My best friend once said, "Dogs should be named after guns. They deserve names like Colt, Remington, Winchester, Savage, Kimber, or Ruger." 

When you call for your dog, you don't want to shout out weak, silly, or foolish names like Booger, Voldemort, Skidmark, or Fluffy. You want a name that adds character or gravitas to man's best friend. Those weak and silly names should be reserved for cats. Fluffy, Tigger, and Boots are perfect for cats.  Names like Mauser, Blaser, Henry, or Colt are just the type of names needed for dogs. Even Smith and Wesson works for a dog.

While, "a rose by any other name," may work for roses, a man's dog must have a fitting name. You get the idea.
 I could go on and on about dogs and cats but let's talk about the naming of cocks. This is as important as just about anything else in life.

Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones - whatever attributes they have - cocks need fitting names, too!
I mean, really, "A Cock Named Fluffy" is like a "Boy Named Sue." It will cause men and women to snicker at the wrong time or place, which definitely destroys a romantic moment's mood. You don't want that to happen, do you?

If a man pays homage to his cock by naming it, he develops a healthy relationship with what will become his BFF. Is there anything that brings a man more joy than his cock having a climactic moment? I don't think so. (It's always helpful when masturbating to call one's cock by name!) 

Does every man name his member? Perhaps not. But why not? 

And if a man is married, his wife will know her husband's nickname - or cockname - for his member. She'll completely understand the intimate relationship between her husband and his cock once she knows its secret name. And when a man shares his cockname with his lover, well, that's almost like being engaged. Sharing one's cockname is profoundly intimate, and I hope every woman recognizes that it isn't something to fuck around with. Well, it is, but not in the wrong way. When a relationship becomes serious, a woman ought to know its name, for goodness sake!

In my view, respectably-sized cocks (seven inches or greater) should be named after influential men, like generals, warriors, or conquerors.

The names of great men include Patton, Stonewall, President Johnson, The General, The Admiral, Geronimo, or possibly even Big Mac. Each name infuses a sense of manly purpose into a cock's character, or is it demeanor? I never remember the difference between the two.

Similarly, "Douglas" appears to be a respected name for an older man's erection. As an older woman, you know in your loins that you're simply going to have comfortable sex with "Douglas." You just are. That's the way it is.

Undersized men (five inches or less) might consider naming their outstanding (and yet proud) members after shorter but accomplished men like Teddy "Rough Rider" Roosevelt aka "The Bully," Stallone (Rocky), Bogart (Bogie), Winston Churchill (Winnie?), or even Custer - for the vainglorious among us. 

The average cock, between five and seven inches, also has a set of legendary men to choose from, like Napoleon (or humorously Bone-apart), Ulysses, Washington (General George), or Mr. Johnson. The untrimmed man might also consider "Woolly Bully!"

Of course, men don't always follow convention. Some cocks may be given the names of Roman, Greek, or Norse gods: Atlas, Hercules, Zeus, Apollo, Thor, and Odin. Humorous names might include Attila (the Fun), Shaka (or "Shake a") Zulu, and, surprisingly, Chewie or Chewbacca might actually be appropriate for some thicker, hairier dicks.

In today's era, superheroes have names that might garner attention. Batman, Hulk, and Black Panther come to mind right now. 

And for the supersized man (or supersized ego), King Kong and Godzilla are huge possibilities! But please avoid using these names if you are under six inches. No one's going to believe you, especially if you have small hands and feet.
Does your man have a personal name for his cock? Does he get excited if you cheer it on? 

There's nothing as pleasing to a man as hearing his lover shout, "Oh, Captain, My Captain!" or. "Bring Big Mac over here, honey!" His chest will swell with pride just as much as his erection. It's a fact!

(Now, this is where I have to acknowledge that the phrase "Let's Go Brandon!" has intensely erotic, heels-in-the-air, super-passionate, and very-fuckable meaning. You just know you are going to be well-fucked if you whisper to your politically savvy husband, "Let's Go, Brandon!" when he's inside you!)

If you're the paramour of a man who named his cock, please leave a comment on the secret name of your lover's privates! We all deserve to know, don't we? Don't be shy. Go ahead and out him! 

No man should ever name his cock "Barbie" or "Fluffy." And no wife or girlfriend should ever tell his secret if he did. So remember, if you do out this secret name, it may cause your lover to dump you.

Dogs should be named after good, reliable guns, and men's cocks should be named after accomplished men or something similar. Just sayin'.

It's the natural order of things.

Caesar and I thank you for reading this. We are looking for a woman who calls her vagina "Cleopatra." Is that you?
P.S. I named my testes Zeus and Tyndareus in a moment of a twisted and loosely connected attempt at humor. Hehehe, it's a Dad joke, for sure!