...a new set of clothes, because shimmying up the drain pipe to clear the clog would ruin the "sexy nurse" costume she'd been wearing since entertaining at the Swiss army office party. Midway through dialing, however, she began daydreaming of another pipe she'd rather shimmy up, so she quickly...
...broke into a rendition of "Chim-Chiminee, Chim-Chiminee, Chim Chim Charoo......" whilst perusing her collection of Dick van Dyke albums. Just the thought of getting all dirty again made her finally decide that....
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
it was time to don the nurse's outfit again and rejoin the Swiss Army office party. It wasn't that she was particularly fond of the beer-swilling hooligans that were in attendance, but the mere thought of .........
...the famous, trademarked multi-use tool they were giving out as a party favor was sufficient to entice her back. She would have to remember to request the Swiss Army bladeless apparatus, because knives were not allowed either on the airplane or at her next destination, ...
...but, something deep, deep inside her made her want to jump into water, far below, and manage
her whole life as a dream because no one ever believed anything, and being so lonely never hurt her.
But, why fake happiness anymore, when any homeless dog would lick your face and make monkeys out
of humanity, for love alone, or maybe just food: but probably only people would never understand...
that if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their ass, and someday she would win the lottery, when monkeys flew out of her own. The realization slowly dawned upon her that someone had spiked her drink, for her thinking was awfully scrambled and she desperately needed...
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
...some thoughts from her past, to appear, and size up her memories, until she could be rescued from random fate.
-- "I haven't imagined you, in so long, baby," whispered her libido; your imagination has grown into a pristine exhaust, and I wonder whether...
...I will ever return to coherent thought. "Oh my God...it's all been a figment of my warped mind," she thought, "everything — Tarzan, the gorilla, the Highland fling and the Irish jig, drain pipes in various parts of the world, Dick Van Dyke, and several pages of plot twists of which I have no recollection — none of it has been real!" At once flummoxed and dejected, she...
...began combing the tangled tresses of her deepest desires, in the mirror of her ridiculously vain unconscious slip-ups.
Unreliable friends are like eating rotting fruit when you're starving: they remind her of...
..."No, damn it, I am NOT a character in a parody of a Tom Robbins book," she said aloud, to somehow make the statement more convincing. Wrenching herself back to reality, she straightened her dress and set about looking for a doctor. Clearly, she needed a specialist in...
... lingual retraction services. That little pink tongue of hers had been protruding for ever so long, and while it was cute, the tip was starting to get a tad cold. "Now what medical specialty deals in tongues," she wondered...
...perhaps her first stop should be an Otorhinolaryngologist, said the internet doctor wannabee, Lilly Flamer, who was yet to change her name to something less silly. Lilly thought for a moment about her ailing career, not cutting it in the field of medicine, and decided that in her locale, with the burgeoning University student population, she'd be better off concentrating on growing...
...potatoes, big juicy potatoes. This thought became an obsession, haunting her like her shadow. She had walked among potatoes all her life, but now she realized...
...that she was merely trying to recapture the magic of the summer of 2005 when she and Mr Potato-Head had met whilst vacationing in LegoLand. She had never confessed the torrid affair with the man who had inter-changable appendages, but she often marvelled at his ability to........
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
...drink so many shots of tequila, thus giving new meaning to the phrase "smashed potatoe"...though he seemed a bit offended when she referred to him as "fried" one day after a couple of tokes on a joint. The other thing he seemed really offended by was...
...the mediocrity of the human species humiliating Mr. PotatoHead -- that beloved Solanum tuberosum -- in a tasteless social orthodoxy where tuberacious-icons have been evolutionarily reduced in the noosphere: to nothing but revenue streams for global corporate toy-makers.
In fact: potato-toys have been evolving into human orifices since homo erectus walked proudly -- while flaccid spinach remains only Popeye's fetish, simply because his beloved, Olive Oyl...
...individually wrapped mints or individually wrapped anything. She wasn't afraid anymore, they were finally alone. All the years of waiting and now they were alone together. Her breathing became shallow. Her mind raced. He was about to kiss her when he took out THAT and put it over his...
...rigid plastic carrying case and let it drop, landing with the faintest 'click.' THAT, of course, was his bulbous proboscis, which he always removed before snogging; as everyone knows, noses just get in the way during...
...a trip to an Opthalmic Optician. Sensing she might be seeing things that weren't actually real, Lilly thought it might be time to give up...
her morning ritual of coffee drinking and toad licking. Quitting the amphibian was easiest as they didn't taste all that good anyway, but it was the java which...
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
...had always given her the morning energy boost she always relied on for her other projects like creating erotic story sites. Since she decided to give up toad licking, she wondered what to do with her toad collection so she...
.....callled the Police Impound yard and asked the befuddled Officer on the phone if they had any vacancies for her Toads. Exasperated, she explained to the Officer that surely they must have a need for her Toad, if only to drive some of those 'Toad' Vehicles that she heard they store there, whereupon......
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
...she wondered if MercianKnight actually writes his own material and finally found the answer to why he doesn't do stand up. The officer on the end of the line did tell her about a car they had there with a big "S" painted on the side that once belonged to a snail. He had the "S" painted there because he wanted everyone to say "look at that S-car go." But, since the officer was not amused and did not want her toads, she...
.........posted them on E-Bay and traded them in for a years subscription to "Prostate Examiner" under the illusion it was a US College Football periodical she could give to her buddy, DirtyMartini. Upon receipt of his first copy, DM, excited at the prospect of having Nic 'examine' him, decided to.......
"Whoa, lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English." - Korben Dallas, from The Fifth Element
"If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must man be of learning from experience?" - George Bernard Shaw
...take a walk to his favorite pub. The air was fresh and crisp. Once inside, he ordered a double shot of bourban and made his way to the corner booth where he saw a...
Purveyor of Poetry & Porn
...sexy woman who looked a lot like a friend of his on a major erotic story site. Wondering if this could indeed be his lucky day, he first decided that he should...
pay a visit to the gentleman's room for a quick wank, in a private stall. He toyed with the idea of inviting...
The same GQP demanding we move on from January 6th, 2021 is still doing audits of the November 3rd, 2020 election.
...the grim reaper for dinner, before finally giving up on his emo tendencies, and decided to be a born again hedonist instead. Grabbing the bull by the horns, with his new enthusiasm for life, he clicked open his browser, and typed in the name of his favourite website...
