My name is Spencer. And I gotta say: I've been quite lucky. I've been quite lucky even when I died. My name is Spencer and I'm lucky because the day I died, was also the day I came to a new life.
My name is Spencer and I am a transgender woman.
I still remember when in my previous life, I came out to my family: it was on a Saturday when my parents came back home from work and they found all my things packed. As much as I can recall, they've always been involved in church activities.
Just that classic Texas family you would expect, you know?
So I was 100% sure they would have kicked me off. But it turned out they always knew I was gay before I ever did... As I said, I was really lucky. My parents were supporting me and I felt like nothing could ever stop me.
The day I came out to my school-mates was also the day I met "Boostin' Boots" Dylan: we used to meet every day actually, but we never talked, since I wasn't that popular and he was part of the rugby team, in school. And I had such a secret crush on him.
Well... I had a crush on the entire rugby team, but Dylan... Dylan was my number one.
"As an athlete, I wanted to congratulate you for your coming out. It takes a dose of guts, something missing in half of my mates. Be proud of what you accomplished today."
I can remember I blushed and barely thanked him with a shy smile. He smiled and left the room with one of his chicks.
"See you around, Spence."
He had plenty of girls, but that didn't stop me from fantasizing about him, for the following two years. We also had a friendship. He was such a videogames nerd, as I was. He loved doing karaoke stuff, as I did. He taught me how to improve my grades in P.E, as I taught him how to improve his grades in art.
Yeah, safe to say we were close friends!
Till' the night I died. 2006. Classic: the night before graduation.
After the prom, me and the rest of the school were invited to Fred Minski's mansion: that was supposed to be a night of fun, wild things, sex, useless talks about colleges, but honestly, I couldn't care less.
That night would have been the night I've opened the jar to Dylan. I would have told him I was damn in love with him. Looking for some courage, my feet drove me to the alcohol.
Dylan was nowhere to be found.
Several pointless conversations later, I was losing any hope to meet him and share my feelings, when Fred walked towards me.
"Hey, man. Been looking for you. I got this, from Dylan," he said, giving to me a piece of paper. It was him.
The paper said: "Meet me in paradise. Dylan."
Dylan wanted to see me... Dylan wanted to see me! Maybe he was growing the same feelings! Maybe he just wanted to fuck me! Oh, well, I would have loved both the cases.
"Downstairs, always on the left. You'll find the door to my spa."
Alcohol was getting effective, I didn't say a word, focused on finding "my" Dylan.
Downstairs ok, got it. On the left. The door was in front of me: my cock was rock-hard, thinking of Dylan shirtless in the warm water. A long breath and I was inside: the steamy air got me weak.
"Dylan?"
I could hear splashes and small noises, the pool must have been behind the corner. And there he was: Dylan was in the jacuzzi, but I could barely see his buff body: he had some naked, slutty company. Portuguese-Japanese exchange student Olivia Kumi was over him, getting in and out the hot water, as she was riding wild his dick.
And her twin Lisa was riding his mouth. He knew how to treat Asian pussy: the last thing he could ever need was to know about my love. So stubborn, so delusional...
What could I ever expect, from him? It was so logical, so written on stone: straight guys don't fall in love with us.
Yet, my heart was falling into thousands of pieces: for a second, I believed in my dream. Waking up, was painful. Then, I realized: this was the purpose of my presence, there. Fred just wanted to humiliate me.
I rushed back to the party, where I found Fred. "Hey Spence, have you found what you were looking for?"
I smiled, in silence; my silence was funny as heck for him since he laughed and made me feel like I never felt before.
"Poor sissy! Your heart must be hurting... How about going home and trying to heal your arse, I mean, your soul?"
Douchebag wasn't deserving of any answer, so I took my last cup of Jagerbomb.
Then, I grabbed the bowl and fuckin' showered him with it.
"I'm so glad you showed me some action, I was getting bored. This party stinks, you know? Just like you. And by the way: you should start sucking some dicks, cause homophobia, is just another way to scream, 'I'm fuckin' gay, fill my holes.' Bye Felicia!"
Everyone was looking at me, astonished.
I loved that moment! I was feeling like one of those girls from The Hills!
When I got in the car, all the bravery and the confidence vanished, tears were running and glistening all over my face.
"Wake up, Cinderella," said to myself. "The spell is over, time to go home."
I drank the whole cup, my head was a damn mess.
Stupid Dylan, stupid "gay-friendly" straight boys. They're so fucking liars, the way they treat you, the way they make you feel like you're accepted by them, as they work out with you and they play sports with you and they take off their shirts in front of you and they "forget" this is the perfect way to get you fuckin' horny!
Arrived at home, my phone beeped: a text from Dylan.
"Bro, heard you screwed Minski! Insane. Sorry I missed it. Where you at?"
Seriously?
"At home. Missed nothing, just some bitching around. I'm fine. Get back to your Asian cunts."
The phone beeped again: "Hahaha."
Fuckin' idiot. Was he playing me, or he's not realizing how fuckin mad I was at him?
If I had to recall the time I cried the most, this would have been that time.
Alone, on my seat, desperation serving me the worst, yet the best company, tears coming out endlessly. Dylan was so nice to me, then why I was hating him so much?
I cried so hard, my mind and my heart couldn't find any rest, 'till I realized what was wrong...
My mum came out of the house: she must have been heard I arrived.
"Spencer, what are you doing? Get out of the car!"
When she saw my face "ruined" by tears, she got scared.
"Mom..." I said sobbing: "Why am I not a girl?"
She didn't say anything, but as she got in the car and hugged me, I felt like I had the answer...
My graduation day was embarrassing: I refused every photo group, I refused to sign things, I refused to talk to anyone.
And I avoided any form of interaction with Dylan. Fuck off, high school. I was just too much for them.
Dylan tried to approach me but I always managed to leave.
The very same day I spoke to my parents and it was hard to explain the fact I wasn't angry at them for being in a "wrong" body. Gender dysphoria happens and it's nobody's fault.
Once I promised them Spencer would have stayed Spencer, once I began my transition, they finally accepted it. Spencer staying Spencer meant also no big differences in my body. Their boy was planning to become a girl, someday, but they wanted this girl to be recognized as their girl.
So, summer 2008 was such an intense season of hard work and hard study, cause I wanted this transition to happen thanks to nobody, but myself.
I was ignoring hard Dylan's texts, too, 'till his final message: "Friends talk to each other. Friends scream to each other. Friends argue. Friends fight, then friends get stronger. You're angry at me without even arguing. So guess what? I didn't lose a friend cause you weren't. You did."
Poor straight guy.
I left for college, for my new life in Chicago: no judgments, no stereotypes, no assholes. For the first time, I was FREE. But freedom ain't last long when you can not count on much money, so I was also looking for a job.
My first researches didn't go as I expected, so the first two months were not fabulous, at all. I mean, when you try to do great in your life and all you can get, is tv and junk food, well...
On a Saturday night, I just reached my bottom line. I just wanted to have a little more exciting night, so my feet brought me to hit a bar, not that far from the campus.
A Texas guy was just about to discover and explore the magic world of Drag Queens shows...
I met there Colin, a guy from college, I mean, I barely recognized that person in Vanilla Sax, the Drag name when he was a she: and I simply got fascinated, I wanted to be part of that magic. Let me tell you, that wasn't easy, at all. You don't just get there and have the respect of the other girls: you have to earn it.
Not because they're mean, but, you know, it is so easy to feel like you can join a world just because you're a fan of a tv show. That's way more difficult to prove you have the guts to stay there.
I wasn't sure I had enough talent, but I needed money and I needed to fuel up my life in Chicago, so I worked my ass every weekend, walking on heels, just like every cis woman should do, practicing on dancing and acting skills. And especially, realizing my dresses.
As said before, that wasn't easy, it took a lot of time and effort, but I succeeded. I finally was a Drag Queen, a Drag Queen with a degree. I finally was Minnie Soda, proud sister of Vanilla Sax, part of the Haus.
Years passed by and I finally had my transition: no charities, no crowdfunding, just my very own efforts.
Pills are not a magic wand, they take their time. And I enjoyed spending that time, looking at my reflection and discovering those little changes on my body, my hair. Time by time.
It was awesome to walk the road to who I wanted to be. My face was so feminine, I was feeling cute in every time of my day.
How can regular men and women look at the mirror and not love their reflection in it? How can they not appreciate how blessed they are?
My drag community was very loyal to me and accepted having a transgender woman performing with them. Probably, I never thanked them enough for the gift they gave me.
Life was good. And this is where this crazy story starts...
The air was deliciously smelling of winter, the leaves flying along with the wind had the same color of the cup of tea warming my hands. A rare break from my job, a rare chance to recover from the stress of working in an engineering office: I should have considered myself lucky to find such a remunerative job, which paid my bills and a nice apartment.
But sometimes, it was so stressful.
Two tables further mine, there was a pair of guys: didn't take too long to realize they were flirting with each other.
They were very cute, but I appreciated one of them. Ginger and very short hair paired with a full, soft beard, jeweled by a pair of sweet and intense aquamarine eyes. A beefy muscular tone completed the package.
He was so hot, I had mixed reactions inside me: I wished that guy was on my lips.
Besides his face and his body, there was something about him, attracting me like a magnet: it never happened before, with someone I never knew.
I took a look at my phone. I had to hurry, that meant no more time to squeeze my brain.
As I was approaching, someone was patting on my shoulder: "Excuse me?"
It was him, the outrageously hot guy: "This must be yours," he said with my scarf in his hands.
My face was on fire. Did I blush in front of a stranger?
"Thank you... I get so clumsy sometimes."
He answered me with a big smile: "It's ok. You know... clumsy is cool, nowadays."
God, he was melting me down! But I couldn't be late: "Gotta go... The office is waiting for me..."
"Sure... Take care."
I smiled at his teddy bear face and I left.
Never in my life, I felt so close to a stranger. He had just that mix of nice and confident, everyone could fall for. That reminded me of someone.
But I'm sure his date wasn't that happy of us talking... I mean, I wouldn't be that happy if my date suddenly focused on someone who's not me!
The following days, I hoped I could see that guy, again. Unfortunately, there was no sign of him, anywhere.
------------------------------
Despite the full-time job was sucking out my time and my energy, I still had the club going on.
My drag-sisters and I were adding more and more live performances among the typical playbacks and comedy sketches in our shows, making us such a unique club in drag queens' local reality.
Our efforts paid, as we had the attention of an Illinois' label, which wanted to see more of us.
Robin Vargas, co-owner of the label, was excited, "I can't wait to start working with you on a studio album! My co-worker is so busy with other projects at the moment, we need to wait a little cause he must be 100% focused on this."
Colin wanted to celebrate, taking me and the other gals to a rugby match. I had no idea he was into sports, but ask me if I'd enjoy a bunch of guys getting down and dirty on the ground and, "FUCK, YEAH," would be 100% the answer!
I remember I had such a nice, sporty look, that day: green sweater and green sweatpants with some sneakers, and a long jacket covering me up.
Outside the field, Colin and I were waiting for the others.
He was stinking of too much perfume, "Why did you take a swim on cologne? This is rugby, not a Laganja Estranja's random party!"
"Girl, you never know when you're going to meet your future husband. Gotta always be ready."
Several minutes later, the others reached us and we finally entered.
Watching the two teams coming out of their locker rooms, was a show in the show: all of those bulls and bears and otters, oh my goodness! As my queens scanned every single guy in both teams, sadness came up around me: rugby was the sport practiced by...
Dylan...
But I couldn't believe when my eyes fell on someone I knew: the guy of the bar! He was there! He was gonna play! Suddenly it was getting hot, tremendously hot!
None of us did get a single moment of the actions during the entire match, we were probably too horny to stay focused even for just five minutes. My eyes were just looking at the beefy guy in action but couldn't get what the actual hell was going on. The coach called for a replacement and he chose "my" guy to be replaced.
Great, now I had no more interest to watch this. Also, it was getting colder and cold makes me pee... SHIT! I needed a toilet!
Colin looked at me as I stood up and rushed away from my seat: my priority was just a quiet place where to do all my stuff. You'd make sure you're moving in the right direction, before opening any door... Well, not me! The good news was that I was near a toilet.
The bad news was that I was in the locker room of one of the teams. And as I was hearing from the other side of the room, someone was taking a shower! Losing no time, I rushed to the toilet and after taking my jacket off and put it over the door, nature did her job: finally... It was so good, so damn good! Water was still going down, I still had time!
Trying to make a few sounds as possible, I exited the toilet and approached the sink to wash my hands and come back to my seat. "I can do this, I can do this..." I kept repeating to myself.
Done!
Now I just had to turn around and...
