Breathing heavily, Erik stood holding his sides and gazing up into the night sky, the town below so hushed and still that his quickened heartbeat seemed to boom in his ears. The clouds dispersed to allow glimpses of starlight, the gibbous moon shining through their thinning veil. The breeze felt cool and refreshing against his moist brow and he closed his eyes momentarily, filled with the freshness of the air and the distance.

Laying his jacket down on the damp grass, Erik sat on the hillside plateau, taking in the sight that always seemed to comfort him. In the wee hours of the night, only street lamps illuminated the roads and buildings that, while so familiar, always appeared so foreign from this elevated viewpoint. It was perhaps the stillness that made it so strange. Especially at night, with the chimney tops stretching into the distance mere silhouettes, the calm scene might have been a photograph of the cherished way we sometimes wish to remember a place.

There on the hillside, chilled by the night and wrapped in its silence, Erik felt safe to relax his mind and to organise the many thoughts that strained to be heard. Although it had been several years since his last visit, this place was where he had often come at turning points in his life. It was a place that filled him with a sense of clarity at times when his situation offered none.

He had first found himself gazing out across these same rooftops through teary, adolescent eyes, driven there by the hurtful words of his father. With the grass between his fingers, his sobs had subsided and his fury turned to compassion. Since that evening, no other place had offered Erik such fresh perspective, and it had been a wellspring of comfort through pivotal moments. In every weather and at any time of day, this little place on the edge of his town had become Erik’s eternal solace.

Now, again, when his his world had become, in an instant, altogether too confusing, he had retreated here. In his heart he felt fear, but not like fear he had yet experienced. It was a fear that part of him yearned to embrace, that seemed to promise exhilaration were it to be conquered. Yet it was more terrifying still in its suddenness, and the tempest of emotion that accompanied it, brought about by an unexpected kiss.

Robert had been Erik’s best friend since they were a pair of scruffy six-year-olds, forever adventuring together in the expansive garden of their tenement block, aided only by their imagination. They loved to escape to the fantasy worlds they created together, often a welcome departure from their realities. Erik only had happy memories of their childhood friendship, though he sometimes pondered whether he had unwittingly idealised that time in his life.

As they grew, they navigated the complications of their teen years together. Through growth spurts, cracking voices and peer-group dramas, their bond never weakened, and neither ever failed, even at some of their lowest points, to make the other laugh. Erik never much relished time in his dysfunctional family home and had spent most weekends at Robert’s flat, where he had been treated like a second son by Robert’s adoring mother.

Sitting at either end of Robert’s single bed, they had continued to create magical and fantastical alternatives to their mundane lives. While Erik acted as a bottomless pit of ridiculous and fanciful ideas, Robert always had much more flair in his ability to bring their musings to life through his words. Many times Erik was awestruck as he read Robert’s beautiful prose, stunned by how he had eloquently reproduced their half-cocked ramblings.

The two shared everything with each other. Nothing was off limits when it was just the two of them, and so they knew each other just as well as they knew themselves, sometimes better. There was comfort in having someone with whom you could always be honest, and it was only as an adult that Erik realised what a special thing that was. Likewise, it was only with hindsight that he knew what a privilege that it was him to whom Robert had first come out as gay.

When Robert had made the revelation, on a night not dissimilar to the one Erik now breathed in, it was more unexpected than perhaps it should have been. As they staggered home from a party, a cocktail of vodka and cheap cider swirled in their stomachs. The briskness of the autumn night had sobered them somewhat and their merry nonsense had turned somewhat philosophical in nature.

When they had arrived at the door to their block, Robert had looked at him with a serious expression and, the more Erik thought about it, a hint of pain and sadness in his dark brown eyes. “I need to tell you something,” he had said, “But not here.”

They both looked up at the tall, worn building where they had grown from children to young men, filled with memories of joy and laughter, but also with anguish. No, this wasn’t the place for such a conversation, but Erik knew precisely where to go.

“Wow,” was all Robert had said that first time he had looked out across the chimney tops, and they sat together, shoulders touching, at home in each other’s silence. Their breath, visible in the cold, mingled in front of them. An unsuccessfully stifled yawn escaped Erik’s mouth, and he recalled seeing Robert out of the corner of his eye, smirking pleasantly at him. That was when he told him.

Erik was silent, gazing thoughtfully into the darkness, and he felt Robert tense at his side, apparently apprehensive about what his confidante’s reaction might be. In truth, it was of little consequence to him or their friendship; it didn’t change a thing. He threw his arm around his oldest friend, hugging him tight to his side. There was nothing purposeful to be said, as long as they each knew they had not lost one another.

Robert broke the embrace a few minutes later and turned to face him. Dried tracks of tears were evident on his cheeks, and though he smiled, his eyes still held something of the pain Erik had unknowingly discerned.

“Erik,” he started as he searched for something hidden beneath his friend’s drowsy eyes. After a long pause, he wrapped his arms around his neck and quietly murmured, “Thank you,” into his ear.

Many years had passed since then, and the whole encounter was now tinged with a fresh perspective. As Erik wondered if there had been something else Robert had yearned to tell him then, a lonely teardrop made its way slowly down his face, falling to the grass below. Perhaps this was, in fact, the place where it had begun, whatever “it” was.

The evening had passed like countless others, the same routine every time Erik came back into town. Dinner at their favourite restaurant, the one in the “nice” part of town, at their favourite table with a bottle of their favourite wine. The hours passed like minutes. Even on returning to Robert’s pokey little one-bedroom flat, time always seemed to run away from them as the nostalgic sounds of early-2000s indie rock washed over them.

Midnight had come and gone when the discussion turned to the mutual haplessness of their love lives. They managed to fill every gap between their reunions, no matter how short, with some manner of dating disaster. Robert had been seeing someone for a few months, and Erik was actually supposed to be meeting him for the first time on this particular visit, but it had recently and suddenly ended, and Robert had been rather reticent about the situation.

“So what exactly happened with you and that guy?” The question made Robert look down at the dregs in his glass, and Erik placed a comforting hand on his friend’s arm. “You seemed really into him, and you never said much about why you broke up.”

He heaved a sigh and turned to give Erik a sad smile. “Nothing really happened. It just… didn’t feel right. I couldn’t see—“

He stopped short and stared into Erik’s eyes for a second, expressing something he couldn’t quite bring himself to say, and that Erik was still too oblivious to interpret. “I couldn’t see our future together,” he continued at length. Erik now slowly withdrew his hand and Robert’s gaze lingered on the spot where it had been.

No response came, but their eyes met again in a moment of inexplicable intensity, as though more than twenty years’ worth of so much unsaid passed between them in an instant. Erik saw Robert’s face come towards him, and that was when the fear first rose up within him, but he did not flinch as their lips met, and he did not resist as they melted into the sublimity of their kiss.

A long silence followed. Erik stared into space, unable to formulate a single clear thought, his mouth still open from the kiss as though he might say something, but there was only silence. Robert’s hand trembled as he placed it on Erik’s thigh in an attempt to stir him, to provoke some kind of reaction, despite feeling terrified at what that reaction might be, and what it might mean for them.

Erik looked down at the hand in his lap and instinctively placed his own atop it, an act that lightened his heart but did nothing to untangle the mess of his mind. The conflict in him burned to the point of intolerability and he stood abruptly, followed by Robert, worry emblazoned across his face. “Erik, I—“

“I need to get some air.” He didn’t look at him as he cut him off, and Robert didn’t protest. He grabbed his coat and left, his feet carrying him to the edge of town and to the foot of the nameless hill that overlooked it. On feeling the paved ground beneath turn to earth, he stopped with a start and looked behind him. Perhaps he expected, or even hoped, to see Robert there. Only the quiet of the night had followed him though, and so he started the easy climb to his place of contemplation, the dark scarcely a hindrance on a path he knew so well.

Forty-five minutes had passed since Robert had kissed him, and Erik ran an absent finger over his lips, remembering how it had felt. He remembered not resisting, not pulling away. He remembered kissing back, and the rush of excitement. He remembered it feeling right. Yet he had left, because of the fear and the panic that cause the maelstrom in his mind. As serenity returned, he wished that he had stayed, that he had known what he wanted to say or do. He wished he had known that his fear wasn’t really fear at all.

So lost in these thoughts and regrets was he, that Erik did not see or hear Robert approach until he was at his side, eyes puffy and hands still trembling.

“You found me,” Erik stated calmly, looking straight ahead as Robert sat down a few feet away.

“I knew you’d come here.” His voice was quiet and hesitant. “You always come here.”

They were silent for a minute, maybe more, and Erik could hear the boom of his heartbeat in his ears again. A cloud shifted, and the moon shone brightly over the town, and on the two friends shivering on the hillside.

“I’m sorry I left.” Erik turned to face him now, meeting his soft eyes, the “fear” bubbling inside him.

“I’m sorry I—“

“Don’t be!” Erik edged toward him, a lump swelling in his throat as tears filled his eyes. “I’m not.”

He pulled him into a tight embrace and they clung to each other, hearts pounding like caged animals in their chests. Erik was sure then, more than he had ever been, and he knew Robert was, too. Placing his hands on his shoulders, he pulled back and expressed his surety with a look, eradicating the pain and uncertainty from Robert’s eyes. As he lovingly pushed a hand through Erik’s hair, they each smiled, radiating their affection.

Their faces drew close once more, and nothing felt more right to Erik, now his “fear” had been unmasked, than the feel of Robert’s lips against his, and the warmth of his body in his arms. The tender kiss only grew in intensity, the two men relenting to the cumulative ferocity of their emotions over years and years. As Robert’s hand pushed under Erik’s shirt, grasping at his bare flesh, Erik fell back onto his jacket, pulling him down on top of him, never breaking their fervent kiss. With the weight of Robert atop him and their hands roaming over each other, he had never wanted another person more.

In a brief pause, while their chests heaved with impatient breath, Robert held himself up and beamed down at him with adoration. “This is all I’ve ever wanted,” he said, leaning down to gently peck his lips.

Erik savoured the words, rethinking an entire lifetime in a few seconds. “Me, too,” he replied, “But I didn’t know it until tonight.” They kissed again, as natural as breathing to them both now.

Robert rolled over and lifted himself up, taking Erik’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “Come on, let’s go home.” They gazed out across the chimney tops once more before making their way down the hill and through the sleeping streets, their desire and urgency growing as they approached the flat.

As soon as the door closed behind them, it erupted like a firework, and they consumed each other. Savage hands pulled at their clothes, wantonly removing and discarding them, and clutched at their bodies, nails raking over their skin. They blindly stumbled to the bedroom, Erik guiding them as Robert hungered at his neck and jaw, until they crashed down onto the bed, their ravenous mouths meeting in a fevered kiss.

Erik ran his fingers down the lithe, naked torso beneath him, feeling the strain in his own jeans as he reached the waistline of Robert’s. He looked up at him with fire in his eyes and one last questioning look: Are you sure this is what you want?

“I’m sure,” he answered aloud to the unspoken question. Robert pushed himself up and forward, catching Erik’s mouth even as the words left it and, simultaneously, gripping his visibly hard length, making Erik gasp into their impassioned kiss. Eagerly he massaged the protuberant bulge as Erik fumbled at his belt and buttons in his need to release the pressure.

The buckle came undone and Robert took control now, his strong hands grabbing Erik’s hips and pulling him to the bed. Hooking his fingers into the elastic of his underwear, he yanked down the jeans and boxers to Erik’s knees, letting free his pulsing erection. Without a second of hesitation, Robert’s mouth engulfed it and Erik let out a low groan of ecstasy.

With hands in his hair, Robert expertly sucked and licked along the length of his cock, urged on by Erik’s incoherent murmurs and restless contortions. Each time their eyes met, the flame burned hotter, and the steamy scent of sweat and sex filled the room. The wooden bed frame creaked beneath them as their passion overtook them.

Mere seconds from the edge of bliss, Erik pulled Robert up to him, their hot bodies pressed together, and let their tongues entwine in a chaotic, lust-filled dance. He pushed his hand between them, diving into Robert’s trousers to wrap his fingers tightly around his steely member. With each slow stroke, he elicited a breathy moan of pleasure. He could feel the evidence of his arousal, and he coated his cock with the slick liquid that oozed freely from its tip.

Robert stopped the quickening strokes with his own hand and pressed his sweat-glazed forehead against Erik’s, feeling his hot breath on his face.

“Erik…” He almost didn’t continue, until he saw the warmth in his smile and the encouragement in his eyes. “Will you make love to me?”

The words sent a pleasant tingle through Erik. That was exactly what he wanted to do, to finally physically connect with the man he had always loved, though he might only be realising it now. He gently caressed Robert’s face, then pulled his lips to his own by way of response.

They stood and removed what remained of their clothes, then wrapped their arms around each other’s naked bodies, their hard lengths pressing together, dripping with anticipation. Erik grasped Robert’s firm, smooth ass in his hand as they kissed, and they grinned against each other as their need again grew to the edge of boiling point.

Robert lay down on his back, and Erik knelt between his legs, slowly stroking his throbbing cock, readying himself for this unforgettable moment. He had never had sex with a man before, but as he looked down at his beautiful Robert, not a glimmer of doubt remained in his mind—this was the person he wanted to be with, forever.

Sliding a pillow beneath his hips, Robert exposed himself completely to Erik, who gathered some of the viscous liquid from the tip of his cock onto his fingers and massaged it gently into his entrance. He slid a finger fully inside, feeling the tightness around him and relishing the groans of pleasure he elicited from his lover. His cock gave an involuntary twitch of impatience as he eased in and out of Robert and he longed to be inside him.

Gripping the backs of his thighs, be bore down on Robert, his hardness pressing eagerly at its imminent point of ingress as he placed a kiss on his lips, a moment of tenderness amidst the heat. Both their eyes widened as Erik steadily pushed into him. The sensation was new and beautiful, and the overwhelming emotion of their physical union brought joyful tears to their eyes. It felt as though their bodies were made for each other.

Before long, Erik’s initially timid movements became impassioned thrusts of his hips, and he dug his nails into Robert’s flesh as he pushed them both closer and closer to a euphoric climax. They were a cacophony in that small bedroom, from the grunts and moans and whispered names, to squeaks and creaks of the bed and the forceful impact of sweat-soaked skin on skin. Sporadic and intense kisses interspersed their erratic, ragged breathing, but never interrupted the rhythmic collision of their bodies.

Erik raised himself to a vertical position, lifting Robert’s legs to rest on his shoulders and wrapping his arms around them as he drove into him with ever greater velocity. Robert began to stroke himself furiously, throwing his head back and his hips up to force Erik deeper into him. With an almighty shudder and a wail of delight, thick jets erupted from his cock onto his chest and abdomen.

The tensing of Robert’s body as he was buried deep inside him, and seeing his love for the first time in the throes of his orgasm, sent shockwaves of pleasure coursing through Erik and drew his own inevitable release yet nearer. He moved his hands down to his hips and loudly uttered, “Oh, Robert!” as he pulled their bodies together and, with a convulsive tremor, succumbed to his own moment of ecstasy. He closed his eyes tight and let his jaw hang loose as he unleashed spurt after spurt into Robert who contracted around him.

They held their positions, grinning at each other like foolish teenagers, letting the moment gradually subside. After a few seconds, Erik lay down beside Robert and pushed his arm around him, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. They heard once more the booming of their hearts as the silence of the night returned to the room. Erik reached across to prod at a white glob that that pooled beneath Robert’s right nipple, and his body shook with a silent laugh as he toyed with it.

“I should get cleaned up,” Robert said, shifting his position slightly.

“No, don’t,” Erik said quickly, tightening his grip on him, “Not yet. Be here, with me.”

Robert consented with a gentle kiss before nestling into the crook of his arm, lacing their fingers together once more. “I love you, Erik,” he said, closing his tired eyes.

“I love you, too, Robert,” he replied, the very words bringing a smile to his face. “I think I always have.”

“Me, too.”

Erik thought of the hillside, and its perfect view across the town. It would forever be a special place to him, but he knew it would never again be his source of calm and clarity. The man lying in his arms, his soulmate, whose hand he held in his—this was his serenity.