"Ho! Ho! Ho! Welcome to another edition of 'Letters To Santa', the show where yours truly reads letters from viewers like you on the air. Now before we get to this weeks' letters, Santa wants all of you to know that this past year has been one for the ages, and not in a good way. As I'm certain many of you already know, Santa has had a few legal problems I had to deal with. You may recall on last years' Christmas show, I threatened to burn down the house of a man named Jay, from New York. Well wouldn't you know it, his house actually did burn down on New Year's Eve. Of course, the police paid Santa a visit. I tell you, it's political correctness gone amok. I mean what kind of world are we living in where you can't even threaten to burn someones' house down without becoming a suspect the second it happens?"
"Well anyway, that matter was cleared up. Santa was way too ill to be anywhere except home in bed on New Year's Eve. You see, there's something about Christmas that gets the Misses extra hot for sex. And I don't mean the just slam it in, pull it out and roll over and go to sleep kind. She wants the works, which means going down on her for long periods of time. Now normally, this wouldn't be a bad thing, but at Christmas, we tend to eat a lot of foods we don't normally eat and this can manifest into some really horrible gas. Since Mrs.Clause is one of those silent but deadly types, Santa's nose doesn't get any warning until it literally hits me in the face. Santa doesn't dare look in the mirror afterward because when she lets loose with one of those room evacuators, I just know my face is going to be green. The police officers took one look at me and knew I was in no condition to be anywhere except where I was. Also, Santa left out the part where Jay asked for gasoline for Christmas. Yup, just poured it down the chimney."
"None of the reindeer mentioned it either. One wanted to, but Santa convinced him otherwise. By the way, the answer to last weeks trivia question, 'How many reindeer does it take to pull Santa's sleigh?', has been revised. The correct answer is now, 'One less than it normally takes'. That's all I'm going to say about it. Santa's in enough trouble without implicating himself in any more shenanigans, if you catch my snow drift. See what I did there? Combining snow and drift? Don't worry, Santa's not quitting his Christmas Eve gig any time soon."
"So anyway, two weeks later, Santa finally starts feeling better when I get a letter telling me that one of my products, 'The Automatic Vibromatic All In One Sex Tool', was being recalled, not because it didn't work, but because it was considered to be too dangerous. Now if you've never seen one of these things, it's a sex toy that has every possible function you can imagine. Essentially, you'll never need another sex toy, because it does everything. Call it the Swiss army knife of sex toys. In fact, it has a Swiss army knife function, which includes a handy corkscrew. Now I will admit putting the chainsaw function button next to the vibrate button wasn't the smartest idea Santa ever came up with, but come on, what's so dangerous about vibrating a tree down? And yes, it does fire bullets but who's going to be dumb enough to use it while it's loaded? And yes, there is a rocket attachment that's capable of shooting down planes, satellites, asteroids and possibly the moon, but come on, who's going to do that? We even put a warning label on the box, 'For legal reasons, please do not take out the moon'. Doesn't that cover all the bases?"
"So Santa's been fighting that in court in addition to trying to get ready for this most recent Christmas, which in itself turned into an adventure. Santa barely finished delivering all the Christmas presents because I was almost arrested for, believe it or not, attempted sexual assault. Just to be clear here, that didn't happen. For all you ladies out there, it's Christmas Eve. You've got to know there's going to be a man coming down your chimney. Not only was this woman naked, she was sleeping under the Christmas tree. I mean, how does this not smell like a set up? Now Santa will admit to taking pictures, available on my website by the way, but in no way, shape or form, did Santa ever touch her."
"The police officer actually believed me, but even so, Santa had to do some heavy negotiating to keep from getting arrested. By the way, Tom in Oklahoma, I appologize for the condition of the sex doll I brought you. That police officer was determined to get his money's worth. I was surprised it was still in one piece after he was done with it. The poor fella seemed like he hadn't had any in years."
"So anyway, enough about my problems, it's time to get to this week's letters. Our first letter comes from Jill in Ohio. "Dear Santa, last time, on your Christmas show, you talked about the 'Muff Mower' and how it took a while to perfect it. You said that the original design was not safe and to just ask Prancer about it, so I sent him a letter, asking him what happened and he never responded. Could you please ask him for me? Because I'm quite curious as to what went wrong."
"Well Jill, thanks for your interest, but I didn't mean for anyone to actually ask him what happened. That's just an expression. Just to let you know, Prancer's not ignoring you, it's just one those terrible days that I'm sure he just would rather not revisit. You know, I never knew reindeer could scream so loud or for so long. I mean, we all saw what happened. You'd think he'd know that we knew it hurt. You know that old saying, 'this is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you'? After seeing that, no one, except Prancer, gets to say that anymore. So as to what really happened? I'm afraid that's something you'll just have to leave to your own imagination. Trust me, your imagination could never imagine something that bad. Thanks for the letter, Jill."
"Our next letter comes from Paul in Washington State. "Dear Santa, I've noticed when you talk, you keep switching back and forth between first person and third person. Would you please be decisive and just pick one and stay with it. It gets annoying listening to you when you do this."
"Well Paul, I'm glad you brought this up. Santa was just thinking about whether or not he was going to put you on his naughty list or nice list. Santa was having trouble deciding. But you're right, it's time for me to pick one and stay with it. And so, Paul is now on Santa's permanent who's been naughty list. It comes with benefits Santa's not at liberty to disclose, but it probably wouldn't be a bad idea to get some extra fire insurance, if you catch my snow drift. Hey, don't blame me. It wasn't my idea, it was Santa's. Is that third person enough for you?"
"Our next letter comes from George in Florida. "Dear Santa, is the story of Rudolph true?"
"Well George, to answer your question, yes and no. There was indeed a reindeer named Rudolph, but the story is not quite the one everyone has heard all these years. In fact, Rudolph, now retired, just saw a movie about himself with his children and his grandkids. While his family seemed to enjoy it, Rudolph was becoming agitated and finally couldn't take it anymore and switched off the TV while shouting, "Those Hollywood butchers! That's not how it happened!" One of his grandkids asked, "How so Grandpa?", to which he dropped his pants, pointed at his penis and shouted, "Does this look like a shiny red nose to you?"
"So there you have it George, the true story of Rudolph. Minus the heavy drinking and the homicidal rage. I mean really, how did they turn it into a children's story? Thanks for the letter George."
"Our last letter comes from Debbie in Virginia. "Dear Santa, no, Dear Scumbag, I know you took some pictures. I've seen it on your website. I'm calling my lawyer..."
"Oookay, that's all the time we have for this week. Be sure to tune in next time when Santa will be reviewing some hot Christmas theme girl/girl films like, 'How The Girl Screwed On Christmas', 'A Christmas With Carol' and 'It's a Wonderful Lick'. Until then, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!"
