I don't like calling it 'my job' - but I can't think of a better way to state it...and this sounds ridiculous but it's really getting to me. I'm at a point where I'm starting to lose my cool with him over this. We've been together for ten years and never before have we dealt with this kind of stuff.
My husband was gone for about a year on military duty - he was stateside, we saw each other at last once a month. Now that he's back, he's slowly taking over "my jobs" and it's really getting to me.
1) Food I buy is 'never enough' or 'never the right stuff' - No matter what I buy when I go grocery shopping, he always wants to eat something I didn't buy. Asparagus with dinner (though we've never eaten it before.) He'll want pork chops when I bought meat for 7 meals and skipped the pork chops this time. Regular potatoes when I didn't buy more because the week before we didn't eat any.
Instead of making do with what I DID buy (which is usually a lot of food, we have two fridges packed - I am already a food hoarder), he'll go to the store on his way home from work, without telling me or asking me about anything, and will spend $20, $40, $80 on random food items though we have a LOT of food in the house. Last week I spent $250 at the grocery store - and over several food-shopping trips since then, he's spent over $100 on extra. Some things were items we already had, but because he didnt ask about it - he didn't know.
I've tried to counter this new problem asking him 'what should I buy' or 'what do you want to eat this week' before I head to the store - and he has no input at all. His established habit: he will ask me at 10am on some random weekday 'what are you going to fix for dinner tonight?' - Even though I, never once, have planned ahead. I walk into the kitchen, look at what we have, and fix something. For 10 years of marriage, this was always sufficient for the family. Supposedly - I was a good cook. (his words). I don't do recipes out of books like he does, I refuse to do so - it adds an extra 30 minutes to meal-prep. I think when I spent 1 - 2 hours on my own, that's plenty.
2) On top of that - while he was gone for the year he became used to eating dinner earlier, and we adjusted to dinner later - so now he wants dinner to start around 5. If I'm not in there by 5:30 to cook - he'll get in there and start fixing dinner. Before he left, though, he was never home by 5 - I've never had to try to start dinner so dang early in the evening. And now that we're eating around 5:30 or 6:00 - he's hungry by 11:00 . . . and will fix himself a small meal afterward.
So him suddenly doing ALL of the cooking at night has now made him complain about how I arranged all the cabinets. He doesn't know hwere things are, so he's rearranging it all to suit his tastes. . .and expects me to learn his 'new system'
3) Cleaning - he's actually cleaning stuff. When did he start caring if the house was clean? He use to make fun of me for keeping after certain messes.
4) Lawncare - Hello, I like mowing the lawn, I split this major chore (1 acre) with the kids. . . he's taking over that, too.
5) He doesn't eat leftovers - since he's not used to proportioning for a family of 6, he's always overcooking. His late-night meal is never leftovers, though. In fact, he's taken to throwing leftovers away. He's never eaten leftovers, he's always willing to trash them.
6) Laundry - a few months ago the ring on the washer was damaged. I started to go to the laundromat and found that to be such a time saver that I just kept doing that. Since the laundromat is near where he works, he comes over - and now that he's 'involved' in the laundry he now 'has an opinion on how it should all REALLY be done' Even though - for 10 years - he washed his military uniform and I did everything else without a sliver of help or input.
See . . . I could go on - and on. All this comes down to is that after 10 years of marriage and our set routine - I do not appreciate being demoted to doing nothing. He's taking over everything I do and it's driving me freaking insane. Especially when he goes grocery shopping randomly . . . $300 at the grocery store when I go isn't good enough?
This is akin to me showing up at his work, criticizing everything he's doing, and interjecting myself into his job, you see?
I think aliens abducted my husband while he was in the Oklahoma desert and they failed to return him in working order. How do I tell him "thanks - but quit this shit before I flip out?" without hurting his feelings?
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My husband's 'taking over my job' - and driving me nuts
Active Ink Slinger
Well isn't this just the epitome of what marriage is all about!
I know about the food efficiency things, my wife overbuys and wastes an awful lot and never plans anything, not as far as I can tell.
If my wife wants to do jobs and own them I'm fine with that. If she wanted to do ALL the jobs and own them, that's ok too. What I would not want is for her to say she's going to do a job, then expect me to assist her, following petty instructions. If that were the case, I'd tell her that either you or I do it, but don't go barking orders at me.
"This is akin to me showing up at his work, criticizing everything he's doing, and interjecting myself into his job, you see?"
For the most part, we seem to have found our niches though and don't tread on each other's toes too much. Then again, we've been cooped up in the same cooking pot for 15 years.
If all else fails, send him back to the aliens for repair.
Your question is hard to answer. It's almost like asking, "how can two people get along in marriage?"
I know about the food efficiency things, my wife overbuys and wastes an awful lot and never plans anything, not as far as I can tell.
If my wife wants to do jobs and own them I'm fine with that. If she wanted to do ALL the jobs and own them, that's ok too. What I would not want is for her to say she's going to do a job, then expect me to assist her, following petty instructions. If that were the case, I'd tell her that either you or I do it, but don't go barking orders at me.
"This is akin to me showing up at his work, criticizing everything he's doing, and interjecting myself into his job, you see?"
For the most part, we seem to have found our niches though and don't tread on each other's toes too much. Then again, we've been cooped up in the same cooking pot for 15 years.
If all else fails, send him back to the aliens for repair.
Your question is hard to answer. It's almost like asking, "how can two people get along in marriage?"
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Quote by paul_moadib
Well isn't this just the epitome of what marriage is all about!
I know about the food efficiency things, my wife overbuys and wastes an awful lot and never plans anything, not as far as I can tell.
If my wife wants to do jobs and own them I'm fine with that. If she wanted to do ALL the jobs and own them, that's ok too. What I would not want is for her to say she's going to do a job, then expect me to assist her, following petty instructions. If that were the case, I'd tell her that either you or I do it, but don't go barking orders at me.
"This is akin to me showing up at his work, criticizing everything he's doing, and interjecting myself into his job, you see?"
For the most part, we seem to have found our niches though and don't tread on each other's toes too much. Then again, we've been cooped up in the same cooking pot for 15 years.
If all else fails, send him back to the aliens for repair.
Your question is hard to answer. It's almost like asking, "how can two people get along in marriage?"
Thanks for reading/responding. So, how can two people get along in marriage?
I asked him why he wants to do all the cooking. His answer baffled me, "IT'S STRESSFUL."
It's stressful? Are you kidding me. So he made me feel worthless so he could be STRESSED? He's stressing me out so he can be stressed? (And he's slowly draining our savings account. I shop ON BUDGET - and his spending put us over budget, so I had to transfer money from savings so we wouldn't go in the hole...and he still bought $50 in food last night! Where's the ice-pick - my eyes are coming out! That's over $300.00 in food since I went to the store - and it's not even the weekend, yet. all the food I did buy = going uneaten.)
This is role reversal - I can't stand it. He's out tonight and I'm back in. I know this seems like we're old fuddies from the 1950's or something, most people think modern women abhor social gender norms but, evidently, I do not. I don't like arguing with him and bossing him around - that's out of my comfort zone. But there's only so much I can 'go along with'
Laundry
Grocery Shopping
Cooking
Cleaning
Ironing
Home Improvement
Lawncare
= My niche!
Her Royal Spriteness
ok, not sure if this will be helpful or not, and you DID say he was stateside, but to me it sounds somewhat like PTSD or something else on the mental/emotional spectrum. it doesn't even have to have a big trigger - simply having been separated from the home, his family, perhaps he's finding it difficult to find his place there? he's been living in, what i imagine, is a fairly regimented lifestyle - while you've been at home taking care of everything - it might simply be that he feels the need to be useful, and isn't sure how to go about doing it? also, perhaps something happened that he hasn't shared, that changed his behavior? that's something only he'd be able to tell you, obviously - i think that, the best thing to do, would be to simply sit down and talk about what's going on, if he's willing - might also want to consider couples therapy - i mean, seriously, it's usually best to get to the root of the problem when it's still a small problem, not before it become a bigger one. sometimes, is a partner feels like their life is out of control, they do things that they think we'll give them control again - sounds like your husband needs to feel like he's in control - that's where i'd start - find out why he feels out of control in the first place.
btw, this is not an informed opinion - i'm not a shrink or even close to it - just some thought based on personal experience - hope it helps, tho.
btw, this is not an informed opinion - i'm not a shrink or even close to it - just some thought based on personal experience - hope it helps, tho.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Cryptic Vigilante
To be honest, it is a bit hard to judge your situation as I don't have a whole perspective of your relationship, but a few possibilities came to my mind when reading your posts :
1) He might simply be acting this way out of good intentions
Maybe he's really trying to help you, but isn't aware that some of the jobs he does 'invade' your personal territory. Have you spoken to him about the fact that it bothers you? As I said, I don't know your whole situation, but maybe he has more time to invest on these things and figured he might as well do chores than watch the TV. Also when he said that cooking was STRESSFUL, didn't he meant he thought that is was stressful for you too, and he was doing it to relieve you from that stress?
A solution to this might be to arrange the tasks in a way that both of you see fit. Maybe being away for a while gave him a different perspective of his involvement with these tasks, and he figured this might be a good opportunity to redefine both of your roles in the house. As 'proud' as you can feel when performing different chores, maybe he too would like to feel proud about keeping a decent household.
For example, when preparing the evening meal, he could do minor tasks to help you before you actually return home and begin cooking per se ; getting the meat out of the freezer, peeling potatoes, cutting vegetables, etc. Then when you arrive, you could still enjoy cooking the meal but some of the more 'basic' tasks would already have been performed to save you time.
2) He might want to be more independant
Maybe getting away from home for some time made him realize he can take care of some tasks better than he intially thought. Maybe he found some enjoyement/pride from cooking for himself, taking care of his own clothes (laundry), etc. Now that he has returned home, he might want to keep this independance, but act it out awkwardly.
The same solution would apply here : find a way to arrange the tasks in a way that both of you see fit. If he enjoys cooking once in a while, you could let him do so 1-2 days a week ; in that case, you could plan your grocery list with 1-2 meals less to consider, and let him buy his food as he sees fit (he seems to enjoy improvising in that matter). That way, both of your grocery purchases would complement each other, rather than buying too much food and seeing some of it go to waste.
This is simply an example of how you could handle it, not a definitive solution. It can be hard for you to establish new routines in your daily chores after 10 years of marriage, but maybe some reconsiderations might be beneficial in the long run.
3) He might do this to evacuate some resentment he has toward you
Maybe he simply figured out acting this way gets on your nerves, and do so more or less consciously to signify some other issues he might perceive with you. If this is the case, it would be hard to give you a solution, as many things could be the cause. Maybe he feels some boredom from your marriage, doesn't feel cherished, isn't sexually satisfied, etc. The initial problem can also be something that doesn't concern you at all, and he simply figured acting this way lets him evacuate some random personal frustrations.
Really, the best thing to do would be to talk to him about your concerns. There's nothing wrong with having something that bothers you about his new way of acting. Just tell him how you feel about it, and if he's just half a decent husband he will surely listen to your complaints. I'm sure you both can figure a solution out of this.
I hope I helped somehow.
1) He might simply be acting this way out of good intentions
Maybe he's really trying to help you, but isn't aware that some of the jobs he does 'invade' your personal territory. Have you spoken to him about the fact that it bothers you? As I said, I don't know your whole situation, but maybe he has more time to invest on these things and figured he might as well do chores than watch the TV. Also when he said that cooking was STRESSFUL, didn't he meant he thought that is was stressful for you too, and he was doing it to relieve you from that stress?
A solution to this might be to arrange the tasks in a way that both of you see fit. Maybe being away for a while gave him a different perspective of his involvement with these tasks, and he figured this might be a good opportunity to redefine both of your roles in the house. As 'proud' as you can feel when performing different chores, maybe he too would like to feel proud about keeping a decent household.
For example, when preparing the evening meal, he could do minor tasks to help you before you actually return home and begin cooking per se ; getting the meat out of the freezer, peeling potatoes, cutting vegetables, etc. Then when you arrive, you could still enjoy cooking the meal but some of the more 'basic' tasks would already have been performed to save you time.
2) He might want to be more independant
Maybe getting away from home for some time made him realize he can take care of some tasks better than he intially thought. Maybe he found some enjoyement/pride from cooking for himself, taking care of his own clothes (laundry), etc. Now that he has returned home, he might want to keep this independance, but act it out awkwardly.
The same solution would apply here : find a way to arrange the tasks in a way that both of you see fit. If he enjoys cooking once in a while, you could let him do so 1-2 days a week ; in that case, you could plan your grocery list with 1-2 meals less to consider, and let him buy his food as he sees fit (he seems to enjoy improvising in that matter). That way, both of your grocery purchases would complement each other, rather than buying too much food and seeing some of it go to waste.
This is simply an example of how you could handle it, not a definitive solution. It can be hard for you to establish new routines in your daily chores after 10 years of marriage, but maybe some reconsiderations might be beneficial in the long run.
3) He might do this to evacuate some resentment he has toward you
Maybe he simply figured out acting this way gets on your nerves, and do so more or less consciously to signify some other issues he might perceive with you. If this is the case, it would be hard to give you a solution, as many things could be the cause. Maybe he feels some boredom from your marriage, doesn't feel cherished, isn't sexually satisfied, etc. The initial problem can also be something that doesn't concern you at all, and he simply figured acting this way lets him evacuate some random personal frustrations.
Really, the best thing to do would be to talk to him about your concerns. There's nothing wrong with having something that bothers you about his new way of acting. Just tell him how you feel about it, and if he's just half a decent husband he will surely listen to your complaints. I'm sure you both can figure a solution out of this.
I hope I helped somehow.
Good input, everyone.
The one thing I didn't want to do was this: "First week of school I get over emotional because 'the kids don't need me anymore' and take it out on my husband via this as some sort of a channel for that emotional ooze."
So that's why I wanted to yap about it and sit on it before saying anything.
PTSD - Oddly, I've described some of his behaviors since he came back as being like "Separation Anxiety" (like - how a child behaves when they start going to daycare/school and they don't like the idea of being away from Mommy) - like showing up at the laundromat and coming with me any time I need to leave the house (go to the bank, go to the dollar store in town to buy maxi pads) If I'm leaving, he's there. If I'm gone - he'll show up if he can. This is entirely opposite how he use to be . . . So you might have something there, Sprite.
Need to be in control - yes, I would say this is definitely just like him. In fact, this is what I'm used to. If this is how he's feeling then he's expressing it differently than he use to. Drinking or cooking? I don't know why I'm sitting here claiming I'd prefer his drinking (maybe he's not the only one with issues). He described his time away as "being in a prison" - so maybe he came to miss some things he never thought he missed before.
Resentment - if he had issues with me he's not the type of guy to keep that to himself, ever. Which is why I'm lost - usually he tells me what's on his mind.
So - my comment to the 'resentment' made me wonder if he said something to me along the way (in the last few weeks) and I missed it because I was too busy being peeved to listen. . . .or something he said over the last year that would have given me some insight into what's going in his head. . .and the thing I can come up with is guilt.
Maybe he feels bad that his health issues took him away from the family for so long - it was stressful on everyone. Unlike a deployment where you know there's a mission, a goal, and an end in sight. When they sent him off last year it wasn't because he had a mission, or an assignment. . .he was sent away for a month, and that turned into six weeks . . . and then three month . . . and before we knew it, stressfully, a year passed. We had to put the business plans on hold, alter our entire lives, and while he was gone we had a lot of near-tragedies happen. Our youngest son almost died, our two older children suffered from depression and both tried to commit suicide.
In large part - he felt like everything that happened was all his fault (though it wasn't). I do remember him saying stuff like that when everything was upside down.
My attitude about him coming home has been: "Everything's back to normal!" . . . . only, obviously, it's not. Everything's different for him. The kids are two years older, I've gained some weight, the house looks different because I've continue renovations, I've set up a new banking system, the lawn even looks different, two of his friends died while he was away, and I've become more independent and less 'clingy' - and some of his health issues worsened, while others improved (with medication). To me things changed slowly, along a normal pace. For him - everything's suddenly not what it use to be.
Talk to him? I will - I just don't want to A) come at him too strongly and hurt his feelings / offend him when he meant nothing by his actions. B) Stab him in the back and tell him he's not appreciated, because that's not my intention here. C) Being an overemotional, thoughtless bitch just isn't my style and whatever I say needs to be well though out, and not emotionally charged. D) Because I've changed (I can tell I have) I need to take that into consideration, too.
All in all - now I'm wondering why I don't want to be in there with him when he's cooking. . . because I . . . ? I don't know why that seems like an ick thing. Like: I'm so used to being without help that I don't want help when it's offered? - lol - I have issues if that's all this boils down to.
Couples therapy? I think that's a good idea.
Heck - after writing all that out, it seems like family therapy is a good idea.
The one thing I didn't want to do was this: "First week of school I get over emotional because 'the kids don't need me anymore' and take it out on my husband via this as some sort of a channel for that emotional ooze."
So that's why I wanted to yap about it and sit on it before saying anything.
PTSD - Oddly, I've described some of his behaviors since he came back as being like "Separation Anxiety" (like - how a child behaves when they start going to daycare/school and they don't like the idea of being away from Mommy) - like showing up at the laundromat and coming with me any time I need to leave the house (go to the bank, go to the dollar store in town to buy maxi pads) If I'm leaving, he's there. If I'm gone - he'll show up if he can. This is entirely opposite how he use to be . . . So you might have something there, Sprite.
Need to be in control - yes, I would say this is definitely just like him. In fact, this is what I'm used to. If this is how he's feeling then he's expressing it differently than he use to. Drinking or cooking? I don't know why I'm sitting here claiming I'd prefer his drinking (maybe he's not the only one with issues). He described his time away as "being in a prison" - so maybe he came to miss some things he never thought he missed before.
Resentment - if he had issues with me he's not the type of guy to keep that to himself, ever. Which is why I'm lost - usually he tells me what's on his mind.
So - my comment to the 'resentment' made me wonder if he said something to me along the way (in the last few weeks) and I missed it because I was too busy being peeved to listen. . . .or something he said over the last year that would have given me some insight into what's going in his head. . .and the thing I can come up with is guilt.
Maybe he feels bad that his health issues took him away from the family for so long - it was stressful on everyone. Unlike a deployment where you know there's a mission, a goal, and an end in sight. When they sent him off last year it wasn't because he had a mission, or an assignment. . .he was sent away for a month, and that turned into six weeks . . . and then three month . . . and before we knew it, stressfully, a year passed. We had to put the business plans on hold, alter our entire lives, and while he was gone we had a lot of near-tragedies happen. Our youngest son almost died, our two older children suffered from depression and both tried to commit suicide.
In large part - he felt like everything that happened was all his fault (though it wasn't). I do remember him saying stuff like that when everything was upside down.
My attitude about him coming home has been: "Everything's back to normal!" . . . . only, obviously, it's not. Everything's different for him. The kids are two years older, I've gained some weight, the house looks different because I've continue renovations, I've set up a new banking system, the lawn even looks different, two of his friends died while he was away, and I've become more independent and less 'clingy' - and some of his health issues worsened, while others improved (with medication). To me things changed slowly, along a normal pace. For him - everything's suddenly not what it use to be.
Talk to him? I will - I just don't want to A) come at him too strongly and hurt his feelings / offend him when he meant nothing by his actions. B) Stab him in the back and tell him he's not appreciated, because that's not my intention here. C) Being an overemotional, thoughtless bitch just isn't my style and whatever I say needs to be well though out, and not emotionally charged. D) Because I've changed (I can tell I have) I need to take that into consideration, too.
All in all - now I'm wondering why I don't want to be in there with him when he's cooking. . . because I . . . ? I don't know why that seems like an ick thing. Like: I'm so used to being without help that I don't want help when it's offered? - lol - I have issues if that's all this boils down to.
Couples therapy? I think that's a good idea.
Heck - after writing all that out, it seems like family therapy is a good idea.
Mazztastic
I agree with what Sprite said, from what you've described, it sounds to me like he is trying to find ways to not only make himself useful/worthy, but to control his day-to-day routine.
I wonder too if there's an element of his having been institutionalized playing a part here as well?
I'd say the most important thing is obviously to talk to him and explain how you feel and how it's affecting life at home for you and the kids. But I do wonder if it's indicative of something deeper going on for your husband?
I'm sure that this sort of thing must be quite common for people exiting the army or similar, perhaps there's someone (from the army) with whom he/you could talk? I could be wrong of course, but talking with him must be a way forward.
Good luck!
xx
EDIT:
What I do, which may or may not help, is to have a list pinned to the fridge - if it's not on the list, it doesn't get bought. Hubby and the kids learned pretty quickly to keep it up to date and if hubby does the shopping, he knows only to buy what's written there.
I wonder too if there's an element of his having been institutionalized playing a part here as well?
I'd say the most important thing is obviously to talk to him and explain how you feel and how it's affecting life at home for you and the kids. But I do wonder if it's indicative of something deeper going on for your husband?
I'm sure that this sort of thing must be quite common for people exiting the army or similar, perhaps there's someone (from the army) with whom he/you could talk? I could be wrong of course, but talking with him must be a way forward.
Good luck!
xx
EDIT:
What I do, which may or may not help, is to have a list pinned to the fridge - if it's not on the list, it doesn't get bought. Hubby and the kids learned pretty quickly to keep it up to date and if hubby does the shopping, he knows only to buy what's written there.
Cryptic Vigilante
Quote by Metilda
Talk to him? I will - I just don't want to
A) come at him too strongly and hurt his feelings / offend him when he meant nothing by his actions.
B) Stab him in the back and tell him he's not appreciated, because that's not my intention here.
C) Being an overemotional, thoughtless bitch just isn't my style and whatever I say needs to be well though out, and not emotionally charged.
D) Because I've changed (I can tell I have) I need to take that into consideration, too.
I really think having a good conversation with him is necessary ; the sooner the better. The more you wait, the more you'll create false assumptions and become emotionally charged.
About therapy : if anything, I do think that you (and your husband) might have communication issues. I don't mean this to offend you in any way, but from reading your posts it seems it could be the case. You're asking for our opinions here, yet I have this feeling you didn't talk about this much with your husband when he should be the first one to hear it out. It seems like talking about this with him makes you uncomfortable and you also seem to doubt your ability to put your thoughts/feelings into words ; you also seem to doubt your husband's ability to receive and understand your concerns. It shouldn't be that way.
Couple therapy could easily help you out if this is the case. You might not actually be that bad at sharing concerns with him, but the most communication skills the better. This can prevent many other problems from occuring in your couple. Let's face it, a lot of your preoccupations appear rather minor (chores, etc), yet you seem to have a hard time expressing and resolving these. Your husband seems like quite a decent person (from what you've described), so I'm sure he won't be totally closed to the idea.
Good luck!
Her Royal Spriteness
something else to consider, too, Metilda - YOU have changed as well - essentially, you've been single for 2 years, in a sense. that's got to be strange for both of you to have him home now - he probably feels out of place, and he probably also seems out of place - it might be a matter of both of you needing more time to adjust and get used to him being home.
You can’t truly call yourself peaceful unless you are capable of violence. If you’re not capable of violence, you’re not peaceful. You’re harmless.
Cryptic Vigilante
Quote by sprite
something else to consider, too, Metilda - YOU have changed as well - essentially, you've been single for 2 years, in a sense. that's got to be strange for both of you to have him home now - he probably feels out of place, and he probably also seems out of place - it might be a matter of both of you needing more time to adjust and get used to him being home.
I was going to say this too. Maybe him being away was perceived differently by the both of you. You may have become more independant while he realized you're imporant to him and don't want to lose you.
I think he has been in such a structured life that when he DIDNT have control in the military
now he CRAVES it
see you are told what when how etc in the military
does he work?
he sounds like he has a LOT of time on his hands
and if he does work he needs a hobby that does not include you(he needs one!)
so you both need to sit down and hash this out
you were basically a single mom while he was deployed
so you got used to doing things YOUR way
and now he is home he wants to do things HIS way
if you cannot sit down and divvy up the chores
then you have to get help from a therapist
I suspect he has issues anyway
did he do any kind of engineering in the military
he sounds like my kids father
I swear I would go away on vacation and wham my kitchen would be rearranged(drove me so mad I would throw crap!)
the food buying thing I had problems with too
so put him on a budget GIVE him a list and coupons(make it as hard as possible) and see what happens
me I would kill to have someone go grocery shopping and cook for me..i am TIRED of cooking
but I also so get it
the KITCHEN was My AREA..mine...
he sounds like he is lost after coming home
so if he wont set up the chores etc see a therapist
but if you can compromise
in the end
he is home
he is safe
and now you don't have to do EVERYTHING...anymore
huge hugs..this is like the first year of marriage when you adjust to each other
I feel for you..i truly do
hugs
now he CRAVES it
see you are told what when how etc in the military
does he work?
he sounds like he has a LOT of time on his hands
and if he does work he needs a hobby that does not include you(he needs one!)
so you both need to sit down and hash this out
you were basically a single mom while he was deployed
so you got used to doing things YOUR way
and now he is home he wants to do things HIS way
if you cannot sit down and divvy up the chores
then you have to get help from a therapist
I suspect he has issues anyway
did he do any kind of engineering in the military
he sounds like my kids father
I swear I would go away on vacation and wham my kitchen would be rearranged(drove me so mad I would throw crap!)
the food buying thing I had problems with too
so put him on a budget GIVE him a list and coupons(make it as hard as possible) and see what happens
me I would kill to have someone go grocery shopping and cook for me..i am TIRED of cooking
but I also so get it
the KITCHEN was My AREA..mine...
he sounds like he is lost after coming home
so if he wont set up the chores etc see a therapist
but if you can compromise
in the end
he is home
he is safe
and now you don't have to do EVERYTHING...anymore
huge hugs..this is like the first year of marriage when you adjust to each other
I feel for you..i truly do
hugs