"Ho! Ho! Ho! Welcome to another edition of 'Letters To Santa', the show where yours truly reads letters from viewers like you on the air. Now before we get to this weeks' letters, Santa wants all of you to know that this past year has been one for the ages, and not in a good way. As I'm certain many of you already know, Santa has had a few legal problems I had to deal with. You may recall on last years' Christmas show, I threatened to burn down the house of a man named Jay, from New York. Well wouldn't you know it, his house actually did burn down on New Year's Eve. Of course, the police paid Santa a visit. I tell you, it's political correctness gone amok. I mean what kind of world are we living in where you can't even threaten to burn someones' house down without becoming a suspect the second it happens?"
"Well anyway, that matter was cleared up. Santa was way too ill to be anywhere except home in bed on New Year's Eve. You see, there's something about Christmas that gets the Misses extra hot for sex. And I don't mean the just slam it in, pull it out and roll over and go to sleep kind. She wants the works, which means going down on her for long periods of time. Now normally, this wouldn't be a bad thing, but at Christmas, we tend to eat a lot of foods we don't normally eat and this can manifest into some really horrible gas. Since Mrs.Clause is one of those silent but deadly types, Santa's nose doesn't get any warning until it literally hits me in the face. Santa doesn't dare look in the mirror afterward because when she lets loose with one of those room evacuators, I just know my face is going to be green. The police officers took one look at me and knew I was in no condition to be anywhere except where I was. Also, Santa left out the part where Jay asked for gasoline for Christmas. Yup, just poured it down the chimney."
"None of the reindeer mentioned it either. One wanted to, but Santa convinced him otherwise. By the way, the answer to last weeks trivia question, 'How many reindeer does it take to pull Santa's sleigh?', has been revised. The correct answer is now, 'One less than it normally takes'. That's all I'm going to say about it. Santa's in enough trouble without implicating himself in any more shenanigans, if you catch my snow drift. See what I did there? Combining snow and drift? Don't worry, Santa's not quitting his Christmas Eve gig any time soon."
"So anyway, two weeks later, Santa finally starts feeling better when I get a letter telling me that one of my products, 'The Automatic Vibromatic All In One Sex Tool', was being recalled, not because it didn't work, but because it was considered to be too dangerous. Now if you've never seen one of these things, it's a sex toy that has every possible function you can imagine. Essentially, you'll never need another sex toy, because it does everything. Call it the Swiss army knife of sex toys. In fact, it has a Swiss army knife function, which includes a handy corkscrew. Now I will admit putting the chainsaw function button next to the vibrate button wasn't the smartest idea Santa ever came up with, but come on, what's so dangerous about vibrating a tree down? And yes, it does fire bullets but who's going to be dumb enough to use it while it's loaded? And yes, there is a rocket attachment that's capable of shooting down planes, satellites, asteroids and possibly the moon, but come on, who's going to do that? We even put a warning label on the box, 'For legal reasons, please do not take out the moon'. Doesn't that cover all the bases?"
"So Santa's been fighting that in court in addition to trying to get ready for this most recent Christmas, which in itself turned into an adventure. Santa barely finished delivering all the Christmas presents because I was almost arrested for, believe it or not, attempted sexual assault. Just to be clear here, that didn't happen. For all you ladies out there, it's Christmas Eve. You've got to know there's going to be a man coming down your chimney. Not only was this woman naked, she was sleeping under the Christmas tree. I mean, how does this not smell like a set up? Now Santa will admit to taking pictures, available on my website by the way, but in no way, shape or form, did Santa ever touch her."