I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine recently and I had some questions after that discussion.
Her husband has joined the ranks of Alcoholics Anonymous which is highly commendable of him since it was an issue that was slowly tearing their marriage apart. Being friends with both of them, I heard more and learned more than I ever cared to know. He did try going "cold turkey" before to please her, but of course he fell off that wagon quickly.
This time, it seems, he's doing it for himself. It was affecting his job, marriage and health. And he seems to be dedicated by going to AA meetings and his wife is going to Al Anon meetings weekly.
The problem now, it seems, is in the bedroom. He's no longer interested, and when he is, she says its over in 5mins or less. No foreplay before or cuddling or anything after. She mentioned it seemed like he was going through the motions and doing his duty as the husband and nothing more.
The only advice I had for my friend was to talk about this with him but it seems she has. He's all gung ho during the conversation but rolls over and goes to sleep that night after she's taken great care to spice it up for the evening with whatever she's done. (I didn't press for details)
I had a few possible explanations (which I kept to myself):
He has no idea how to interact with his wife sexually while sober and may need to relearn some of these skills.
He is more focused on his own well-being right now and doesn't have the capability to take care of his wife sexually at the moment.
His sex drive has dropped drastically since quitting drinking. (Is this because of the lack of alcohol?)
I suppose my question would be if this is "normal" and can it be overcome? Or does it go away by itself?
And also, did I miss anything? Is there another reason I didn't see or think of?
I'm curious, as I used to be slightly jealous of both of them and their very open and active sex life.
Any advice or insight from a recovering addict or alcoholic would be appreciated as well. Thanks!
My first instinct is that the lack of sex drive is attributable to the stress and struggle of recovery. In the early stages, there are many adjustments and changes that have to be made in order to cope and function in an alcohol-free world. Sex, especially since he is in a committed marriage, is probably the last thing on his mind in terms of areas he needs to make efforts on. Think about a time of great stress in your own life (maybe the death of a family member or pet, a serious illness/accident or the loss of a job) and chances are you probably also experienced a decreased desire for sex and orgasms for a certain amount of time thereafter until you felt like you were back in a stable place.
If she's talked to him about it, he obviously already knows this is an area that they will need to work on and improve as a couple, but your friend will need patience during this time. If she sees that he's functioning successfully in every other area of life and seems to be moving through recovery with ease but he's still avoiding sex, then there might be more serious relationship issues going on... but in the meantime, she needs to give him time to get all the other things in his life in order and working well as a 'sober' person.
I'll also defer to some information on the medical side of alcohol recovery and libido that you might want to share with your friend. There is definitely a link and if your friend's patience is running out and this problem persists, he might want to see a doctor about testing his hormone levels or seeing if there is an after-effect at work in terms of why he's no longer interested in sex. If this is the case, then there are supplements (herbal) or medications (pharmaceutical) that he can take to kick-start his sexual interest again.
Alcoholism and Sexuality
Sexuality and alcoholism have been linked since Shakespeare's time, but various studies have pointed out that there is no simple, direct relationship between the pharmacological effect of alcohol and its behavioral consequences. Sexual dysfunction in the recovering alcoholic may be due to the depressant effect of the alcohol itself, to alcohol related disease, to other drug usage, or to a multitude of psychological forces. Learning to deal with one's sexuality can be an important initial step in creating a new, more confident self who can cope in a chemical-free world. As well, the effects of alcoholism on the whole family and the importance of family support during recovery are major reasons why sexuality needs to be addressed directly and sex therapy offered as part of the recovery process. Sex should be viewed as one more aspect of communication which may need improvement.
Male Alcoholics, when compared with nonalcoholic men, have a heightened prevalence of sexual dysfunctions, the most frequent of which are erection difficulties, lowered libido and retarded ejaculation (O'Farrell, 1990). Sexual dissatisfaction in the form of disagreements about sex, withholding of sex to punish the alcoholics' drinking, diminished sexual frequency and reduced overall satisfaction also have been described as quite common in alcoholics' marriages (Doweling, 1980; Wiseman, 1985).
Physical factors have been described as primary causes of alcoholics' sexual dysfunction problems. Sex hormone changes due to the effects of chronic excessive alcohol intake on the liver, testicles and hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular axis have been implicated in problems with impotence and decreased sexual interest (Van Thiel, 1985; Chiao and Van Thiel, 1983). Acute alcohol intake beyond very low doses decreases potency and increases time to ejaculation (see Wilson's 1981 review).
Relationship conflict secondary to alcohol-related marital stressors also has been proposed as a contributing factor in alcoholics' sexual problems. Two studies investigated this explanation by studying a comparison group of maritally conflicted couples without alcohol-related problems in addition to the alcoholics. A preliminary report lacking statistical analyses (Burton and Kaplan, 1968) found similar levels of sexual dissatisfaction when alcoholic and conflicted couples were compared. O'Farrell et al. (1991) found that alcoholic and conflicted couples did not differ and that both groups reported less frequent intercourse, more disagreement over sex and more desires for change in their sexual relationship than did nonaleoholie, noneonflieted couples....
I was a drug addict for almost 12 years. (I'm clean 8 years now.)
When I was using, I had a string of very sexually satisfied girlfriends, though of course the relationships would eventually disintegrate because addicts can't maintain adult relationships.
Addicts seek both release and escape from themselves. They can't accept themselves straight. (And interestingly, they come to resent the people close to them who DO love them.... For why should they, when you don't even love yourself?)
When, FINALLY, (because my latest girlfriend who I loved very much left me, being unable to take the chaos anymore) I cleaned up I discovered some strange things.
The 11 years I had spent on cocaine had been lost to me, in that, I hadn't matured, learnt real-life lessons in over a decade. I was in fact 11 years younger in my head then I was in my real life.
I lost all confidence. I had NO IDEA who I could be if I couldn't be the guy I had been during those years. I had to re-discover who I REALLY was, what made me happy, what I was good at, what was it about me that people really liked (if anything!!!) What made me happy? (I had no idea.....)
I was terrified. (And I missed the drug soooooo much....... But not as much as I missed the girl.... And I KNEW she wasn't coming back, but I also knew that if I went back to coke again I'd NEVER have another chance with anyone else...)
Fuck a girl????? For months I couldn't even talk to one.
Lonely? (I learned the horrible, HORRIBLE meaning of that word....)
And I felt guilt and shame about the time I'd wasted, the people I'd hurt, the lovers I let go, the opportunities I had thrown away.
Plus I had to come to terms with the mental and psychological issues that had led me to seek escape in addiction in the first place. (In my case, indeed in the case of most addicts I've met....... Let's just say a DIFFICULT childhood...)
Importantly, NEVER the fault of your current partner..... They're just the one's you take it out on....... Because you can......
Recovery is not a confident place to be.
You can't feel like a sexual person if you've lost all confidence...
I was disgusted by myself. I felt such shame and sadness at what I'd allowed myself become. And now I had to discover who I really was. (And what if, without the drugs, I turned out to be nothing at all?)
This POOR GUY is going through all these feelings.
And if you think about, it's not the easiest thing to admit, ESPECIALLY to a wife you love, you respect, you've hurt and Who You Need To Love And Respect You..... (And you ask yourself, "Why should she?")
You get over it. The self hatred is the hardest thing to let go of.
This is my experience.
I have good friends now, and incidentally, my libido is as good as it ever was. But maybe sharing this with the wife of a guy who's going through what I went through might make her understand a little bit.
I hope I haven't been too honest, but I really feel for this guy and his wife.
It get's much better.
Self confidence returns........ (But a different confidence because you've become a different type of guy....) It takes a lot of time.
xx SF
(Did I kind of KILL a thread?????)
xx SF
You're bravely honest, Steph, you sound in a good place to continue with your clean lifestyle.
if you let it, the rest will follow, really it will.
Some of the patients with whom I've had the privilege to work, with addictive behaviour - I'm talking from simple [sic] self sabotage, sexual problems, substance addiction and general addictive behaviour (repetive behaviour, destructive patterns that sort of thing - we pretty much all do it in varying degrees) - have big problems with confidence, traumatic backgrounds or incidents or simply fall into bad habits.
The way I work with an individual varies greatly from person to person, in fact, it's completely patient led and I often (in fact prefer) to work with their partners and families too, although that isn't always possible, but I find that results tend to be better.
I use different therapies as and when appropriate, but generally speaking, we start to delve into the past, events leading up to their problems, concomitant factors such as stress, family situations and the like. It's not easy as a rule, but as,they work through this stuff, they start to let it go and change. The confidence begins to return, the addictions begin to lessen, health improves along with mental health, libido and such like. There are good times, bad times, relapses, leaps forward, but if they are invested in a return to health, then they will get there.
Don't get me wrong, they are the ones doing the work, I'm just a conduit, although I'll recommend dietary supplements (which can make a greater difference than you would believe, remedies, other therapies etc etc) It changes everything, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help and be involved.
I guess the point that I'm making here is that perhaps the OP's friend would do well to consider some alt/comp therapies, not everyone's bag, but I've seen at ground level the huge huge difference they can make, it's worth a try.
Essentially, libido isn't going to come back if there are underlying problems, whether they be such things as an unhappy marriage, job, lifestyle, poor health, mental and emotional issues, traumas. These can help to address this and aid the road to recovery.
Just my thoughts...
