Where the fuck do I begin? That's the question I asked myself trying to write a eulogy for my best friend. Jim and I had been inseparable since we were just four years old. How could I sum up a lifetime in just a few minutes? It didn't seem right. Hell, didn't seem right Jim was gone. Some random ass hat with a gun decided I could no longer have a best friend. The one person I cared about in the entire world was gone in the blink of an eye. I would never again see his twinkling, blue eyes as he smiled at some crazy thought I had just blurted out. I would never again see his slightly cocky grin when he won whatever game we happen to be playing. What was I supposed to say? "He was a good guy. Kind to others." Everyone knew that, already.

Jim had walked through life with a peaceful grace, spreading kindness everywhere he went. His long, dark brown hair made people think hippy. His normal attire of heavily worn jeans and rock band t-shirts made people think rocker. His muscular, six-foot frame seemed to make people feel a little uneasy. Yet, his calm peaceful demeanor and his soft, deep, compassionate voice put people at ease. He was an artist, a musician, a poet, and a dreamer. They already knew all of that though. What could I possibly say, that wasn't going to be the same as what everyone else said?

There wasn't much Jim hadn't been an open book about. Maybe I should tell them the reason we had shared a house for over twenty years. Maybe I should finally admit to the world, I was madly in love with Jim my entire life. No, I couldn't do that. That was about me, not him. A eulogy should be about the person that died, not his love-sick best friend that so desperately wanted to be more. Jim didn't see anyone like that, especially me.

I had been sitting at our kitchen table for hours looking at the blank notebook page. I felt utterly alone in the world, and I didn't know how to move forward. Jim was the one that always showed me the way, and now he was gone. I walked into his bedroom and looked around. Everything was still in place like he would be coming back at any moment. I almost smiled when I saw his coat laying there across the back of his desk chair. I've always loved that coat, and he always forgot it. I picked it up and hugged it. God, it even smelled like him. I sat on the foot of his bed as the tears started to fall. He was really gone. The realization hit me all at once. He was never coming home. A light crinkling sound came from Jim's coat as I buried my face in it. Curious, I looked in the inside pocket and found a piece of paper.

Hey Joe,
So I'm dead. Cool! Always wanted to try that. Dry the tears, man. Take a deep breath, and get yourself under control. In my closet, there is a small silver box. Take it to our campsite. I'm sure you will understand once you get there.
Love,
Jim

I laughed as the tears flowed. That's just like Jim. Set up something in case he died randomly, just to get me moving again. I slipped on his coat and went to his closet. It took a little bit to find the small silver box as it was hidden behind his comic book collection. Now that I found the box, I wondered what was inside. I tried to open it, and it was sealed. Should I follow Jim's message, or should I get the hammer? I've always followed Jim's lead in the past, and I wasn't about to stop now.

It took about an hour to pack the camping gear into Jim's truck. Not long after that, I was headed out of the city. The drive to the campsite was a long one. Two hours there, and then a three-mile hike in the woods. After setting up a tent, and getting a fire going I took off Jim's coat for the first time since putting it on in his room. That little piece of him I could bring with me. The sun set as I was looking at the small silver box. What in the world could he have planned? I tried to open it again, but with no success. I could almost hear Jim's voice say, "Ignore the box and soak in nature." I looked around to make sure I really was imagining it. I was. Of course, I was. I watched Jim get shot, and his lifeless body fall into the river. I watched as the cops and EMTs worked to pull him out of the water. Jim was gone.

I passed out next to the fire, laying on the ground using Jim's coat as a pillow. I didn't even get into the tent. I simply could not find the energy to move. Felt like I would never get up again. My eyes snapped open after what seemed like a long while after passing out. Jim was right there, brushing hair out of my face. Just like he never left.

"Jim?" I asked softly as I was freaking out.

A soft peaceful smile spread across his face as he said softly, "You made it."

I replied, "I'm dreaming right? This has to be a dream."

He said gently, "Not a dream. I'm not dead. I wanted you to know, but you're the only one that can."

I reached out and touched his chest. He felt real, and I said, "No, this has to be a dream or something."

He brushed the back of his fingers down my cheek as he looked me in the eyes. He asked, "Does this feel like a dream?"

I whispered back, "Yes."

His smile grew as he leaned forward and gave me a soft peck on the lips.

When he pulled back, I said, "The real you would never kiss me."

He shrugged, "What's the point of dying if I can't do what I want?"

I was still staring at him as he lay there in front of me looking into my eyes.

He asked, "What's it going to take to convince you I'm really here?"

Replying flatly I said, "Someone, besides me, seeing you."

He gave me a grin and leaned in slowly. Kissing me gently on the lips. When he pulled back he said, "This may very well be our last night together. How do you want to spend it? Doubting I'm here, or just accepting that I am."

I hugged him wrapping my arms around his neck. Felt like Jim. Smelled like Jim. The wishful part of my mind wanted it to be Jim. I knew it couldn't be real. This had to be a dream. Jim would never have kissed me, especially on the lips. He'd never kissed anyone on the lips. He didn't have those kinds of attractions to people. That was the best, and the most annoying part about him.

Jim said in my ear, "I love you. Sorry I waited until now to tell you."

I said, "This has to be a dream. You would never..."

He kissed my neck, and I lost all train of thought.

When he bit my shoulder lightly, I squeezed him. Fuck it, even if it's a dream, it's the best fucking dream ever. I kissed his neck in return, and I didn't stop kissing him. I made my way to his lips and was engulfed by his warm embrace. He took my hand and sat me up as he sat up himself. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it upwards. Raising it over my head, I let him take it off and noticed it was a tad chilly without it. He kissed down my chest and pushed me back down as he kissed my stomach. I tangled my fingers into his hair as he used his teeth to unbutton my jeans. He slipped his fingertips into the waistband and pulled smoothly. I raised my ass off the ground. He pulled my jeans and boxers off in one pull. When he kissed my stomach again, I pulled him back up to kiss him passionately.

He kissed back down my chest and stomach inching his way closer to my dick. He laughed softly when it poked him in the bottom of his chin. I've always loved his laugh. He kissed the head of my dick, and I thought I might blow right then. Almost forty years I've waited for this moment, it wasn't going to take much. He opened his mouth and slid it over me. I could feel his tongue move over my head. He started to move slowly up and down my shaft wrapping his hand around the base of my dick, picking up the pace, and stroking me as he sucked me. I couldn't give him a warning; it happened too suddenly. I exploded into his mouth, and, a few moments later, he looked up at me, wiping his chin with a smile.

He leaned forward and kissed me softly. Giving me a taste of myself from his lips. He laid down next to me, wrapped his arm around me, and said, "Better than I imagined."

He traced his hand down my chest, and stomach, and came to rest on my limp dick. He played with it as he kissed me again. He said softly into my ear, "Open the box."

Somehow, I just knew it would open this time. When I opened the small silver box, I cracked up laughing. A bottle of lube was the only thing in it. I asked, "For you or me?"

He gave me a look that implied I had to be joking.

I handed him the bottle and said, "Use more than you think you need."

He gave me his slightly cocky smile that I adored. I kissed him again, but he pulled away. He shoved down his pants and squirted lube on himself. I took the opportunity to rub it in a little. He rolled me over onto my stomach and kissed the back of my neck. Making his way down to my ass. I moaned loudly as he bit into my cheek.

When he pulled my hips up into the air, I was feeling rather exposed with a cool breeze on all my bits. It felt kind of good, really. Jim slid his dick up and down my crack for a moment, squirted some lube on my hole, and pushed in slowly. I had never felt anything like it, and I was not prepared for all the emotions that came with it. I wanted this to really be Jim. I've always wanted him like this. Letting him have his way with me like I was some rag doll made to do his bidding. He started to pick up the pace grunting every time he pushed in. I shoved my face into his coat as he slammed into me hard and fast. I was loving every moment of it. The feel of his hands on my hips, pulling me onto him as he shoved forward. Feeling his balls smack mine as he fucked me. I was about to blow again, but he was closer than I was. He exploded into my ass and I whimpered. He smacked my cheeks onto his hips while digging his fingertips into my skin.

A moment later Jim lay down next to me catching his breath. He said, "I've wanted to do that for so long..."

I didn't give him time to finish; I didn't want the dream's lies. I smashed my lips onto his, and he wrapped his arms around me. I snuggled into him, and never felt so safe in my life. The warm comfort of his presence lulled me into pleasant dreams.

I woke up in the morning feeling sore in my shoulders and back. The sun was up by a couple of hours, the fire was out, the silver box was closed, and Jim was nowhere to be found. I felt the loss of him all over again, and I was overcome with emptiness. Just a blank nothing where my emotions should be. The long trip home did nothing to fill the hole inside my heart and mind. The notebook, still sitting on the table when I returned, was taunting me with the task to finish writing as the funeral was in a few hours.

I stepped up to the podium unfolding a sheet of paper, though I already knew what I was going to say. Jim's family was sitting in a row in front of me. I cleared my throat, and spoke in a raised voice, "Today, we say goodbye to someone we all love. His absence will be felt, and l miss him already. I'm sure you do as well. We all know he was a kind soul and was taken from us too soon. This shouldn't be a sad day, though. Jim lived his life exactly as he wanted, and we should celebrate that accomplishment. Thank you all for coming. Now, let's all get plastered, crank up the music, and toss some paint around. It's the goodbye he would have wanted."