Part 1- I’m An Idiot

Have you ever done something so stupid that several years later you still get a sick feeling in your gut whenever you recall it? I’m not talking about something criminal or violent, but an interaction with another that makes you cringe every time it comes to mind. In my case it was made worse by the fact that I didn’t realize I’d done this stupid thing until two years later, then lived with it for a year or so before I managed to make it right at least partially. At the center of this internal controversy was the act of spanking. It fascinated me. It always had. When I was younger, these weren’t sexual interests; I’m not sure what kind of interest it was, but it was definitely there.

Rosa and I worked together when our company was located in New York.  We hooked up at one of the many parties we had for those that were following the company to Florida and for those staying behind.  We only dated a couple of times in New York but started seeing each other more regularly once we’d moved south.  I believe it was the comfort of friends in a strange new world that kept us together as long as it did because we certainly had very little in common, particularly with regard to music.

We both liked music but for very different reasons and with very different tastes.  My musical heritage is with rock music, everything from the Beatles to Led Zeppelin to Collective Soul as well as more progressive music like Yes and Genesis.  Music is my passion as I also play guitar and drums, so for me music exists to be played and listened to intently.  Admittedly, I could be quite arrogant about my music tastes and how much better my tastes were than ‘most people’s’.

Rosa, on the other hand, liked dance music, disco to techno, so her primary reason for listening to music is to dance to it and she was quite a good dancer.  Her attempts to teach me frustrated her as eventually I always ended up with an air guitar mimicking the lead guitar.  For some reason I could never figure out, she also loved Barbara Streisand, which is what she’d play when just listening to music and while I’d acknowledge her amazing talent, didn’t like her songs or voice at all.

Another area of seeming incompatibility was regarding sex, of which we had almost none.  Many times, I thought there would be, but it never happened.  I’m not a pushy guy who constantly puts pressure on a girl to put out, quite the contrary, in fact; I’ve had girlfriends I lost because I wasn’t pushy enough. I was brought up with a strong sense of respect for women and that often translated into inaction.  I would often misread signs that a girl wanted to move to another level unless they were pretty obvious.

With Rosa, however, I don’t believe I was missing anything, and I was in fact trying to quite literally, ‘get in her pants’.  We’d be kissing and my hands would be wandering, seemingly with her approval as she appeared to enjoy it and did nothing to stop me, but as soon as I’d try to open either her blouse or her pants, she’d stop me.  Things would immediately cool down, and again, not being the pushy type, I didn’t question her.  I just accepted that she wasn’t ready for it.  It happened at least three or four times.

One of the fun things about Rosa is the way she’d react to a put down directed at her or someone she liked.  If she didn’t like what I said, she’d reply, “You need a spankin,” just like it's written, without pronouncing the “g” at the end.

“How can you listen to this music, Rosa?  It’s got no musical quality whatsoever!”

“You know, you need a spankin!”

… or …

“What’re you doing?  You were supposed to turn at that stop sign!”

“Don’t tell me how to drive!  You need a spankin!”

Now this obviously piqued my interest as any reference to spanking would, but having never spanked nor been spanked, I was still in that world of disbelief that people actually did such things and liked it.  This will seem unbelievable in itself when I say that my reply to her would often be “Promise?” as though daring her to actually carry through with it.  She’d just laugh and that would be the end of it.

I’m not sure I can adequately explain why I didn’t pursue such an obvious reference to something I really wanted so badly.  I can’t say that I didn’t know that people spanked each other in a sexual way; I did, but I assumed they were very few who did, maybe not even really into it, but only acting that way for the benefit of their partner or for a movie, or something.  And if there really were ordinary people who did this, I just couldn’t believe that anybody I knew could possibly be into something so far out as spanking.  Therefore, this beautiful girl, which I’m going out with and whose body I’m exploring, if only over her clothes, couldn’t possibly be one of those people.  I figured this was just a threat that her parents had used on her, possibly intended as an idle threat, and she’d adopted it in a funny way.

I’ve just described Rosa as a beautiful girl, and she was.  A bit taller than average with a slim body, well-toned partly due to the amount of dancing she did, and she dressed in a classy way that accentuated her assets.  With a pretty face that she made up nicely, without overdoing anything, she could captivate you with her cat-like green eyes.  Long, light brown hair, usually coiffed to perfection, framed her pretty face.  She had small to average-sized breasts, but with her broad shoulders and dressed in a fancy sheer blouse that revealed a lacy, white bra underneath, she/they would still have your mouth watering.  Long, shapely legs led up to a bottom that was, ironically, not her most attractive feature, at least in a normal sexual context.

Everything I’ve been describing came together on what could be arguably called our last time together.  We’d gone out for a nice dinner but didn’t feel like doing anything else, so we ended up at my apartment listening to music and drinking wine.  It was a quiet and comfortable evening as we talked about nothing important while we sipped our wine and listened to some jazzy music.  From Rosa’s point of view, the music wasn’t ideal, though I had carefully selected it so as to be the least offensive.  This didn’t stop her from commenting on it, and after a few back-and-forth comments, she finally made a disparaging remark about it.  She didn’t often give me this opportunity, so I decided to turn the tables on her.

“You know, you need a spanking,” I said with a smile.  I certainly didn’t intend to carry through on the threat or go any further than the comment itself.

“Promise?” she replied with a sexy smile. 

Thinking this was all just playful fun I replied, “Yes!  I do!”  Her eyes lit up and she took off running, squealing with delight.  I took off after her, rounding the corner from my living room to the kitchen/dining area in time to see her run into my bedroom.  Following her, I had her trapped in the corner between my bed and the outer wall.  The only way out was across the bed and when she tried that I jumped on the bed to intercept.  I managed to quickly manoeuvre her across my knee and started spanking! Well, sort of!  Truth is, I gave her two or three moderate smacks across her bottom and pulled her up off my lap feeling I had completed the gag.  She gave me a strange look I could not fathom, and we both went back to the living room.

It took a while for the mood to return to where it was, and in fact, probably never did, but we did get to play the repeated scene where after a long build-up, I tried to get in her pants, and she stopped me.  I don’t remember how, but we were lying on the carpeted floor.  We were kissing as usual, and my hands were all over her body as usual and she stopped me as usual when I tried opening her pants.

I’ll admit my memory on this is not entirely clear, and probably tainted by realizations later achieved concerning that night, but for some reason, I decided I’d had enough, and my usual gentlemanly reaction did not occur.  I objected and asked why and expressed my frustration with the whole matter.  She didn’t reply right away, but when she did, she didn’t answer my question; instead, she gave in and said if I wanted to have sex with her I could; she’d let me.

Some guys may have jumped at that opportunity, but my respectful instincts kicked in again and I told her that I didn’t want to if she was allowing it just because I wanted it.  I would have hoped she wanted it too.  She tried to talk her way around that and even made a more sincere plea to finally get it together, but I wasn’t having any of it by that time.  I suggested she leave as there was no way we’d ever get back to anything approaching a friendly mood, let alone a sexual one.  She expressed surprise at this, asking if it was really kicking her out and essentially, I said yes.

Now in the hindsight context of this story and if your point of view is from a person who gives or gets spankings, you can see all the signs I was missing and wonder about my ability to think intelligently.  Obviously, this is the stupid thing referred to in the opening paragraph of this story.  I didn’t see the signs.  In my subconscious I was still thinking, there is no way a beautiful girl like this actually wants me to spank her.  It just didn’t happen to people like me and therefore the signs meant absolutely nothing to me.

That evening was the beginning of the end of our relationship.  There was nothing holding us together.  We’d been in Florida for months now; over the initial shock of strange surroundings.  We didn’t have all that much in common and there wasn’t even any sex to look forward to.  On top of all that, Rosa didn’t particularly like Florida all that much as it lacked the clubs, dancing, and nightlife that New York had, and she actually packed up and moved back a few months later.

Part 2- Revelation

Close to two years later I got a hold of a magazine called Variations that essentially changed my life.  A sister publication to Penthouse magazine, Variations dealt with a variety of mostly unusual sexual practices.  More of a text-based magazine with very few pictures, it covered all kinds of topics, from the mildly different to the wildly kinky.  Each issue had a featured subject, but also three or four other subjects so it was possible for one issue to cover both full-blown domination to mild cross-dressing.  Each subject had a fictional story about the particular kink or fetish, followed by letters from readers concerning the subject wherein they would describe, sometimes in extraordinary detail, their own experiences with the topic.  In addition, there was a much larger letters section that was an open forum to discuss any sexual variation.

I’ve seen subjects like female domination, foot fetish, golden showers, anal sex, even variations of ordinary oral sex covered in its pages, but the subject that caught my eye in this first issue was, of course, spanking.  There were two letters in the forum section that dealt with spanking, both of which were rather detailed. 

The first was from a woman who set up her own downfall and inevitable punishment by her husband who didn’t need much coaxing to spank her, but she wanted to be sure it was a good, hard spanking when she did get it.  She told of how after a somewhat harder-than-normal spanking over his knee, she was made to bend over and take a blistering paddling for the first time.  She loved every swat and now paddling was a regular part of their spanking repertoire.

The other letter dealt with a guy who having never been spanked, was trying to figure out how to get his girlfriend to spank him good and how he did in fact accomplish this.  The letter ended with a detailed, almost blow-by-blow description of being across her knee with his pants down and what each spank felt like as it landed on his virgin bottom.  Of course, he loved his first spanking, and his girlfriend, who at first was a reluctant participant, found she loved the power she had over him and now manages to invent all sorts of offences for which he returns to her knee for severe spankings on a very regular basis.

Of course, I was wildly turned on by these letters and I even found a couple of short references to spanking in stories about domination.  I must have read them each more than a dozen times.  Perhaps the seed was planted by this issue, but it was the following issue that really opened my eyes and for the first time had me believing I wasn’t quite so strange just because I liked spanking.

The main subject was spanking with a gorgeous example of womanhood on the cover, bent over and displaying a well-spanked bottom, with “Spanking” in big letters next to it.  The magazine is sold in a sealed plastic bag to keep people from reading them without buying them, so I didn’t know what to expect when I bought it, but had an almost instant hard-on when I opened it in my car and saw the cover.  I started thumbing through it right there, but decided to save it for when I got home.

Being the featured subject meant there were two fictional stories; a series of pictures of the cover girl getting spanked in various positions by a muscle-bound guy, and a much larger letters section.  I told myself that I wouldn’t read it all at once; instead saving some of it for other days, but within an hour I had read both stories and every spanking letter, including two more in the open forum section, at least twice. 

Among stories similar to the first issue I’d read, there was also on about a girl who sort of wanted to try spanking and found out how much she liked it when her boss gave her an over-the-knee spanking for alleged poor performance on the job; another about a guy who planned to introduce spanking to his girlfriend without her knowing and how she at first screamed and cursed at him as he spanked her across his knee, but when the warmth in her bottom went straight to her crotch, she changed her tune to one of begging for more and harder spanks.

Then there was one about a girl who fantasized about being a naughty schoolgirl and told to report to the principal’s office for punishment, where she received both a spanking and a caning.

Another one about a girl who, after being the recipient of many good spankings across her husband’s knee, found out how he wished she’d turn the tables on him and give him severe spankings with her hand, paddle and strap.  He didn’t know she was aware and was surprised upon returning home from work one day to find his wife in sexy black underwear and stockings, tapping a paddle against her thigh and telling him what a naughty boy he had been.  He was to report to their bedroom and ready himself for a severe spanking and paddling, and if he didn’t take his punishment like a good boy, she would also take the strap to his bare bottom.

It was this last story that I liked the best, introducing the concept of ‘switching’ places, where the spanker becomes the spanked.  This appealed to me as many of the stories of girls who loved being spanked, and openly asked for it, also turned me on.  I was still sure that I preferred being spanked but liked the idea of a girl who openly desired and even asked for and enjoyed a good spanking.

I actually started thinking that this was something I might be able to do some day and at least I wasn’t quite so alone in my desire to be spanked.  The letters hinted of an unspoken community of like-minded people who engaged in sexual spanking… some in the shadows away from public scrutiny and others rather openly.

It was when I started to think about ways that I might somehow communicate my desire to a would-be spanking partner without them blowing me off as some kind of pervert that Rosa came back to mind.  As I remembered her phrase “you need a spankin” and the many times she said it to me, I also recalled that night in my apartment where I actually did swat her bottom twice and slowly the magnitude of my mistake dawned on me, making me feel so stupid and realizing what I had let slip away.  “What a stupid ass,” I said aloud referring to myself.

What would’ve happened had I’d proceeded to give her a full and proper spanking, including taking her pants and panties down and spanking her delicious, naked bottom? For any bottom that wants to be spanked is a delicious bottom!  I quickly concluded that she would have responded intensely to my spanking her, and our sex life would have blossomed into one where we were both spanked on a regular basis; after all, she was the one telling me over and over that I ‘need a spankin’ which would culminate in wild, passionate sex!  That became the subject of the most realistic spanking fantasy I’d ever had.  Suddenly, it was achievable; or at least it had been, and I blew it!

I continued reading Variations and learning more about the scene, but it didn’t help me much with figuring out how to find someone with similar interests.  I certainly wasn’t bold enough to openly declare my interest, and even bringing it up to girls I dated was out of the question as I hadn’t dated anyone long enough to consider sharing something like this.  Inevitably, my thought process returned to the opportunity I had so stupidly missed.  If I was lucky, I could convert my self-torture into arousal as I played that evening out the way it should have gone.