Chapter1

Arthur’s Story

Guinevere, my love, my soul mate... My absolute pain in the arse. They say behind every great man there is an even greater woman... Yup, whoever said that was obviously in his wife’s bad book. I mean, I’m never out of Guinevere’s bad book. She may as well be writing a fucking novel. It must have a contents page that reads like a parts manual for one of those fancy new trebuchets.

You would think being King would mean that I had the power to do what you want, when I want. If I wanted to have a dump in peace, then I should be able to ferment in the smell. But no, as soon as the turd hits the moat water, I’m up and out, making sure not to use her hand towel.

Guinevere wears the crown. She might lend it to me while walking around my kingdom. But in the castle... She’s the boss.

Still I crave for Guinevere.

I’m currently lying on the bed, naked like a turkey waiting to be basted. I had both beards trimmed and my best crown tilted to left, just as she likes it. The royal standard was flying full mast. His majesty was in residence and ready to rock his kingdom. Wearing a smile I watched the bed drapes part as the naked Guinevere knelt on to the mink bedspread. As she reached over me her tits swung like a heifer’s udders. Like a dog waiting to be patted, I arched my neck allowing my eyes to follow the woman I doted. “It’s good to know we still have it, my love?”

“What on earth are you on about, Arty?”

“I’m ready to pillage your pussy.” My heart thumped away like a March hare while Guinevere straddled my thighs. I reached down and held my stiff cock, brushing it against her tight curls. “Open the gates, or no mercy will be given.”

Guinevere reached under her pillow and pulled out her night robe. “Come on, put Excalibur away.”

“Why? It’s been so long since you polished the crown jewels.”

“I’m trying to get ready for the jester... but I can’t find my special knickers.”

That hurt. I know Guinevere hates that jester. He is about as funny as standing in dog muck. The knob can’t even juggle... I mean, what kind of bloody Jester can’t juggle?

Still, the jester was the best on offer. Never mind invading Saxons or rampaging Vikings, I can deal with them. No, the worst thing about no longer being under Roman occupation is the lack of entertainment. They took their gladiators, chariot racing and orgies back to Rome... and left behind Jesters who can’t juggle.

I suppose that’s why people are calling it the Dark Ages.

So with my cock in hand, I began to wank myself while I watched my wife get ready for the hapless jester. “Just bend over for me and let me see your drains.”

“Drains... what a horrible expression.”

“Sorry, Merlin taught me that.”

“You’re spending too much time with Merlin, he’s nothing but a perverted old man.”

“He’s not that old, he’s just ravaged by alcohol.” I began to really squeeze my cock as Guinevere bent over for me. She sighed as she spread her legs and leant over the sideboard. My eyesight is not what it once was, so I shuffled to the end of the bed while she reached around and parted her fleshy arse cheeks.

“Don’t touch me, Arty. I’ve not been washed.”

Guinevere was right, I could smell her musty wilds.”As if that would bother me.” Although not completely lying, she was rather pungent. Despite this, I rattled myself silly. Her brown cherry puckered up, and I could see the salmon pink of her pussy.

Nearing an orgasmic cliff, my eyes squinted like a constipated dog.“Right, I’m tipping my curd on your behind.”

“No, wait.”

To my pleasant surprise Guinevere spun on her heels then dropped to her haunches. At point blank range I blasted her in the face with two sacks of royal cum. My love juice crisscrossed her beauty like a spider’s web. I shook my head and smiled like a guilty dog. “You’re amazing, Guin... but it’s so not like you.”

“Merlin told me it will give me eternal beauty.”

“Merlin should practice what he preaches, then. He has a face like a worn out sock.”

Guinevere stood up and gazed into the mirror. She began rubbing my cum into her cheeks. “You should offer him your services.”

“People would start talking.... I could bottle him some, though.”

“He tried to convince me to try his first... I’m telling you, he is getting beyond a joke.”

“He’s misunderstood, that’s all.”

“If he wasn’t such a fine sorcerer, I’d suggest you seek the magic of another druid... one a little less creepy.”

I was fond of Merlin, and hearing Guinevere’s distaste from my friend hurt. “He’s my drinking buddy though. We are two of the same kind.”

It’s true. Merlin and I had grown up together. I admit he looks older than my granddad, but he always looked the same. Back in school, parents used to think he was paedophile knocking around school kids all the time... but he was the same age. So he tells me...Anyway, he also tells me his prepubescent beard was a result of his supernatural ability, a physical consequence of the strain that the magic puts on his body.

Merlin is such a nice guy too. He loves and cares about me. So much so, he wanted to vet Guinevere before I slept with her. He told me if he died or caught a disease from her, then she was obviously no good for me... Guinevere said no to the idea.

The hearty laughter that echoed around the cavernous court suddenly stopped as the trumpeted anthem announced our arrival. Guinevere and I walked into the room to applause before we sat at the round table with my loyal knights and trusted advisors.

As always, I sat opposite Lancelot. We’re closer than brothers, but like all siblings we have our rough patches. This was one of the more testing ones. I nodded in acknowledgment. “Evening, Lance”

“Good Day, my Liege.”

You can always tell when Lancelot is sucking up. He stops calling me Arty, and reverts to my title. “Stop with the cock sucking, Lance.”

“If you say so.”

There is no real problem with Lancelot, he is a fine man, and a great warrior. But I’m a jealous fool. His face could be chiselled by God’s very own hands. The man fears no one, and has killed more men that the plague. Yet the same man is so soft, he would jump from his horse to help an elderly lady carry her food from the market.

If I’m being honest, my problem is with Guinevere. She literally creams herself every time she’s in the same room as Lancelot. I wish she saw me in the same light as him, but I’m not even worthy to be Lancelot’s shadow. It’s not just Guinevere, even I, when we’re on campaign together... feel myself being lured by his all consuming charm. There was one time when we were imprisoned by the Normans, and shared the same dungeon... Actually we won’t go in to that.

Anyway, back to my story. I know Guinevere well, and I know she would jump at the chance to ride Lancelot until he buckled. My suspicions grew when within a minute of arriving the pair was exchanging flirtations not seen since Adam showed Eve his pet snake. I whispered in Guinevere’s ear. “Concentrate on the jester you were so keen to see.”

“I would if he didn’t keep dropping his balls.”

“It’s not his balls that I’m worried about.”

“Oh, Arthur, please. Stop it with the jealousy.”

In need of a distraction I glanced about the room to find Merlin. However he was already wasted, and snored with the dogs in front of the huge fire. I raised my goblet of ale and finished it one... It was going to be a long night.

The jester was particularly bad. We booed him off the stage. He was so flustered he walked face first straight into the closed door. We awarded him with the loudest applause of the night. As blood began to pour from his nose, I began to think that it wasn’t in fact a part of his act... Still, at least he won my affection, and right to keep his head.

My guests and I had retired to the banquet hall where an informal orgy of meat eating ensued. I pretended to be engaged in conversation with the town mayor, who was trying to convince me to change the name of our town from Cameltoe to Camelot. I nodded without really listening. My mind was on Guinevere who passed herself around the male guests like a tray of spuds. They ogled her as if they were checking for blemishes, but they wouldn’t find one as she had skin like the finest white linen.

I was rather unsurprised when Guinevere ended up with her favourite, Sir fucking Lancelot. I thought I was a good judge of character, but we’ve been married nearly ten years, and I still haven’t worked her out. Is she a slut on the sly? Or is she just good at using her unrivalled beauty to get what she wants? She has won me as much land using her pert arse as Lancelot has with his sword.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Lancelot placed his arm around Guinevere’s waist and left it to linger... Not only that, but she lay both hands on his chest, rubbing his fucking pecks.

In normal circumstances I would have erupted right there and then. Lance would have been hung over the battlements by his testicles. However Lancelot is my main man. The guy has literally won wars for me. The truth is, if he wants to touch my wife up... I just have to let him, even if it kills me.

Still I’m the King, and Guinevere is my queen... maybe I can reason with him behind closed doors.

Alone, I sat slumped at my desk. The scraping of my trusty dagger reverberated around the bare stone walls as I chiselled my frustration into the English oak. I dropped the dagger onto the table as I heard footsteps outside my door. Lance’s signature knock gave his name away. “Enter Lance.”

As expected, Sir Gobshite popped his handsome face around the door. “You look worried, Arty.” He entered the room with his usual swagger. “Is everything alright?”

“So, so.”

“Are the borders of the realm intact?”

“My sadness relates to matters on the home front.”

“Look, the Jester was bad, but...”

“It’s not the bloody Jester.”I rested my elbow on the solid oak, and held my head in my hand. “Give it to me straight Lance, are you fucking Guin?”

“Lord, no.”

“Blow job... licked her out?”

“No.”

I twirled the dagger on its stabbing point. “Please, you’ve at least given her a good fingering.”

“Not even a friendly bum slap.”

My anger swelled inside and I stabbed the dagger into oak table. “Stop fucking with me, Lance.” I stood from my chair and glared at the man who I wished I was. “You can’t keep your hands off Guin... and rather worryingly she can’t keep hers off you.”

“I’m gay... remember the dungeon in Calais, France?”

That was a memory that came home to bite. “Yeah... but that was just passing time.”

“I have a pink shield and my horse’s mane is bleached and permed. Arty, I’m not interested in Guinevere, never have been. Never will be.”

“Promise.”

“I promise.” Lance opened his arms. “Now come here for a manly hug.”

I glanced away, trying to act hard to get. But as Lance walked around my table, I couldn’t resist receiving a hug from my battle winner. “Sure. Why not.” I suddenly felt Lance’s hand on my arse cheek. “Lance!”

“Still have a bubble bum, don’t you? Must be all that venison.”

“Go on. Sling your hook.”

“Not coming for a beer?”

“I promised Guin, I’ll be back before midnight.”

“Who wears the crown?” Lancelot lumped his muscular arms over my shoulder. “Come on, the lads managed to wake Merlin up... Last time I saw him he was shooting thunderbolts from his arsehole.”

“I can probably squeeze a quick one in, then.”

Chapter 2

Guinevere’s Story

Arthur, the bane of my life. If it wasn’t for the castle, his riches, and the fact he is easier to walk over than a bearskin rug, I’d have run over the draw bridge long ago. He moans, complains, and whines like a cat stuck in the rain. His days are spent moping around the royal quarters looking like someone has just slaughtered his dog. Argh! Just thinking about him makes me want to jump into the moat.

It’s not just Arthur, it’s England.... Why did I choose a man who lives in a land where it rains more than a drunk man pisses. Let me answer that, I didn’t. My Pops married me off as a gesture to Arthur’s old man who had saved his arse in some ancient battle... If only he knew what he was going to put me through.

Anyway, back to the story. Now that Arthur and the rest were smashed, I wanted an early night. I leaned forward and pressed my lips on Arthur’s cheek. “I’m off to bed, Love.”

“Want me to join you?”

“No, you enjoy yourself with your friends.”

“That’s why I love you.”

“Promise me one thing, though. Be back before midnight.” I don’t need to tell you that I wasn’t being sincere, I could sleep more than fine without him. I’m merely playing the caring wife.

“Of course.”

“Good”

Walking up the spiral staircase my head was filled with thoughts of Lancelot. Now, he is what I call a man, a warrior, a real knight in shining armour. He takes shit from no one, and gives it by the spade full. His toned muscles, chiselled chest and smooth looks get me flowing like a tap. In fact, just talking about lovely Lance made me want to stop and finger myself right here on the cold stone steps.

Now there is a thought.

I hitched my dress and sat down on steps under the flickering light of the flaming wall touch. Spreading my legs I touched myself. The fact someone had stolen my panties actually worked in my favour. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the damp stonewall. My first and third finger spread my outer lips, while my second finger rubbed against my doorbell. I was ringing it like a determined Jehovah’s witness.

My breathing gathered pace and my free hand groped my left breast. In my thoughts Lancelot was working me over as if I was a backstreet whore. He pulled at my hair, and whispered his devilish intentions.

In between moaning and groaning, I called out his name while I continued to flick my naughty bean. I could smell him, taste his skin, feel his every touch. My heart raced and pumped lust through my veins, causing my finger to turn my clit into dust. I then plunged my finger deep, imagining Lancelot had just speared me.

My focus was on my orgasm, and not the steps of the oncoming Merlin.

“Oh, hello.”

I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to come up with something quick. “I tripped and fell.” I winced as I pulled my finger out of my pussy. “I fell on to my fingers which got stuck in my vagina... Oh the perils of not wearing underwear.”

“Lancelot?”

I hung my head. “Yes.”

“What a man.”

“Quite.”

“If you want, I could pretend to be Lance?”

“No, you’re OK, Merlin.” I climbed to my feet, and wiped my fingers dry on my dress. “Thanks for the offer.”

Inebriated as usual, Merlin swayed liked a boat in a storm. His smile was more of a leer. “What are friends for, Guin, if you can’t offer your services?”

“Goodnight, Merlin.”

“Want me to tuck you in?”

“No... Just to fuck off. That will do.” Tired of dealing with the drunk, I continued to climb the steps to my bedroom.

“To think what you could do with that dirty mouth of yours... No wonder Arthur loves you so much.”

“I’m not in the mood to deal with you, Merlin. Just go and have your piss, and leave me alone.”

“Sorry, I’m just a lonely old man.”

I opened the bedroom door. “Night, Merlin.”

“Just a hug?”

“Goodnight.”I slammed the door shut in Merlin’s wrinkly face.

Ready for bed, I got under the mink sheets and rested my head on my goose feather pillow. Denied the orgasm, I thought about finishing myself off. Of course I could wait for Arthur, and jump on him when he comes back. But I doubt he would be up to much after a night on the ale.

I gave a sigh as my thoughts turned to a life destined to be unfulfilled. That may sound harsh, seeing as I am a queen. Also, it’s not that I want to be married to Lancelot. To be honest, I think we would be a disaster, two strong personalities don’t make a good pair. We would argue nonstop, it’s better being married to Arthur the doormat.

Truth be told, I just want to shag Lancelot from sunset to sunrise. He can sod off after that, although it would be nice to be in his strong arms after sex. It would be a change to having a beer belly pushing against the small of my back.

A knock at the door brought me from my thoughts. “Arty, just come in, it’s unlocked.”

“Guin, it’s me, Lance.”

My heart fluttered. I threw the bed sheets back and opened my legs. “I’ve been waiting…”

“Sorry, it’s my fault. Arthur did tell me you wanted him back for twelve.”

“You’ve got him with you..?”

“Yes. He’s drunker than a midget doing backstroke in a keg of ale.”

I punched the mattress. “Crap.’’

“You decent?”

Letting out a sigh, I pulled the bed sheet back up to my neck. “Yes.”

“Right, I’m coming in.”

I watched as Lancelot kicked the door open. He had Arthur draped over his shoulder like a wounded knight. Climbing from the bed, I helped Lancelot drag Arthur to the bed “Thanks, Lance, you’re a good friend.”

“Arty’s no problem at all. If he wasn’t married I’ld fuck him.”

“Excuse me?”

Lancelot seemed flustered. “It’s military term, ma’am. It simply means fuck him up... You know, beat him... for not being marred.”

“Good, I thought you was a pillow biter for a second.” I let the strap of my nightgown slip off my shoulder, exposing my breast down to its standing stone of a nipple “Oh, look what’s just popped out to say hello.”

“I do believe you’re flirting with me, Mrs Pendragon.”

“Flirting, begging, gagging for it, call it what you want. But for God’s sake just take me now.”

Lancelot’s strong hands grabbed my shoulders. I trembled like a newborn lamb. In fact I felt the first orgasmic rush from a man’s touch in nearly a decade. His eyes peered into my soul, and robbed me of my darkest secrets. “I would scuttle you all the way to Avalon and back. But Arthur is my friend, my eternal brother in arms.”

“But he’s sleeping like a baby. Come on, if you’re scared of waking him you can gag me if you want.”

“Guinevere, I am forced to live my life alone. Never to know what it feels like to be touched by the sweet hands of love. “

“Your words make my heart swell, Lance. Please, treat me like one of your girls.”

“It’s not girls I seek, Guin.”

“You... You like men?” I watched through the darkness as Lancelot nodded. “Don’t worry, you can fuck me in my arse.”

“No, you’ve clearly been drinking. Now go to bed.”

“But so have you... we can call it a one night stand. I promise not to bother you again.”

“Goodnight, my sweetness.”

I watched in horror while Lance walked out of the room. As the door clicked shut, I felt embarrassed... and abandoned.

I hung my head while sitting on the edge of the marital bed. Tears trickled down my cheeks. My whimpers were drowned out by Arthur’s drunken snores. Embarrassed and feeling rejected, I felt finished. I could not bear this heart of sadness. Consumed by darkness, I did not care to see the light of day.

In silence I climbed from the bed. The cold stone tiles chilled my feet as I walked to the window. I pulled back the heavy tapestry and looked out onto the battlements. Resting my hands on the ledge, I pulled myself up onto the ledge. Suddenly I heard footsteps from behind the bedroom door. Maybe it was a reprieve from my despair. I whispered, “Who’s that?”

“Guin? You still up?”

In an instant the sadness lifted. “Lance?”

“Want to be treated like a rent boy?”

“Oh, yes.”

I climbed down from the window and tip toed across the bedroom. Wearing a smile, I opened the bedroom door and stepped out into the arms of Lance. “You came back to save me, Lance.”

“I’m going to do more than just save you.”

Hand in hand, Lance led me to his bedroom, and closed the door behind us. The shadowy room was lit by a small candelabrum. Everything was just how I dreamt, I was about to make love to a real man.

Lance’s broad tongue moved tentatively into my mouth. He nibbled my lip, which excited me and caused my nipples to stiffen. I felt my clit swell and I whimpered and moaned while his hands groped my bottom cheeks from under my robe. I shuddered as his finger brushed over my anus. “Oi, cheeky.” I reached for Lance who retreated.

“Sorry... it’s a habit of mine.”

“Don’t be silly. Do what you want.” We continued to act like randy youngsters. In between our groans of passion we chuckled and laughed.

Going for goal, I grabbed his pulsating cock through his trousers. Feeling his dick throbbing in my hand made me smile deep from within. “You want me, don’t you?”

Lance grabbed both my wrists and pushed me hard against the door, then forced his lips on mine. I struggled to breath, and pushed him back to gasp for air. Panting like a sprinting deer, I felt energized like never before... I felt reborn.

The knowledge that I could make Lance as crazy as he made me, justified the betrayal of Arthur. Lance’s tender lips were massaging my ear, his harsh breathing driving me towards a premature orgasm. Feeling his stiff cock rubbing against stomach gave me a preview of what was to come.

Lance let go of me, and stepped back. He reached forward and pulled at the belt of my night robe, letting it fall open and exposed my naked flesh. “Get on your knees, bitch.”

“That’s no way to talk to a queen.”

Lance placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and pushed me to my knees. He then pushed the robe from my shoulder and let it slip to the floor. “Role playing, Guin. Catch up.”

“Oh yes, sorry.” I arched my head back I gazed up at the face of my dreams. I smiled as he unbuckled his belt.

“Take them off.”

I wasn’t used to being told what to do. But the novelty excited me. I unbutton his trousers and pulled them down his legs. Lancelot was definitely gay because he had shaven legs. They were smooth and shiny, like a bald man’s head. But that was the least of my worries as he possessed the cock, of all cocks. It hung right in front of my face, bobbing up and down as the blood travelled its trunk. The thing was a table leg. So when he smacked me in face with it, I felt that I had lost a tooth. Holding my cheek I slapped his naked thigh. “Hey, fuck off, hitting me with that thing.”

“I think you’re going to take a bit of breaking in, that’s all. So I’m just getting it hard.”

“Yeah, but, getting yourself hard nearly gave me a black eye. You may as well clobber me with a rolling pin.”

“Right, if you’re not into happy slapping, you’ll have to suck it then.”

“No need to ask twice, Lance.” I smiled while I held it in my hands. But a rather worrying thought then popped into my head. “You have washed this since the last time you fucked a guy in the backside, right?”

“I washed it just before I came back for you.”

“Phew, that’s a relief, because I’m starving.” I stuck out my tongue and licked the one eyed monster. From the raw taste I guessed Lancelot was lying about washing it. But it was too late, I was hooked. You see, when a girl loves a man, it doesn’t matter if he was a little lax on the hygiene, I couldn’t care less.

While I went about licking the swollen end, I thought about the difference in cocks. But there was just no comparing Lancelot with Arthur. It’s like chipolatas versus footlongs. So I massaged his cock with my hand as I began cleaning him with my tongue.

The fact Lancelot groaned while he stroked my hair urged me on.

“Take me whole, slag.”

All too eager to please my master, I filled my mouth with warm, throbbing cock.

“Further.”

It was a struggle as I impaled myself on his stake. I closed my eyes under the strain of my stretching mouth, and slurped like a blocked plughole.

Lancelot pulled my hair. “Keep looking at me while you suck”

Despite the struggle to take Lancelot, I opened my eyes. My gaze was now fixed on his angelic face. He started to drive himself forward, causing me to choke and retch. Tears streamed from my glazed eyes before trickling down my cheeks. But I dared not break eye contact from my man.

Lance bent his knees a little so he could reach down and have a feel of my tits. But he clearly wasn’t a breast man, because after a moment of twiddling my nipples he once again stood straight. Shame.

“Don’t forget my balls.”

Lancelot was becoming a tad demanding for my liking. Yet I leaned my head back, but Lance pushed me back down onto his shaft.

“I never said stop sucking. Use your hands.”

I reached up and weighed his fleshy acorns in my hand, they felt soft like balls of bread dough. Suddenly Lance threw me off his cock. Saliva shot all over the place.

“Actually, sod the balls, get on the bed.”

“What?”

“I said get on bed, are you deaf..?” Lance climbed to the bed and lay on his back. “Continue with your sucking, while you straddle my face, I’m going to clean you like a gynaecologist.”

“What’s one of them?”

“Something Merlin told me once... Some lucky bastard in the future who gets paid to play with naughty bits all day. All legal too, apparently.”

I couldn’t hide my smile as I straddled Lance’s face. With a mouthful of cock, I winced as he slapped my arse. The stinging pain made me play with the thought of giving a tiny bite. But he then began covering my arse with soothing kisses.

Lance then grabbed my hips and began rubbing his face against my pussy. Feeling a little self conscious I tried to raise my pelvis, but he pulled me back down. Intoxicated with lust, I paused from the sucking to enjoy the sensation of his tongue licking my inner thigh. “That’s wonderful, Lance.” I then begin to quiver as his tongue began to circle my pussy. My head lunged forward from a slap of his hand.

“Keep sucking, Slut.”

I did as I was told, and soon was gorging myself on Lance’s saliva covered cock. Although I wanted nothing more than to concentrate on my own enjoyment, I wanted to show him how good a lover I could be.

Suddenly I felt a short pain inside my bottom. Feeling immense discomfort I screeched and raised my head from his cock. But Lance’s hand brought my back down on his dick, and kept me there. As his licking of my pussy continued, I guessed it must have been his finger fucking my arse. My sphincter pulsed around his knuckles, doing its best not to let go. All I could do was take it.

Suddenly Lance’s two hands shoved me on my arse, and I was thrown from his cock on to the mattress. Face down on the bed, I cringed as Lance spat on my backside, obviously prepping me for anal. “Spitting is a dirty habit.”

“You think that’s dirty, just wait and see what I have in store for you.”

“What’s wrong with my vagina?”

“It’s not your arse.”

Lance climbed on top of me and pushed his wet cock up and down my arse crack. I shuddered every time I felt his knob passed over my small tiny buttonhole.

My heart stopped beating at feeling his bulbous dick poised at the arsehole. Lance then tentatively pushed forward. Gritting my teeth I did my best not to scream as I knew Arthur lay sleeping in the next room. Pushing my face into a pillow, I let out a subdued scream. I dug my fingernails into the mattress as I succumbed to his dominant cock.

My body was frozen by the intense pain. I began to regret my decision as I felt him sink deeper inside. My pain threshold was broken and I repeatedly began to slap my hand on the bed as a sign of my discomfort. Yet pride would not allow me call for him to stop.

Lance was obviously having a whale of a time while he punished me from behind. I didn’t think there would be anything left of me after being split in two by Lance. The slaps of our colliding bodies increased as the pace quickened.

Wrapping me in his arms with his cock still buried deep in my pooper, Lance rolled us both on to our side. Using his arm he drew my legs up while spooning behind me. I then yelped as he gained maximum penetration. He hung on to my tits like a new born while smashing my innards with his cock. Living in fear for my life, I felt I risked puncturing a lung if he sunk any deeper. My tear strewn face cried out. “Lance, I can’t take anymore.”

Lance then jolted and groaned. That’s when I felt the warmth of his love. My insides were soothed by a rush of hot tacky cum.

I felt ruined.

Chapter 3

Arthur’s Story

I woke up with a banging headache. As usual I made myself promises about drinking less, and forcing Merlin to retire from his post as Chief Druid. I then slowly turned my head as I watched Guinevere sat up from the bed. To my surprise she let out a ripping fart. I laughed and pinched my nose. “Christ, Guin, give us some notice so I can open the drapes next time.”

“Why all the drama? It’s only trapped air. It always happens to me after butt sex.”

“What?”

“Erm. I’m just joking... It’s just the sprouts from last night.”

“Oh... that OK.” Stretching out, l let out a groan. “Time to get up.” As I threw back the bed sheets. My eyebrows nearly jumped off my forehead at the sight of what looked suspiciously like cum. “You sure?”

“Yeah... why?”

“That fart blurted what looks like cum all over the bed sheet.”

Guinevere seemed embarrassed and pulled the sheet back up to her neck. “Actually, I didn’t want to say anything... but now you know”

“Go on?”

“When you came back last night, well, you took advantage of me.”

“Did I..?” I felt proud. “But you would never let me stick it in your bum.”

“You surprised me. I tried to get you out... but you know what you’re like, a few thrusts and you squirt.”

“I’m sorry.” I began collecting the cum by scraping my fingers across the sheets.

“What the hell are you doing? I’ll get the maid to clean it up.”

“She’s not having it.”

“What?”

I began rubbing it into my cheeks. “You told me it was good for my skin. Remember?”

“But...”

“Relax, it’s mine anyway. Don’t worry about it being inside your bottom. I see it as you’ve just been keeping it warm for me all night.”

The sun shone brightly, lighting the courtyard in warm golden rays. Loving the good weather I walked with a spring in my step. I then developed a pompous swagger noticing that Guinevere continued to limp. I teased and lightly slapped her bottom cheek.“I wonder what you got up to last night?”

“You have no idea.”

The metallic rattle of the raising portcullis drowned out our conversation. Riding in on his white stallion, Lancelot made his first appearance of the day. He jumped off his horse with fine athleticism. “Morning folks”

I shielded my eyes as the sun reflected off his highly polished armour. “Morning Lance. Great night last night, wasn’t it?”

“Fantastic, I just got back actually. Felt randy as hell after dropping you back. So hit the town for last orders, in the hope of catching some easy pickings.”

Guinevere crossed her arms. “Easy..?”

“Yeah... you know me, less picky than a dung collector.”

Guinevere burst into tears and limped away as quickly as she could.

“What’s up with her? Why is she running like Quasimodo?”

I folded my arms and wore the widest smile that has ever graced my face. “I fucked her in arse.” I then glanced over my shoulder and nodded toward my fine work, before returning to Lancelot. “As you can see, I proper destroyed her.”

“Well done you. You should smile more often, you look younger when you do.”

“No, you know what that is? Merlin told me you should wipe cum on your face. I collected it after she deposited some on the sheets.”

“Arthur... That was just one of Merlin’s jokes.”

“What?”

“You know... like if your horse is tired you should fuck it in arse.”

“But...Oh, no wonder the stable boy doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

“Arthur, surely you know Merlin is never serious... Christ, sometimes I wonder how you became king.”

“It’s heredity, Lance.”

“Interbreeding more like.”

I took off my crown and scratched my thinning hair. “It’s not just me, he fooled Guinevere too.”

“Poor Guin can be gullible at times too.”

“Don’t tell her anything, though, not while she lets me cum on her face every night.”I placed my crown back on my head. “Anyway, I better go and wash my face, then.”

“When you next see Guin. Please send her my sincerest apologies. And tell her that I didn’t mean what I said.” Lancelot brushed his hands through his blond locks. “Sometimes I say or do things without thinking.”

“You know what women are like, Lance. Probably on her period or even worse... Pregnant.”

“Whoa... don’t say that.”

“Yeah... better not. Dealing with Merlin is enough without having kids.”

I opened the bedroom door and stepped inside. Guinevere lay on the bed with her face buried into the pillow. Sitting beside her, I lay a hand on her shoulder. “What happened?”

“Lance is a bastard.”

“I’ve been telling you that for ages, but you’re always telling me he’s a nice guy.”

“I never want to see him again... Hang him.”

I chuckled to myself. “I was thinking about that until he told me he was gay”

“Why would that stop you?”

“Well now not only is he a great battlefield commander, he can interrogate prisoners.”

“Huh?”

“No one likes a dick in the arse.”

Guinevere groaned into the pillow. “Tell me about it.”

“So... are you going to tell me what’s up?”

“Nothing... just forget it.”

“Something’s up... I don’t think I have ever seen you cry before.”

Guinevere lifted her tear strewn face from the pillow. She scowled, “That’s just it, you never see anything.”

“I do.”

“You don’t, you just go around living your life the way the way you want. Meanwhile everyone around are taking advantage of you.”

“Who?”

“I bet if I had sex with someone, you would be too stupid find out... and even if you did, you’ld forgive me in less time than it would for me to call you a pathetic old fool.”

“You wouldn’t betray me, would you?” My heart began to bleed while I watched Guinevere’s face crumble. “Guin?”

“I...”

“Who?”

“You don’t know him...”

“I demand you tell me.”

Guinevere pointed towards the door. “Him.”

I turned around. “Who?”

“The guard.”

I stood from the bed and drew my trusty sword, Excalibur. “Guard!” The door opened and in ran the guard. I thrust my sword into his chest, then kicked him off my bloodied blade. I glanced at my wife. “Tell me, was it him who bummed you?”

“Yes.”

I glared at the dying guard. “You cheeky bastard.” Luckily I was wearing my armoured boots, so I began kicking him, taking years and years frustration out on the hapless dying man.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead, and felt my belly rumble. “Right... now that’s sorted, let’s go and see what’s for dinner.”

“Violence always makes me hungry.”

“And you say I know nothing.”

Guinevere stepped over dead guard. She flashed the smile she knew I loved. Then put her arm around my waist. “I fancy roast duck... You?”

“I’m feeling a little heavy, might go for a salad.”

I was walking the gardens to digest my food. It also gave me a chance to clear my mind off the day’s events. But my thinking time was interrupted by my useless Cheif Druid, Merlin. “Hey, I got a bone to pick with you, Fuck Face.”

“I told you that feeding the horse distracts it while your mounting it from behind... if you got kicked it’s your fault.”

“Yeah, about that. I’ve been rubbing cum on my face and fucking tired horses for the past month. Stop it with the practical jokes... they’re shit.”

“I think they’re quite funny.”

“They’re not.” My pointed finger brushed his bony nose. “I’ve been walking around with a knob that smells like a fish monger’s apron and a face that smells like a teenager’s bedroom.”

“I don’t know what your problem is. My cock smells a lot worse after what I got up last night.” Merlin scratched his nuts. “How is Guin after her bumming?”

“H... How do you know?”

“I’m.” Merlin ran his fingers through his whispery beard. “I’m... omnipresent.”

“Look, I don’t even know what that means, but if you’ve been hiding under my bed again, then you obviously knew it wasn’t me.”

“I...”

“Merlin, I’ve given you more chances that a special needs kid. You have to start giving me something back.”

“One day jokes like that will be frowned upon.”

I thought he had a cheek. “What? And telling your best mate to wipe cum on his face isn’t?”

“That joke, Sir, is timeless.”

My fist clenched and my arm curled to throw a punch. “Why didn’t you tell me about the guard?”

“Oh... the guard. Right... It was dark, and I was too busy rubbing away in the shadows to notice it wasn’t you.”

“You’re a dirty bastard.”

“Look on the bright side, you now have a free pass?”

I folded my arms.“For what?”

“To go out and get revenge.”

“I can’t sorry, I love Guin.”

“You’re foolish.”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m not... I just have my nuts in a vice.”

“You haven’t got any nuts to squeeze.”

Chapter 4

Lancelot’s Story

I smiled into the mirror while passing the comb through my golden locks. “Having to look at a face as handsome every morning, no wonder I turned out gay.” Obviously grooming plays a major part in my daily routine. After all, it would be a sin not to indulge.

The bedroom door smashed open. Dropping my comb, I turned to face an angry Guinevere. “Not heard of knocking?”

“Lance, you utter bastard.”

“Don’t take out your period pains on me.” I turned back to gaze into the mirror. Not even an emotional queen could interrupt my worship. “Can you not see I’m busy?”

“Lance!”

The incessant bitch was relentless. I put down the comb and turned to face Guinevere. “What is it?”

“How dare you sleep with me... and then have to guts to refer to me as easy pickings.”

“Come again?”

“I said...”

“Whoa. I know what you said... but I would never rodger you, honest.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“I am many things, devishly handsome, intelligent and quick witted to name but a few. But crazy isn’t one of them.”

“Arrogant tool”

“OK, you named another one, well done.” I sat on the bed and patted the mattress for Guinevere to sit. However she remained stood. I glanced up at the crest fallen queen. “Come on, what is it? Tell me what all this is about.”

“Last night we had sex. You have to remember, or I’ll go insane.”

“Guin, if I was straight I’d be smashing you all over the battlements. But I’m not. Now please, relax and talk me through what happened.”

“Last night, after you dropped Arthur off... we had a moment.”

“You mean you begged me to fuck you. Don’t worry, though, I get it all the time. But I left.”

“Yes, but after you left, you came back and wrecked my... bottom.” Guinevere grimaced as she placed a hand on her behind. “It’s still looser than a stretched sock.”

“Whoa, stop right there. I went to town, I promise. I was busting butts in an alleyway behind the Dragon’s Inn. Anyway, I thought Arthur told me it was the Guard.”

“No, I just told him that to save your arse... even though you wrecked mine. Have you not seen my limp?”

I felt my chin as Guin shifted her weight to her good leg. “I mean, that limp is my signature... But I know what I did and didn’t do. Who else was around?”

“No one came into my room... I did pass Merlin on the stairs, though.”

“There you go, question Merlin, maybe he saw something... or did something. After all, he is a right dirty fucker.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But there was no beard, and this guy was tall and well built... it was you, I’m certain of it. We talked while we fucked. I heard your voice, smelt your skin. Lance I’m more than certain it was you.”

All this was becoming too much for me. Now you know why I’m gay, these women are fucking nuts.“Look, you’re freaking me out now, Guin. I gotta go.”

“You’re freaked out? Imagine how I feel?”

“Have a word with Merlin.”

“The man disgusts me. And so do you for not admitting to what you have done.”

This broad wasn’t giving up. No wonder Arthur is pussy whipped. “I won’t admit to something I didn’t do.” I picked up my sword belt and buckled it to my waist. “All I have left to say is this, Arthur is more than my King, he is my brother. Why would I sleep with his wife? Now, forgive me. I have work to do.”

“You bastard.”

I bowed to a tearful Guinevere. “Good day to you, Ma’am.”

Inside the royal stables I placed my foot into my horse’s stirrup. As I lifted my leg, the saddle bag came loose and dropped onto the cobbles. “Fucking hell.” It wasn’t like me to make such an amateurish error.

I lifted myself back down and picked up my saddle bag. Guinevere had me worried, in fact she was all I could think about. This crazy woman could be the death of me. Last night I had been drinking, yes. I did have a fair few pints in fact. But I felt in control at all times and my mind was definitely clear.

As I reattached the saddle bag, the sun painted a shadow of a man on the whitewashed wall. I glanced over my shoulder to spot Arthur. “Oh... Hello, Arthur.”

“I have been watching you, you seem rather flustered.”

“Nothing, just feel a little rough after last night. Think I’m too old to live the life of a young man.”

“It’s more than that.”

I hate being questioned. Pressure makes me crumble, and I’m the worst liar in the world “Your wife is going crazy. You should take her to see a priest or some kind of medicine man.”

“Tell me about it. Guin is a proper ball wrecker isn’t she? But it’s not like you to have a go at her. What’s up?”

I really have to learn to start lying. In fact there is no time like the present. “She... burst into my room and accused me of... sleeping with...’’ A blank canvas formed in my mind. My cringe was there for the world to see. “Merlin.”

“I know you’re gay... but Merlin?

“I know I would stick a dead horse, before sleeping with Merlin.

“Anyway, don’t worry about Guin. She has been acting really funny with me too. Been bursting into tears every few minutes. Poor girl is a cart wreck...”

I sighed with relief. Good job Arthur is as gullible as an innocent child. “What do you think is wrong with Guin?”

“I have told her that all is forgiven. I have also told her not to be embarrassed about farting his cum out this morning... I mean, you must now about that... being a bummer.”

“Yeah... Bubbly trumps aren’t the best.” I climbed onto my horse. “But can’t be helped.”

“Where are you off to?”

“I was told Merlin was in the woods collecting herbs for this magic, so thought I would have chat. You coming?”

“No, you go. If he tells you smoke something... I’d advise you decline, not while he has you alone in the woods.”

The sun shone as I rode along the wooded path. My horse’s hoofs clipped along the stony ground. All the time I kept a vigilant eye out for bandits. Suddenly a flock of starlings flew out of the canopy of trees. I placed my hand on the hilt of my sword, ready to draw my blade at a moment’s notice.

A naked woman dashed out. Her healthy tits swayed in the summer rays as she ran. The woman stopped and stared at me. She seemed in a panic while her pale skin was gleamed with sweat. I recognised her as one of the girls from the whorehouse, Edith I seemed to recall. Her overgrown bush would never be expectable in the gay community. The girl then continued running across the road and back into the trees.

I kicked my horse to continue but stopped again as Merlin ran out holding a rabbit by its ears. “Merlin?”

“Oh, hello... Have you seen a naked woman around here?”

“I thought you were collecting herbs..? Not rabbits.”

“I was... but felt the urge to go rabbitting... Hey, stop looking at my cock.”

He was pretty well hung... but it looked rather diseased. “Your woman ran towards town.”

“Right... I’ll be on by way then.”

“Hey, I wanted a word, actually.”

“Come on lance... I need to make sure I catch her to get my monies worth.”

“Guinevere.”

“What about the randy bitch.”

I watched the rabbit kicking with its hind legs. Its fur was matted with some kind of grease. “Guin is acting all strange around me. You know why?”

“Err, no... come on Lance, hurry up. There’s a cold breeze here, my dick shrivelling up like dried fruit.”

My suspicion grew while I watched Merlin fidget. He was acting like a guilty man facing the chop.“You know something about Guinevere, what is it? Guinevere... you like her don’t you?”

“Who doesn’t?”

“You would break her doors down, wouldn’t you. What happened last night?”

“Alright, alright.” Merlin gave his cock a little rub before pushing it down with his hand. “Last night, on the stairs, I caught her wanking.”

“Really?”

“God’s honest truth. She was rubbing so hard that her hand became a blur.”

“What a strange woman. Not really stately behaviour.”

“Strange... I’d love a girl like that... turned me on like a light bulb.”

I had no idea what the mad magician was on about. “What’s a light bulb?”

“Forget it, they’ll be around long after you’re ten feet under. Can I go now?”

“No, tell me more. What happened after that?”

“N.. nothing.”

I snapped. “Merlin!”

“Alright, I watched in the shadows while I rattled one out. Before quietly leaving.”

“Right... Here was me thinking that it was the God damn pigeons making all that mess on the stairs.” I took my horse’s reins in hand. “Right, now you can fuck off.”

As Merlin ran off searching for his whore, I suddenly realised his events didn’t quite tally with those of Guinevere... Shit, I wonder where’s all this leading too? Merlin must have sticky wand involved somehow.

That evening I found myself back in Cameltoe, where I found a worried Arthur pacing the dusty courtyard alone. “You have to get rid of Merlin... he’s a liability.”

“As if I haven’t got enough on my plate.”

“I mean it.”

“Merlin is like the furniture, he’s always been around. Plus, who can I replace him with? A good magician is hard to come by.”

“Gandalf is supposed to be available at the right price.”

“I had a word with Gandalf, but he wanted to bring a load of hobbits with him as part of the deal... I hate hobbits.”

“Tell me about it. Fuckers are always dancing on tables for no good reason. Their legs are unnecessarily hairy too.”

“Anyway, what’s your beef with Merlin?”

I had a list longer than a fat man’s shopping receipt. “Apart from being a sexpest and an alcoholic, he’s useless. Plus, I’m certain he has something to do with why Guin is... upset”

“How so?”

“I don’t know exactly, but I‘ll get to bottom of it.”

“Poor pun that, Lance.”

I hung my head. “Sorry.”

“Even if I was to sack him, where would he go? He’d still be around, causing a nuisance. At least I have use of his powers while he is part of my court.”

“Powers... when was the last time he did something of note? Go on, tell me.”

“Last week, he turned water into wine.”

That was Merlin’s way of getting around opening hours at the bar. “Surprise surprise. I mean, when was the last time he manipulated the weather to gain an advantage on the battlefield?”

“Been a while... but yesterday he cast a gust of wind to catch a glance up a young girl’s skirt.”

“Seriously, Arthur. When was the last time Merlin served the good people of Cameltoe?”

“Actually Lance, we’re calling the city Camelot from now on. Rebranding for the new century.”

“Camelot..?” I shook my head in disbelief. “It will never catch on.’’

“That’s what I thought.”

“Let’s get back to my point about Merlin. I can’t remember the last time he did anything other than fuck you around.” Leaning forward until our noses touched, I eyeballed Arthur. “Do the decent thing and put him out of his misery.”

“Lance, please, he’s my friend.”

“If you don’t, I will.”

I walked away from Arthur, hoping that I had set the ball rolling.