My beautiful, gorgeous and ridiculously sexy wife has cancer, which has eliminated all of her sex drive. I love her more than anything in the world, but cannot seem to take the edge off anymore by "taking care of myself" (although Lush comes very close to helping). I am not looking for sympathy, but would be open to suggestions that can prolong my strength.
Has anyone been through this before? If so, how did you cope? She has mentioned me getting a girlfriend, but I am certain she would be crushed. Hurting her is not an option, for me. Please don't condemn me for asking these questions, as many online posters have a proclivity for. I play music as a side job and have had many, many opportunities over the years, but have never succumb to the temptation. So, my will is good, but I'm getting weak.
I'm not sure what I'm saying/asking...
Help me.
If you are certain that she would be crushed, then be a mensch, and find some sexier stories to read here... mine perhaps! True love is sacrifice. Sometimes less. Sometimes more.
EDITED FOR ELEGANCE
Steph
(Actually, TURN IT AROUND... YOU are struggling WITH THE TERRIFYING FEAR OF DEATH and your WIFE says, "Yeah I know you're busy with your own deal but do you mind if I go get FUCKED in the meanwhile?")
Jesus LOVE your wife.
ACTUALLY FUCK ELEGANCE...
If I was holding my wife's hand while SHE WAS FUCKING DYING I think I'd have BIGGER concerns than my LIBIDO... ("MIND if I get a QUICK meaningless fuck while YOU die?")
SHAME ON YOU!
You should HAVE SEEN the ORIGINAL post!
(I TONED IT DOWN!!!)
"In Sickness And In Health..."
Good GOD how HORRIBLE some people are!
I'm NOT NORMALLY this UNKIND.
(But I Call It As I See It...)
Stephen nailed it.
You took the vows, you stood before family and friends and whatever G-d you believe in, and you swore to love her, honour her, and support her, in sickness and in health. Now that the sickness part comes, you want to throw that all out the window? Seriously, have you no shame? Your wife is fighting an almost certainly futile battle against a disease which has as its only treatment something that is nearly as bad as the disease itself, and you want to run off and fuck a...I don't know, random woman, prostitute, whatever?
Man up and do what you vowed to do, and after your wife has either passed or survived, move on from there.
Want to spend some time wallowing in a Recommended Read? Pick one! Or two! Or seven!
There are so many pretty amazing sex toys for men out there. The Sybian company makes the Venus 2000 which is a very fun toy for men. It's a bit pricey after you get all the attachments and will Probably run you maybe a grand but it's very satisfying. I have a few friends who have had it.
Then for Maybe a 100.00 you can buy a fleshlight which is a pretty good toy for lesser money.
I know it's not the real thing but if you went this avenue you wouldn't have to upset your wife.
Hope that helps,
Mysteria
Xo
And now for the opinion that will probably get me stoned. forget the girlfriend. that means emotional involvement. that's just not right. get a hooker, instead. no emotional attachment. it's simply a business deal. you have sex once. you never see her again. you need that again, you find another hooker. it's only sex, after all. not sure what the big deal is about it.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Well I guess I expected a little more reading comprehension from a site based on reading. Most of you got that, but clearly others struggled. I was not looking for sympathy (as I clearly stated), but more looking for ways to be stronger. With suggestions from people who might have been through it. My aim is to make her happy.
Thank you all for commenting, though. Even the harsh statements made me think.
For the record, I have been in open relationships before and if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't mind. However, my first priority is her happiness. Sorry if I didn't make that clear enough.
Hey. My boyfriend and I have been discussing the idea of polyamory over the past few months. Neither of us are willing to engage in it because we both fear hurting the other person. There's no way I can make him believe me, but I would truly feel happy for him if he was able to sexually connect with another person in a healthy way! I'd be ecstatic! I'd double-check with her. If you're absolutely certain it would crush her, read "The Ethical Slut" with her. It goes into the history, reasoning and ETHICS of polyamory. Great book, even for couples who aren't making that leap. I've heard "Love Without Limits" is also good polyamory literature but I've never read it myself.
Anyways, one main points of polyamory is skepticism regarding the idea that one person can satisfy all of another's sexual and romantic needs. Finding a way for your partner to understand that this idea is up for questioning might make her feel better about the position of your relationship, even if she isn't comfortable opening up the relationship to other partners for you.
If you know polyamory isn't an option, there are still ways to explore your sexuality on your own. Get a sex toy if you've never done that before. Use it in all the (safe) ways you can. Try a new technique such as edging (though I can't imagine anyone not trying this). Find other ways to use your time aside from masturbating for a whole month. I can guarantee from first-hand (pun totally intended) experience, after that month your appreciation for masturbation will multiply.
Echoing a lot already posted here - and frankly I have no perspective to give advice. I can't even put myself in your position though I was madly in love with my first lover who passed away very suddenly. I would however offer up an opinion and take it with an ocean full of salt. Be with her when she needs you the most and think what would you have liked if the situation was reversed. Lush is a great release - enjoy it and when you do find yourself available again, explore.
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
I know this is the girl's forum, and I'm sorry for intruding (but maybe this should have been posted in the more general relationship advice section, anyway).
I'm in something of a similar situation. My wife is not dying, doesn't have cancer, but she's never been very sexual because of childhood abuse by a family member. It's not her fault. Nor is it mine. It's just a shitty situation that is out of both our control. I don't try to pressure her to just 'get over it,' even though it happened years ago. That's not how these things work.
Being in a sexless marriage really sucks - something I think some of the harsher commenters may not understand. Just because your spouse has lost their sex-drive doesn't mean yours has dried up, too. You can begin to resent your partner, not just because they're not having sex with you, but they are preventing you from having any kind of sex. Of course, rationally, you know this is not something they've done deliberately, or that they have any control over. Then you start to think maybe you're an asshole for feeling this way, and something is wrong with you morally (certainly not helped by some of the comments here) because you can't manage to kill your instinctual drive for sex.
Let's be honest - it really isn't fair for you to have to give up your sexuality, to deny an essential part of yourself, because your partner has lost their drive for whatever reason. It's unfair, and a lot to ask for from a partner - whatever the circumstances. So let's acknowledge that even though your wife is struggling with her own issues - my guess is that she is also unhappy about the situation, probably feels a lot of guilt and shame herself, in addition to the medical problems - you yourself are making a large personal sacrifice to be with your wife. To be clear, this situation is also unfair to your wife. She didn't ask for it any more than you did. Compassion, empathy, understanding should go both ways in my opinion.
That said, yes, sacrifice and compromise are conditions of love. You have to put the relationship first. I can't speak for your particular situation, but I identify with you when you said you know an affair would be crushing to your wife, even if she gave you permission. To mine as well. And because I do love her, I refuse to do that to her. Instead, we talk about it. We acknowledge there's a problem, and we figure out ways to deal with it, while recognizing that it's not an ideal situation. For us, it means that I take care of my own needs, and she gives me privacy to do that. In return, I don't break her trust by engaging in sexual relationships, either real or virtual (to me, cyber-sex is the same as cheating, so I don't). Our marriage is worth that much to us, that we can compromise so that both of our needs are at least partly met instead of making it an all or nothing arrangement, where only one person is satisfied, and the other has to give in.
My advice, which I probably have no right to give, is to work on strengthening your non-sexual intimacy with your partner. If you're always focused on what you can't have, you'll fall into resentment. Instead, look at what's still good in your marriage (from the sounds of it, plenty). Secondly, give yourself some space to explore your own fantasies (I'm not advocating for cheating - but ultimately that's your choice to make). One thing that I've found helpful to me, is to write stories for this site. The act of writing has allowed me to look into some parts of my own sexuality, and really take time to fully 'flesh' them out (so to speak) in my imagination. Additionally, I've found that publishing these stories, and getting feedback from other users has been validating in a way that masturbating to porn is not. Knowing that other people have reacted to these stories, been turned on by them, and agree that what I find sexy is in fact sexy, has been helpful or therapeutic or something.
In any case, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed that you have a sexual side that is going unfulfilled at home. Just find a way to cope with it that is not damaging to your partner or yourself, and be aware that other couples have experienced similar problems.
Don't believe everything that you read.
Cancer therapy is a real bitch. The treatments for most cancers amount to an attempt to kill the cancer without killing the patient. Radiation and chemo both have awful side effects (focused high intensity radiation methods like the cyberknife seem to have fewer side effects). It's an awful disease: I had to escort my mother through that journey. It sucked. You do it because it has to be done.
Being the support for the patient takes its toll, too. I couldn't find the resources to maintain my relationship with my S.O. and establish a new relationship.
I like Sprite's suggestion a lot: find a sex worker who can take care of your physical needs if you must. For your own emotional needs (and you do have them) lean on your family and friends. doG bless you both as you walk this path.
I thought it was brave of you to post something this personal in this particular forum. I hope the jokes didnt upset you.
Lavaman, I can't imagine what it must be like to watch your wife get sick. I would agree with Sprite about a hooker and/or Mysteria about sex toys. You're not going to make an emotional attachment with either of those choices and your wife wouldn't have to know about either of them. It's nobody elses business but your own what you do. If you go with the girlfriend Idea, personally I think it might make the whole thing even harder, you will have feelings of guilt on top of what you already feel.
Some people are going to say going to a Pro for sex is being unfaithful. Maybe it is, maybe it's not, but I've never seen a problem with it and I can see only good in having a few here and there around the community. IF you think paying a sex worker is going to be something that will make you feel guilty, I still think it's a better option than having a girlfriend.
Please remember if you do pay for sex, you HAVE to take precautions. It's a no brainer.
Whatever you decide, I hope it makes you happy. Good luck.
A quote from my husband on why he chooses the actions he chooses, "at the end of the day I have to be able to look in the mirror and see a man I respect".
Best wishes to you and ur wife!!! xx
