I'm actually asking this question for research on a novel. I've been a member of Lush for over a year, now, and what has surprised me, and saddened me, are the number of older men with wives who have lost interest in sex.
So - I'd actually like to take on a novel that explores the entire relationship dynamic of such a couple. Only - I'm not a guy nor do I have a clue as to how such a relationship evolves, exists, and continues - or even dissolves.
For those guys who know and would like to share you can respond here or PM me, I'd love to read anything you have to say on the subject.
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Men who have partners without much of a sex drive
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Active Ink Slinger
I've had no sex with my wife for the past twelve months. We've been married 34 years and I doubt we've made love more than 20 times or had any form of intimate contact in that period. We now sleep in separate bedrooms and I can not remember the last time I saw her naked . We don't argue and get along fine basically as brother and sister. For my perspective it's totally unsatisfactory. I have trained myself to accept it this included my own release which again she will neither tolerate or discuss. I'm mid 50s so statistically have circa 20 more years I guess. I keep telling myself there is more to life that sex, but the trouble is that these days sex is all around us.
Sam
Sam
Active Ink Slinger
I've had no sex with my wife for the past twelve months. We've been married 34 years and I doubt we've made love more than 20 times or had any form of intimate contact in that period. We now sleep in separate bedrooms and I can not remember the last time I saw her naked . We don't argue and get along fine basically as brother and sister. For my perspective it's totally unsatisfactory. I have trained myself to accept it this included my own release which again she will neither tolerate or discuss. I'm mid 50s so statistically have circa 20 more years I guess. I keep telling myself there is more to life that sex, but the trouble is that these days sex is all around us.
Sam
Sam
Quote by Metilda
I'm actually asking this question for research on a novel. I've been a member of Lush for over a year, now, and what has surprised me, and saddened me, are the number of older men with wives who have lost interest in sex.
So - I'd actually like to take on a novel that explores the entire relationship dynamic of such a couple. Only - I'm not a guy nor do I have a clue as to how such a relationship evolves, exists, and continues - or even dissolves.
For those guys who know and would like to share you can respond here or PM me, I'd love to read anything you have to say on the subject.
Hi sweet,
I was reading a book,translated from ancient Sanskrit, into English. The ancient sages claim that a woman's sexual needs are 8 times higher than those of a male. The author also claims that the woman's sex drive continues into her 80's and 90's, whereas the man will lose the libido much earlier.
In my friend circle,females have sought gratification elsewhere, when their husbands have lost interest or ability to satisfy them.
The trend here in England, has been to solicit the services of a male escort, where he can pleasure the woman, and allow the husband to watch. Some will openly admit to this, whereas some may be reluctant, especially owing to society norms etc.
It is a wonderful experience, from the husband point of view, to watch the wife like that. It definitely restores the dwindling libido...
Regards,
Purple.
Active Ink Slinger
I've had a few partners that wow its great in the beginning and later on down the road they didn't seem active anymore. I have a very high sex drive and they even have told me I want it to much they cant keep up with my needs. as for now no problems there anymore.
I remember reading an article by an erotic masseuse, commenting that in the days after social security checks arrive, lots of older guys would show up at the parlor. She liked them as clients, they were kind and polite, just needed a woman's touch, not looking for complications of an affair.
There have been circumstances, too, when I've taken that approach.
There have been circumstances, too, when I've taken that approach.
Thanks for the feedback - several different things to consider.
Thank you.
So - has divorced on grounds of irreconcilable differences and such crossed your mind? Why or why not?
This is the one aspect of sex and marriage I can't quite understand: staying with someone who isn't drawn to you sexually anymore.
You don't have to reply in the forum if you don't want to
Quote by Sam127
I've had no sex with my wife for the past twelve months. We've been married 34 years and I doubt we've made love more than 20 times or had any form of intimate contact in that period. We now sleep in separate bedrooms and I can not remember the last time I saw her naked . We don't argue and get along fine basically as brother and sister. For my perspective it's totally unsatisfactory. I have trained myself to accept it this included my own release which again she will neither tolerate or discuss. I'm mid 50s so statistically have circa 20 more years I guess. I keep telling myself there is more to life that sex, but the trouble is that these days sex is all around us.
Sam
Thank you.
So - has divorced on grounds of irreconcilable differences and such crossed your mind? Why or why not?
This is the one aspect of sex and marriage I can't quite understand: staying with someone who isn't drawn to you sexually anymore.
You don't have to reply in the forum if you don't want to
Story Verifier
For me it's been over five years. Her total loss of interest is because of Alzheimer's.
When she can't remember me any more I'll pursue other options but in the mean time I read, write and talk to a few other people.
I will not abandon her or do anything to destroy what she has left. If you have specific questions, write and ask. I have virtually no hang-ups about talking.
When she can't remember me any more I'll pursue other options but in the mean time I read, write and talk to a few other people.
I will not abandon her or do anything to destroy what she has left. If you have specific questions, write and ask. I have virtually no hang-ups about talking.
I am always a gentleman.
Quote by LASARDaddy
For me it's been over five years. Her total loss of interest is because of Alzheimer's.
When she can't remember me any more I'll pursue other options but in the mean time I read, write and talk to a few other people.
I will not abandon her or do anything to destroy what she has left. If you have specific questions, write and ask. I have virtually no hang-ups about talking.
That's wonderfully sweet. Thank you for your candid honesty - your view and decision makes perfect sense.
Active Ink Slinger
My wife and I have been together for over 45 years, married for the last 43. We love each other greatly, we are best friends, and our relationships continues to strengthen to this day. We are both 67.
Early in our relationship, we both realized that I was more sexually driven than she was. Nevertheless, during the first 5 years or so, we had outstanding sex just about every day. Oral, "straight", anal, masturbating each other, masturbating for the other to watch, reading erotic novels together. The sex was great and often. I should mention that I'm very open about sex, and early in our relationship told her I truly differentiated between sex and love. I also told her I was bisexual and enjoyed sex with men as well as with woman. When we married, we had agreed to an open marriage, i.e., we were both free to have sex with other partners of either sex.
I continued to have sexual relations with other men, but not very often - .i will admit to not having the stamina to have prolonged sexual sessions with her and then go off with guys. Besides, sex with her was much better, our love raised the pleasure to a level not to be matched by casual affairs with others.
After that first 5 years or so, she became less interested in sex and also got a job that required a lot of travel. I started filling in the time while she was away with other partners - ideally male/female couples where the male was bi. Otherwise singles or multiple males. She knew about all this and I reiterated that she was free to hookup with others. The major issue was that we cared the most for each other and would prefer sex with each other. I suggested we try swinging or 3-ways with either a man or woman. For years she declined, then finally asked if I was still interested. She had a good male friend at work and they shared details of each others sex lives. He knew I was bi and he was bi-curious. She was interested in seeing what it would be like to have 2 men she was close to making love to her and to watch me with another man. We did this twice. She decided she wasn't into this scene, she just felt she was putting on a performance rather than enjoying a loving experience.
Some years later, I heard about a nude beach in Rhode Island (we lived in the Greater Boston area)and I started going there. I fell in love with nude beaches on my first visit. It was especially appealing because there was no law enforcement. There was a good deal of gay sex behind the bushes and some straight and gay sex on the public beach. After a year of enjoying the beach (in the warm weather), she finally agreed to go, completely surprising me. She had purchased a 2 piece suit for the occasion, so she could keep her bottom on if she so desired. We got to the beach on the Saturday of labor day weekend. When we picked a spot, I got out our beach blanket and reminded her she didn't have to be nude if she wasn't comfortable. As I looked up from placing the blanket, she was already nude. When we left the beach that day, we stopped at a nearby motel and made a reservation for the next night. We spent all 3 days of the weekend nude on the beach, and occasionally having sex in the ocean, and long sessions in bed.
That was the start of a rejuvenated sex life for her for 4 or 5 years. Then again it slowed down. At her suggestion we went to a sex therapist and learned some techniques to improve her enjoyment, primarily adding vibrators to our sexual enjoyment.
After menopause, she really lost all interest in sex. We occasionally have sex, but it now is really an act of her love for me, and her guilt for not satisfying me sexually. I would prefer to have sex with her, but I am not unfulfilled. I continue to have sex with others, primarily men but occasionally a m/f couple. I get erotic massages once in awhile, and I go to a gay bathhouse several times a year.
What most wives don't understand is that men have a drive for sex, both physically and psychologically. If they don't get satisfying sex in the marriage, they will either frustrated and angry or go outside the marriage for sex.
Early in our relationship, we both realized that I was more sexually driven than she was. Nevertheless, during the first 5 years or so, we had outstanding sex just about every day. Oral, "straight", anal, masturbating each other, masturbating for the other to watch, reading erotic novels together. The sex was great and often. I should mention that I'm very open about sex, and early in our relationship told her I truly differentiated between sex and love. I also told her I was bisexual and enjoyed sex with men as well as with woman. When we married, we had agreed to an open marriage, i.e., we were both free to have sex with other partners of either sex.
I continued to have sexual relations with other men, but not very often - .i will admit to not having the stamina to have prolonged sexual sessions with her and then go off with guys. Besides, sex with her was much better, our love raised the pleasure to a level not to be matched by casual affairs with others.
After that first 5 years or so, she became less interested in sex and also got a job that required a lot of travel. I started filling in the time while she was away with other partners - ideally male/female couples where the male was bi. Otherwise singles or multiple males. She knew about all this and I reiterated that she was free to hookup with others. The major issue was that we cared the most for each other and would prefer sex with each other. I suggested we try swinging or 3-ways with either a man or woman. For years she declined, then finally asked if I was still interested. She had a good male friend at work and they shared details of each others sex lives. He knew I was bi and he was bi-curious. She was interested in seeing what it would be like to have 2 men she was close to making love to her and to watch me with another man. We did this twice. She decided she wasn't into this scene, she just felt she was putting on a performance rather than enjoying a loving experience.
Some years later, I heard about a nude beach in Rhode Island (we lived in the Greater Boston area)and I started going there. I fell in love with nude beaches on my first visit. It was especially appealing because there was no law enforcement. There was a good deal of gay sex behind the bushes and some straight and gay sex on the public beach. After a year of enjoying the beach (in the warm weather), she finally agreed to go, completely surprising me. She had purchased a 2 piece suit for the occasion, so she could keep her bottom on if she so desired. We got to the beach on the Saturday of labor day weekend. When we picked a spot, I got out our beach blanket and reminded her she didn't have to be nude if she wasn't comfortable. As I looked up from placing the blanket, she was already nude. When we left the beach that day, we stopped at a nearby motel and made a reservation for the next night. We spent all 3 days of the weekend nude on the beach, and occasionally having sex in the ocean, and long sessions in bed.
That was the start of a rejuvenated sex life for her for 4 or 5 years. Then again it slowed down. At her suggestion we went to a sex therapist and learned some techniques to improve her enjoyment, primarily adding vibrators to our sexual enjoyment.
After menopause, she really lost all interest in sex. We occasionally have sex, but it now is really an act of her love for me, and her guilt for not satisfying me sexually. I would prefer to have sex with her, but I am not unfulfilled. I continue to have sex with others, primarily men but occasionally a m/f couple. I get erotic massages once in awhile, and I go to a gay bathhouse several times a year.
What most wives don't understand is that men have a drive for sex, both physically and psychologically. If they don't get satisfying sex in the marriage, they will either frustrated and angry or go outside the marriage for sex.
Story Verifier
Quote by Metilda
That's wonderfully sweet. Thank you for your candid honesty - your view and decision makes perfect sense.
That's just the way I am. It is an absolute bitch at times though. The frustration levels build very high if I'm not careful. Absolutely none of this is her fault, I know that, but it's hard to not get angry sometimes and I beat myself up a lot when I do. I never yell at her or show anything but care and love.
She will have to go into a care facility soon because I'm getting to where I can't do it all any more.
I am always a gentleman.
Head Nurse
Quote by LASARDaddy
That's just the way I am. It is an absolute bitch at times though. The frustration levels build very high if I'm not careful. Absolutely none of this is her fault, I know that, but it's hard to not get angry sometimes and I beat myself up a lot when I do. I never yell at her or show anything but care and love.
She will have to go into a care facility soon because I'm getting to where I can't do it all any more.
Take care of yourself. Caretaker strain is a very real thing!
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by realz
I remember reading an article by an erotic masseuse, commenting that in the days after social security checks arrive, lots of older guys would show up at the parlor. She liked them as clients, they were kind and polite, just needed a woman's touch, not looking for complications of an affair.
There have been circumstances, too, when I've taken that approach.
There is a definite place for erotic massage therapist. Picture yourself widowed or divorced and you do not wish to sleep around. A sexual release by hand not intercourse is a welcome thing to many people in this position.
Active Ink Slinger
I'm sorry for you guys!
Story Verifier
Quote by naughtynurse
Take care of yourself. Caretaker strain is a very real thing!
I know, I'm there now. I've been doing it all for several years now and the frustration levels get to the bursting point. I understand that none of it's her fault but answering the same question over and over or having to do ALL of the "Thinking" and care builds strain to unbelievable levels at times. I'm looking for a men's group to just talk about it and I am seeking help but it's very difficult in our society.
She'll have to be in a home soon and that will go a long way in destroying me. I mostly worry about it killing what little is left of her and then I'm not sure I want to go on. I will not lay there beside her and watch her die completely, either mentally - where she is mostly now - or physically and that will cause her pain. I am working on not letting that happen and I'm talking to someone who helps me because she cares. I haven't had the privilege of meeting her yet but that will happen some day.
Writing about it helps some but nothing can fix it really. I can not just throw away 43 years of life with her so learning to live with it is my only answer. I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, just understanding and a place to vent and talk. Three of my stories are about finding that.
Thanks for this thread.
I am always a gentleman.
Advanced Wordsmith
sometimes its not how often but they just don't want to do some of the things they would before
Head Nurse
Quote by LASARDaddy
I know, I'm there now. I've been doing it all for several years now and the frustration levels get to the bursting point. I understand that none of it's her fault but answering the same question over and over or having to do ALL of the "Thinking" and care builds strain to unbelievable levels at times. I'm looking for a men's group to just talk about it and I am seeking help but it's very difficult in our society.
She'll have to be in a home soon and that will go a long way in destroying me. I mostly worry about it killing what little is left of her and then I'm not sure I want to go on. I will not lay there beside her and watch her die completely, either mentally - where she is mostly now - or physically and that will cause her pain. I am working on not letting that happen and I'm talking to someone who helps me because she cares. I haven't had the privilege of meeting her yet but that will happen some day.
Writing about it helps some but nothing can fix it really. I can not just throw away 43 years of life with her so learning to live with it is my only answer. I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, just understanding and a place to vent and talk. Three of my stories are about finding that.
Thanks for this thread.
It's a hard thing to watch a loved one change, and I have a lot of respect for your taking care of her. Do you get in home help? There are a lot of resources available. Additionally, when she does go into a home, it doesn't have to be a death sentence. Most people who work in Ltc love their residents. I've cried with families and attended funerals (I no longer work Ltc, but I used to). I've also had patients whose spouses were still very much a part of their daily lives, even if they could no longer do the actual physical work.
Quote by Metilda
I'm actually asking this question for research on a novel. I've been a member of Lush for over a year, now, and what has surprised me, and saddened me, are the number of older men with wives who have lost interest in sex.
So - I'd actually like to take on a novel that explores the entire relationship dynamic of such a couple. Only - I'm not a guy nor do I have a clue as to how such a relationship evolves, exists, and continues - or even dissolves.
For those guys who know and would like to share you can respond here or PM me, I'd love to read anything you have to say on the subject.
Hi. I owe you an offline message. Just been very busy. Hope to get you it soon. Enjoy.
Story Verifier
Quote by naughtynurse
It's a hard thing to watch a loved one change, and I have a lot of respect for your taking care of her. Do you get in home help? There are a lot of resources available. Additionally, when she does go into a home, it doesn't have to be a death sentence. Most people who work in Ltc love their residents. I've cried with families and attended funerals (I no longer work Ltc, but I used to). I've also had patients whose spouses were still very much a part of their daily lives, even if they could no longer do the actual physical work.
Thank you. Thank you for responding to this, for caring enough to do so. That's getting rarer but I've been fortunate in meeting someone else who really cares. She's on here and we talk a lot which helps me greatly. This does too and I'm very grateful that you take the time also.
I'm investigating the in-home help but it quite expensive and we mostly live on my SS, hers is quite small. I know that most of the LTC people do it because they do care, it sure as hell isn't for the money.
The biggest problem is she's given up and I can't get her to care again. She has Sleep Apnea and is supposed to use a PAP machine but refuses to do it any more. She refuses to get out of the house and do anything. She was a marathon runner and now she won't even walk. Mostly it's lay in bed and read and sleep. I tell her she killing herself and her dog, a Jack Russell, is dying from lack of exercise, but nothing seems to make an impression.
Her Alzheimer's doctor has recommended several things she won't do either like some vitamins that help. She doesn't remember me asking her to marry me or us getting married any more.
My problem is that I adore her and will stay until the bitter end but I can't watch her kill herself without a fight. I can not lay there with her until then but I will not do anything to further hurt her and a home would do that right now. I've been trying to get her to visit a couple of our kids for a few weeks but that's taken almost two years so far to get her to even try.
I'm hoping a men's group I've found will help with the massive build-up of frustration. I've always thought the Catholics got it right with the idea of confession. It does help to just talk about it.
I am always a gentleman.
my wife and I haven't had sex in the past 8 years. She has lost all interest. She would not take hormones because of the chance of breast cancer. Cancer runs in her family. I still have desires but I have to slip around and try to find chat on the computer and masturbate when she is not around. She does not want me to do this but she will not do anything to help. I cant even touch her anymore with out her getting upset. I still love my wife and really don't think I could have sex with someone else but I will cam to cam.
Active Ink Slinger
It has been many, many years since my wife and I have had sex and it is now ten years, two and one half months since since she has let me touch her or since she has touched me. We have been married for 48 years and had frequent and [at least for me] very enjoyable sex together although she would never touch my penis except to help reinsert me if I popped out accidentally while we changed positions before we reached climax. We have our two kids and she didn't have long labors or difficulty delinering. She has never given me oral but she would never hesitate suggesting that I eat her ( we could be out and she'd say "let's go home so your beard can meet my beard") - and she never jerked me off except your two times 10 years ago when we got close for about one week; and then she did it like an old pro. She will not even discuss with me my needs and my wants - our daughter has tried to intervene with her for me and can't get any positive reaction.
In June 1991 while we were having a great 25 anniversary vacation at a pleasant resort she told me that it isn't because of anything I did or anything I didn't do that her dislike for sex is just her. She claims that there isn't anything physically wrong with her - but she won't let me discuss the "no sex" with her doctors. My guess [supported by our daughter] is that her reluctance is based on indoctrination in her formative years that all sex is dirty and only bad girls will do it - non of her three sisters has ever dated.
Other than no sex, we have a full life together, travel together, etc. and have meals together every day. and we still sleep in the same bed - but without any physical contact. Although I've considered moving out, there hasn't been any discussion of divorce.
I am able to openly talk about sex with you; message me anytime. Yes, erotic chat has been a life [and sanity] savior.
In June 1991 while we were having a great 25 anniversary vacation at a pleasant resort she told me that it isn't because of anything I did or anything I didn't do that her dislike for sex is just her. She claims that there isn't anything physically wrong with her - but she won't let me discuss the "no sex" with her doctors. My guess [supported by our daughter] is that her reluctance is based on indoctrination in her formative years that all sex is dirty and only bad girls will do it - non of her three sisters has ever dated.
Other than no sex, we have a full life together, travel together, etc. and have meals together every day. and we still sleep in the same bed - but without any physical contact. Although I've considered moving out, there hasn't been any discussion of divorce.
I am able to openly talk about sex with you; message me anytime. Yes, erotic chat has been a life [and sanity] savior.
Gramps
The quiet and always horny old guy in Sunny Florida USA
The quiet and always horny old guy in Sunny Florida USA
Active Ink Slinger
my current partner is not that interested in sex all the time so I go looking else where where a fuk is just a fuck and nothing more
Active Ink Slinger
I have a female friend that is a divorce attorney and she tells me that lack of sex in a relationship is the root cause of almost every divorce she's ever been an attorney for. She says if the sex is still good then the rest seems to fall in line.
My divorced and soon to be divorced friends and what they share with me about their frustrations bears that out.
Statistics will tell you that people most often divorce over money and I'm sure that's a major factor but without sex ALL problems are greatly amplified.
For the men that I know at least, sex is the most important part of the marriage and for women it seems to be financial security and a man they love and trust.
Men and women are so different that they almost seem to not be of the same species but that's biologically and culturally rooted.
In Europe and most the rest of the world men have mistresses that take care of their sexual needs and women seem to accept it and the wives are the life partners and mothers of the children. I think this is one of the biggest problems with American culture. Men are frustrated and women... Well... I don't really know what they think or feel but their men are largely frustrated and unhappy and I don't see a solution.
Our Puritan based value system started it and it seems to persist.
My divorced and soon to be divorced friends and what they share with me about their frustrations bears that out.
Statistics will tell you that people most often divorce over money and I'm sure that's a major factor but without sex ALL problems are greatly amplified.
For the men that I know at least, sex is the most important part of the marriage and for women it seems to be financial security and a man they love and trust.
Men and women are so different that they almost seem to not be of the same species but that's biologically and culturally rooted.
In Europe and most the rest of the world men have mistresses that take care of their sexual needs and women seem to accept it and the wives are the life partners and mothers of the children. I think this is one of the biggest problems with American culture. Men are frustrated and women... Well... I don't really know what they think or feel but their men are largely frustrated and unhappy and I don't see a solution.
Our Puritan based value system started it and it seems to persist.
Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together.... ;)
It's actually frustrating that I can't multi-quote in one post.
Everyone's given some good insight and it seems that the emotional responses depends on the nature of the relationship or the cause of the lack of interest. Everyone's responses range from tolerance and understanding to extreme frustration. And though the responses range widely - they all seem quite reasonable. I can understand being frustrated enough to end a marriage (though as far as I can tell - no one's said they've done that) - or determined enough to stay with someone regardless of their failing health issues.
I even see how one could try to stick to one response initially speaking - and have that slowly shift over time toward another.
Thank you, everyone, for responding. You've given me a lot to think over.
I'm with Master-K, here. . . feeling a bit bad for your guys but admire your willingness to accept it / address it / work through it / stick with it - and talk about it publicly or privately with a perfect stranger.
As always - PM me if you'd like.
Everyone's given some good insight and it seems that the emotional responses depends on the nature of the relationship or the cause of the lack of interest. Everyone's responses range from tolerance and understanding to extreme frustration. And though the responses range widely - they all seem quite reasonable. I can understand being frustrated enough to end a marriage (though as far as I can tell - no one's said they've done that) - or determined enough to stay with someone regardless of their failing health issues.
I even see how one could try to stick to one response initially speaking - and have that slowly shift over time toward another.
Thank you, everyone, for responding. You've given me a lot to think over.
I'm with Master-K, here. . . feeling a bit bad for your guys but admire your willingness to accept it / address it / work through it / stick with it - and talk about it publicly or privately with a perfect stranger.
As always - PM me if you'd like.
Active Ink Slinger
Dear all, I think that anyone in a sexless relationship should google asexuality and spend 30 minutes researching the subject. I did this a week or so ago and it has explained much of the last 30+' years. The prognosis is not good but at least I have a better understanding of why things are the way they are.