"What's your ZTF time?" Archana asked me. "Your personal best, I mean?"
It was one of those late-night conversations when two old friends get together, and way too much wine has been drunk.
The guys had been out playing golf, so Archana and I made an executive decision that she and Gary would stay the night and cracked open a bottle of Prosecco. That was at five o'clock, but one bottle had led to another, and now it was past twelve. With our husbands having long since retired to bed and four empty wine bottles in the recycling, the conversation had inevitably turned to sex.
"My ZTF time?" I asked.
"Yes, your 'Zero to Fuck' time. The time it takes from no shag being on the cards whatsoever to finding yourself on your back with his balls slapping your taint. What's your best time, Nisha?"
I laughed; it was such a typical Archana question. "I don't know; I'll have to think about it. Chris often comes in from work, and we have a quickie, but that's usually after several saucy texts, so I kind of expect it."
"No, that doesn't count," Archana slurred sternly. "It has to be a total surprise. One minute, you're innocently going about your business, and the next, he's balls-deep inside you and you're wondering how the fuck it happened."
"Okay, let me think about it while you tell me yours."
Archana grinned, sipped her Prosecco, and put down her glass. I could tell she was keen to share.
"Well, as you know, Gary has always been one for spontaneous sex, but the record was around five seconds, give or take," she said proudly.
"Five seconds!? What, from the moment you saw the glint in his eye to John Thomas banging at the door?"
"Yup. Five seconds," Archana slurred.
"God, I'm impressed," I replied. "What came over him, apart from you, I mean?"
Archana laughed. "I don't know. I guess he just couldn't stop himself, dirty git."
"Let me guess; it was one of those early morning fucks, where you wake up with his cock poking your arse, and you figure it's easier just to guide it into the right hole and get it over with?" I posited.
Archana looked insulted. "No, these don't count either. Everyone has had those. No, this was much naughtier."
I realised I would have to reconsider my answer. "So, go on then. What happened?"
"Well, I was tidying the kitchen cupboards above the worktop, and the next thing I knew, Gary was pulling up my dress. When I turned around, his trousers were around his ankles, and his custard slinger was at full salute. I was about to tell him to pack it in, but then I thought, 'Why not?' So I pulled my panties down, yanked up my dress, bent over the worktop, and in it went."
"And all that happened in five seconds?" I asked incredulously.
"Okay, maybe seven or eight," Archana conceded, "Ten seconds max."