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My bf wont do kinky shit with me

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DanieGirl
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i just want my bf to pull my hair and choke me. yesterday i asked him to tie me up and he said hell think about it after work. he got off work over 16 hours ago. how do i get him to do the kinky things i want.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
zacholiver
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I'd never ever be like that to a woman, so I totally get why someone would not either. If I was out on a date and a girl asked me to choke her or even mock choke her, I'd end that scenario instantly and get her some help
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Cripto
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Be honest with him about why you would like to try doing these things. Remember that it may be uncomfortable for him to think about hurting you in any way. Sex is always about having an open dialogue about what you like or don't like so always choose the honest path.

I hope that helps and that you two can figure this out together!
GabrielSweet
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First off I want you to understand without any doubt that just because what you desire may have a negative connotation to it, there is NOTHING for you to be embarrassed about. Just because others do not share your needs and desires does not make them in any way wrong. Normal is a setting on the dryer. We are a sexually inventive species and not everyone experiences pleasure in the same way. The most important thing is open communication. You indeed might find out that the idea of hurting you in any way is something he just can't bring himself to do. If that is not the case (he may just not understand how to proceed) then the best thing would be to start by reading some milder stories together. There are so many good ones here. If the stories are something he can deal with then move on to a few videos. Just make sure you do not start him in the deep end of the pool. LoL. Watch them, talk about them, maybe try a few things from them. In that way, he will also see that you are serious and it may make him willing to try ....

Now if he still isn't willing my e-mail is ..... (just kidding) the most important things in the lifestyle are trust, honesty, and communication. Give it a try, just don't come at him too strong and as you want from him, try to understand his feelings if it is still a no...

I wish you the best of luck ..

Ciao
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trinket
Convict
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Quote by GabrielSweet
First off I want you to understand without any doubt that just because what you desire may have a negative connotation to it, there is NOTHING for you to be embarrassed about. Just because others do not share your needs and desires does not make them in any way wrong. Normal is a setting on the dryer. We are a sexually inventive species and not everyone experiences pleasure in the same way. The most important thing is open communication. You indeed might find out that the idea of hurting you in any way is something he just can't bring himself to do. If that is not the case (he may just not understand how to proceed) then the best thing would be to start by reading some milder stories together. There are so many good ones here. If the stories are something he can deal with then move on to a few videos. Just make sure you do not start him in the deep end of the pool. LoL. Watch them, talk about them, maybe try a few things from them. In that way, he will also see that you are serious and it may make him willing to try ....

Now if he still isn't willing my e-mail is ..... (just kidding) the most important things in the lifestyle are trust, honesty, and communication. Give it a try, just don't come at him too strong and as you want from him, try to understand his feelings if it is still a no...

I wish you the best of luck ..

Ciao



Bravo.
Magical_felix
Wild at Heart
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Quote by DanieGirl
i just want my bf to pull my hair and choke me. yesterday i asked him to tie me up and he said hell think about it after work. he got off work over 16 hours ago. how do i get him to do the kinky things i want.


Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but... He's just not that into you.
doctorlove
Active Ink Slinger
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Put it in writing, sign it and you both keep a copy. If you break up you can't say he choked you or tied you up and use it against him.

Now, maybe you need to show him that sexual acts are not to be as aggressive as if he would be if he really was choking someone. There is a difference in the act. The hair pulling is so easy to do. Maybe watch some porn that has some of what you want done
She
Marx Sister
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Quote by GabrielSweet
"First off I want you to understand without any doubt that just because what you desire may have a negative connotation to it, there is NOTHING for you to be embarrassed about. Just because others do not share your needs and desires does not make them in any way wrong. Normal is a setting on the dryer. We are a sexually inventive species and not everyone experiences pleasure in the same way. The most important thing is open communication. You indeed might find out that the idea of hurting you in any way is something he just can't bring himself to do. If that is not the case (he may just not understand how to proceed) then the best thing would be to start by reading some milder stories together. There are so many good ones here. If the stories are something he can deal with then move on to a few videos. Just make sure you do not start him in the deep end of the pool. LoL. Watch them, talk about them, maybe try a few things from them. In that way, he will also see that you are serious and it may make him willing to try ....

Now if he still isn't willing my e-mail is ..... (just kidding) the most important things in the lifestyle are trust, honesty, and communication. Give it a try, just don't come at him too strong and as you want from him, try to understand his feelings if it is still a no...

I wish you the best of luck..."


I agree with about ninety percent of this. What I would add is that there may not be a 'best way' to help him be comfortable with your desires.

Quote by zacholiver
"I'd never ever be like that to a woman, so I totally get why someone would not either. If I was out on a date and a girl asked me to choke her or even mock choke her, I'd end that scenario instantly and get her some help"
.

What an extreme overreaction that would be. Some women (and men) want to be treated that way. It is NOT a sign that something is wrong with them. It just means they have a kink. Even IF that kink originates from some kind of negative experience or past trauma. Kink is something that many people need in order to feel fulfilled by sex, connected to their partner, or even to feel safe when they are having sex. When my partners choke me, I feel safe and loved, knowing they would not do physical harm to me.

Quote by doctorlove
"Put it in writing, sign it and you both keep a copy. If you break up you can't say he choked you or tied you up and use it against him.

Now, maybe you need to show him that sexual acts are not to be as aggressive as if he would be if he really was choking someone. There is a difference in the act. The hair pulling is so easy to do. Maybe watch some porn that has some of what you want done"


I would say this is unnecessary in most situations. With a play partner, this, or a less intense version of this could be a good choice. At least until you have developed a trusting (if not romantic) relationship.

In terms of a long term romantic partner (and whether or not you and your boyfriend need something like this, I would hazard that you don't as long as you trust him and he trusts you. I do not know if that trust exists in this case, but since he is your boyfriend I assumed that you have a certain level of understanding.

My opinion is (generally speaking) the kinkier the sex (particularly where pain is involved), the greater degree of trust is necessary. For me, if I trust someone enough to fluid bond with them (regardless of whether or not I have), I trust them enough to have them pull my hair, or choke me, flog me, spank me, whip me, bite me, etc. The point where you or he trusts a partner with kink is very likely different. That was just an example.

Quote by DanieGirl
"i just want my bf to pull my hair and choke me. yesterday i asked him to tie me up and he said hell think about it after work. he got off work over 16 hours ago. how do i get him to do the kinky things i want."


I would say that when you revisit this with him, consider scaling back a little. Tying and restraint are a pretty huge bar to clear for someone who has never been kinky. Even choking is pretty serious stuff for more vanilla humans. Hair pulling is really an excellent place to start this. My suggestion is that the next time or two you have sex, you not bring it up and let him if he wants to. When he does or if he doesn't, I would recommend asking him to pull your hair (likely while he fucks you from behind or while you are going down on him. When he hears the sounds you make and identifies that they really are pleasure, he might start feeling differently.

Well, that was something of a lengthy rant... I hope some part of it helps.
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69Kisses96
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You may have to ask yourself which is a higher priority for you, your boyfriend or "kinky shit".
ChandlerAja2
Active Ink Slinger
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Just last night I entertained a group of guys and got just what I needed and will always need. But your boyfriend seems to have come from a different mold.

Dear you are very young and still in the basic expirmental stage. What you need today may be not be the same in 10 years.

Have you set down with him in a noncomfrontation mood and non sexual and explained what you need?

If there is no point of agreement.

Then either you have to waive your desires.

Maybe you must recognize he is a good man, but not the man for you. Unless you want to cheat like I would in your situation.

Contact me if you need to talk more.
doctorlove
Active Ink Slinger
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You're young and he's just a bf. Go find someone else that'll do it your way.
LYFBUZ
Troublemaker
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I'm assuming he is approximately the same age. If that is the case he may be a bit nervous that an enthusiastic and immediate response on his part may reveal something about himself he is not yet ready to share (or he hasn't figured out for himself yet.) As a number of others noted, communication is the key. I'd also suggest taking baby steps such as hair-pulling first. There may be a ton of factors at play here; upbringing, confidence, lack of experience, all of which may be influencing his reaction.
At the same age I had a pretty wild time with the girl I was dating as we explored numerous kinky adventures. It a time to explore and learn what we like, hopefully a life long journey. I think we surprised ourselves a few times when we realized we liked a particular kink.

I would caution you on the choking though. I would not combine this with any other form of restraint and you need to extraordinary careful. In my view things can go dangerously wrong. You might want to try something like a rigid collar that mimics the sensation to a lesser degree. This may be what his concern is; sounds like you enjoy the muscular types so he may be afraid of hurting you.
Good luck.
Dancewithme
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Danie, another point to consider is that, if you like a younger guy with a "V" shaped body, as you point out in your profile, please consider this: To have a really good "V" shaped back and chest-torso, takes a lot of work at the gym. Some guys do it to look good, some to play a sport, or do a job, some to set the local bully on his ass. I can tell you that when you develop your body like that, you often become very aware of what you can and can't do to others. You come to know you can very easily hurt other people without even realizing it.
He may not want to even consider that with someone he cares so much for in any form. Men like him may have a very hard time separating being playful from being violent. As other's say, "He doesn't know his own strength." Be very careful, please!!
Guest
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Quote by DanieGirl
i just want my bf to pull my hair and choke me. yesterday i asked him to tie me up and he said hell think about it after work. he got off work over 16 hours ago. how do i get him to do the kinky things i want.


First off you need to be patient, Most men think about sex more than women do, and he will come around... start with baby steps, you lay spread eagle on bed with some kind of restraints in hand and show him ,and say " this is how you can have me", teasingly, or tie him up, make a game out of it ... I would not break up with your boyfriend merely because he won't do those thing he will eventually, after has had time to process the whole thing trading a good guy for merely sex, which like anything in life can be learned and practiced a 1000 different ways would be foolish the journey will be the fun part he will come around, "you are just ahead of him" in the experimenting dept. But i am available for lessons..
Guest
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Cheat on him, and leave lots of evidence. When he finds out say, "Maybe you should have tied me up when I asked."
RejectReality
Testing The Waters.
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As others have said: Communicate. Find out if he has a reason.

My wife was seriously into bedroom submission, bondage, and roleplay. She was anything but submissive outside the bedroom. LOL It was nothing I'd ever done before, ( sexually ) and even though she'd talked about it, when she edged that way the first time for real, I balked.

I'm a D&D nerd from way back who played all sorts of twisted and evil characters, so it's not as if I had nothing to draw from. I had a lot, in fact. We'd even done some phone roleplay along those lines. The thought of hurting her in any way for real, even knowing she wanted it, was just alien to me.

It was awkward and a killjoy in the moment, but I told her what was eating at me. We sat, talked, and got the mood back in a few minutes.

The way she got things started a few days after that talk was some light spanking. That's nowhere near as aggressive as choking and hair-pulling. Once I was comfortable enough with that to spank her hard enough to scratch that itch, she edged a little more with the hair pulling. Eventually, I got to where I could give her exactly what she wanted sometimes, and enjoy it myself. I had to be in the right mood, but it was there often enough to scratch that itch.

Talk about it, and maybe aim for spanking first.
black1
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Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships. this can be done by talking writing a note texting etc. Either way it is going to be essential.

You both need to discuss your likes and dislikes and then set common boundaries. all this needs to be done through communication. Without this your just going to get frustrated of which I am guessing from what you have posted is the stage you are now at. By talking it will enable you to overcome some objections of which one appears to be that he his frightened of hurting you. You need to reassure him on this point.

Assuming he likes BDSM then you will both need some sort of safeword/sign system and make sure you both know the drill. Play safe !

God luck
DanieGirl
Active Ink Slinger
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I appreciate all of the answers. Except the ones about breaking up thats moronic. Thank you everyone for the positive feedback. I spoke with him in person and he told me hes not comfortable with it. i told him it was ok. I lost my virginity to him so i wanted to explore other ways of sex. thanks again everyone! Much Love!
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
ChandlerAja2
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Johnyutah


First off you need to be patient, Most men think about sex more than women do, and he will come around... start with baby steps, you lay spread eagle on bed with some kind of restraints in hand and show him ,and say " this is how you can have me", teasingly, or tie him up, make a game out of it ... I would not break up with your boyfriend merely because he won't do those thing he will eventually, after has had time to process the whole thing trading a good guy for merely sex, which like anything in life can be learned and practiced a 1000 different ways would be foolish the journey will be the fun part he will come around, "you are just ahead of him" in the experimenting dept. But i am available for lessons..


Johnyutah Sounds like good advice. but how did you get in my head to know how much I think about sex. Just about all the time.
ChandlerAja2
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by DanieGirl
I appreciate all of the answers. Except the ones about breaking up thats moronic. Thank you everyone for the positive feedback. I spoke with him in person and he told me hes not comfortable with it. i told him it was ok. I lost my virginity to him so i wanted to explore other ways of sex. thanks again everyone! Much Love!


I could not disagree more about sex without love. Have you thought about asking him to take baby steps toward Kink>
Guest
Lurker
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@DanieGirl; A woman is to be loved passionately during sex. I would do it all if that is what you wanted except choking. Pulling hair but gently because I'd be massaging your head & running my fingers thru your hair. The other kinky things that people consider kinky that I would do is fuck you in the ass + sucking on your TOES.