Aubrey had just finished building up my confidence to the point where I was ready, as ready as I would ever be, to cross the threshold of that door and make my first public appearance as Sarah, the female persona she had helped create for me to trick her side-guy into letting me watch them fuck. She told everyone that I was her lesbian roommate; that was the cover.

Our heels clicked on the pavement. We held hands, our painted fingernails intertwined, as we walked to the door. As we approached, I could hear that there was a lot of people on side; typical party sounds filled the interior of what looked to be a converted frat house. My heart beat faster. I didn’t know if having so many people inside was a good thing, to distract from me, or a bad thing, that there were more people to notice me if my secret was exposed.

Aubrey’s elegant, pink-tipped fingers grabbed the door knob.

“Just remember everything I taught you in girl-training,” she said.

She leaned in and gave me a long, slow kiss while she twisted the handle to the door. She pulled away as the door opened. I expected there to be a room full of people all staring at me, but there wasn’t. The party was an absolute rager, with everyone focusing on whatever it was they were doing at the time, paying no attention to the opening door.

There were people everywhere. All the furniture in the living room had been pushed to the side. In their place were guys and girls dancing, grinding, and kissing to the loud hip-hop beats that blasted from the DJ setup in the corner. The counter in the kitchen was surrounded by people pouring drinks. It held dozens of bottles of liquor and there was a keg in a tub of ice in the middle of the room. Everyone was in various stages of inebriation.

Good so far, I thought to myself, no one has seemed to notice me.

Aubrey, sensing my tension while trying to read the crowd, leaned in and said loud enough to be heard over the music, “Come on, sexy Sarah, let’s loosen you up with a drink.”

She grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen. All the while, I was trying my best to remember all of the training from earlier in the week. I made sure that my hips swiveled as I walked, that I bounced with a sort of airiness in my steps, and that my wrists dangled limply as my arms swayed. When we arrived in the kitchen, Aubrey grabbed a red Solo cup and filled it with whatever liquid resided in the punch bowl on the center island. She handed it to me, and I nearly guzzled down the whole cup.

“Whoa, easy, babe!” she yelled. “We have a long night ahead of us!”

She refilled my cup and handed it back to me. Just then, an adorable twenty something coed approached. She was wearing a very fashionable outfit – a flowy green peasant top, black tulip skirt, shear black stockings, and white stilettos. She tossed her shoulder length blonde waves to the side as she smiled and gave my girlfriend a giant hug and saying, “Hey girl what’s up? Who is this?”

“This is my roommate, Sarah,” said Aubrey.

“Oh, this is Sarah,” said the girl.

She moved in and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me with a warm embrace. This was honestly the first time a girl had been so willing to embrace me like that upon a first meeting. It must have had something to do with her not perceiving any masculine threat from me.

“Aubrey has told me so much about you,” she said.

My cheeks flushed. I wondered what exactly she had been told.

“All good things,” Aubrey reassured me with a wink.

“I’m Kate, by the way,” said the girl, “it’s so nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to getting to know you.”

She leaned in close and whispered in my ear.

“Aubrey told me that you’re gay. I just think that’s so cool. Listen, it’s not my thing, but let me know if any guys give you a hard time and I’ll be your backup. I don’t know if there are any girls here for you tonight, but I suppose you have a better gaydar than I do.”

She giggled and squeezed my arm. I looked to Aubrey for reassurance. She had a gigantic smile on her face. She was clearly enjoying every minute of this. I searched for something to say.

“Thanks, Kate. Its nice to meet you to, and I appreciate it,” I said in my best feminine voice.

She told me a little about herself, that she and Aubrey were classmates and worked in the same Bio-Chem lab together. Kate turned to Aubrey and began another conversation.

“I just saw Scott doing a keg-stand before you got here. Oh my god, girl, his shirt fell down and we all got a peak at that six pack. I swear I was about to faint. You are so damn lucky to be with him. If we weren’t such close friends, I would have jumped him right there!”

“Where is he now?” asked Aubrey with a kind eagerness that made my heart twinge.

“I think he’s outside with the rest of his buddies, talking about whatever guys talk about,” said Kate.

“Probably us,” said Aubrey looking directly into my eyes, “I’m going to go find him and let him know I’m here.”

Before I could say anything, Kate grabbed me by the arm and said, “Sarah, let me introduce you to some people.”

I was so nervous at this point, but Kate had already drug me in the opposite direction of Aubrey, my safety net. I would be seeing her and Scott both soon enough. We made our way into a side room where people were standing in a circle, holding drinks, and talking. Kate led us into one of these circles.

“Guys, this is my new friend, Sarah. She’s new here.”

This was the first meeting in my life quite like this. I noticed instantly that everyone in this circle was sizing me up. The girls’ eyes ran up and down quickly, so as not to be noticed while checking out what I was wearing and to pass quick judgements. The guys’ eyes moved slower. Some of them stopped at my hipline, and some at my chest. I finally understood what is like to be under the male gaze – simultaneously intimidating and empowering. I could not tell if I was flattered by it or despised it. Maybe it was somewhere in the middle.

They all introduced themselves. One rather large guy said, “New friends have to hug,” and came up and hugged me tight with one hand on the back of my shoulder and the other on the small of my back. I got the distinct impression that he just wanted to touch me for his own pleasure. So many new emotions were swirling inside of me, so many new experiences and ways of interacting with people that I couldn’t quite figure out exactly how I was feeling about all this.

“What major are you?” asked one of the guys who had introduced himself as Derek.

He was the only one of the group that seemed definitely interested in what I had to say, and wasn’t just judging or sexually objectifying me. I paused before speaking, trying to remember all my practice to make my voice sound feminine.

“I’m a history major. I just transferred here from State,” I squeaked out over the loud music in the background.

“You made a good decision,” said Derek.

They all laughed at his joke. He winked at me. I blushed and felt butterflies in my stomach, but I had no idea why. Another guy, not Derek, decided to join the conversation.

“Did you leave a boyfriend back at State, Sarah,” he asked.

“Um, she’s a lesbian, Taylor,” Kate chimed in before I had a chance to speak.

I noticed instantly that her statement started a new round of visual inspection. The girls more intently scrutinized my appearance, and I could tell the guys were picturing what I would look like with another girl. Their eyes glazed a bit. Another girl?

“Duly noted,” said Taylor with a kind of tone I thought to be suspicious.

I was quiet for the next little bit while I listened to the rest of the group shoot-the-shit and talk about whatever they had going on in their lives. After some time had passed, I started to wonder what Aubrey and Scott were up to, and I hoped they hadn’t started without me. I also notice that my second full cup of juice was gone and that I was starting to feel tipsy.

“This is my favorite song!” yelled one of the girls. “Come on girls, let’s dance!”

The girls of the group all started heading out to the living room. Kate grabbed my arm and dragged me with them. The guys followed close behind, but stayed off to the sides to watch us. I could feel their eyes one me. They wanted to see a lesbian dance with their straight girlfriends.

Maybe it was the booze, I don’t really know, but something came over me. I wanted to feel the attention. I wanted to know what it felt like to be on the other side of the desperate gaze of a horny male coed.

All “us” girls were dancing in a circle, putting our arms in the air and shaking our hips. Kate came up and put her arms on my shoulders. She got close and straddled my thigh and grinded her hips into mine. Her hands went around my back and gently pinched my ass.

“I’m just putting on a show for those boys,” she whispered in my ear, “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind,” I replied.

“Ok, good. There’s nothing like a girl-on-girl kiss to get them going. Will you kiss me for a few seconds?” she asked.

I nodded my head "yes" and she leaned in for a kiss. Our lips touched in a soft embrace. A distinctly low-pitched masculine cheer erupted from the onlooking crowd. With the encouragement, she stuck her tongue in my mouth and we kissed for a few seconds more. I could feel a tightness growing in my panties that had me worried about exposing my secret, so I broke it off first.

“Thank you,” she said with a smile, “my boyfriend is all riled up now.”

She looked toward the onlookers, “I’m going to get it in good tonight! Thanks for the dance.”

She smacked my ass as she walked away and into the arms of her boyfriend, who immediately stuck his tongue in her mouth. I guess he wanted to taste me on her lips. I could feel eyes all over me and suddenly felt embarrassed. I made my way to the bathroom to collect myself. I had to re-tuck my "secret" because the arousal of the mini-make-out session had shifted my panties a bit. I suddenly became very nervous. What if Aubrey found out I had kissed another girl?

I opened my purse to get out some touch-up makeup and fix my smeared lipstick but, when I reached in, I felt something odd. It was a familiar shape. I pulled it out of the purse and realized it was a condom in sealed wrapper.

What the fuck? I thought to myself, why would she put this in here?

I thought for a second about the implication and what she could have meant by it. I decided that it was probably just to look like a real girl. But wait, the cover was that I was a lesbian. What, then? I put it back in the bag and made my way out of the bathroom to find Aubrey.

I walked around the house for a while, but couldn’t find her. I remembered that she had originally gone to find Scott outside, so I went looking out there. Memories flooded my mind of what happened the last time I couldn’t find her at a party. I turned the corner of the house to walk to the back and felt the hair raise up on the back of my neck. There was someone following me.

I suddenly realized how dark it was on this side of the large house, and how no one else was around.

“Hey, Sarah,” called the voice.

I recognized it as Taylor’s. I stopped. He approached quickly and stood in front of me.

“That was some hot dancing you were doing in there,” he said.

I laughed nervously.

“Thanks. We were just having fun.”

“Yeah, I’d say,” he said a little too forcefully, “but there was something not quite right about it.”

I began to panic. Did he somehow know that beneath this denim skirt and lacey panties was something not that dissimilar from his own equipment? My heart beat faster. I suddenly noticed how much larger he was than me, about how these heels would stop me from making a quick getaway, about how scared and vulnerable I was.

“Yeah, see, I’ve seen plenty of lesbians before, and you don’t look like one,” he said.

I was confused.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I’ve never seen a lesbian as hot as you are,” he said, “and the way you were dancing with Kate, well, it didn’t seem like you were totally into it. If you were a lesbian, you’d be all over a chick that hot, no?”

Before I could muster a comeback, he took two steps forward, forcing me backwards until my back was against the side of the house. He was so heavy leaning on me. I didn’t have nearly enough strength to push him off. I put my arms up, but he grabbed my wrists tightly and forced them back. He put his mouth next to me ear. I could feel his hot breath.

“It looks to me like you’re undecided. I think maybe you just haven’t had the right dick,” he said. “I think that maybe a proper fucking could turn you around. I think a nice hard cock in you could remind you how to be lady.”

I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was clearly drunk. A million thoughts raced through mind. Was I about to be violated, fucked against my will? Should I at least tell him to put the condom on? What would happen if he pulled off my panties and discovered my secret. Would he beat me? Was I in serious danger? My eyes started to well with tears. I was so helpless, so powerless to defend myself.

He leaned in and tried to put his mouth on mine, but I turned my head. He started kissing my neck, his tongue licking in circles as his lips sucked. His hands groped up and down my sides. He reached around and started squeezing my ass so hard that it hurt. I tried to push back again, but he was too strong.

“Stop!” I yelled.

“Shut up. You know you want this,” he said through clenched teeth.

His hands drifted down from my ass and lifted the hem of my skirt. He slipped his fingers underneath my lacey panties. He was skin-to-skin with my bare ass.

“Hey, what the fuck is going on over here?” came a voice from the darkness.

Taylor immediately backed off. I pushed down my skirt and pushed him back.

“Taylor, you fucking perv. Get the fuck out of here before I beat the shit out of you.”

I looked up and realized it was Derek. Taylor, without saying a word, ran off down the driveway. Derek came closer.

“Sarah, are you okay?” he asked.

A tidal wave of relief rushed over me. I had never felt so grateful to anyone as I did in that moment toward Derek. I ran to him and threw my arms around his chest.

“Thank you so much!” I said.

He held me for a minute as I calmed down. I felt so safe in his arms. I had been picked on so many times in high school and middle school. The boys would always call me names like, “sissy” and “fag” for caring more about school than sports, for liking to play with the girls on the playground rather the boys, but this is the first time someone had come to my defense.

“It’s okay, Sarah,” he said, “I thought I heard your voice yell stop while I was out front having a smoke, so I came running.”

“I don’t know if I can thank you enough,” I said.

“Don’t worry about it, really. I’m just glad I could help you.”

Feeling safer now, I realized why I had been out here in the first place.

“Have you seen my roommate, Aubrey?” I asked.

“Aubrey? Oh yeah. Her and Scott are inside making out in the kitchen. I swear, those two are always all over each other,” he said with a laugh. “Let me take you to her.”

He stuck out his arm. I was confused as to why at first, but then realized he wanted me to take his arm. I took it the way that Aubrey took mine when we had gone on our dates. He led me back into the house and to the kitchen.

Aubrey and Scott weren’t making out anymore, as Derek had said, but she was leaning backwards into him and he had his arms around her waist. She saw that something was wrong with me and came right over.

“What’s going on, babe?” she looked up at Derek and back at me. “Is everything ok? Let’s go find a bathroom.”

We went to the bathroom and I told her everything that happened. She sat there stunned for a moment, but then began consoling me.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Sarah,” she said, “guys can be fucking pigs sometimes. I’m glad nothing really happened. I’m glad your safe. Thank God Derek was there for you.”

She wiped a tear from my cheek.

“Let’s touch up that makeup before we head out. Do you want to go home, or do you want to stay and finish what we came here to do?”

I searched myself for the answer. As crazy as it was that I was almost assaulted, I felt safe again. Nothing happened. Derek saved me. I think the booze was still giving me liquid courage. I didn’t want to quit.

“I’m good. Let’s do it,” I said.

Aubrey smiled as she touched up my eyeliner and lipstick.

“Let’s go find Scott,” she said.

We walked back to the kitchen. Aubrey went up to Scott and whispered something in his ear. He turned to look at me while she spoke. He winked. I blushed thinking of what I was about to see, but other feelings rose up inside me at the same time, feelings of jealousy. I was about to watch my girlfriend get fucked by another guy.

Scott started walking down a hallway. Aubrey came and grabbed my hand and led me that way too. I felt the eyes of bystanders on us. I felt Derek’s eyes on me. I turned and saw him. He looked disappointed. But why?

Before I could think about it, Aubrey, Scott, and I were inside a dimly lit bedroom, a lava-lamp casting a dark-purple light on the walls. Scott locked the door handle behind me. He put his hand under my chin and lifted my gaze up to his. I felt just as helpless in his hands as I had a few moments ago in Taylor’s, but I somehow knew I wasn’t in danger in his. It was a different kind of helplessness.

“Are you sure you don’t want to join in, that you just want to watch?” he said.

“She doesn’t want you, Scott,” said Aubrey, “she just wants to see what it looks like for a girl to fucked by a real man.”

That stung a bit.

“Well. If she doesn’t want me, how about you?” he said to Aubrey.

Little did he know this wasn’t such a strange proposition. Little did he know that Aubrey and I were boyfriend and girlfriend back home. Little did he know that my name was Sam and not Sarah. Aubrey’s eyes lit up.

“Come over here, Sarah. Why don’t you warm me up?”

She was already laying on the bed. I came over and laid beside here. We started kissing deeply, passionately, as two female lovers in a Sapphic embrace. My hands worked her body. They gently glided over her curvy hips and under her shirt. She sat up and took off her top and unhooked her bra. Her beautiful tear-drop breasts and perky pink nipples hung in front of me. I put my mouth to them and started flicking my tongue over her left nipple.

I heard a zip. Scott’s pants fell to the ground. His cock was out, and he was stroking it. He couldn’t have been more than three feet away. This was the closest that I had ever been to a man’s cock. I looked over. I could see why Aubrey fucked him every other weekend. He was huge – easily twice as large as me. My panties tightened. In the heat of the moment, I was confused. Was I aroused by Aubrey in this moment?

Aubrey slid off her pants. I started to move away. I was ready to watch her get fucked.

“Lick her pussy for me,” instructed Scott.

I got on my hands and knees in the bed and put my head between her soft, peach thighs. She pulled them together gently so that one was on each of my ears. I suddenly became aware of why Scott wanted me to do this, aside from the obvious. My ass was directly in front of him. My skirt was riding up. I buried my tongue in her soft, velvet pussy. Her juices were already flowing, and they filled my mouth and dribbled down my chin. I loved the way she tasted. She began moaning with pleasure and put her fingers through my hair.

“Sarah, you know just how to lick me right,” she breathed out in ecstasy.

Scott’s hands had found themselves on my thighs. To my surprise, I didn’t fight it. He worked them under my skirt and rubbed my lacey panties, squeezing my ass cheeks. I felt myself getting hard, and didn’t want to risk it any further, so I rolled away from him and sat in a chair across the room. He knew that I wasn’t going to let him further, so he put his body in between the legs of my girlfriend.

My heart beat uncontrollably fast. I knew what Aubrey was doing on the weekends, but being about to see it in person was a whole different level of anxious anticipation. I was battling the urge to reach up and stop Scott from rubbing his dick on her pussy. When she sat up and looked over at me, I fought the urge to scream, no Aubrey, let’s get out of here! I’m the only one you need! When her lips wrapped themselves around the head of his throbbing cock, I was paralyzed.

She moved her head up and down his shaft. He, showing a confidence that I never had, put his hands on the back of her head and forced his cock deep down her throat. As I fought the urge to intervene, she fought the urge to gag.

After a minute or two of ramming his cock down my girlfriend’s throat, he pulled it out of her mouth and grabbed her ankles. He put them together with one hand and tilted her body backwards with the other, making her present her ass to him. He smacked it and she let out a moan of pleasure. I didn’t know that she liked to be spanked, that she liked to be manhandled like this.

Before I realized it, he had shoved is cock inside my girlfriend’s waiting cunt. Her pussy stretched itself to accept his girth. Her moans filled me with pleasure and pain. I looked on stunned. He was thrusting into her quite vigorously. The sound of his balls slapping on her ass echoed off the bedroom walls and the walls of my mind. I heard the slippery, wet sounds of her pussy juices lubricating his thick fuck-stick. He suddenly flipped her over. She was on all fours in front of him. She sucked her own juices off his cock. He spun her around.

She was now facing me. She looked deep into my eyes as his cock re-entered her. I shifted in my seat, trying to keep my growing cock locked inside my panties. I couldn’t believe that my body was being aroused when I felt so violated and vulnerable – for the second time that evening. I fought off the urge to cry as I watched someone else take what meant everything to me. She saw that and really started getting into it. She was pushing back against him. She reached behind and was pulling him into her harder. He grabbed her around the neck and pulled her backward, shoving his tongue down her throat as his dick rammed in and out of dripping love-hole.

I noticed him looking at me. He pushed her back to her hands, then grabbed them both and put them behind her back so that her face was buried in the sheets. He looked at me. He looked at me as he thrusted into my girlfriend. I couldn’t look away.

His face tensed up. He began thrusting harder. His eyes stared deeply into mine as he grunted and shot his load into her gaping pussy. He held it there for a moment. He smiled at me and then dismounted, rolling over onto his back. Aubrey rolled onto her side and put her hand on his chest. I saw the glistening cum of another man dripping out of her and down her thigh. I sat there in a daze of arousal and hurt. I just wanted to feel safe again. Aubrey broke the spell.

“Sarah, can you get us a glass of water?” she asked breathlessly.

Without a word, I got up and walked out of the room, my head spinning from the booze and the flurry of emotions. When I made it to the kitchen, I realized that the party had really thinned out. It had devolved into about a quarter of the size it had been. Those left were in various stages of hooking up. I saw Derek sitting alone on the coach.

I remembered how safe he had made me feel. After witnessing what I just witnessed, and feeling so violated and alone, I needed to feel that safety again. For some reason, he looked sad, so I went over and sat next to him.

“Why do you look so sad?” I asked.

He looked at me like I was dumb.

“You’re a smart girl. Don’t you know?” he said.

His somewhat-compliment made the butterflies in my stomach return. I still felt indebted to him.

“Know what?” I asked.

“I thought you were a lesbian,” he said, “but then you go and hook up with Scott?”

I realized that he was sad because he was jealous. Jealous at the thought of Scott and me being together. I was deeply flattered. I was … aroused. Why? I had never felt like this before when dealing with other guys. But he wasn’t another guy. In this moment, I was a girl. He was a guy. He was jealous about a girl, and that girl was me.

“Well, if you must know, I didn’t hook up with him,” I said twisting a lock of hair in my fingers, “Aubrey did. I’ve never watched before, so that’s all I did.”

He seemed relieved, happy, but then a puzzled look came over his handsome face. His strong hand, which had made me feel so safe and made me have so much gratitude earlier in the evening, scratched at his head. His eyebrows furrowed. The corner of his lip raised. I twisted in my seat. My belly warmed.

“Why would a lesbian want to watch a guy fuck her friend?” he asked.

“Well, maybe I’m not a lesbian. Maybe I’m bi,” I said completely unaware of why I said it.

It blurted out of me. It was something that I hadn’t consciously thought of before, but it had a confessional quality to it. I wasn’t sure if it was the drinking, or the confusing feelings from the earlier in the night, or from having just watched Aubrey get fucked by someone that wasn’t me, but I said it nonetheless. Maybe I just wanted to please him in that moment, to repay him for saving me earlier. Maybe I just wanted him to want me. Maybe seeing Aubrey be pleased by someone else made me want to please someone else.

Derek’s facial expression turned. He started smiling. He sat up.

“Well, that sounds like good news to me,” he said, “because I think you’re pretty cute.”

My face flushed. My mind was getting dizzy. My stomach was racing. Was I swooning? I was definitely swooning. How could this be happening? How could I be so into this guy flirting with me? What was I going to say next?

“I think you’re cute too,” I said while biting my lower lip.

What was happening? I felt like I wasn’t in control of what I was saying, how my body was responding to the situation, and how I was feeling. For some reason, all I wanted was to know that I was pleasing Derek. I must have had a deeper gratitude for him than I previously had thought. There was something deep inside me that needed his attention.

“Cute enough for a kiss?” he asked.

Before I could respond, he leaned in and put his lips on mine. Rather than feeling pressured or forced, like I had earlier, I felt a sensation I had never felt before. I felt complicit, like I was letting myself go in the best possible way. I opened my mouth and let his tongue in. He moved it around in circles. I could feel the scruffiness of his five o’clock shadow on my chin and cheeks. I gently bit his lower lip. My panties tightened.

His powerful hand found its way to the outside of my thigh. I didn’t move it. I leaned back. He leaned on my knees and, without me thinking, they opened. I was laying back on the coach, spread-eagled and he was on top of me, our tongues intertwined. I could feel him getting hard underneath his jeans. My head was dizzy. I felt so good. I couldn’t believe it! I felt sexy and beautiful with this man on top of me.

“Sarah!” yelled a voice from across the room.

Derek sat up as if caught committing a crime. I instantly felt the pain of his loss. I turned my head and saw Aubrey standing there, now fully dressed, mouth agape. Reality came crashing down all around me.

“I think it’s about time we went home,” she said with a shocked tone.

Without a word, as if by command, I stood up and smoothed out my skirt. I couldn’t bear to look back at Derek; I couldn’t bear the loss of his safety. Aubrey grabbed my arm and started walking me toward the door. We left and walked silently toward the car.

… to be continued.