think my conclusion is: Doesn't really matter I guess, s'only Lush.
There is a song called ' Buddy's Blues ' from Stephen Sondheim's Follies which sort of discusses what you're asking about.
There is a "Push me, Pull Me" aspect to human relationships I think. I desperately want exactly that; until I have it, and then it's the tightest prison in the world. There is a 'thrill of the chase' aspect to it, as was said above, but the more operative idea - at least for many men - is believing that suddenly you're trapped, in a relationship that will inevitably become prison-like. I'm not defending that thinking, just saying it's there.
I think '"fear of commitment" is a term to be somewhat cautious about. Most guys I know have zero difficulty committing to certain things - their sports teams, their car, making money, their recreation - or perhaps a political party or many personal relations. But, yes, their is, in many men, a very deeply felt fear of committing one's entire, or main, emotional energy to one person forever. For many men , even if only subconsciously, that feels more like hell than heaven.
For some men it's just the thrill of the chase, once they get what they want they lose interest and try for someone else. Not all men are like that tho.
fyi, in the name of fairness, women do it too.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Maybe they're attracted to the tease. The aloof girl - she who seems unobtainable.
It's easy to be attracted to something you can't have, you don't have to think about what you'll do when you finally get it.
Do you even know what you want from him?
Warning: The opinions above are those of an anonymous individual on the internet. They are opinions, unless they're facts. They may be ill-informed, out of touch with reality or just plain stupid. They may contain traces of irony. If reading these opinions causes you to be become outraged or you start displaying the symptoms of outrage, stop reading them immediately. If symptoms persist, consult a psychiatrist.
Why not read some stories instead
NEW! Want a quick read for your coffee break? Why not try this... Flash Erotica: Scrubber Not just men. Women are guilty of the same thing. Sometimes two people are looking for different things.
I know for me it has been the early 'L' word that was scary. Or, a girl starting the nesting talk of how many kids she wants.... On third date.
Since I've been single again I find most women in their late twenties to forty fall into the biological clock syndrome. Divorced and looking for a husband. Single and looking for husband. Professional that has dedicated her life to business, looks in mirror and thinks it is time to look for mate.
In all fairness men do the same thing.
Another one of those "one size does NOT fit all" questions. Different people have different reasons for doing the very same thing. SOME do get into "the chase". Others may well have gotten TIRED of chasing and decided to stop. It might also be that YOU only BECAME interested WHEN he decided to stop. (I've advised a few younger guys who were "chasing" to STOP chasing and she'll stop running and might well come back to find out WHY you stopped chasing.) But, as Gardez wisely stated, "When you play games, someone loses." So STOP with the games, realizing that ACTUAL LOVE ISN'T a game. It's caring and sharing and accepting.
I do agree with the sentiment that it's not just a male thing. Some women can be just as... immature (for lack of a better word) as some men. Both men and women can enjoy the thrill of the chase. The difference is knowing what you want & knowing who you are as a person. My own husband will tell you that when we first got together as a couple... I didn't want a commitment... just a FWB. I had been hurt in the past. Telling him I loved him was huge... even though he'd told me he loved me without hesitation.
I think Buz said it best... what is it about these men that you are attracted too? Not all bad boys become good men. And no one can change unless they are willing too do so. You can't change someone to be what you think they should become... often... the change you get isn't what you want... nor is it a change you will accept.
I know I've changed in the over seven years I've been with my husband. I know he's changed too. I do believe we have both changed for the better.
That's the key difference. We've changed and grown as a couple.
Completely understand...I started a relationship 9-10 months ago with a guy that I have know for LOTS of year and when I was finally ready to commit to a relationship he disappears.
