I have a friend that is in "love" with a man who doesn't exactly treat her the greatest. He's never raised his hand to her (YET!) but he threatens all the time. She has a 5 year old and is 9 months pregnant.
I know I'm not in the relationship with her, I can't make her choices and the question I'm asking isn't about her.
My problem and question lies in how I should act about this. I have ALWAYS been there for her. through everything. We've been friends for years and I watched her child grow up almost as if she was my own. Seeing the both of them go through this hurts me. I can't stand hearing her cry at night when she calls me. I can't stand the silence in her house because we're all afraid of making HIM mad.
My question:: How am I supposed to face her and act like I feel what she's doing is alright? What do I say to her when she calls me crying or when I know that even when she says things are okay that I KNOW they aren't?
She's my best friend and I love her but I can't stand the things she's doing to herself and her children. How do I treat this relationship?
Thanks everyone.
Nikki
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Women in abusive relationships?
Alpha Blonde
Unfortunately, people will do what feel they need to do, even if that means enduring an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately as terrible as this relationship might seem to everyone that knows her, the only person that can choose the course of this outcome is her.
My advice is to say your piece and give your honest advice based on what you perceive.
Then... just support her as a friend.
If you criticize the guy along with her, even if she's doing it first, and if they end up patching things up, or if she chooses to stay in the relationship and gets to a happier place with him, then she will feel awkward around you, and may distance herself from you. I've seen it happen over and over again. You commiserate with the friend and agree with them over what a jerk the guy is, and then they make up and recommit themselves. They end up shafting you because you are seen as someone who doesn't like/respect their relationship and/or partner.
You can support her, but in the end it will always be her choice. You just have to be there for her as a friend though whatever decisions she makes.
My advice is to say your piece and give your honest advice based on what you perceive.
Then... just support her as a friend.
If you criticize the guy along with her, even if she's doing it first, and if they end up patching things up, or if she chooses to stay in the relationship and gets to a happier place with him, then she will feel awkward around you, and may distance herself from you. I've seen it happen over and over again. You commiserate with the friend and agree with them over what a jerk the guy is, and then they make up and recommit themselves. They end up shafting you because you are seen as someone who doesn't like/respect their relationship and/or partner.
You can support her, but in the end it will always be her choice. You just have to be there for her as a friend though whatever decisions she makes.
DancingDoll,
I try to support her, but when I know the danger she's putting not only herself, but her 5 year old and unborn baby in, it tears me up. I can't stand owrrying every night wether he's there beating her, wether he killed the baby or if they're sleeping safe and happy.
It hurts to see not only my friend going through the pain, but knowing what she's putting her kids through.
I try to support her, but when I know the danger she's putting not only herself, but her 5 year old and unborn baby in, it tears me up. I can't stand owrrying every night wether he's there beating her, wether he killed the baby or if they're sleeping safe and happy.
It hurts to see not only my friend going through the pain, but knowing what she's putting her kids through.
Alpha Blonde
I feel for you... This is a very traumatic situation for all involved.
Perhaps offering her a safe haven to stay with you if she chooses to leave him, or talking her through her options about leaving (ie. staying with you, family, or going to a shelter etc) might be useful in terms of giving her a game plan that she can follow if she finds the strength and courage to leave.
Perhaps offering her a safe haven to stay with you if she chooses to leave him, or talking her through her options about leaving (ie. staying with you, family, or going to a shelter etc) might be useful in terms of giving her a game plan that she can follow if she finds the strength and courage to leave.
there is also the option of pulling back from the friendship as hard as that is. there can come a time when you can just counsel no more, cannot dry another tear. and it isnt because you dont love her but maybe you have given all the help and love that you can. sometimes people must be left to live with their choices...as hard as that is for us. then when she is ready to move to a healthier path you will be there to help her find her footing.
hoping for the best for both you and her
hoping for the best for both you and her
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by LittleMissBitch
there is also the option of pulling back from the friendship as hard as that is. there can come a time when you can just counsel no more, cannot dry another tear. and it isnt because you dont love her but maybe you have given all the help and love that you can. sometimes people must be left to live with their choices...as hard as that is for us. then when she is ready to move to a healthier path you will be there to help her find her footing.
hoping for the best for both you and her
Pulling away probably wouldn't be a good idea. It will most likely make her less likely to leave, if she doesn't have a friend and only has him instead.
Hi MockingBird, I left someone after many years. I stayed way longer than I should have done and these are the reason I gave myself to stay, but at the same time I gave myself reason to leave. Was it too bad to stay or too good to leave!!!!! I was torn inside.
Reasons to stay: sex was still good(yeah I know not great choice but it was one)
We still could laugh even after the most horrid row a few hrs later.
I can't leave now, it's my birthday or the kids or his.
I'll stay coz I don't think I can make it on my own with two kids.
I'll stay coz I don't want to let my mum down, no one has been divorced in my family.
Reasons to go: I'll be happier, less tired etc.
I can be free at last.
I have to leave for my sanity and I have to leave for my kids.
Please don't break your friendship with this woman, all you can do today is just be there for her. Tell I have been on my own for 6 yrs this Nov and everyday I have to look around and think wow I F***in did it, little ole me. I can manage my bills and rent, I can feed my kids and I have more support from my friends than ever because family and friends can come around without being made to feel on edge. Just keep telling her she can do it and you do believe in her. Give her the self-esteem that she can't find.
Please stay in touch with her will you. I bet you mean a lot to this woman.
HB xxxx
Reasons to stay: sex was still good(yeah I know not great choice but it was one)
We still could laugh even after the most horrid row a few hrs later.
I can't leave now, it's my birthday or the kids or his.
I'll stay coz I don't think I can make it on my own with two kids.
I'll stay coz I don't want to let my mum down, no one has been divorced in my family.
Reasons to go: I'll be happier, less tired etc.
I can be free at last.
I have to leave for my sanity and I have to leave for my kids.
Please don't break your friendship with this woman, all you can do today is just be there for her. Tell I have been on my own for 6 yrs this Nov and everyday I have to look around and think wow I F***in did it, little ole me. I can manage my bills and rent, I can feed my kids and I have more support from my friends than ever because family and friends can come around without being made to feel on edge. Just keep telling her she can do it and you do believe in her. Give her the self-esteem that she can't find.
Please stay in touch with her will you. I bet you mean a lot to this woman.
HB xxxx
Active Ink Slinger
I agree with LittleMissBitch, you may need to take a step back from your friendship. I know it sounds cold, but sometimes it is the only thing you can do, for her and you. Just last year my mother was devoced from an abusive guy, the guy was so bad he told my (now ex) boybriend to beat me if he thought I needed it. Everybody, even my Dad, told my Mom to get away from this guy. Sadly she didn't listen. He tried cutting her off from everyone that she knew, to the point of having her move from California to Washington (state).I refused to let him cut my Mom off from me, but she just kept sayinghow great he was even though he was seeiong another woman (thankfully Mom didn't get any STDs!) and was verbaly & emotionaly abusive. Even through the divorce he was abusive and crule. He went so far as to have my Mom charged with animal crulety. (She wouldn't hurt a fly!) He also had her falsley arested for a warent that didn't exist. (That scared the hell out of me!) Anyway my point with this is that it was not untill I steped back from my Mom, wich hurt like hell to do even though I knew I had to, that she finaly started to see the truth of this guy and that she needed to get away from him.
At the same time I do see what rxtales is saying. You know your friend, so you are the best judge on if taking a step back from your friendship is the right thing to do.
No matter what you do, let your friend know that you will be her friend no matter what happens, and that you love her and her children.
I wish you, her and her children all the best, and a safe future!
At the same time I do see what rxtales is saying. You know your friend, so you are the best judge on if taking a step back from your friendship is the right thing to do.
No matter what you do, let your friend know that you will be her friend no matter what happens, and that you love her and her children.
I wish you, her and her children all the best, and a safe future!
Advanced Wordsmith
These abusive relationships often escalate into physical abuse or worse murder. We just had a man nearby who tied his wife up then blew the home up killing her, himself and 2 neighbours. Maybe you can help convince her to leave this abuser by cutting out stories like this and showing her them. Maybe this will scare her enough to leave the abuse before she becomes a statistic
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by HoneyBee000
Hi MockingBird, I left someone after many years. I stayed way longer than I should have done and these are the reason I gave myself to stay, but at the same time I gave myself reason to leave. Was it too bad to stay or too good to leave!!!!! I was torn inside.
Reasons to stay: sex was still good(yeah I know not great choice but it was one)
We still could laugh even after the most horrid row a few hrs later.
I can't leave now, it's my birthday or the kids or his.
I'll stay coz I don't think I can make it on my own with two kids.
I'll stay coz I don't want to let my mum down, no one has been divorced in my family.
Reasons to go: I'll be happier, less tired etc.
I can be free at last.
I have to leave for my sanity and I have to leave for my kids.
Please don't break your friendship with this woman, all you can do today is just be there for her. Tell I have been on my own for 6 yrs this Nov and everyday I have to look around and think wow I F***in did it, little ole me. I can manage my bills and rent, I can feed my kids and I have more support from my friends than ever because family and friends can come around without being made to feel on edge. Just keep telling her she can do it and you do believe in her. Give her the self-esteem that she can't find.
Please stay in touch with her will you. I bet you mean a lot to this woman.
HB xxxx
Mockingbird - you absolutely have to share Honeybee's insight with your friend. In my former life I heard all of the excuses given about why the 'abused' could/would not leave their 'abuser' (Oh, and threatened abuse is just as bad as actual abuse on the psyche!!). By the time he starts punching her lights out she is just a few steps away from her own personal padded coffin. And do not rely on the system saving her. Cops and the court system are usually a sign that things have already gone wa-aaay to far, so she needs to bite the bullet, be brave (like my latest hero - Honeybee) and move on. It will not be easy, but in the long term, she and the kids will be better for it.
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Active Ink Slinger
Abuse comes in various different flavors. If the abuse I received from my ex had been physical I would have been out of the door with both my kids long before I did finally leave him. If his abuse had been psychologically threatening I would not have stayed around. My ex's abuse eroded me and devalued me until he finally crossed a line and I could handle it no longer. I have now been divorced for a number of months and am trying to rebuild myself, my life, and that of my children. My parents have been fabulous in their support
The General's Daughter
Never.
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I know this is an old post. But how do make a lady realise she is being abused and controlled by her partner. He has video cameras installed to monitor her while st home. He has now put a tracker on her phone to see where she is and wants to call whoever she is with to check she is there.
Admittedly she has had an affair with me. But we are 400 miles apart. But I just hate seeing her abused like this.
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