I think I was certain already and had been for some time. I suppose it was just to finally test myself when I decided to kiss the two guys. The kisses were about two weeks apart but I knew after the first one that I was sure of what I'd been feeling for years. I'm not sure why I tried again with the second guy but as this was something that would affect the rest of my life, I guess I had to be truly sure.
I think I knew already and had always known, but in kissing them I finally knew men weren't for me. I felt completely liberated after my "tests". I was comfortable in my own mind of who I was and what I liked.
I liked girls, plain and simple. Wanting to be with a girl felt normal and natural and that was what I wanted. Having come out to myself and the liberation I now felt in doing that, I had no idea what to actually do about it.
I had known Danni for years. She was my best friend. We lived near each other and had been in the same classes in school since we were small. We were still in some of the same classes by the time we left school.
Danni was about my height, maybe an inch taller, blonde hair a few inches longer than the shoulder and the most gorgeous green eyes you could possibly imagine. She also looked absolutely stunning in anything she wore, especially dresses. We pretty much did everything together and had plans to travel after school before we went to Uni.
As far as I knew Danni was straight and the thought that she might be anything other than that hadn't even remotely occurred to me. She'd never had a boyfriend which I did think was a little odd but as we went to an all girls school that was quite common for a lot of our friends. Truth be told I'd had a crush on her for years but you don't makes passes at your best friends and risk losing them, do you?
It was a Friday and one of the girls in our class was throwing a party that evening. I was going to go with Danni. We spent most of the afternoon together eating chocolate, gossiping, trying stuff on and looking forward to a fun night ahead. We also shared a bottle of wine. Nothing fancy, just a cheap red from the supermarket. Once we had decided on our clothes for the night it was time to get ready.
"Who's first in the shower," I said to Danni.
"How long will it take you to get ready?" she replied.
"About twenty minutes once I've showered. That's fifteen for make up and five to get dressed," I said.
"I'll only take ten minutes," she said, "So you go first."
I got out of the decidedly un sexy leggings and T-shirt I'd been wearing all afternoon and walked towards the bathroom. Being in my underwear in front of Danni had never bothered me but I'd always stopped short of taking more off when we were getting ready to go out, despite the fact we were such good friends.
Danni looked at me and smiled as I went through the door and pulled it to. Was it my imagination or was there more to the smile than just being friendly? Was my mind playing tricks on me? She'd smiled at me countless times over the years and I'd never thought anything more of it.
Perhaps because I'd recently done my "tests" and was in a different place now in respect of coming to terms with my sexuality, I'd seen more to the smile than was there. As I soaped myself in the water I thought long and hard about that smile and drifted somewhat into a trance as I thought.
She's gorgeous but she's my best friend.
She smiled a smile at me that I've not seen before but maybe I imagined it.
I'd love it to be more but that could ruin everything.
I want to kiss her but what if she hates me wanting that?
I should just forget it but what if she liked me too and I miss out on something special?
My head was swirling especially with the thought of a returned kiss from her.
"Hey Katie, save some water for me," Danni shouted. My mind suddenly came back into focus. I hadn't realised how long I'd been but I was so lost in my thoughts I must have been ages in the shower. I saw Danni smiling at me through the glass screen on the side of the shower cubicle. I was just able to see where she was looking through the steamed glass and drips of water trickling down it.
She wasn't looking at my face. She was looking lower and was definitely smiling. A naughty and very mischievous smile was right across her face. I realised why she was looking so low and smiling so hard. I was so lost in my thoughts, I had one hand gently squeezing my left breast and nipple and the other one stroking over my tummy with my fingers reaching down, ever so slowly, towards myself.
"Katie," she said, "Aren't you the naughty one!"
"Oh my god," I replied, embarrassed in the extreme, "I'm so sorry!" My hands left my body and I turned my back to her, water still spraying over me from the shower.
"Don't be sorry, it's okay, it's funny I caught you," she giggled. "We all do that don't we? I'd love to know what you're thinking about."
I turned the water off and got out of the shower somewhat sheepishly. Danni was smiling again as I wrapped myself in a towel.
"I'm not sure I can tell you," I said, "Maybe one day."
"Okay," she replied as her towel fell to the floor and she jumped into the shower. I'd never seen her naked before. Underwear yes, but not naked. "Wow," I thought as she disappeared in a cloud of steam and spray.
By the time she came out of the shower I was half dressed and playing with lipstick and blusher in the mirror. I sort of ignored her. I was still so embarrassed from being caught daydreaming and very nearly touching myself. I think she sensed my embarrassment because next thing I knew she was stood behind me placing her arms around my neck.
She leant forward, turned her face towards me, kissed me softly on the cheek and whispered "Don't be mad at me for seeing. I don't care. You're my best friend and that's all that matters. I'd love to know who though."
I smiled, happy that she was okay with what had happened and replied, "I want to say but can't."
We got dressed and finished our make up before checking each other over.
She was wearing a black sleeveless dress that fell just short of the knee. I was wearing a red dress with a big black belt and just one strap over the left shoulder.
"You look stunning," I said, and she did too. I mean she looked really stunning!
"And you look divine," she replied smiling. That smile again. I wish I knew what it meant!
It was meant to be a mostly all girls get together but someone had talked and inevitably quite a few guys turned up. If it was me I wouldn't have let uninvited people in. As it wasn't my house or party I had to put up with it.
I was expecting Danni to be swamped by guys as she looked so stunning. However, despite one or two advances which she skilfully brushed off she was happy to spend time chatting with me. I'd always loved her company but it just seemed special on this particular evening that despite the attention she was getting, she wanted to spend her time with me.
We shared more wine, loads of gossip and then out of the blue she said, "Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"I guess that depends on the question," I replied, wondering what on earth I was going to be asked.
"I've known you nearly all my life. You're my best friend. I feel I could share anything with you. Why have you never had a boyfriend? " Danni asked.
"I could ask the same of you," I replied quickly. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was so soon after my "tests". Maybe it felt right to say. Truth be told it was probably all those reasons combined. "I don't like guys," I blurted.
"I know," said Danni smiling at me again. I was gob smacked. How did she know? If she knew, how long had she known? Why had she asked? Did she care? What about her? My mind raced with questions, not knowing how to respond. More than anything it was that smile that I remember more than anything.
"Does it matter?" I asked, worried that our friendship could be shattered. I suppose it didn't matter what I said as it was out there now.
"You're my best friend, I don't care. In fact it's rather sweet and sexy," Danni said, smiling again. More questions. Why was it sweet? More to the point, why was it sexy? Why was she smiling in that way again. Dare I dream she might be like me too?
We left the party about eleven. I had to work the next day and was flagging a little. I'd also had more wine than was good for me and my head was swirling. I wasn't drunk. The swirling was more to do with my thoughts racing about Danni and our friendship. We walked arm in arm like good friends often do.
Half way to her house her hand left my arm and her fingers locked with mine. For the first time ever we were holding hands. I felt electric. We'd never done that. Why now? I gripped her tight. Her soft skin felt incredible. I was buzzing. For some reason it was a silent walk. I was lost in thought. Maybe she was too.
After ten minutes silent walking, hands held all the way, we arrived at her house. I felt quite depressed that we were parting. She stood on the doorstep, fumbling a little in her handbag for the front door key. Eventually she found it. She lined the key up with the lock and slid it in. Before she unlocked the door she turned back round and faced me.
"I loved this evening," she said.
"Me too," I replied. "You know two things about me now that you didn't this afternoon.
"I liked both," she giggled.
"Oh my god," I thought for the second time that day. She liked the fact that I was more or less touching myself in the shower! She liked the fact that I liked girls! It was all in the moment and I couldn't help myself. I leant into her and kissed her softly on the lips. It could have just been an over friendly kiss goodbye. That was how I'd explain myself if she withdrew from the kiss. The whole nature of our friendship hinged on that very moment. I knew I was risking everything.
Danni kissed me softly back. It was a short kiss but in that instant I knew we had changed our friendship forever. I moved my head back and just stood there in front of her, our fingers linked, bodies millimetres apart, looking into her eyes.
She smiled that smile again. I was amazed and elated, as deep down I now knew what that smile meant. I didn't say a word and nor did Danni. We didn't have to. I leant forward and kissed her again, a little longer this time. The kiss was divine and returned completely. I wanted the moment to last forever. We looked into each others eyes again, not a word passing between us.
"It was you I was thinking about," I whispered before kissing her a third time, this time with my lips open a little, my tongue searching and yearning to meet hers. I felt arms go around my waist, pulling me close. Then, in the most incredible moment I could have possibly imagined, my tongue met Danni's. We kissed harder, tongues now swirling together. My hands drifting round her body and pulled her close. I could feel my breasts pressed against hers. Her hard nipples moving against me. My hard nipples pressed to her.
Danni's hands cupped my cheeks as she held me close, our mouths wide as our tongues moved and explored together. It was the most erotic and intimate moment of my life. Everything I'd dreamed about was coming true.
After what seemed like an eternity our lips parted. We just stood there gazing at each other, holding tight. Our hands grasped and stroked each others backs and bums. I was buzzing! We had shared something beyond friendship and I knew I had to say something.
"Wow," was all I could manage.
"Surprised?" Danni replied, smiling again as she looked into my eyes.
"That's an under statement to say the least. What now?" I said.
"How about goodnight for now?" Danni said, "And how about we meet again soon?"
She didn't need to say any more. I knew we would never be the same again. I knew I was looking to forward to our next meeting more than anything in the world. I knew I wanted more. I knew I wanted Danni. I knew she wanted me. We both knew from the looks each others faces that kissing would just be the start next time.