Damnit, mom! I can see your nipples and bush showing from twenty yards away. There’s no way you’re not aware of that! Those were my thoughts as I climbed out of my lover’s SUV and saw her running up to greet us. Her C-cup breasts bounced up and down with her steps. Even if her hard nipples couldn't be plainly seen from that distance, their free movement would have made it known.

She was barefoot, as always, and wearing her favorite tie-dyed maxi dress. It was made from t-shirt cotton, faded, and distressed from age and wear to the point of being nearly translucent. In fact, it was translucent in places. The top strap had loosened along with the seams over the years, which revealed a massive amount of side-boob. The material had been worn so thin that her strip of pubic hair could be clearly seen. The fading sun illuminated her from behind, revealing the shape of her body in shadow, leaving almost nothing to the imagination. The threadbare hippie dress drew attention to her body rather than hiding it.

I never minded the way she dresses until that moment. I was pondering suicide because she was meeting my lover for the first time, ever. I think a part of me died when I saw her.

“Oh Kryssi, Kryssi, Kryssi, I missed you so much.” She hugged me and I tentatively hugged her back. Make no mistake. I love my mother dearly and she is also my main life-advisor, a friend, and an inspiration.

“And you just have to be Glade!” her tone was one of delight. “Ooh, you’re right, Kryssi, he does have a body just like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. And those eyes! Honey, I thought you were lying when you said his eyes make you wet instantly! I’m gushing right now. I might even have to dig out some panties for a change.”

“Mom!” I begged in exasperation. “Stop! You’re embarrassing me.”

“Oh Kryssi!” she scolded. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We are all primal animals, as well as divine spirits. Besides, he’s a grown man. A fine, fine man.” She hungrily eyed him up and down.

I was impressed with my lover, though. Glade just smiled at her as if she had complimented his shoes, or moccasins in this case.

“Mom! Stop hitting on my boyfriend.” It was bad enough that she ignored my trepidation to let him meet her, but did she really need to be herself around him?

“Boyfriend is it?” She shot me an accusatory glance and a raised eyebrow.

She turned to Glade. He had that same look as when I first met him and was hurling insults at him. “So, ‘boyfriend’, how long have you two been together?” she then threw her arms around his neck and pulled him closely against her.

My lover pantomimed looking at an imaginary watch. “As of now, six days, twenty hours, and seventeen minutes, Mrs. Greene.”

She released him from her death-hug. “I told you last night on the phone. Call me Samantha. Well, you can call me anything you like!”

“MOM!”

She hand-waved at me dismissively.

Luckily, my lover interjected before I had a chance to warn my mother off of him. “Krystal told me so much about you and Mr. Greene. She mentioned that you are her role model for so many things. She never once mentioned that you are her equal in beauty and poise and that you have that same fire in your eyes.”

He held her hand up to his mouth and delicately kissed the back of her hand. My mother cooed and shimmied her body flirtatiously. I pondered suicide once more.

“Kryssi,” my mother said to me. “If you two don’t work out, I’m leaving your father!”

“God damnit, mom!”

“Young lady,” she said to me although I’m almost forty. “What did I tell you about such language?”

“Sorry, mom.”

“Say it properly.”

“Goddess damnit, mom.”

“Better.” She wrapped an arm around the both of us and led us towards my childhood home.

“Pooh-Bear,” she sang out. “Kryssi and Glade are here. Stop fucking around with your pot and come meet him!”

“Your muscles are so hard,” she said to Glade. “A hard man is good to find.”

“MOM!”

My father emerged shirtless from one of the outbuildings wearing cowboy boots and ratty jeans. He had a joint in his mouth so big that Bob Marley, himself, would have been envious.

When he saw us, he smiled proudly to me and then looked my lover over with a stern and critical eye. He walked up to us slowly, appraising him as one would evaluate how they’re going to attack. Dad nodded to me and then walked up to Glade.”

“So you’re the big-shot champion knight? I thought you’d be bigger.”

My lover chuckled and shot out his right hand to shake my father’s hand. “The name’s Dalton,” he said with a broad smile.

“Rip your throat right out,” my dad said to him.

“I fucked guys like you in prison!” my lover shot back.

My dad ignored his hand and then reached out and hugged him, patting him on the back. I was stunned and confused.

“Any fan of Roadhouse is OK with me, Kryssi,” he said to me. “Welcome to our home, Glade is it? Isn’t that an air freshener?”

Glade chuckled. “I never heard that before.”

“More Roadhouse quotes,” my mother whispered to me. “Your dad loves that movie. Does he always know exactly what to say and what to do?”

“Yes,” I whispered back. “It’s scary, like he can read minds or something.”

“I’ll check his aura later and lay hands on him.”

“Mom, stop. You’re embarrassing me.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Glade said, turning to me. There was no way he could have heard me!

He went on. “If I were in your parents’ shoes,” he stopped and gestured at my mother’s bare feet. “Or lack thereof, not that such beautifully manicured, perfect toes should ever be covered, I would put any potential suitor through the wringer.”

He winked at me.

“Ooh, Kryssi, I think this one’s a keeper,” my mother said.

“How the fuck did you hear me?” I shot to Glade.

“I didn’t,” he said. “I could tell from your body language. I always have an eye on your body.”

He then looked to my father. They stared at each other for a few seconds. No words were spoken.

“What do you do for a living?” Dad asked him.

“I’m a landscaper of sorts,” he said to him. “I also do some interior work.”

“You mow lawns? Like high school boys do?”

I saw what was going on and had to put a stop to it. “No, dad. He makes exterior rock art in stone and concrete. You know those big houses that look like castles and those cave-like wine cellars? He carves those by hand.”

My lover shrugged.

“You got any pictures?” my father asked him.

My lover produced his phone and they sat down together and started going through them. Then my mother pulled me aside.

“He’s like a romance-novel hero. His aura only shows sincerity and this huge glow. I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s brilliant and violet with orange, yellow, pink, and green with blue and purple outlines. It looks like the sex gods gave and just kept on giving!”

“Mom!”

“No Kryssi, I think he’s the real deal. He’s also very much in love with you.”

“Right, mom, like you can see that from reading his aura.”

“Don’t need to see auras to know that, dear.” She said to me. “Do you know why I act like this around your guys?”

“Yes, mom, because you’re a big slut.”

She laughed at that. “True, but that’s not why I do it. Anyone that gives in to my seductive powers over you isn’t right for you. He’s so witty and charming and he either doesn’t realize that I’m flirting with him or it doesn’t faze him. “

“No, mom, he’s used to it. Women throw themselves at him, just like you’re doing. It pisses me off.”

“You know about hydroponics!” My elated father erupted. “The pump for my Purple Haze isn’t working right. Come with me.”

“I’m more of a Jack Herer fan, myself,” Glade said to him as they got up.

My dad addressed me. “He’s OK. Much better than Dave or that other asshole! You have my blessing.”

“I don’t need your blessing, dad. I’m a grown woman, not a child.”

“Untrue,” Glade interjected softly. “You are a full-grown, full-blooded, hot woman, not a child; but you are still their child.”

He then got down on one knee, right there on the ground and knelt in front of my father. “Mr. Greene,” he began. “I am not worthy of your hospitality nor of your daughter but may I have your permission to share time with your daughter. I promise to live up to the high standards you’ve set with the way you treat your beautiful wife.”

My father pulled him up and hugged him. He then led my lover away towards my dad’s grow-shed.

I watched them go, extremely happy that my father didn’t give him his “if you hurt her, I’ll kill you” speech.

“Your father has never taken a shine to anyone like that before,” my mother told me. ”Don’t be your usual stupid-bitch self and fuck this one up.”

My mother hugged me to her and she was crying. “I’m so happy for you. Can I fuck him?”

“Mom!”

My mother and I talked, mostly about him, for the next half hour until they came out of the shed. My father announced that it was all fixed and something simple that he hadn’t thought of.

We sat by the fire pit and Glade complimented my parents on the nature-vibe of our home. My father went into his tale of how it used to be a campground and that he had purchased it in the hopes of making a commune of sorts and that it never came to fruition. My mother lounged around and missed no opportunity to flash my boyfriend. Glade treated it exactly like he did when I first did it. He would acknowledge it, showing delight and appreciation, but as if it was no big deal.

“Gifts,” Glade said, breaking the cadence of the conversation. “I’m so sorry. You are both so interesting and amazing I totally forgot that I brought you gifts.”

“No need to bribe your way into affections,” my dad said to him.

“Not bribes,” my lover said smiling that crooked smile of his. “I am your guest here. A respectful guest always brings a token of appreciation for his friends’ hospitality.” He excused himself and jogged to his car.

“Krystal,” my father said to me sternly. “If you fuck this one up, I’ll never forgive you. Did you know he has a Master’s Degree and money?”

“Dad! Stop! I don’t care about his money. I care about…”

“That magic cock of his!” my mother interrupted.

“Mom!” I pled. “Dad, can you rein your wife in, please. She’s slutting all over a guy I’m trying to impress!”

“I would never tame her!” my dad said. He then got up and embraced her and they kissed passionately, quickly moving on to foreplay.

“Gross!”

Glade walked up carrying a medium size box. He saw my parents going at it and watched appreciatively. My mother saw him and broke off their mutual pawing, putting her exposed breast back into her far-too-revealing dress.

“Such a delight to see people so much in love and so into each other,” my lover said to them. “I have gifts for each of you. I made them myself.”

He produced a wrapped package from the box and handed it to my father. Dad opened it and looked at it with delight.

“Krystal told me that you play guitar. I made that guitar strap myself. The leather comes from a friend’s cow, named Matilda. She had a wonderful life. It has pockets sewn here,” he showed my father. “To hold picks so you don’t have to go looking for them before you play.”

He handed a small box tied shut with still-green vines to my mother. She opened up and oohed and aahed. “Had I known that you were such a statuesque and ageless beauty I would have sprung for platinum or gold.”

She held it up. It was a bracelet made of hammered silver with the Wiccan triple-moon goddess symbol on it.

“I made that out under the open night under the moon after you invited me over. It’s only silver and doesn’t do your beauty justice, but it comes from the heart.”

“I love it!” she exclaimed as she put it on and showed it off.

Then he pulled a black-painted bottle from the box. “I didn’t know if you two drink, but this is honey walnut mead I made myself. The honey comes from bees next to a field of wild flowers so you can taste the floral notes. It is quite good, actually.”

My mother sprung up and grabbed his hand. “Take me to the kitchen so we can open it.”

“I would love to take you,” Glade said to my mother with a glint in his eye. He then stood and gestured towards the house with flair. “I would say ‘age before beauty’ but you are a timeless beauty so neither applies. Please lead, nonetheless.”

My mother stood. “You go first so I can look at your sexy little tushie.”

He laughed a roguish laugh at her comment. “That’s exactly why I wanted to see you go first. Great minds think alike!” He hooked his arm in hers. “Let’s go together. I love your dress and it fits you perfectly. Did you make it or is it store-bought.”

He led her off and I began to fume at the brazen slut that is my mother.

“Dad, please make her stop. If she keeps acting like, well, like herself she’s going to scare him off!”

“Krys, you know your mother and I have a totally open relationship and always have. I adore your mother for who she is and we’ve never hidden anything from you.”

“Motherfucker!” I exclaimed.

“Not yet,” dad laughed out. “They haven’t been in there long enough yet.”

“Dad!” I let out a long litany of curses to appease the gods of profanity. “I just fucking figured it out! Glade has your same ‘live and let live’ attitude. You two are exactly alike! And mom is just like my friend Kiera, a big fucking slut!”

“I’m not like him at all. I could be with lots of work, though. And I’d need to work out constantly to get that hard body of his.”

“Dad! Stop!”

I heard my mother laughing from inside.

“Who’s the bigger slut, your mother or Kiera?” dad asked me.

“At this point, it’s a fucking draw!”

Glade came out smiling and bearing two cups. “Your mother wants you,” he said to me as he handed me a cup. He offered the other one to my father.

I stomped inside to see my mother watching them from the window. She was crying again. “What’s wrong, mom?” I instinctively hugged her. Like I mentioned, I do love my mother unconditionally; she just has a habit of throwing her pussy at everyone, especially anyone I’m interested in.

“He’s just so perfect. I don’t care what it takes, but you need to marry this man.”

“Mom!” I cried out. “You’ve known him for what, like an hour? I won’t marry again, and you know it.”

She embraced me. “He’s Zeus, Thor, and Dionysus made flesh. I’d cast a binding on you two but I don’t think it would work on him; I don’t think anything works on him.”

“Mom, keep your witchy shit out this, please. I already broke it off with him once to save him from myself; my friends pushed me back to him.”

My mother sighed. “You may have gotten my looks, Kryssi, but that stupid bitch part comes from your father’s side of the family. Your friends saw it plain as the moon, just as I do. Now go and be with your man; oh what a man he is! I’ll be along shortly.”

I hugged her and went outside to see my father and Glade sword fighting with branches like children. Glade had removed his shirt and they were laughing with each other while they played.

“No, call me Kris, with a ‘K’. Mr. Greene is my father.” Dad swung wildly and missed.

“Kris?” glade mused. “A pagan named after Jesus! Irony noted. En garde!”

I watched them for a few minutes and then shrugged and headed back inside. They were laughing and having a blast. When I got inside, though, my jaw dropped open.

My mother was still gazing out of the window. However she had her legs spread apart and her breasts were pulled over the top of her dress. She had one hand under her dress, in between her legs, and was obviously pleasuring herself. She was breathing heavily.

“MOM!” I said with indignation. “Please tell me you’re not finger-fucking yourself over my boyfriend!”

She stopped and looked at me as if there was nothing at all wrong with it. “Just look at them, will you?”

She pulled me near the window so I could see. “They’re so primal, so lost in joy. And those bodies! How can you not see that and need an orgasm?”

“Mom!”

“Sweetie, I’m serious here. There’s something about him that just makes me need sex. It’s a kind of magick, I’m sure of it.”

I watched them, my father and my lover acting like little boys. Seeing Glade move like that, the way his muscles rippled, and the look of passionate joy on his face was, I’ll admit, quite alluring. I felt myself growing hot and wet as well.

“Just because you’re right doesn’t make it less gross, or you any less of a nasty slut, mom!”

They finished their sparring, both of them on the ground, laughing. I decided to go out and claim my man before my mother sank her hooks into him.

I went out trying to forget that I had just caught my mother masturbating. It wasn’t like she had never caught me, but the context was infuriating. I put on my fake smile. “I see that you’re surviving meeting my parents.”

Glade shot up and then helped dad upright. “Not only do I see where your brilliant essence comes from, but these are wonderful people. I am honored to be accepted by them.”

My mother came out carrying her “stash box.” I died more on the inside. Did she really need to flaunt her hippie habits in front of him?

“We’re having a bacchanalia tomorrow night, would you like to attend?” she asked my lover.

“Mom! Don’t invite him to one of your orgies! That’s just too weird!”

Glade chuckled and my father just stared. Glade spoke. “As enticing as that sounds,” his eyes drank my mother in as he spoke. “I promised Krystal a night out without the muck and mire of our camp, no swords, and just us two.” He drew me in close to him and put his arm around me.

“And, mom and dad, we really need to get going. It’s such a long drive and I really need to get out of here before you pull out baby pictures or something.” I heard both my father and Glade chuckling.

“Oh,” my mother said giving me a knowing glance. “That’s fine because I’m all worked up.”

She turned to my father. “I hope you’re horny, you big, sword-swinging stud.”

She then addressed Glade. “Do you want some home-grown for the road?” She opened the box. “I have just about everything in here, including some golden teachers and some X.”

“I must decline,” Glade responded. “I’m driving.”

“Then take some for after the road,” she insisted. “Oh, or did I offend?”

“Not at all,” Glade said to her. Were his eyes really admiring my mother’s body? “I only use sparingly, when the environment and time is right.”

She started putting stuff into a brown paper lunch bag. “This X is the best! The teachers are really mellow. And this is Pooh-Bear’s own hybrid, made ‘specially’ for sex! It makes your genitals all tingly and your orgasms are explosive.”

I pondered suicide once more. He accepted the stoner’s lunch bag graciously.

“I thank you for your kind gifts,” Glade said. He turned to my father, “This is your own hybrid? I know a guy that might be interested in selling it in his storet if it’s as good Mrs. Gree…I mean Samantha…says.”

I finally got him away from my parents. He and dad hugged it out with my dad reminding him to send him his mead recipe. My slutty mother kissed him goodbye. I don’t mean a friendly, motherly kiss, either. She kissed him hard and deep, full on the lips and moaned into his mouth.

Glade helped me into his car and I sat there silent as we drove off.

“I can’t believe that you let my mother French-kiss you!”

He laughed at me and put his free hand on my thigh. “She is a free spirit, just like you, I might add. My guess was that she was acting like that on purpose to see if I was worthy of you.”

“Fuck you!” I shot back. “Why do you need to be so, so fucking perfect and insightful all the damn time.”

He patted my thing. “You bring out the best in me.”

I sighed. “I’m serious! How can you face me after meeting my hippie swinger parents and her being such a slut for you?”

“You might not like it, but you’re very much like them. Don’t worry, that’s a good thing. “

“Wait!” I said. “You like them? They either scare people away or they try to fuck my mom.”

He chuckled. “Scare me? Think of the people I hang out with! And your mom is nice, just very used to her sexuality being the shield that weeds out all the people she’d rather not be around. I’m not into her, I’m into you!”

I mulled it over. Maybe he was right. At least, he didn’t look like he was going to run away, screaming.

He interrupted my train-wreck of thought. “Do you think your parents like me?”

“Everyone fucking loves you. I’m surprised they didn’t ask us to spend the night.”

“Oh, Kris did. I graciously declined because I could sense that you and your mother are so much alike that you were getting uncomfortable.”

“We are not fucking alike at all...”

His expression cut me off. “Alright, yes, we’re exactly alike. She’s my role model but she pisses me off.”

“You should tell her that more often. I regret not telling my parents how much I appreciated them when they were alive. Graves seldom answer back.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“Never apologize to me. No limits, no control, remember? So, should I take you home or to your car?”

“Take me to your place.”

“My place is a dump by comparison. You have that mansion.”

“Take me to your place and I’ll ride the rest of the way nude and flash truckers for you.”

He hit the accelerator.