It’s never one thing that seemingly sends you over the line; it’s far too easy to put the blame on your partner, no matter who he or she is. 

But if I was honest with myself, even a little, I knew it wasn’t her. Not really. It was too easy to just let things slide or to swallow my desire after a number of rejections. If I had been able to put my supposed needs or fetishes aside, I wouldn’t be here, in the office, on my knees.

And if I was honest with myself, I would have to admit that no one but me forced me to watch those videos. Or to visit those stores. Or to use that app when I was traveling for work.

And if I was honest with myself, I stopped looking at her a long time ago. I started looking at the men in the gym or in our client meetings. Most men, let’s be honest, are not worth a second glance, intellectually or physically. Once in awhile though…

If I am honest with myself, he could have been an ass about it. He could have used it against me or forced me. He did none of those things -- how much him being married also has to do with it, I don’t know.

If I am honest with myself, it was on that trip to the conference in Portland. I’d reactivated my profile, sans picture, before I left home. It never takes long. I learned a long time ago that my situation is not uncommon. Nor is it necessary that I be handsome -- I’m not.

When he suggested we get something to eat after the presentation, I thought it was nothing but two coworkers needing to blow off some steam. We’d shared similar meals before and I knew he and I thought similarly about work, even if I didn’t know much else about him. 

We sat down in a bistro a few blocks from the hotel. We ordered and he looked embarrassed, mortified. I was wondering what was on his mind. He pulled out his phone from the breast pocket of his jacket and unlocked it. He tapped on an app and then showed it to me. 

If I am being honest, I knew what he was going to show me. It was my profile, even without the picture. To his credit, he blushed a little. I looked at him and smiled as if to say, “yeah, what about it?” 

He took a deep breath; I told him he was being awfully dramatic about it and to say whatever he had to say. I tried to say it in a way that would reassure him, but at that point, I really had no idea which way he was going to go.

After a quick nod from him, he asked me if this was my first time on the app. I sighed and looked at him. I told him we both knew the answer to that question and that maybe we could skip the appetizers and move to the main course.

He took a few swallows of his wine, his wedding band on his left hand. I smiled. 

“Are you, you know........." he started.

I looked at him. 

“I’m not trying to make this more difficult for you,” I said to him. “Go ahead and ask.”

His body slumped. He took a long drink of his water and started to say something.

Then he stopped. This was a man I’d seen own a room full of strangers and here he was, tongue-tied, embarrassed, and almost shaking.

I gave a quick glance around and put my hand on his wrist. I smiled at him and nodded. Then I leaned close to him and whispered that we would table this discussion during dinner. Our food came and we ate, mostly in silence. I tried to engage him once or twice in work or other topics, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. I made the decision to skip dessert and took care of the check.

Before we got back to the hotel, I handed him my spare room card. His conflict was clear on his face, but I left it up to him.

Our rooms were on different floors, he got off the elevator first. I smiled at him, I hope kindly. I mouthed “I know,” at him as the doors closed.